RanDumb (re)View

Oh I just love looking back over the week and sharing all of the ranDumbness* with you guys.

And, this was a busy week.

So let’s jump right in!

This guy brought the mullet back on American Idol…

#3 is gonna be so happy to hear that he’s not the only one rockin’ a mullet like he means it.

Sadly since the AI Afro wearing rep (aka Tyler Grady) was voted off last night, #2 has little hope of getting his style brought back to trendy.

In Bachelor news, Rozlyn cheating-hussy-extraordinaire made an appearance on the famed Women Tell All episode to look like a complete douche-bag-liar-pants clear her name.

She denied everything, saying that she absolutely did not have an inappropriate relationship with a show producer. And, the fact that they are still seeing each other is really no evidence that she did.

Yeahright.

Not sure why she doesn’t just admit they hooked up because Jake is gay just not her type. I think we’d all understand it and based on her personality we wouldn’t even find it all that surprising.

Honestly, I don’t even care. My opinion is that at least 68% of Bachelor hopefuls are fame seeking tramps. Sometimes they make it pretty far on the show…

Sometimes they don’t.

But really, who even cares? Point is that we have generally low expectations for the moral character of the Bachelor contestants. We expect you to be trashy, conniving, and strategic. That’s why we watch. If all of you were rainbow-pooping-Disney-wannabes like Tenley the show would be pretty boring.

So, be my guest, ho it up Roz, just be honest about it.

Whores I’m fine with.

Liars?

Not so much.

Anyway.

Let’s talk about The View.

I warned you last week that this was gonna be happening and if you didn’t heed those warnings and watch this week so that we could have a meaningful discussion that’s your bad.**

Just shut it and listen.

I’m 100% okay with that, especially because my girl Kerri is here this week to weigh in on the two most controversial guests of the week.

The Octomom and The Situation.

Well, The Situation was accompanied by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore, but personally, I think some of the other characters are, as Simon Cowel likes to say, forgettable.

Not Snooki, of course, but some of the others.

But.

Let me just to remind you how this Blab Fest works, Kerri or I come up with the questions to ask to each other and then we both share our thoughts. You are welcome to get involved if you want (and by get involved I mean LEAVE COMMENTS!).

Let’s start with the baby making monster.

1. Nadya Suleman. Delusional and in denial? She said it, so what do you think?

Dumb Mom: Uh, yeah. Delusional, in denial, and stone cold crazy in a I’m-sorta-doing-this-on-purpose-to-make-people-watch-my-train-wreck-of-a-life-so-I-can-get-PAID way. I can’t even begin to go into detail about what she does/did or what her points were on the show because honestly I can’t get over her attire.

If she is gonna keep up these appearances (although haven’t we all had enough already? This is the longest 15 minutes ever!) she should drop one of her 3 nannies and hire a stylist.

Cause, she looked ridiculous.

I know she’s all proud of her body (bold faced lying when she said she wasn’t trying to get back into a bikini) because it has turned into her money maker, literally. But really, ew?

That’s the best you could do for Whoopi, and Joy, and Sherry, and the other chick?

With black tights no less?!

Shame! Shame!

Shame on you Quattuordecimom (I know Octomom sounds better, but this whole situation is compounded by the six kids she already had so we can’t leave them out) for insulting us by saying you weren’t even trying to get bikini-body and for assaulting us with that hideous dress.

Seriously, disappear already, kay?!

And, in the name of all that is holy, don’t have any more kids!

Kerri: Nadya Suleman- IS COO COO for COCO Puffs!!! This lady needs a psych evaluation PRONTO!!! I hope she’s not being left alone with her children for long periods of time because she looks like one of those moms who’d snap on their kids. And her laugh OMFG – STOP IT PLEASE!!! This interview was extremely entertaining, I mean I laughed the whole dang time she was on the screen but I rolled my eyes SOO many times at her ridiculous claims. She needs to quit lying and saying she didn’t get surgery for her current body. GUUURRRRLLL!!! U a lie cause there’s NO way your skin stretched SOOO much with those 8 babies and you have NO left over skin after giving birth. Please!!! GTFOH! Bottom line, girl, get some mental help cause you’re just sick in the head.

And, for the reality superstars of the moment.

2. Jersey Shore. Love it or hate it?

Dumb Mom: Gotta be honest when I say that I don’t actually watch the show (I know, surprise, there are some raunchy MTV programs I don’t watch), but I have seen it. And I woulda watched it but I kept forgetting to.

Anyway, point is, I don’t see what’s so wrong about it.

I know Joy was all peeved because they aren’t really Italian (which should make her happy actually because do you really want to have to claim them?).

And, I know Whoopi’s beef was that they should be more responsible with their cash or whatever because their 15 minutes will be up soon (which if Octodork is any indication, that’s not entirely true).

But honestly, again, who even cares?

They are smutty acting people filling a spot in entertainment. I don’t care if they grow up to be smart or have good jobs or any of that crap. Call me a selfish loser, but I just don’t care what they do after the show because I’m in it for the joy of watching other people suck.

And yes, watching other people suck is sorta one of my hobbies.

So shoot me. Or punch me in the face next time you see me at the bar.

Whatever.

All I want is a fancy name and then The Jersey Shore people can disappear forever. Or not.

