This week’s topic is a big one; something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately: Having “The Talk” with The Dudes.
And, don’t try to act all innocent with me, you know exactly which “talk” I’m talking about.
Yeeeaaah. THAT one.
One of my main fears about being a mom to a daughter was the sex issue.
What to say, when to say it, should I use a diagram, get a book, a film?
But, when I realized that it would be just The Dudes, I sorta let myself off the hook.
I mean, that’s what Dumb Dad is for, right?
To teach them all about dude stuff (seeing how I’m in charge of pretty much everything else!)?
So, I’ve been talking to him about it lately.
Just sorta encouraging to do some recognizance with #1, find out what he knows, or doesn’t know about the whole thing (he is 8 after all and I figure someone, somewhere has shared with him some
misinformation by this point).
And yeah, looks like he’s gonna be useless with this.
His idea of having “The Talk” is to wait ‘til they’re like 15, take them out to the garage, and say something along the lines of, “So, uh, you know about chicks? Got any questions?”, and pray that they are too embarrassed, too surprised, or too advanced to ask him anything.
You can’t wait until they are full blown
chick magnets dudes (aka gone through the most excruciating parts of puberty) to have the becoming-a-full-blown-dude talk with them.
You have to ease them into things, so they know what to expect and what’s normal and how they should respond to their new feelings and dude parts and stuff.
After reading this post from Makes Me Wanna Holler, I sorta let Dumb Dad off the hook a bit, and decided to give him some more specific guidance.
Already we’ve sorta started the dialogue, mostly in regards to what’s appropriate (since #2 needs to repeatedly be reminded that, while girls love to be complimented, it’s not really okay for him to rub BFFs butt and tell her it’s “SO AWEEEsome”). And, we talk about
sensations feelings, and the incessant hands in the pants, and just everyday stuff like that.
But, I’m looking ahead to getting more specific. Middle school will be here before I know it, and I’m thinking we should have it before then? Or maybe after then? Or, possibly during it? Not sure???
Because, I can avoid IT for as long as I want, but I’m guessing it ain’t gonna go away.
Not likely, right?
I’ve not quite come up with what we’re gonna say (aka what he’s gonna say after I’ve coached him sufficiently)when the time comes to debunk the babies-come-from-Mommy’s-belly-because-God-puts-them-there-because-he-wants-to myth, but I’ve got a long list of what I’m NOT gonna do.
Since, you know, I sorta specialize in that; knowing exactly what NOT to do.
So here you have it, Dumb Mom’s Guide to Ruining Sex for Your Kids, ensuring that if they are getting some you’ll be the last one to know about it.
5. Show them this video.
If Sex Ed PSAs Were Realistic -- powered by Cracked.com
4. Let this guy tell them.
3. Provide them with
porn condoms a Wet Wabbit sex paraphernalia without a valid explanation. Giving them a box of condoms and telling them to read the product insert sheet or “Google it” may seem like an easy-I’m-off-the-hook-because-Google-knows-everything, great idea, but lemme tell ya, it’s not. The Internet is a scary place for the sex novice; not only are there images that would scare an average human, but it’s a hotbed of misinformation. Besides, you want to break into a hot nervous related sweat have a dialogue with your children about this whole sex business. You want to be the one to provide them with factual information, to answer their questions (no matter how off the wall awkward and weird they are), and to give them the opportunity and the ability to be open and honest with you about their emotions and physical feelings. They may seem all a-ok when they are with their friends, but seriously, learning the ins and outs (pun intended) of this is spooky sh$t and you want to be a part of every spooky experience your kid has, right? Or, you could leave it to that over grown man child in your son’s gym class. You know the one that makes you think that the hormones in food have done some serious work on him because you’re pretty sure that he’s hookin’ up with your slutty neighbor he has David Beckham’s body and the facial hair of Joaquin Phoenix when he went nuts? Or even more scary, you could let your kid’s high school version of these guys fill him in (because every high school has these guys).
From what I can tell, they know as much about the responsibility and emotional strain that comes with having an intimate relationship with another person as I know about open heart surgery. Basically, anyone who calls it boning, laying pipe, banging, smackin’ it, hittin’ it or “pounding vaj” is probably not an option.
2. Forbid it. This approach will likely guran-freakin-tee you that before nightfall your 14 year old will be dropping it like it’s hot under the bleachers for some random classmate whose last name she may or may not even recall. Kids have a strange habit of getting super interested in all the crap you don’t want them to do, so your best bet would be to have an open conversation about the issue and not go getting all crazy forbiddy and stuff. Crazy forbiddy rarely gets the results you want. Maybe temporarily, you know, until they figure out how to get the nails outta their window and the boot off their car. But then, when they finally get some freedom (aka go to college) they are the chicks pole dancing in the campus pub and showing their bajangas on those Girls Gone Buck-Raving-Nasty-Ho-Bag Wild shows. So make note: anything you forbid sounds to your kid like something exciting, awesome, and grown-up which makes it the exact thing they wanna do.
1. Avoid it. As in don’t bring it up ever and don’t encourage them to bring it up either. No matter how awkward, embarrassed, or silly you feel about it ,it’s better to have the lines of communication open than to shut them down completely. Because the
misinformation is out there. People willing to take advantage of their naiveté are out there. And, opportunities to explore are out there. They will find out what they want to know with out without your assistance. And being a member of the abstinence camp doesn’t get you off the hook; you still have to tell them what it is that they are NOT to do. So decide how you feel about it (do you want them to consider wearing one of those no-sex ring thingys?), think up what you wanna say about it (will you start with a joke, show them a video, get a pamphlet?), pick the right time (preferably before they graduate high school), and go for it. Because while having “The Talk” is uncomfortable and hard and possibly embarrassing for both of you, it’s nowhere near as embarrassing as finding out your 12 year old is knocked up or that your 14 year old son is gonna be a baby’s daddy by spring break.
Still need help doing the right thing?
Check out the Midwest Teen Sex Show. It’s hosted by a mom of three boys who has had some pretty interesting experiences. It’s not what you would call sex ed, but it’s certainly informative and funny. And, you all know how I feel about funny.
For a more educational look at sex education, try Puberty from Head to Toe. It’s written by a current health/sex-ed teacher and I’m telling you, I had to Google some of the words she uses, you know just to be certain, for like research purposes or like, something.
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