RanDumb (re)View

Oh I just love looking back over the week and sharing all of the ranDumbness* with you guys.

And, this was a busy week.

So let’s jump right in!

This guy brought the mullet back on American Idol…

#3 is gonna be so happy to hear that he’s not the only one rockin’ a mullet like he means it.

Sadly since the AI Afro wearing rep (aka Tyler Grady) was voted off last night, #2 has little hope of getting his style brought back to trendy.

In Bachelor news, Rozlyn cheating-hussy-extraordinaire made an appearance on the famed Women Tell All episode to look like a complete douche-bag-liar-pants clear her name.

She denied everything, saying that she absolutely did not have an inappropriate relationship with a show producer. And, the fact that they are still seeing each other is really no evidence that she did.

Yeahright.

Not sure why she doesn’t just admit they hooked up because Jake is gay just not her type. I think we’d all understand it and based on her personality we wouldn’t even find it all that surprising.

Honestly, I don’t even care. My opinion is that at least 68% of Bachelor hopefuls are fame seeking tramps. Sometimes they make it pretty far on the show…

Sometimes they don’t.

But really, who even cares? Point is that we have generally low expectations for the moral character of the Bachelor contestants. We expect you to be trashy, conniving, and strategic. That’s why we watch. If all of you were rainbow-pooping-Disney-wannabes like Tenley the show would be pretty boring.

So, be my guest, ho it up Roz, just be honest about it.

Whores I’m fine with.

Liars?

Not so much.

Anyway.

Let’s talk about The View.

I warned you last week that this was gonna be happening and if you didn’t heed those warnings and watch this week so that we could have a meaningful discussion that’s your bad.**

Just shut it and listen.

I’m 100% okay with that, especially because my girl Kerri is here this week to weigh in on the two most controversial guests of the week.

The Octomom and The Situation.

Well, The Situation was accompanied by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore, but personally, I think some of the other characters are, as Simon Cowel likes to say, forgettable.

Not Snooki, of course, but some of the others.

But.

Let me just to remind you how this Blab Fest works, Kerri or I come up with the questions to ask to each other and then we both share our thoughts. You are welcome to get involved if you want (and by get involved I mean LEAVE COMMENTS!).

Let’s start with the baby making monster.

1. Nadya Suleman. Delusional and in denial? She said it, so what do you think?

Dumb Mom: Uh, yeah. Delusional, in denial, and stone cold crazy in a I’m-sorta-doing-this-on-purpose-to-make-people-watch-my-train-wreck-of-a-life-so-I-can-get-PAID way. I can’t even begin to go into detail about what she does/did or what her points were on the show because honestly I can’t get over her attire.

If she is gonna keep up these appearances (although haven’t we all had enough already? This is the longest 15 minutes ever!) she should drop one of her 3 nannies and hire a stylist.

Cause, she looked ridiculous.

I know she’s all proud of her body (bold faced lying when she said she wasn’t trying to get back into a bikini) because it has turned into her money maker, literally. But really, ew?

That’s the best you could do for Whoopi, and Joy, and Sherry, and the other chick?

With black tights no less?!

Shame! Shame!

Shame on you Quattuordecimom (I know Octomom sounds better, but this whole situation is compounded by the six kids she already had so we can’t leave them out) for insulting us by saying you weren’t even trying to get bikini-body and for assaulting us with that hideous dress.

Seriously, disappear already, kay?!

And, in the name of all that is holy, don’t have any more kids!

Kerri: Nadya Suleman- IS COO COO for COCO Puffs!!! This lady needs a psych evaluation PRONTO!!! I hope she’s not being left alone with her children for long periods of time because she looks like one of those moms who’d snap on their kids. And her laugh OMFG – STOP IT PLEASE!!! This interview was extremely entertaining, I mean I laughed the whole dang time she was on the screen but I rolled my eyes SOO many times at her ridiculous claims. She needs to quit lying and saying she didn’t get surgery for her current body. GUUURRRRLLL!!! U a lie cause there’s NO way your skin stretched SOOO much with those 8 babies and you have NO left over skin after giving birth. Please!!! GTFOH! Bottom line, girl, get some mental help cause you’re just sick in the head.

And, for the reality superstars of the moment.

2. Jersey Shore. Love it or hate it?

Dumb Mom: Gotta be honest when I say that I don’t actually watch the show (I know, surprise, there are some raunchy MTV programs I don’t watch), but I have seen it. And I woulda watched it but I kept forgetting to.

Anyway, point is, I don’t see what’s so wrong about it.

I know Joy was all peeved because they aren’t really Italian (which should make her happy actually because do you really want to have to claim them?).

And, I know Whoopi’s beef was that they should be more responsible with their cash or whatever because their 15 minutes will be up soon (which if Octodork is any indication, that’s not entirely true).

But honestly, again, who even cares?

They are smutty acting people filling a spot in entertainment. I don’t care if they grow up to be smart or have good jobs or any of that crap. Call me a selfish loser, but I just don’t care what they do after the show because I’m in it for the joy of watching other people suck.

And yes, watching other people suck is sorta one of my hobbies.

So shoot me. Or punch me in the face next time you see me at the bar.

Whatever.

All I want is a fancy name and then The Jersey Shore people can disappear forever. Or not.

Because if The View chicks get to have them (Whoopi-"The Administration.” Joy-"The Assumption.” Elisabeth-“The Attraction.” Sherri-"The Duplication.”) then I want one too.

They can call me “The Addiction”, because people just can’t get enough of me (insert maniacal Nadya Suleman laugh)!

Point is I don’t love them personally, but I do love that they exist for my trash-TV-viewing pleasure!

Kerry: Honestly these people make me lose brain cells whenever I watch them or hear them speak but for some reason, I CANNOT avoid the train wreck I see coming. I personally think “The Situation” and Snooki are hilarious. Whatever world they’re living in, I wanna be a citizen because their ideals on life is SOOOO twisted. I loved the names “The Situation” gave to the ladies though. Was it me or did Snooki shake her head NO when Joy asked if they were all using condoms? Ahhhh Snooki, Snooki, Snooki – Umm, the camera should’ve zoomed in on her cause that’s just NASTY. If she did indeed say no, that’s a dumb move. Girl, lie dang it, don’t make yourself look worse than you’re already acting.

See all of the crazy excitement you missed this week on The View?

Seriously, watch it.

