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Friday, December 4, 2009

RanDumb-Holiday Edition, Vol. 1

If you haven't been here before, RanDumb is my way of combining my desire to point out that I'm not the only dummy on the planet (yes, my confidence requires such), and Mrs. 444's famous Friday Fragments.

So, don't be alarmed if the elements of this post have only one thing in common...dumbness. Hence the name RanDumb (Random and Dumb smashed together in a catchy sounding way to create one super cool word to encompass both of those things, you know, like Benifer, or Spidey, or Brangelina, you want me to keep going with this?).

Let's talk toys.

Dumb Mom talks toys real good (please tell me you've seen Meet the Parents!).

Assassin Elmo: Coming Soon to a Store Near You

Just watch the video!

Hilarious, right?!

Hubby and I were lamenting the fact that, due to our current loathing of Elmo's voice, we didn't get one of these happy little monsters for #3.

Not because we wanted Mr. Lalalala to issue a death threat against out child, but because we wanted to program all kinds of funny names into him so that he can put out hits on them.

How funny would it be if he said something like kill assface?


Very funny.

While Elmo is pretty much all talk on the trying-to-off-your-kid front(even though it feels like you're gonna die when you're stuck in the house listening to his annoyingly high pitched voice for hours on end), there is a frighteningly long list of toys that really could end your bundle of joy. Luckily, most of the most fatal offenders have been removed from the market and banned in all fifty states.

Assassin toys were more popular in the past; we saw numerous Pinto-like product recalls in my generation, including Lawn Darts (aka Jarts) and Snacktime Cabbage Patch Dolls.

But, don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-end-you playthings are still around. Check the CPSC's site to see if any of the items on your little one's Xmas wish list are here.

Personally, I'd like a heads up if there is a chance that my child will be impaled, strangled, poisoned, choked, blown up, or hideously burned courtesy of Mr. Claus.

Speaking of fat guys...

Jared got fat

But, so did I, so I'm not trying to point any fingers.

Okay, maybe just one.

All I'm saying is, if I were a professional skinny person, meaning my only job in life is to be thin, and someone was paying me serious bank to do so, you better believe I would stay that way.

I might have to resort to puking my guts out on the regular extreme measures to do so, but there's no way I'd have some lone paparazzi catching me and my belly getting dangerously close to pulling out the fat pants.

Uh. Uh.

And, in the spirit of Christmas...

A zoo in Illinois recently began selling reindeer poop jewelry.

What the deuce?!

May seem a little icktastic to you and me, but apparently, people actually buy it.

The good thing is that doing so supports the animals and the zoo and conservation and other well intentioned crap (pun so completely intended) like that. The zoo even stated that they stand to make more than $16,000 bucks on these (and the similarly constructed ornaments) this year.

So, while this bright idea (can you just see the zoo corporate guy who came up with this..."Hey Jim... I got it! We'll sell sh**! Reindeer sh**! During the holidays! People will love it!") may not be entirely dumb it is definitely disgusting and a special kinda creepy.

So, if you were thinking about getting me a gift for the holidays you have a pretty good idea of what not to get: 1) The Psycho-Mass-Murdering-I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Sucka Talking Elmo doll (although, I would probably enjoy the novelty of this little item), 2)Something NOT designed to maim, burn, lacerate, strangle, choke, impale, decapitate, or otherwise end me, or 3)Something NOT made out of the fecal remnants of four legged mammals known for their fictional participation in fictional stories.

Here's an idea of what I would like to have: Effed up photos of your kids (or your dog, or yourself) attempting to make pretty for a holiday photo, but failing miserably.

Possibly something like this...

Involving a hideously behaved dog (STOP EATING THE COSTUME YOU FOOL!) and a coupla clueless dog whisperers...

You know, so I can enter them in my First Annual Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest.

I just figure that now that Supah Mommy, winner of the world famous Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest, has submitted her entry, you might want a heads up to GET ON THE BALL PEOPLE!

Consider the competition officially ON!

P.S. Mama B is the official winner of my Cheerios and Books giveaway! Go congratulate her!


