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Friday, November 13, 2009


I have a hard time with Fridays.

I'm tired, I'm fed up, and I'm ready for Hubby to be around so that the kids have someone other than me to harass interact with.

I usually do Friday Fragments with Mrs. 444, and I plan to continue (because I totally think this qualifies).

Friday Fragments?

But to make Fridays even easier on myself, I've decided to start a new thingy.

Instead of focusing on my own foolish behavior I'm gonna take a day to focus on that of others.

You know, share the wealth.

I shouldn't get all the recognition for being dumb, other people deserve to be honored as well!

Plus, I'd hate to overwhelm you with my personal dumbness, then you may lose sight of the fact that underneath all of this dumb (and blubber, there's a bit of a blubber barrier too) there is some serious awesomeness.

Serious. Awesomeness.

For the most part, like when I'm embarrassing myself in front of workmen, alienating innocent bystanders, or kickin' it old school, you lose sight of this fact.

But it's there, the awesomeness, silently gaining stgrenth, waiting to make it's debut, and when it does...

I can't even tell you what it's gonna be like, but know that it will be, for lack of a better word, awesome.


Fridays (most Fridays, unless something else comes up, or I'm too lazy, or for some strange reasoin no one on the planet is dumber than me) will be about others around here for a while, and the random RanDumb things that happen around the world (but mostly right here in the great US of A) that remind us that we can't all be mental giants no matter how much we want to.

But, don't get too attached 'cause I bore easily. And, I tire quickly. Guess that's a side effect of being old fat dumb.

Feel free to send me any stories you'd like me to include, I hate doing research so most of my ideas come from my favorite radio show (LOVE YOU KANE! and Sarah and Samy).

They find it, I share it with you. Makes me look smart (okay, maybe not actually smart, but sorta resourceful, maybe?) and you like it (at least I hope you do).

Soccer Goes Gangster

Watch the video.

I know, right? That's some CA-RAZY sh**!

Was she even playing soccer? Looked more like UFC to me, only the other people didn't know they were supposed to be blocking gut punches and kicks to the face.

Now I know why I was a cheerleader (aside from the cute skirts and the boys!).

I'm so not cut out for physical violence. I've always been more of a duck and cover than a rise and conquer type girl.

Social assains who talk crap about your thighs, and your hair, and your attire, I could handle, but those rugged chicks who would get all up in your face, scary!

I mean, there's my dental work to consider.

So, from a nonathlete like myself, I've got a question for you: Have you, or your daughters, ever experienced any type of on field violence? If so, was the attacker punished either by officials or by you?!

Holy Finger Amputation, Batman

Yep, the MacLaren thing.

We've all heard of it by now.

And, to think, some of us (me included) paid upwards of $250 bucks to be trendy and cute with these things.

Who knew that trendy and cute=losing a finger?

Here's a question for all of you trendsetters out there: Now that your baby caddy is death on wheels, what are you gonna do about it? Will you roll Maclaren style ever again? Do you think the Macs will go the way of the Pintos?

Get Skinny Wit It

This week, I heard about this weight loss program that uses Serotonin to help you control your cravings and stuff (read the website, I hate summarizing).

I called because the article said it's like 99% effective at helping you lose around 30lbs. in only 12 weeks.

Seriously?! Even I'm not unlucky enough to be the 1% to not lose weight with stats like that (although they said the same thing about BC...Hello #1!).

Anyway, the doc on the phone answered all my little medical questions and concerns and then she dropped the bomb on costs $1200!

$1200?! That's $100 per week!

If I had that kinda money I wouldn't need their stupid little weight loss plan, I'd just get the fat rolls lopped off.

I feel like the only way for me to be thin is for me to get rich.

I mean, I feel like if I had the money that Demi has then I'd have those guns too...

to go along with those sexy heels.

And, if I had Keira's cash, I'd have a skimpy little, awkwardly fitted top just like this one...

Just to show off my bangin' abs, though.

This is why I don't really feel bad for people like Britney and Jessica who get all gooey guts and then get all whiny about people talking crap about their weight (not that I wouldn't shoot my pinky toe off to have either of their "fat" bodies).

If I had the cash that would afford me the time, and the trainer, and the in house gym, and the celebrity chef, and the cocaine supplements, and the plastic surgery to keep myself thin then I would totally do it.

As it stands, I look more like Missy Elliot (with better hair),

you know before she lost the weight, and gained a since of style, and I can't even afford this itty bitty, medically monitored, FDA approved weight regimine (accepting donations).

I guess I'm doomed to stay Two Ton Tilly for ever.

And, if that's not dumb then I don't know what is!


blueviolet said...

Money can make a lot of things so much easier, can't it? I would pay to get sculpted if I could too.

JaelCustomDesigns said...

Wow! I still can't believe that soccer player.
She's gangster for real!

Made me start to think about my son whom I just signed up for soccer yesterday. hmmm...

I have it with celebrities and their plastic surgeries, botox and everything else. Ugh!

I'm sorry, I'm one of those I'm not going to fix it if it ain't broken type of people. I accept the way I am money or not.

Who wants to be senior citizen with a pair of silicone breasts and tight as face. They are all going to look like crap after all of that nipping & tucking going on. I just can't...

Anonymous said...

Like this new idea for Fridays! Keep it up!!

Mama Kat said...

For the record I like Missy better than either of those other gals. She's awesome. Maybe a lesbian?? No??

Miss Dot said...

BAhaha -- that soccer chick is NUTSO! Plus I love that you were a cheerleader. ME TOO! We're totally twins.

When did I become my Mom said...

Oh why is Missy lookin like that - totally hides the fact that she's awesome. Love her. Let's just forget those days shall we?

I saw that girl footballer - she is nutso. Can we say Anger Management? Daaaamn!

LucyCooper said...

I HATE it when Jessica Simpson whines about all the ridiculous pressure to be thin. Sweetheart, just a coupla years ago you were rubbing yourself all over a car in a bikini and totally greasing the wheels of the Ridiculous Body Image Machine. Boo fuckin' hoo.

And I think Queen Latifah is Gah-horgeous. Her skin is sublime, and she always looks amazing.

Maybe the soccer player had PMS?

Have a good weekend.....

Unknown Mami said...

If I were rich it would be sooo easy to be thin. I'd get a chef, trainer, you name it.

Now, what crazy mirror are you lookin' in because I'm not seeing Missy Elliot when I see photos of you.

kys said...

That soccer player is horrible!

I was with you on the Serotonin until you said the price. That sucks.

Jennifer said...

I saw the video earlier this week. I can't believe when she grabs that chicks ponytail for no reason at all. They are just standing there and bam. I think she is probably on steroids or something.

Lindsay said...

Seriously, I have no words b/c I'm laughing so hard...

Anonymous said...

I wish I had money too. Though I would have kicked the sh*t out of that soccer player.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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