And, I know you probably don’t have time to watch it in the middle of the day when you are focusing on whether or not your potty training Baby P.I.M.P is droppin’ it like it’s hot in the corner of your living room other stuff, but you can TiVo it, or if you are the last person on the planet to not have TiVo, you could watch it online. Obviously you have Internet access.

So join us for more trash talkin’ fun on next week’s Blab Fest.

*Also joining Mrs. 4444s @ Half Past Kissin' Time for another week of Friday Fragments!

**Forgot to mention last week that I’m getting some free tote bag that I probably won’t even carry for sharing my intellectual insights on The View. Please note that a free bag is not enough to coerce me into saying sweet things about them so when I get fed up with their arguing, or when Elizabeth pisses me off, I’ll tell you. Provided I didn’t fast forward over that part. Now, if they wanted to have me on the show I might be more inclined to beef up my posts with pleasantries, you know ‘cause I only talk crap about people behind their backs and have no intentions of going to blows with Sherry on the air (or off the air for that matter). Unless there was cash involved and then, put your damn dukes up Sherry! I’m a huge fan of using bribery to get what you want.

Wanna share your The View posts for the week? Link away...

RanDumb: Record-breaking Edition

When you’re stuck in the house for the better part of a week due to the wrath of an historical snow storm it comes in handy to have a unhealthy relationship with technology.

Because then you have the Internet to take your mind off of the fact that you have a splitting, record breaking headache to go along with being trapped inside for a record number of days with three noisy boys and one snow shoveling obsessed husband thanks to the record-breaking snowfall of the century.

You’ll have to forgive me if I’ve been less than my sunny, cheerful self.

I’m having a record-breaking week. And it’s exhausting (and messy, and cold, and wet, and annoying).

But, it’s good to know that I’m not the only person who is starting to show signs of an impending psychological event*…

I’m thinking that Mr. Kosek’s pre-record-breaking-snownomenon personality was a little bit sketchy, but still, good example of what happens When Mother Nature Attacks (could totally be one of those Fox shows).

In an effort to get my snowsessed mind on something else though, I also spent countless hours this week watching TV, something I used to do on a semiprofessional basis (watching TV for hours per week was definitely one of my most important pre-#3 hobbies).

Sadly**, pretty much everyone on American Idol can sing at this point so I don’t have any funny so-you-think-you-can-sing-leave-it-to-Simon-to-tell-you-you-can’t videos to share with you this week.

But.

Thanks to the Idol hopefuls and their inability to pick a song that won’t make them look like a bunch of blubbering idiots, you can laugh along while they mumble sing Gwen Stephanie’s Escape…

The funniest thing about this whole deal is that each of them actually thought they’d be able to sing this without screwing it up.

Why?

Why would you assume that a song most of us have trouble with in the privacy of our own bathrooms would be the perfect showcase of your singing abilities in the most important (and stressful, and nerve wrecking, and publicized) audition of your life?

Because they who began as are over confident fools have grown egos that have been grossly inflated by being selected to participate in the most influential singing show of all time, you say?

Perhaps.

The most surprising thing is that so many of them lead the same delusion-filled life (like 3 groups picked the same impossible song).

I’m not privy to any obscure Idol statistics or anything, but I’d venture to say this song is up there close to breaking the record for song-most-likely-to-be-picked-that-you-have-little-chance-of-being-able-to-sing-correctly.***

Probably somewhere right behind The Star Spangled Banner, ‘cause for whatever reason, people just can’t seem to EVER get the words to that song right either.

Tip to all of the RanDumb American Idol hopefuls of the future: pick a song a toddler can sing.

Like Halo (don’t watch unless you agree to ignore any elements of my voice you may hear in the background of the video, it’s about the 2 year old baby-boy-Beyonce, not me)…

Please forgive the poor recording, he freaks out if he detects that he is actually being filmed so I have to get all Candid Camera on him.

And finally, from a show I enjoyed watching over the unsolicited, unappreciated, totally uncalled for “break”, a man who has something to share with fathers/husbands everywhere that could help save them from making a RanDumb mistake that could quickly and easily lead to their death…

Jim Breur’s Comedy Central Special in which he speaks on Why Mother’s Need Their Sleep.

Priceless!

Don’t forget that today is THE LAST DAY TO ENTER THE FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST TO BE NAMED PBD’S BLOG DAWG OF THE YEAR! Awesome prizes are up for grabs and voting starts Monday so, even if you were too chicken to actually enter, be sure to come back and vote for the face that scared you the most!

And, once you've examined the contest link and submitted your entry, go ahead and check out Mrs.4444s to link up your favorite Friday Fragments posts of the week!

*Nice way to say you are losing your effing mind!

**I say sadly because I fully enjoy watching the deluded, tone deaf citizens of America as they are ripped to shreds by my most all time favorite British person. It makes me smile inside.

***I love RanDumb, obscure statistics like the ones they always come up with at sporting events: “Hey, Charles, did you know that this player is the first to ever score a three point shot while wearing white shoes with black stripes and being a left handed shooter with 3 seconds left on the hot clock?”

RanDumb: Retro Edition

You’d think rich people could stay outta trouble.

Just this week we’ve seen this winner…

repeatedly gracing web pages and magazine covers (do you think they purposely make you look this horrible before they snap your shot?).

Jeez, Dude. Get a hobby (other than attempting to pull alcohol fueled, bumbling bank jobs).

If I had millions of dollars I’m pretty sure I could find plenty of crap to do that didn’t involve time behind bars.

But that’s just me.

Celebrities are different. For some reason they seem to be huge crime junkies.

From whore-infatuated politicians (and golfers) to sex tape scandalized actresses (and heiresses), our faves from the big screen (and the capitol) all could have easily saved themselves a whole butt load of trouble had they spent a few minutes Goggling their favorite vices on the Internet.

Which is what I did to bring you this weeks addition of RanDumb*.

Enjoy!

Things Naughty-Law-Abiding-Challenged Celebrities Shoulda Goggled

1. Celebrity+sex+tape+scandals. Had someone like Ray J. went ahead and done this then he woulda known that, when embroiled in a sex tape “scandal”, it’s better for the rest of your career if you are the female “star” as opposed to the slightly washed up D-list celebrity male component. I mean, just look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. After their video came out in 1998 she got even more popular, while him, not so much. Same thing for Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Both of them have spent tons of time in the limelight since their sex tape-scapades made their Internet debuts, however the aforementioned Ray J. and that nobody Hilton was with have all but disappeared. I know Ray J. has that Flavor-of-Love-wannabe-hood-rat-fest of a show, “For the Love of Ray J.” on VH1, but really, who even cares? I can say with complete conviction that I would do more for a Klondike Bar than I would for the love of Ray J.