M. Sindy Felin said...

It just occured to me that attempting to take x-mas pics to enter into your contest might be the surest way to actually get a decent picture of my munchkins. Because what are the chances that they will (mis)behave as usual when they see a camera so I can win a contest? I'm thinking nil. Oh, this is just brilliant. Brilliant, I tell you!

singedwingangel said...

Ok I am so with you on the Elmo thing, luckily not one of my kids ever got into the elmo kick ( says a silent prayer of thanks) and as a mother of boys I can tell you that even toys not designed to maim, strangle, choke, mutilate etc. can absolutely be turned into those things in the hands of aforementioned children..

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

That Elmo is freaky... I wonder if Princess Nagger's 'Dora Knows Your Name' doll will turn psycho when I change the batteries? I think I'll have to test it out... ;)

Your photo contest sounds like fun - I'm with M. Sindy Felin, I'm guessing that if I have that in mind while taking pictures of Princess Nagger today or tomorrow in front of the Christmas tree for our Christmas cards, they'll probably turn out perfect for the first time. If not, I'll definitely send in an entry! ;)

Enjoy your weekend! :)

Evonne said...

Reindeer poop? Seriously? What won't people buy anymore?!?

I have a picture somewhere in my computer of Elmo tied up with duct tape. That pretty much describes my feeling about Elmo. My daughter had 3 different talking Elmo things and I did a dance of joy when they all stopped working!

Working Mommy said...

I think I'm just going to give the babe a box this seems kids love the things that don't cost anything - like the box their new toy just came it. So, the man and I will buy ourselves a 55 inch TV - and the babe can have the box!! That is our way of recycling :)


our b life said...

Ok you had me at, reindeer poop jewelery.

glitterbygrammie said...

It sounds like you ladies need a guiding hand when it comes to battery operated toys. You let them go the first day(grin and bare it)then while the little wonders are asleep you take the batteries out.When they wake, you tell them oh you must of left it on and the batteries are dead. When we go to the store we will have to get more. I don't know about you but I am very forgetful.

4 Lettre Words said...

If I had a dog, he would eat his costume, too! And, you are not fat.

P.S. I gave you some bloggy love in my Fragmented post. Check it out. You can thank me later. :o)

Anonymous said...

You made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

Jennifer said...

So you seriously don't want ot wear reindeer poop on your earrings? What's wrong with you?


One Cluttered Brain said...

reindeer poo? Who would have thunk?

And that Elmo is hilarious..."kill james"

Or what if Elmo said "You are a dumba**!"

Crazy talking toys..

I took pics of my kids yesterday..When does it end again DEc 6th? i think i have enuf time to get something into U...I hope...

SupahMommy said...


cuz you all don't want none of this.


just kidding. I m a good sport.. * ha ha nervous lie laugh

Chief said...

I was wondering if someone can send me some reindeer sh!t bangle earrings. or hopefully they have sh!t nipple rings. I really gotta have some of that.!

I remember having the elmo and one night it started malfunctioning and talking on its own. It was 2 am and Duke jumped out of bed and started hunting down the intruder only to find Elmo jabbering away. He is in the county landfill

PS back off my contest. Im gonna win. anyone who posts their enormous ass pooping candy canes on the internet should win something...

Sarah said...

Hi! I'm sure you get lots of these, but I have an award for you over at my blog. Because I think your blog is "lovely! It should be up there soon. Stop by to pick it up!

KK said...

Oh, I'd love to program one to say all the things I can't! Gotta love Elmo!

Kirby3131 said...

I've seen elephant dung products being sold and I think it's kind of icky - yet I have purchased bags of cow manure LOL

Jared got fat - bummer.

The christmas photos are hysterical - I love it.

Kristin - The Goat

carol said...

Your Elmo comment made me want to share how much the fifty bucks I spent on this silly toy was appreciated. "I don't want it" says my two year old.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I still have time to negotiate the release of photos from Vista.
And that reindeer necklace is scary.

Mrs4444 said...

What makes me mad about Jerad is that guys lose weight so easily; all he'd have to do is give up his snack at night and he'd probably drop that gut. It's not fair!

I love Elmo, either way. So funny.

Reindeer poo jewelry? That's pure genius. Wish I'd thought of it. I wonder if anyone would buy Teacher Poop necklaces?

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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