A Blog for the People

Okay.

I’ve shared a lot on this blog.

About my family (only because I kinda have to; it’s a “parenting” blog after all, even if I don’t really excel in that!).

About my marriage (well, not so much. Dumb Dad is sort of an enigma).

About my job (what friggin’ job?!).

About the fact that doing Writer's Workshop every Thursday with Mama K is my life's goal.

Even about my effed up stank butt kidney from Hell internal organs (might as well, they suck it anyway).

I think I’ve put it all out there (not much to IT actually, so no big deal).

To read me is to know me, that’s what I always say.

parenting BY dummies is an open book.

But the one thing I’ve never really shared with you is why I blog.

Why do I open myself up to criticism, and ridicule, and judgment?

Why do I share my inner most thoughts and desires?

Why do I make a fool of myself for the enjoyment of others?

I’ll tell you why.

Because you love me. That’s why.

I do it all for you, people.

It’s obviously not the fame or fortune.

Not that I don’t desire fame and fortune (call me TLC, I have a marvelous idea for a new reality show: Dumb Mom Nation. I go around and spend the day giving other moms a break from their hectic lifestyles. I watch their kids, I do their laundry, I even go on dates with their husbands entertain their in-laws. And then, when they come back from their lovely, relaxcation I go over the 101 ways that they are dumb and give them constructive, provided by an actual professional, ways to improve. Awesome, right?!), but there just doesn’t seem to be enough of that to go around.

I like to interact with my 10 readers (I think I’ve gained a few since Bloggy BC).

It didn’t start out that way, of course, but that’s what it’s become.

A way for me to share with you; to feel more connected to the outside world.

To make your days brighter, really.

Which is why I make up funtastic little things like Thank Me Later Thursday that pretty much just Maggie participates in (thank you Maggie).

And, even though Thank Me Later hasn’t taken off the way I’d hoped, or at all, I’m gonna try again.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment a sweetie like that.

Introducing: Mom Tip Tuesday!

An easy way for you to do what you do best…Tell other people what to do, and how to do it!

Share what you know, or what you want others to know, or how to know more like you do, or what to do with what they know, or where to take what they know and shove it, okay maybe not so much he last one, but you get the picture!

Because mom’s like to brag share.

And most of us have tons of things to brag share about only no one around who cares to share with.

That’s what we, your hopelessly devoted bloggy buddies, are for.

To listen when no one else will.

To praise you when no one else notices.

And, to steal your ideas and act like they are our own (okay, maybe only I do that).

So, if you have a handy little piece of advice, a recipe, a craft, a dummy proof DIY home project I (and by I of course I’m speaking for all Dumb Mom readers) would love for you to share.

So we can steal it support you, and tell you you’re amazing, and possibly attempt to incorporate your advice/project/awesome way of life into our own homes.

Now, I know you probably have tons of questions.

Let me answer a few of those.

Q1: Hey Dumb Mom, what if I shared this perfectly delicious recipe for cow tongue last year when no one was reading my blog. Can I repost that and share it with you all now?

A: Well of course, Made Up Question Asker! Feel free to share a previously posted post, but we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t share them all, on the same day. Maybe just one or two.

Q2: You know, Dumb Mom, I already participate in a meme that I really like doing on Tuesdays. Can I add a tip into that and post it here also or does the whole post have to be about a tip?

A: Good one, Second Made Up Question Asker! All I can say is that I’m really desperate not particular. I mostly just want people to come to pBd to share what they’ve got going on over at their blogs. Your tip can be an entire post or one line of an entire post about something else. I’ll take what I can get.

Q3: Well, Dummy, if I enter a link are you even gonna read it?

A: First of, calm down, Champ. Dumb Mom I’m fine with, Dum-my, not so much. And, yes. If I host a Linky on pBd it’s because I really do want to read your posts and interact with you on your blogs. So, yeah, you link it and I’ll read it, simple as that.

Q4: This is truly awesome, Dumb Mom. Should we thank you now or later?

A: You know, either way works for me:). Adding your links below (and on Tuesday) is thanks enough!

Hopefully that covers everything and some of you (other than just Maggie, bless her devoted blogging heart) will be inspired to participate.