2. Celebrity+prostitution+busts. Holy pants on the ground, Batman! Are there people who haven’t heard about Hugh Grant and Divine Brown? Or what about Eddie Murphy and that tranny (that was embarrassing!)? Seriously. Eddie may not have had to go downtown for his transgression, but everyone saw Hugh’s mugshots, right?

Thanks to his 1998 debacle we all know what happens to celebrities who get hooked (can that be a verb, or does that not work?). So what is up with people like A-Rod and Eliot Spitzer? Pick up an In Touch Weekly, guys. Hop on People.com. Could save you a lot of trouble.

3. Celebrities+sex+rehab. Had Tiger and David Duchovny taken a few moments to type these three little words into everyone’s favorite medical diagnosing machine (aka Goggle), they would have come back with articles about one very famous sexaholic named Michael Douglas. He spent some part of the 90s figuring out how to put a muzzle on his libido. Both Tiger and Duchovny both could have saved millions of dollars, not to mention weeks of embarrassment.

4. Politicians+infidelity. Two words. Bill. effing-Clinton. So maybe that was two and a half words. But seriously, politicians cheating on their wives with young chicks is so 1997 (‘96?, 98?). It always goes down the same way, too: allegations of “inappropriate behavior” (aka hooking up in the oval office) are made, politician denies it as does young probably paid off and/or threatened girl involved, young girl winds up pregnant dead caught in a lie with a a semen stained dress breaking the story for some reason, politician admits to some smaller offense (usually an “inappropriate” relationship) but vehemently denies the allegations, politician’s sensible wife stands by him as the pillar of the family, all hell breaks loose, everyone forgets about the random young chick who was implicated in the affair, all focus is put on the wife (and whether she’ll stay or go), no one cares what the politician does once a celebrity sex tape is released (unless the politician is in that too!), politician resigns and goes on to write a book have a library named after him run a Baskin Robins live happily ever after. I was so over the John-Edwards-stereotypical-affair story until the whole sex tape scandal broke. Way to change the game for us John!

5. Celebrities+arrested+DUI. It seems no one is immune to this: Heather Locklear, Keifer Sutherland, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charles Barkley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, Haley Joel no-wonder-he-sees-dead-people-Osment. The list of celebrities picked up for driving under the influence could go on forever. Not sure why they haven’t learned this lesson. They have so many role models to learn from in this particular area. Notable ones even. I know that his recent success has made these days all but disappear, but seriously for most of the 90s this is one of the only shots of Robert Downey Jr. you were likely to see…

He’s like the poster child for when-good-actors-get-addicted-to-crap. He’s been arrested more times than DMX (anyone with an “Arrest-o-Meter page has serious issues) for crying out loud and every time it was drug and/or alcohol related. Carrying an unloaded gun; while drunk. Speeding; while drunk. Breaking into people’s houses because he thinks it’s his house; while, you guessed it, drunk. So much to learn from a guy like this.

Point is, had any of these celebritards taken half a second to do a little research things could have gone much differently.

So, if you find yourself trapped in a life altering blizzard this weekend (like I’m scheduled to be) and you’re bored outta your mind, go ahead and type this into Google: things 90s stars did to ruin their lives.

Hours-o-fun and it’s not even illegal.

And, while we’re on the topic of 90s stuff worth remembering why don’t you go ahead and get your self entered in my 90s inspired photo contest?!

You could win awesome prizes so being laughed at shamelessly a few moments of discomfort is totally worth it!

*RanDumb is a weekly event here at parenting BY dummies during which I share recent (or in this case, retro) events that focus on the dumb in others. It makes me look and feel good, plus it’s funny! Looking for other random fun? Head on over to Mrs. 4444’s blog, Half Past Kissin’ Time and link up to her Friday Fragments post.

RanDumb, Really?

Tons of things confuse me.

Obviously there are the standard ones like, algorithms, how to convert metric units into something normal like inches or cups, and outer space.

But there’s a butt load of other crap that boggles my mind as well. 

For example, when Hubby calls me from the medicine aisle at Target and asks me if he should get the grape medicine or the cherry medicine for the dudes, and I tell him cherry because they HATE grape (and by HATE I mean it makes them gag), but then for some reason that I can not for the life of me determine he comes home with a bag filled with the grape ones anyway?!

I always just wonder why he bothered to call me and ask if he wasn't gonna listen.

I can’t imagine he’s doing it just to tick me off.  Even Dumb Dad’s not that dumb.

Or, when Hubby (obviously there are tons of things he does that I find to be mindblowingly confusing) asks me what movie I want to see.  I say, “Why don’t you get Julie and Julia or The Proposal?” and he comes back with District 9.

Really?! 

WTH?!  What kind of mind game are you playing at, Sir?! 

WHY?!

I’m sure in his mind asking me is like his way of appearing interested in what I say and eager to please me.  In my mind (aka reality) it is just annoying.

Anyway.  This week on RanDumb I’m going to explore a number of topics that I find confusing (aka Dumb).

Through extensive research (which is an advanced way of saying I Googled it), I have discovered that some of them actually do have answers.

Sadly the more tricky ones remain unexplained. 

Feel free to offer your own explanations, but don’t be surprised if I contradict you.  I may not know what the answers are, but I’m pretty sure I know what they aren’t.

5 RanDumb Things that Made Dumb Mom Say Really?

1.  That guys don’t like surprises. 

Really? 

Why the Hell not?  What’s wrong with surprises? 

They are exciting, and fun, and…surprising.  I love surprises.  I rarely ever get them since I am in charge of developing, organizing, and carrying out every single idea that this household comes up with, but I’d love to be surprised (with something I’ve preapproved, of course) from time to time.  I mean, really, there’s no such thing as a bad surprise because bad surprises are called mistakes. 

Hubby, on the other hand HATES surprises.  I gave him a surprise birthday party like 8 years ago and I’ve never seen anyone have a less happy face at a party.  He was miserable.  He acted nice enough about it, but later he informed that he really, truly, honestly, no lie just doesn’t like being surprised.

Really?

