RanDumb-Holiday Edition, Vol. 1

If you haven't been here before, RanDumb is my way of combining my desire to point out that I'm not the only dummy on the planet (yes, my confidence requires such), and Mrs. 444's famous Friday Fragments.

So, don't be alarmed if the elements of this post have only one thing in common...dumbness. Hence the name RanDumb (Random and Dumb smashed together in a catchy sounding way to create one super cool word to encompass both of those things, you know, like Benifer, or Spidey, or Brangelina, or...do you want me to keep going with this?).

Let's talk toys.

Dumb Mom talks toys real good (please tell me you've seen Meet the Parents!).

Assassin Elmo: Coming Soon to a Store Near You

Just watch the video!



Hilarious, right?!

Hubby and I were lamenting the fact that, due to our current loathing of Elmo's voice, we didn't get one of these happy little monsters for #3.

Not because we wanted Mr. Lalalala to issue a death threat against out child, but because we wanted to program all kinds of funny names into him so that he can put out hits on them.

How funny would it be if he said something like kill assface?

Very.

Very funny.

While Elmo is pretty much all talk on the trying-to-off-your-kid front(even though it feels like you're gonna die when you're stuck in the house listening to his annoyingly high pitched voice for hours on end), there is a frighteningly long list of toys that really could end your bundle of joy. Luckily, most of the most fatal offenders have been removed from the market and banned in all fifty states.

Assassin toys were more popular in the past; we saw numerous Pinto-like product recalls in my generation, including Lawn Darts (aka Jarts) and Snacktime Cabbage Patch Dolls.


But, don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-end-you playthings are still around. Check the CPSC's site to see if any of the items on your little one's Xmas wish list are here.

Personally, I'd like a heads up if there is a chance that my child will be impaled, strangled, poisoned, choked, blown up, or hideously burned courtesy of Mr. Claus.

Speaking of fat guys...

Jared got fat

But, so did I, so I'm not trying to point any fingers.

Okay, maybe just one.

All I'm saying is, if I were a professional skinny person, meaning my only job in life is to be thin, and someone was paying me serious bank to do so, you better believe I would stay that way.

I might have to resort to puking my guts out on the regular extreme measures to do so, but there's no way I'd have some lone paparazzi catching me and my belly getting dangerously close to pulling out the fat pants.

Uh. Uh.

And, in the spirit of Christmas...

A zoo in Illinois recently began selling reindeer poop jewelry.

What the deuce?!

May seem a little icktastic to you and me, but apparently, people actually buy it.

The good thing is that doing so supports the animals and the zoo and conservation and other well intentioned crap (pun so completely intended) like that. The zoo even stated that they stand to make more than $16,000 bucks on these (and the similarly constructed ornaments) this year.

So, while this bright idea (can you just see the zoo corporate guy who came up with this..."Hey Jim... I got it! We'll sell sh**! Reindeer sh**! During the holidays! People will love it!") may not be entirely dumb it is definitely disgusting and a special kinda creepy.

So, if you were thinking about getting me a gift for the holidays you have a pretty good idea of what not to get: 1) The Psycho-Mass-Murdering-I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Sucka Talking Elmo doll (although, I would probably enjoy the novelty of this little item), 2)Something NOT designed to maim, burn, lacerate, strangle, choke, impale, decapitate, or otherwise end me, or 3)Something NOT made out of the fecal remnants of four legged mammals known for their fictional participation in fictional stories.

Here's an idea of what I would like to have: Effed up photos of your kids (or your dog, or yourself) attempting to make pretty for a holiday photo, but failing miserably.

Possibly something like this...



Involving a hideously behaved dog (STOP EATING THE COSTUME YOU FOOL!) and a coupla clueless dog whisperers...



You know, so I can enter them in my First Annual Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest.

I just figure that now that Supah Mommy, winner of the world famous Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest, has submitted her entry, you might want a heads up to GET ON THE BALL PEOPLE!

Consider the competition officially ON!

P.S. Mama B is the official winner of my Cheerios and Books giveaway! Go congratulate her!