Because that’s what it’s all about, right?!

On that note, I also have to tell you that I’m entering a sweet little BlogHer contest hosted by Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom and Seed.

It’s about my Seedology, which, from what I can discern, basically translates into what sustains me.

I made a funky fresh Whrrl Story about it.

Watch it if you want. Just to bribe you...It has never before seen pictures of The Dudes.

Powered by Whrrl

You can enter too only, as I plan to win, there is really no reason that you should.

The only thing you should do is leave me a lovely comment saying that you love me, and make sure you find your way back here with a tip to share next Tuesday and every Tuesday after that for the rest of your blogging life.

Amen.

Wordful Boot Camp Wednesday

In case you are a pop culture reject happen to not recognize the cadence of the lyrics, this is the popular parody song, "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh", originally recorded by Allan Sherman in the '60s.

Well, WELL before my time, but still, I know my comedy people.

This is my Blaxican take on the song for Bloggy Boot Camp.

Sing along. It works better that way!

Hola Mami.

Hola Papi.

Here I am at,

Boot Camp Bloggy.

It is very entertaining,

Tiffany says that we’ll get some blogging training!

I saw Fran.

She’s a hotty.

Laughed so hard I,

had to potty.

And Mama K,

she’s a winner.

Next time I will make her take me out to dinner.

All the ladies,

looked so pretty.

Had me feeling,

kinda sh$&ty.

And look at Jenny,

she’s so skinny.*

Made me want to drink a tumbler full of Remy.

Now I don’t want,

this to scare ya.

Psycho-mask girl,

isn’t scary.

She is nice.

Her name is Sunday.

Wanna be cool like her, oh well, maybe one day.

I am home now,

Mami, Papi.

But I’m goin’ back.

Try to stop me.

Maybe Philly,

is where I’ll soon be.

And I’m coming for the people who ignored me!

And by ignored I mean didn’t ensure that I knew who they were so that I could profess my love for them in true Dumb Mom fashion.

It's no fun to shamelessly stalk people if you don't get to show your crazy to them in person.

And, they stalk me! Not the other way around.

Swear.

I don't creep around on Shell's blog and get all jealous that she's stealing one of my OG blogging besties. Nor do I go over to Mary's and wish I could have have a fancy schmansy blog design and a bloggy sister too (since BFF has lost her blogging mojo a bit lately)!

Nope. They do that stuff to me.

Totally swear.

Anyway. Point is, next time you will not get off so easily!

You are gonna have a sit down with Dumb Mom.

So gonna hump your leg.

*For the record, Fran is skinny too, but since she's preggers I figured I wouldn't mention. She wouldn't believe me anyway, because pregnant chicks never believe you when you say that, plus I hate that my tummy is currently larger than hers and I don't want to focus on that tidbit too much.

Am I a Dumb Mom Blogger?

Since it’s Bachelor Tuesday I was gonna talk about Jason and Molly’s wedding, but I figured who even cares?

Jason is gonna cry.

Some old Bachelor “stars” are gonna be in appearance.

And, it was the most touching Bachelor wedding in Bachelor history (and C. Harrison isn’t just saying that because it’s the ONLY Bachelor wedding Bachelor history, promise).

Whatever.

Melissa is cuter.

Let’s talk about something less predictable…

BLOGGY BOOT CAMP!

Bloggy Boot Camp, like every single SITS related thing ever, was a BLAST!

I have admit that at first I was a little bit skeptical about the level –o fun.

‘Cause, you know, I did Vegas for SITScation, and I was like, seriously, how can this compare?

Baltimore? In March?

No Justin?

No BFF?

No Vegas?!

For crying out loud Dumb Dad wants to go?!

Consider my fun K-Oed.

Not because Dumb Dad isn’t fun, ‘cause he is. Sorta.

It’s just that when Dumb Dad is around I’m a little bit less fun. Just because, as a natural put-others-first-altruistic-near-goddess, it’s hard for me to not worry about if he’s having fun too.

So, when Dumb Dad’s around I’m more focused on being the life of his party rather than being the life of everyone else's.

And that makes me sad.

Being the life of everyone’s party is sorta my thing.