Naturally, I assumed he was lying.  Or that, if he was telling the truth, he was some sort of heartless freak o’ nature because EVERYONE likes surprises.

Well, apparently, he’s neither because according to this guy, who I am totally in love with because he is singlehandedly saving my marriage with his witty insight John DeVore, who writes on The Frisky agrees that “Dudes Do Not Dig Surprises”.  He even gives some believably (although irrational) reasons as to why.

Go.  Figure.

2.  Americans are sensitive. 

About race.  About nudity.  About everything. 

This has baffled me for years.  I used to live in Europe.  For like 4 years.  The first week I was there my brother and I were watching a cartoon on television and right before our new-to-the-county-eyes the character dropped his shorts and took a dump in a stream, bearing is animated, naked booty to the world. 

We were taken aback. 

But that experience was nothing compared to the first time I visited a schwimmbad (German word for swimming pool) and discovered that tops were optional.  And the only ones gaping at the naked knockers were us Americans (and by us I mean every American but me because I was so embarrassed I nearly drowned myself in the wave pool).  No one there woulda thought to fine, or boycott, or make a stink about Janet’s wardrobe malfunction that has caused us to suffer through many years of sucky post-Janet Superbowl halftime “talent”. 

I mean, really?

Are Janet’s pierced nipples that offensive?

I’d love to be able to wake up to those everyday (because they were attached to my own chest, not because I was in bed with Miss-Jackson-if-you’re-nasty, although now that I think about it…).

And it’s not just nudity that gets all of our panties in a twist.

I mean look at all the trouble this Folgers commercial has caused.

Apparently, it’s sexist?

Really? 

Is anyone else who doesn’t have countless hours to dissect every single little element of every single little everything offended by it?

I’m probably dumb and insensitive but I just don’t get it.

It could be worse.  I mean look at this…

It totally perpetuates the stereotype that Chinese people can fly.

Even I know that’s not true.

Or what about this one…

You expect me to believe that one little box of chicken would be enough to shut all those people up? 

Yeahright.

3.  Animals have tons to do with boobs. 

Really?

Well, that’s what PETA is trying to convince me of anyway (DON’T GO TO THE LINK UNLESS YOU ARE 100% OKAY WITH SEEING A PAIR OF VERY COSTLY BIJONGAS).

I don’t know.

Personally, I could’ve done without the stripper.  I mean the sad images and the creepy-mad-rock-inspired accompaniment were convincing enough on their own.  The naked chick was just distracting because I couldn’t quit looking at her tigolbitties long enough to listen to her message.

4.  Some people are just effing crazy. 

A fact repeatedly proven by reality TV.

I mean did you see this dude on American Idol this week?

Come on.

Really?

Is there any way that dude is not tone deaf?

Doubt it.

And, what about this guy…

He’s lucky the only thing he “done ripped” were his pants.

5.  My children are spoiled.

Really? 

Because they don’t really act like it.

But, maybe the sweet gem of a woman who left the comment on my “Birthday Doughnut” post from a coupla days ago knows them better than I do.

Or.  Maybe I really am just to dumb to notice.

Either way, I’m thinking I should look into this claim and see if there is any validity to it, maybe I’ll take a poll or something, because the last thing I need is a spoiled kid hanging around here.

Loud, energetic, outgoing, overzealous, and showing daredevil like tendencies are hard enough to deal with!

Got a RanDumb video or news story to share with Dumb Mom?  Point the way because I can’t get enough of this stuff.

Have a random (or a RanDumb) post to share?  Head over to Mrs.. 4444 and her Friday Fragments to link up.

RanDumb Reality

Reality TV: my only real pointless-relaxing-pressure-free hobby. Back when I actually had more time to watch TV (aka before I added #3 to my client services list) I was into tons of reality shows.

Just to give you an idea of how serious I was about them, here is a condensed list of what I used to watch: Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, True Life, The Bachelor, Flavor of Love, Made, Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew, America’s Next Top Model, Hell’s Kitchen, The Apprentice, Last Comic Standing, The Simple Life, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and probably at least 5 others I’m forgetting.

And, these are just the shows that I tuned into for more than one season. This doesn’t include all of the ones that were like one season/episode watchers, like Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (which I loved trash-TV-aholic that I am).

In my defense, it’s important to understand that these shows weren’t all on at the same time so it’s not like I was just sitting in front of the television for hours on end each night. Okay, it was sorta like that. But, I always made it a point to get stuff done while watching, like folding laundry or finishing up a project (I used to scrapbook before I realized that I kinda sucked at it).

Now that I don’t have time to watch TV (and when I do it’s a waste of time because people are constantly interrupting and/or screaming so loudly I can’t concentrate) I also don’t have time for folding the laundry. Totally not my fault.

Anyway, I feel that my extensive background in reality television arts gives me the credibility to accurately critique reality TV appearances. That being said let me introduce you to two of the DUMBest most ridiculous examples of all time…

Norberto Guerrero (whose appearance is made even more hilarious by the comments of Simon Cowell; what will this world do without him on American Idol?)…

and, The General (who can thank the deterioration of modern hip hop music for making him into an Internet sensation)…

Reality Steve: the man behind the blog that has all the inside scoop on The Bachelor.

This guy is possibly the most well informed reality TV scoop dude on the planet.

He has predicted, I mean given FACTS (that’s what he says they are anyway) about the way the remainder of the season will shake out.

I am sincerely hoping that he is just predicting based on “a source close to the show” because if what he says happens actually happens I really will be telling Jake and ABC to take their wings and their love and shove it.

I’m not gonna give you any of his beyond-DUMB-better-not-be-true spoilers here. You have to follow this link and check them out for yourself if you wanna know.

Reality checks: something I avoid with a vengeance. Which is why, instead of eating more sensibly and exercising frequently, I have been attempting to Just Dance my a$& off.

Thanks to House Party (have you heard of them? They let you host super cool parties to tell all your friends about fun and awesome new products. So. Neat.) and Ubisoft, and Jell-O Mousse Temptations I got the Wii Just Dance game along with Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy (you know, it’s the one with the camera that scans your body with it's high techyness and then puts a duplicate of you, and your fat belly, on the screen so you can workout with Jenny).

The DUMB part about this whole thing is that while I devoured the mousse (it’s very tasty if you’re into chocolate, aka human) and I am all about the Just Dance game (see video below and try not to hate on my Britney skills) I haven’t gotten into the Your Shape game (the one actually designed to help me lose the thunder thighs jiggling to the beat of Womanizer in the video) like I need to.

I’ve avoided it mostly because I’m unmotivated (read lazy, tired, obsessed with chocolaty goodness, and hiding behind all the winter clothing I can find).

But, my inability to get my act together isn’t my only deterrent. The fact that Skinny Jenny is dancing around with me on the screen making me look like an even bigger lardy is a little annoying too. As petty as it sounds, I enjoyed working out with my Biggest Loser DVDs more because I knew that even though I look fat and uncoordinated and totally uncomfortable, they did too so it made me feel okay.

And, I-swear-I-used-to-be-fat Jenny isn’t the only thing keeping Your Shape in the box at Casa de Dummies. There is also the game’s exercise Nazi bleating on and on about how my arms aren’t in the correct position to contend with.

As I’m huffing and puffing and blowing myself down trying to keep up I’m also busy screaming at the television.

From what I recall I said something along the lines of, “HOLY CRAP YOU IDIOT STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MY BLOODY ARMS! DON’T YOU GET IT? I’M FAT! I’M DOING MY BEST! MY ARMS ARE ABOUT TO FALL OFFA MY BODY! SHUT UP ABOUT THE ARMS! GRRR! I’M DONE.”

I know that exercising with Jenny will probably help me to actually lose some weight (if I could get my stupid arms to cooperate), and I swear (totally pinky swear I’m gonna do it, I really am) that I’m gonna give her a real try starting next week, but in the meantime, this is just so much more fun…

(plain old) Reality: which sucks. Big time.

Not for me, and maybe not for you.

But, definitely for the people suffering in Haiti right now.

I’m almost too embarrassed to admit how DUMB I am for avoiding all of the coverage.

I have my reasons, but basically it’s because I guess I’m kinda selfish (and emotionally ill equipped to deal with the images on the Internet and TV).

While I can’t say that I’ve gotten much more involved (because if I did I would sit here and spend my entire day crying and feeling helpless), I have made my (minor, but hopefully helpful) text donation (you can make one too by texting “haiti” to 90999 so your $10 gets to the Red Cross for relief efforts).

And, I’ve found a blog to share with you guys if you’re interested in following this horrible reality.

Check it out here if you are: Rollings in Haiti

And then, go in the other room and kiss your kid and forgive your husband for forgetting to get THE ONE THING you sent him to the store for. At least that’s what I’m gonna do.

*Have some randumbness or some fragments you'd like to share? Visit Mrs. 444 and her Friday Fragments to link up!

Randumb Resolutions

Welcome to another edition of Randumb, where unrelated dumb happeneings from around the web are highlighted for the purpose of making me feel more awesome about myself.

This week I've decided to focus on New Year's Resolutions.

This is not something we really get into at Casa de Dummies.

Hubby is not a huge fan of them, something about living a life of excellence at all times, and setting and keeping goals as a way of life.

I don't buy it myself, figure it's just a way for him to avoid having to come up with something and try sticking to it, but whatever, I don't really push it because in theory (only just in theory) he has a point with the year round committment to awesome thing.

But, I, like millions of other people often use the first of the year as a jumping off point for making life changes.

Well for making the one life change that I have been trying to make every single effing year since #1 wreaked havoc on my body.

Losing weight.

Every January 1st, I resolve (and by resolve I generally mean I say it knowing in the back of my mind I don't mean it because I can already invision the cupcakes I will be downing by the fistful come #3's ill placed January birthday) to stop eating crap, start working out, and get my body back to the temple it once was.

After finding not one, but two Wii Fits under my tree this year (long story short, my family needs a much better system of gift giving communication) I knew that 2010 would be no different; I would make a heatheir, fitter, hotter body my goal for the year.

And, you know what, this time I really mean it.

Seriously.

I know I've said that all the other years, too, but I'm for real now. I'm sick of crying human tears every time I have to get dressed in non-elastic waist pants to go somewhere.

I want something better for myself.

And, I'm not alone in my quest for greatness.

Tons of people "comitt" themselves to making life changes each year.

Funny thing is, most of us choose to work on the same few things, which just leads me to think it's all just hopeless.

I mean think about it. If we are all struggling to lose weight/eat healthy/save cash then doesn't it just seem unlikely that I'm ever gonna really be happy with these aspects of my life? I mean what is the likelihood that it'll be me?

Hopefully that reasoning is faulty, because I'm just not ready to give up on being a one digit pants size again.

I think the best thing I can do to feel positive about my chances is to help some of you avoid common pitfalls that people fall into while attempting to stick to the most common New Years Resolutions (and make fun of the World Wide Web-full of imbeciles who make it their life's work to provide fodder for awesome sites like Funny or Die and Stupidvideos.com).

Hope this helps!

How To Not Stick To your New Years Resolutions

NYR 1: Spend more time with friends/family. Doing so becomes virtually impossible, however if you find yourself locked up for sniffing people's butts. While doing this is not against the law, per se, it is just creepy enough to cause the police to regard you as a "person of interest". Good luck keeping your nose clean (pun intended) once that happens!



NYR 2: Lose Weight. One way to ruin any cahnce you have of dropping el-bees is to go to McDonalds. But, if for some reason you find yourself smack dab in the middle of ex-transfat heaven you do have options. Instead of consuming the burger mysteriously placed in front of you, instead you could go on a rampage. From what I hear they burn tons of calories and you won't even be tempted to consume any of your fatty artery clogging yumminess since you'll be to preoccupied with fleeing from the authorities. Because you know, those places have SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS RECORDING YOUR EVERY MOVE DUMMY:



NYR: Enjoy Life More. Something you can easily do provided you aren't the clumsiest, most unlucky human being on the planet.

Best Man Wedding Fail - watch more funny videos

So, good luck this year (provided you haven't already abandoned your efforts) creating a new you.

Hopefully you will have better luck than these braniacs did.

Personally, as this is the year of AWESOMENESS I am sticking to it.

I swear!

I totally am.

Now that I've polished off all of the ice cream, cookies, candy, brownies, fudge, cake, and pie in this place, we should be good to go.

Want to join in with a little Randumb fun of your own? Join Half Past Kissing Time (the original inspiration for Randumb) for her Friday Fragments link up.

RanDumb-Holiday Edition, Vol. 2

Welcome to another installment of RanDumb.