Don’t get me wrong, it is super hard work. Sacrificing myself to make sure everyone else has an awesome time, is not easy.

I have to have more drinks, tell more jokes, dance on more tables.

Hard work people. H-A-R-D.

But I do it because I care.

So when I can’t get out there, work the dance floor, shake what my momma (and a few bags of Oreo cookies) gave me it hurts.

Anyway.

Point is, I had concerns.

Would Bloggy BC be all that and a bag o’ chips?

Were Tiffany and Heather the brain mamas behind this shindig?

Then what was worrying about?

Bloggy BC was frickin’ awesome.

Maybe not what-happens-in-Vegas-stays-in-Vegas-Justin-Timberlake-making-out-with-me-in-his-mind awesome, but still awesome in other ways.

For one thing I learned a butt load more stuff about why I suck how to be a better blogger at this conference.

Possibly just because a meanie-face headache invaded my cranium and prevented me from doing the Tootsie Roll all over some piano bar, which meant that I was able to digest what people were saying to me and remember it long term.

Not because I’m gonna actually up my awesome around here, you know, ‘cause I’m a lazy a** when it comes to pretty much everything certain stuff, but because it’s really nice to know why you suck instead of wasting time wondering about it.

Curious to know if you suck it have a lot to learn too?

Of course you are!

How about a quiz, Glamour Mag style (don’t you just love those things? Random quizzes about stuff that doesn’t even matter are my idea of good, old-fashioned bathroom approved fun!), to determine where you fall on the Dumb Mom Blogger Scale.

Am I a Dumb Mom Blogger? Take this mostly meaningless quiz to determine if you are on the road to life as a Pro Blogger or stuck in rut as a glorified Wannabe!

1. When coming up with a title for my blog post I

a. try to make myself giggle

b. think about what people are searching for

c. number them because it’s easiest

d. What the? I’m supposed to title them?

2. My blogging platform of choice is

a. Blogger

b. Wordpress

c. Something else

d. What the? Platform?

3. I will do a review or giveaway on my blog in a heartbeat and all I ask for in exchange is

a. BBQ sauce, yogurt, or whatever you have because free stuff makes me happy

b. Cash. Cold, hard, CASH!

c. Nothing because I just want people to like me

d. What the? I can do reviews on my blog?! Sign me up!

4. I have used Goggle AdWords: Keyword Tool

a. a few times, but I swear I’m gonna do it more, if I can remember, because I know I should

b. numerous times because I’m all over SEO baby; that’s Search Engine Optimization if you’re nasty

c. like maybe one time, maybe, no never mind that was that other thing, anyway, I’ve heard of it at least so get off me

d. What the? Keywords?

5. My Twitter account

a. is active and growing and used daily, but people don’t follow me even though I am funny as crap

b. is my life and it shows because a whole butt load of people follow me and Tweet me and think I’m da shiz

c. was recently activated, but dang it, I can’t remember the freakin’ password

d. What the? Twitter? No one cares that I spend most of my day in the crapper, do they? Bloody IBS is ruining my life!

6. I know my worth and will not sell out for anything less than

a. a bottle of BBQ sauce, but the good kind, seriously, I’m talkin’ the gourmet one on the special aisle in the grocery store

b. 6 months with the new Benz, a trip to Jamaica, or a chance to meet Oprah

c. There’s no such thing as selling out. There’s free and there’s paid for. Free is always best.

d. What the? I’m for sell?

7. I know where my blog is going and I’m

a. constantly changing directions because I know where I want it to go, but I have no idea how to get it there, and even if I did no one will let me in when I arrive

b. on a one way street to the blogging promise land, thanks to a quality, well thought out long term plan with measurable steps toward success. Oh, and I’ll sell it to you for ONE MILION DOLLARS!

c. afraid of where that might be

d. What the? My blog is going somewhere?

8. I often feel overwhelmed by

a. doing stuff for free

b. managing all the Benjamins I’m earning from blogging

c. my kids and the fact that I haven’t blogged at all in 2010

d. What the? Seriously, it’s my nap time so please just don’t talk.

9. I think _____ is most important

a. comments

b. page views, and then comments

c. followers

d. What the? What is a page view? Will it get me a follower?