A weekly event during which Dumb Mom takes a few moments to focus on people, things, or events that are 1)dumber than her and 2)not related to anything, anyone, anywhere really cares about.

Please take a moment to also visit my Blogland buddy Mrs. 444 whose random Friday Fragments posts are a weekly inspiration for this event.

So let's jump right into this week's holiday edition of RanDumb by introducing you to some creepy holiday cats.

If you didn't hate cats before, you certainly will after you watch this video.

I mean, really, who has that kind of time on their hands?

It actually gave me chills listening to the cats "sing" or whatever that was.

And the dogs? Why the dogs? Are there even people on this planet that enjoy, like actually really delight in, the sound of a barking dog?

If so then you'd love to live in my neighborhood when, at 5am every effing morning, the dogs down the street are dragged, I mean walked, past my house yapping incessantly at nothing, everything, each other.

Similarly to the creepy, caroling cats, the sound makes me ill. Particularly come Sunday morning when sleeping past 5am should be a given.

I love a cute puppy as much as the next girl, but damn it all if I don't want to drag them down to the lake at the end of my street and toss them as far as my jiggly-rarely-used-for-anything-more-physical-than-drinking-coffee arm can toss.

Of course then I'd feel all bad and have to wade out to get the little buggers and then really be ticked when I get some sort of goose urine bacterial disease from the whole ordeal.

Anyway.

Speaking of creepy holidays, have you decided what to get your man for the big day?

Hows about some Prolixus?

What? You mean you're not familiar with this revolutionary product for male sexual enhancement?

Well, before I heard about it on the radio while minding my own business in my car the other day, I was wholly unaware that there was a product that could make him WIDER and THICKER!

Okay, seriously.

Do people really buy this stuff?

I know that the brainwashing, subliminal message filled commercial they put on the radio is hard to resist.

The woman SHOUTING "WIDER" AND "THICKER" OVER AND OVER AGAIN IS DIFFICULT TO IGNORE (and people are ticked that Britney says If You Seek Amy, yet WIDER and THICKER is somehow okay?!).

The facts, based on their RADIO COMMERCIAL and website, are these:

1) The "amazing new formulation" was discovered by "three former medical university students" (the fact that they are not doctors, but were maybe gonna be one day, should definitely prove this product is safe and effective).

2) Men like it when you describe their man parts as "meaty" because size is the "number one concern for every man" (which is great to hear since I was under the erroneous impression that financial stability, being good fathers, and keeping the family safe were top concerns with Hubby; now I know it's really all about being "meaty").

3) Prolixus is "the first and only thickn, wide, large enhancer" product using it's particular formula, on the market right now (and, the fact that they couldn't spell/grammar check their website before publishing it should not frighten you at all).

See. Now, aren't you convinced that this product is exactly what you should be spending at least $76.99 on for your man this holiday season?

Never mind that the ingredients are not listed, that their claims are not substantiated, and that the FDA has not approved it (meaning that his pistola could get WIDER and THICKER, or it could simply spontaneously detach itself from his person after coming into contact with this stuff. Just sayin'.).

I know, I know, the lady on the radio shouted something about a money back guarantee, which is basically the same thing as promising the stuff is gonna work, right?

I mean, it has to work; it was made by "former medical university students", remember?

Prolixus not at the top of your gift giving list this holiday (good for you)?

Well, there are tons of things that should be, all of which you could win if you are smart enough to enter your fugliest holiday cards, similar to this junk featured below (which for the record was Santa's idea, not mine!), in my contest by midnight tonight.

And, I mean midnight, because if you turn your photo in at 12:02am on 12/12/09 I am so gonna feature you on next week's RanDumb.

And, that is not a threat.

It is a promise.


P.S. How lucky are you guys that I can't enter this contest myself, and win? I've seen the entries, and some of them are good. As in really good. But none of them top this one of me sitting on Santa's lap while outweighing him by a solid 14lbs. I could feel his 70 year old knee quivering under my butt the entire time, and it wasn't from pleasure, let me just tell you.

RanDumb-Holiday Edition, Vol. 1

If you haven't been here before, RanDumb is my way of combining my desire to point out that I'm not the only dummy on the planet (yes, my confidence requires such), and Mrs. 444's famous Friday Fragments.

So, don't be alarmed if the elements of this post have only one thing in common...dumbness. Hence the name RanDumb (Random and Dumb smashed together in a catchy sounding way to create one super cool word to encompass both of those things, you know, like Benifer, or Spidey, or Brangelina, or...do you want me to keep going with this?).

Let's talk toys.

Dumb Mom talks toys real good (please tell me you've seen Meet the Parents!).

Assassin Elmo: Coming Soon to a Store Near You

Just watch the video!



Hilarious, right?!

Hubby and I were lamenting the fact that, due to our current loathing of Elmo's voice, we didn't get one of these happy little monsters for #3.

Not because we wanted Mr. Lalalala to issue a death threat against out child, but because we wanted to program all kinds of funny names into him so that he can put out hits on them.

How funny would it be if he said something like kill assface?

Very.

Very funny.

While Elmo is pretty much all talk on the trying-to-off-your-kid front(even though it feels like you're gonna die when you're stuck in the house listening to his annoyingly high pitched voice for hours on end), there is a frighteningly long list of toys that really could end your bundle of joy. Luckily, most of the most fatal offenders have been removed from the market and banned in all fifty states.

Assassin toys were more popular in the past; we saw numerous Pinto-like product recalls in my generation, including Lawn Darts (aka Jarts) and Snacktime Cabbage Patch Dolls.


But, don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-end-you playthings are still around. Check the CPSC's site to see if any of the items on your little one's Xmas wish list are here.

Personally, I'd like a heads up if there is a chance that my child will be impaled, strangled, poisoned, choked, blown up, or hideously burned courtesy of Mr. Claus.

Speaking of fat guys...

Jared got fat

But, so did I, so I'm not trying to point any fingers.

Okay, maybe just one.

All I'm saying is, if I were a professional skinny person, meaning my only job in life is to be thin, and someone was paying me serious bank to do so, you better believe I would stay that way.

I might have to resort to puking my guts out on the regular extreme measures to do so, but there's no way I'd have some lone paparazzi catching me and my belly getting dangerously close to pulling out the fat pants.

Uh. Uh.

And, in the spirit of Christmas...

A zoo in Illinois recently began selling reindeer poop jewelry.

What the deuce?!