10. I read parenting BY dummies

a. daily

b. never

c. occasionally, when I get online, which is not everyday, so yeah, then

d. What the? They let dummies be parents?

Now check your score!

Mostly A’s: Official Dummy! Which means you are awesome in my book, but probably not the most successful blogger on the block. Check out some of these blogging all stars if you want to increase your traffic, get recognized by people who matter, and earn cash. Cold. Hard. But will pay the heck outta your light bill Cash.

Mostly B’s: Blogging All-Star. I want to be you when my blog grows up, and while there is a good chance I never ever will so long as we both shall live, I’m gonna start trying. I swear it. As soon as I remember to. Until then I will stalk you shamelessly because that’s what I do, stalk people who are awesomer than me and copy their style. Only I suck at being a copier too so you’ll never even notice.

Mostly C’s: Half Hearted Blogger. You are the blogger I used to be. It will get better. The minute you lock your kids in the playroom with the TV tuned to Playhouse Disney, fully immerse yourself in Twitter, and find some BBQ maker to give you some free samples you will be me: a mediocre blogger who is desperately trying to get better. Aim mediocre people. You can do this!

Mostly D’s: Non-Blogger Blogger. You are not a blogger. Accept and move on.

Share your score in the comments section, and you’re lying if you say you got mostly B’s.

People who get mostly' B’s don’t read parenting BY dummies.

Make New ifriends Monday: The Diaper Chronicles

Since it’s still National Kidney Month I thought I’d introduce you to another parent who is busy being awesome while living life with a bum kidney (or 2).

What makes this particular blogger so awesome is that not only is this our first kidney-disease-having parent ifriend, but he is also a HE!

That’s right peeps, give a big, dumb round of applause to our very first DAD blogger.

Plus he’s a writer. Like a real one. With a BOOK.

Cool, right?!

So check him out. Say hi. And, tell him Dumb Mom sent you.

Barak’s Background

Barack Levin was born in 1970 in Tel Aviv, Israel and moved to Pittsburgh in 1996 to pursue his Master’s degree. Shortly after his arrival he met a beautiful French woman, Michelle, and fell in love. A year later, during a routine physical, he learned he had an irreversible and life-threatening kidney disease. He was 26 years old – the doctor doubted that he would see 30. But, despite this news, he refused to give up his dream of marrying Michelle and raising a multi-national family in the U.S.

Knowing he was living on borrowed time, and despite everyone he knew telling him he was crazy, he decided to become a stay/work-at-home dad and shoulder most of the responsibility of caring for his son for his first year of life (and, potentially, the last twelve months of his). “I wanted to offer him proper guidance, using some very unconventional methods, through the first steps of his journey to becoming a fantastic kid and a great man journey I feared I might not be around to witness much of,” says Levin.

Thirteen years later, Barack is alive and living in Atlanta, with Michelle and their two children. He is the author of the book The Diaper Chronicles– A stay at home dad’s quest for raising great kids, based on his experience’s, available through his website at http://www.baracklevin.com.

Cent Saving Saturday: Poop and Stuff

So, I’m off to Bloggy Boot Camp this weekend!

Yep, looking all spiffy (aka waxed and dressed in grown up clothing) and ready to learn (aka stay awake) from the awesome ladies that will be droppin’ knowledge on all of us low level bloggers.

I’m really excited to pick up some jewels of blogging knowledge, but I’m mostly looking forward to just hanging out with some fellow bloggers.

‘Cause they get me, you know.

At least, they get the blog me.

Which is why Dumb Mom LOVES gearing up to go to these things.

The pre-posts, the pre-post connections, the pre-post Tweets, the outfit selections, the Tweeting about the outfit selections, the Tweeting about the outfit selecting selections.

It’s all part of it.

And it’s fun, and it’s interesting, and it’s what Dumb Mom enjoys the most about conferences, I mean, aside from the learning, of course.

Because Dumb Mom doesn’t actually get to go to conferences.

She does all of the pre-conference preparations, but it’s me who actually shows up.

The real me.  

The mom behind the Dumb Mom.

Because Dumb Mom is like an improved, way more likeable alter ego.

The real dummy is me, hiding behind the outgoing, funny, quick tongued, sexy, hot, MILF of a woman that Dumb Mom has become in my mind.