May seem a little icktastic to you and me, but apparently, people actually buy it.

The good thing is that doing so supports the animals and the zoo and conservation and other well intentioned crap (pun so completely intended) like that. The zoo even stated that they stand to make more than $16,000 bucks on these (and the similarly constructed ornaments) this year.

So, while this bright idea (can you just see the zoo corporate guy who came up with this..."Hey Jim... I got it! We'll sell sh**! Reindeer sh**! During the holidays! People will love it!") may not be entirely dumb it is definitely disgusting and a special kinda creepy.

So, if you were thinking about getting me a gift for the holidays you have a pretty good idea of what not to get: 1) The Psycho-Mass-Murdering-I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Sucka Talking Elmo doll (although, I would probably enjoy the novelty of this little item), 2)Something NOT designed to maim, burn, lacerate, strangle, choke, impale, decapitate, or otherwise end me, or 3)Something NOT made out of the fecal remnants of four legged mammals known for their fictional participation in fictional stories.

Here's an idea of what I would like to have: Effed up photos of your kids (or your dog, or yourself) attempting to make pretty for a holiday photo, but failing miserably.

Possibly something like this...



Involving a hideously behaved dog (STOP EATING THE COSTUME YOU FOOL!) and a coupla clueless dog whisperers...



You know, so I can enter them in my First Annual Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest.

I just figure that now that Supah Mommy, winner of the world famous Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest, has submitted her entry, you might want a heads up to GET ON THE BALL PEOPLE!

Consider the competition officially ON!

P.S. Mama B is the official winner of my Cheerios and Books giveaway! Go congratulate her!

RanDumb: Wedding Dont's

This week we are gonna discuss weddings.

I know, it's not really wedding season, but during wedding season, I'm sorta busy working at weddings which is where I get some really good insider knowledge about what NOT to do.

So, I'm gonna take some time on this week's RanDumb/Friday Fragments post to share with you some of my insider tips about how you (and by you I mean brides, grooms, wedding party participants, and guests) can easily eff up a wedding.

Apparently, people across the nation are plagued with being chronic Dont's and they consistently make other people's lives, um... difficult.

So, here you have it, from the unofficial, self proclaimed expert on what NOT to do:

RanDumb Ways to Ruin a Wedding (and you HAVE to visit the links or you won't get it!)

1. Don't: Pole Dance. Unless you earn your living by doing so, it is never, ever, appropriate to pole dance in public (if you have seen me doing this, please contact me immediately so that we may settle this privately. I will pay cash money for the destruction of any photos depicting me indulging in this ridiculously fun deplorable activity.).

It is particularly inadvisable to do so at a wedding, unless of course it is your own. And then, it's still not advisable, but at least it's excusable.

Here's what could happen if you don't heed this warning:



Do: Make sure your health insurance is up to date. Because, should pole dancing jump off on your special day, instead of being whisked away on a romantic honeymoon, you may be getting whisked away to the emergency room to have your face x-rayed.

And you were so against that health care reform thingy!

2. Don't: Make it rain. Because throwing cash into a throng of pushing children could lead to your granny getting choked out. I mean, giving away free cash is just asking for an a$$ whoopin' isn't it?

Especially if you live in Tampa, Florida and have your shindig at The Rusty Pelican (seriously, their website says nothing about the Gangster Boogie Beating Package, but I hope it comes with a complimentary bottle of Alize!)

Really, you could even offend people so much that they have to get in their hooptie, drive across town, and deliver a personal beat down to you and your reveling wedding party. No invitation needed.

Do: Make sure you pack heat. Just in case things get crazy and you have to bust a cap in somebody.

Better safe than sorry, that's what I always say.

3. Don't: wear a stupid wedding dress. Because you could easily wind up on a website like this. And, then people like me find your slutty wedding photos, and post them on their blogs, and make you a prime example of what not to do.

No one wants that, do they?

Do: Just skip getting married. Chances are good that you aren't even gonna stay married anyway, so why bother? And, I'm not saying that because you wore a trashy creative dress.

Tons of people get divorced, not just people who look an awful lot like street walking whores.

4. Don't: Skimp on the photographer. When you do your pictures could turn out really bad, and awkward, and, for lack of a better word, ugly.



Then, for rest of your life, every time you look at them you will cry because you remember that you could have gotten a really good photographer, but you didn't because your cousin's boyfriend's sister just got a really good new camera, with the detachable lenses and all, and she said she'd do them for free.

Lucky. You.

Well, guess what, and I'm not just saying this because I am a photographer, it's NOT THE CAMERA!

Just because you have a really nice camera doesn't mean that you will automatically be able to produce really nice photographs.

Not how it works.

Do: Hire a good photographer. Like me!





Or someone way, way, WAY better like...

Beth (one of my favorite people to stalk on Flickr).

or

The Blonde Photographer (one of my favorite people to stalk on Twitter).

You'll be much happier because you won't have to wonder if that shadow under your nose is the result of bad lighting or bad waxing.

5. Don't: Get wasted. The common theme to all of this is that getting totally shredded at a wedding (or anywhere) rather you are the bride, the groom, or one of the other many participants, is largely to be avoided.

Weddings are shamefully expensive.

Drunk people do dumb things.

And, from what I can tell, the two things just don't go together well.

No one wants their two thousand dollar gown puked on, or their $750 cake smashed by their visibly intoxicated, 65 year old aunt who toppled it when she tipped over the table it was sitting on with her impromptu, topless table dance.

If you love someone (or yourself) you won't get sloshed at the wedding or even at the reception.

Because, it's all fun and games until somebody gets elected president*...



*This post was not sponsored by George Bush (although, I'm not entirely opposed to that, GB, have your people call my people) or any of the other individuals included. And, for the record, I'm totally fine with the former president getting wasted (so don't jump all bad on me my Republican readers), it's the fact that he's at a wedding (which will now forever be remembered for being the scandalous video recording sight, thank you very much) that bugs me!

Don't forget to enter here to win the fantabulous cards from Junk Mail Greetings. Have to get your name in the pot by tonight!

RanDumb

I have a hard time with Fridays.

I'm tired, I'm fed up, and I'm ready for Hubby to be around so that the kids have someone other than me to harass interact with.

I usually do Friday Fragments with Mrs. 444, and I plan to continue (because I totally think this qualifies).



But to make Fridays even easier on myself, I've decided to start a new thingy.

Instead of focusing on my own foolish behavior I'm gonna take a day to focus on that of others.

You know, share the wealth.

I shouldn't get all the recognition for being dumb, other people deserve to be honored as well!

Plus, I'd hate to overwhelm you with my personal dumbness, then you may lose sight of the fact that underneath all of this dumb (and blubber, there's a bit of a blubber barrier too) there is some serious awesomeness.

Serious. Awesomeness.

For the most part, like when I'm embarrassing myself in front of workmen, alienating innocent bystanders, or kickin' it old school, you lose sight of this fact.

But it's there, the awesomeness, silently gaining stgrenth, waiting to make it's debut, and when it does...

I can't even tell you what it's gonna be like, but know that it will be, for lack of a better word, awesome.

Anyway.

Fridays (most Fridays, unless something else comes up, or I'm too lazy, or for some strange reasoin no one on the planet is dumber than me) will be about others around here for a while, and the random RanDumb things that happen around the world (but mostly right here in the great US of A) that remind us that we can't all be mental giants no matter how much we want to.

But, don't get too attached 'cause I bore easily. And, I tire quickly. Guess that's a side effect of being old fat dumb.

Feel free to send me any stories you'd like me to include, I hate doing research so most of my ideas come from my favorite radio show (LOVE YOU KANE! and Sarah and Samy).

They find it, I share it with you. Makes me look smart (okay, maybe not actually smart, but sorta resourceful, maybe?) and you like it (at least I hope you do).



Soccer Goes Gangster

Watch the video.



I know, right? That's some CA-RAZY sh**!

Was she even playing soccer? Looked more like UFC to me, only the other people didn't know they were supposed to be blocking gut punches and kicks to the face.

Now I know why I was a cheerleader (aside from the cute skirts and the boys!).

I'm so not cut out for physical violence. I've always been more of a duck and cover than a rise and conquer type girl.

Social assains who talk crap about your thighs, and your hair, and your attire, I could handle, but those rugged chicks who would get all up in your face, scary!

I mean, there's my dental work to consider.

So, from a nonathlete like myself, I've got a question for you: Have you, or your daughters, ever experienced any type of on field violence? If so, was the attacker punished either by officials or by you?!

Holy Finger Amputation, Batman

Yep, the MacLaren thing.

We've all heard of it by now.

And, to think, some of us (me included) paid upwards of $250 bucks to be trendy and cute with these things.

Who knew that trendy and cute=losing a finger?

Here's a question for all of you trendsetters out there: Now that your baby caddy is death on wheels, what are you gonna do about it? Will you roll Maclaren style ever again? Do you think the Macs will go the way of the Pintos?

Get Skinny Wit It

This week, I heard about this weight loss program that uses Serotonin to help you control your cravings and stuff (read the website, I hate summarizing).

I called because the article said it's like 99% effective at helping you lose around 30lbs. in only 12 weeks.

Seriously?! Even I'm not unlucky enough to be the 1% to not lose weight with stats like that (although they said the same thing about BC...Hello #1!).

Anyway, the doc on the phone answered all my little medical questions and concerns and then she dropped the bomb on me...it costs $1200!

$1200?! That's $100 per week!

If I had that kinda money I wouldn't need their stupid little weight loss plan, I'd just get the fat rolls lopped off.

I feel like the only way for me to be thin is for me to get rich.

I mean, I feel like if I had the money that Demi has then I'd have those guns too...



to go along with those sexy heels.

And, if I had Keira's cash, I'd have a skimpy little, awkwardly fitted top just like this one...



Just to show off my bangin' abs, though.

This is why I don't really feel bad for people like Britney and Jessica who get all gooey guts and then get all whiny about people talking crap about their weight (not that I wouldn't shoot my pinky toe off to have either of their "fat" bodies).

If I had the cash that would afford me the time, and the trainer, and the in house gym, and the celebrity chef, and the cocaine supplements, and the plastic surgery to keep myself thin then I would totally do it.

As it stands, I look more like Missy Elliot (with better hair),



you know before she lost the weight, and gained a since of style, and I can't even afford this itty bitty, medically monitored, FDA approved weight regimine (accepting donations).

I guess I'm doomed to stay Two Ton Tilly for ever.

And, if that's not dumb then I don't know what is!

Fragmented Friday

Today's Fragmented post (part of Mrs. 444's weekly series) will be a bit hurried and possibly more fragmented (aka all over the place) because I'm being interrupted repeatedly as I type it to run crawl shamelessly to the bathroom to make whoopee with the porcelain prince.

TMI? Well, then you may want to just stop reading now because I really can't help myself tonight.

Five Fun Fragments...

1. Taco salad is good. Follow it up with a chocolate cupcake wrapped in smooth, delicious strawberry icing and it's the perfect way to end the night.

2. Not such a perfect way to end the night...commode hugging as you wretch your brains out as a result of some nasty chemical reaction spawned by those strawberry covered, chocolate, instruments of death.

I'll save you the gory details, just know that I felt like power washing my mouth after all that dirty went through.

3. Today (and possibly everyday in the foreseeable future) is Halloween. Why? Because Bat-Dawg has taken over my house and is running rampant through it, wreaking havoc on us innocently costumeless bystanders.



Anyone wanna take his high flying barking dog and pony bat show offa my hands for a few days?

4. I love Vampires. I know. Sounds strange coming from a polyester sweat suit wearing SAHM of three, but it's totally true.

And, thing about it is that apparently I love all kinds of vamps: the smouldering, sexually tormented Twilight teen vamps, the hot and sexy, kill-at-will-but-try-to-survive-synthetically True Blood vamps, and every Thursday night since Fall TV began I've been enjoying the waring-love-triangle-vamp-brothers of Vampire Diaries.

And, in case anyone was wondering, all of these are adapted from books.

Books that I have read.

Books that all receive my stamp of vamp-obsessed approval.

All except for that last one.

Don't read it. Well, if you are a 15 year old girl who accidentally stumbled upon this blog via a Google search from Vamp Loving Moms Who Rock, then you should read it. You totally should.

Everyone else should just check out the show 'cause to be on The CW, it's a pretty decent show. I mean, if you're into that sorta thing.

5. Going to be a long night of puking over here. Pretty sure someone poisoned me. Where is Bat-Dawg when you need him?! Blech!

P.S. Remember today is the last day to cast your votes for PBD's Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest finalists. So take a look and pic your fave by clicking here!