And, I have to admit, living up to Dumb Mom’s greatness is a bit daunting for little ole me.

People expect me to be this crazy, outgoing, loud mouthed, life-of-the-party-machine of a person, but I’m not.

I’m kinda shy, and somewhat boring, and semi dowdy, and borderline dorky, and very much socially awkward.  So I sweat a lot when I get nervous, which is pretty much anytime anyone is speaking to me face to face.

And I kick rocks.  When the conversation slows (which is often right after hello).

Because I’m not big into small talk.

I’m kinda like Peter Parker and Spidey.

Or Clark and Superman.

I’d love to be more like Bruce Wayne and Batman, because both of those dudes were cool (note that I am self proclaimed superhero nerd).

But, I’m not.

Because Dumb Mom is cool.

And mostly, I’m just not.

So get your minds right people, because I am coming to Bloggy Boot Camp this weekend, Dumb Mom is staying home.  That biotch has some cleaning to do!

Moving right along to poop.

I’m swearing (and by swearing I pretty much just mean agreeing to it for now, because I want to, but reserving the right to change my mind whenever the heck I feel like it) that this will be my last discussion of things potty training oriented (at least until I need to again).

I know how hard it is to listen to parents of genius kids harp on and on about the awesomeness of their own children, especially when you are sharing the dinner table with a 5 year old who still wears a diaper and requires you to work the spoon for him.

I get it.

But I want you to leave this spot today with a good money saving tip and it’s 100% related to deuce dropping.

Ya’ ready?

Okay.  In order to save future cash on a costly (and painful and possibly humiliating experience because you could find yourself stuck carrying a bag of your own excrement around in a fanny pack for the rest of your life) colectomy (taking out your poop tube for those of you not up on your medical terminology) keep yourself regular.

Because yes, severe constipation, it can lead straight to a really nasty situation before you even know it.

Which is why I’ve been so desperately concerned about #3 and his categorical refusal to relieve himself fully.

Not wanting the kid to spend another day in pain, I did what any self respecting, half way decent mama would do: I got him a laxative (only because dried fruit and fruit juice and that really thick bread that is sorta similar to sheet rock was not doing the trick).

Actually, I sent Dumb Dad out on a poop-inducing-drug-locating mission.

And when he returned with the little box of Pedia-Lax, melt away strips, I ripped into that bad boy like nobody's business.

I gave him one.

He gagged a little.

I waited.  And waited.  And watched American Idol.  And waited.  And I finally went to bed only to be awoken at the booty-butt crack of dawn by a highly irritated toddler, crying out for my presence.

Upon entering his room, I immediately passed out from the stench assessed the situation and realized that the Pedia-Lax had kicked in and he’d messed himself in his sleep.

Maybe not the most optimal time for bowel clearing, but you know, beggars can’t be choosers (although I do intend to choose in the future, by giving it to him early in the morning with the hope that the bowels will be vacated well before nightfall).

Now that I’ve made a long story even longer, I’m sure you’re wishing you had some of this magical poop inducing elixir from the Gods, and if you are you should totally buy yourself some.

But, if you are in the market for a healthful fiber supplement to use as a daily addition to your little person’s diet because s/he is a poop avoider a finicky eater in need of it, then look no further.

Thanks to Fleets*, the makers of Pedia-Lax, I just so happen to have a handy, dandy bottle of poop encouraging wonder gummies (aka Pedia-Lax Fiber Gummies) to give away to one lucky winner.

What do you need to do to win?

Tell me you want to by leaving a comment.

That’s it.

I’ll do my hat picking next Saturday (3/13)**, bright and early in the morning, and it’ll be on it’s way!

Oh and if you came over just to see if you won the Light Scoop and are hating me right now for saving that tidbit for last, here it is…

Amy B. from The Bee Dot is the big winner!

Go giver her a woot!

Happy Saturday peeps!

 

*Yes.  They are giving me some too.  But, if you’re of the she-got-this-free-can-I-trust-her-opinion squeamish type, please note that I purchased and use this product on my own prior to receiving my free samples.  We use ours daily.

**Entries must be received by 3/12 at midnight.