Because if The View chicks get to have them (Whoopi-"The Administration.” Joy-"The Assumption.” Elisabeth-“The Attraction.” Sherri-"The Duplication.”) then I want one too.

They can call me “The Addiction”, because people just can’t get enough of me (insert maniacal Nadya Suleman laugh)!

Point is I don’t love them personally, but I do love that they exist for my trash-TV-viewing pleasure!

Kerry: Honestly these people make me lose brain cells whenever I watch them or hear them speak but for some reason, I CANNOT avoid the train wreck I see coming. I personally think “The Situation” and Snooki are hilarious. Whatever world they’re living in, I wanna be a citizen because their ideals on life is SOOOO twisted. I loved the names “The Situation” gave to the ladies though. Was it me or did Snooki shake her head NO when Joy asked if they were all using condoms? Ahhhh Snooki, Snooki, Snooki – Umm, the camera should’ve zoomed in on her cause that’s just NASTY. If she did indeed say no, that’s a dumb move. Girl, lie dang it, don’t make yourself look worse than you’re already acting.

See all of the crazy excitement you missed this week on The View?

Seriously, watch it.

And, I know you probably don’t have time to watch it in the middle of the day when you are focusing on whether or not your potty training Baby P.I.M.P is droppin’ it like it’s hot in the corner of your living room other stuff, but you can TiVo it, or if you are the last person on the planet to not have TiVo, you could watch it online. Obviously you have Internet access.

So join us for more trash talkin’ fun on next week’s Blab Fest.

*Also joining Mrs. 4444s @ Half Past Kissin' Time for another week of Friday Fragments!

**Forgot to mention last week that I’m getting some free tote bag that I probably won’t even carry for sharing my intellectual insights on The View. Please note that a free bag is not enough to coerce me into saying sweet things about them so when I get fed up with their arguing, or when Elizabeth pisses me off, I’ll tell you. Provided I didn’t fast forward over that part. Now, if they wanted to have me on the show I might be more inclined to beef up my posts with pleasantries, you know ‘cause I only talk crap about people behind their backs and have no intentions of going to blows with Sherry on the air (or off the air for that matter). Unless there was cash involved and then, put your damn dukes up Sherry! I’m a huge fan of using bribery to get what you want.

Wanna share your The View posts for the week? Link away...

RanDumb: Ruh-roh Edition

Everything at Casa de Dummies is all topsy turvy at the moment.

School remained canceled for most of the week (#1 finally returned for a half day yesterday, and #2’s first day back is today).

Which means that my children have been in my presence, without much outside peer type interaction, since February 5th.

I think it’s safe to say at this point that school is no longer a necessity.

It’s like summer break (minus the glorious sunshine and warm temperatures) over here.

Summer break which I look forward to with dread every year.

Because it’s exhausting.

Trying to find activities for The Dudes, trying to prepare for the transition to everyone being home, getting my mind right for the impending crap storm of crazy.

And I never overestimate the intensity of the switch; it’s pretty much always just as challenging for them to adjust to the new schedule as I imagined it would be.

But, the good thing about it is that it really only lasts about 10 days.

10 days of pure, unadulterated-sibling-rivalry Hell.

And then…

Awwwwwwe-someness.

A few blips, a random bludgeoning disagreement over a new toy or something petty, from time to time.

But, for the most part, after the first ten days has passed, we’ve all adjusted to our new normal and we can’t even begin to imagine a different life.

A school filled life.

We start to wish that summer post-SNOWpacalypse break could go on forever.

Well. That’s where we are now.

In the period of awesomeness.

No after school activates to rush to. No dinner in the backseat of the car. No butt-crack-o-dawn Saturday morning practices. No seriously-buddy-put-your-shoes-on-did-you-brush-your-teeth?-RUN!-the-bus-is-there-hustle-‘cause-I’m-SO-not-driving-you morning scramble. No lunch/homework/juice-boxes-for-the-class-party to forget.

Just maxin' and relaxin’ (forgive me, but it still is officially 90s week!).

Everybody relatively happy, mostly getting along.

Like this…

So, as the kids are called back to school and chaos temporarily ensues let’s discuss (and by discuss I mean I talk, you listen) some RanDumb things that are making me say Ruh-roh, Scooby-Doo style, this week.

1. Ruh-roh! Today is the last day of the Fugly Face Photo Contest and it’s shaping up to be a race to the fugly finish! Better get your votes in while you still can.

2. Ruh-roh! This week I have to get all dolled up for a fancy launch party (a little shin-dig I’m attending courtesy of Weddzilla since, in case you didn’t already know, I’m a somewhat reluctant but sorta awesome* wedding photographer in my real life). I’m all nervous because I NEVER get dressed up. Ever. Seriously. The last time I even shaved my legs was in October for SITScation and I only did that ‘cause I didn’t want Mama Kat, or Angie, or Tiff and Heather to try to make out with me spot my hairy dude legs and ostracize me from the blogging world for life. I pretty much only shave between the months of April and September, so this is HUGE! Even huger (is that a word?) is the fact that the dress is short and…STRAPLESS! So not my normal get up. It will be the very first time in my 30-something years of life that I will be donning a strapless dress. I’ll consider posting a picture after the fact, but the jury is still out on that one. Depends on how much Photoshopping I can do things come together.

3. Ruh-roh! I’ve got myself another new gig. Not really a gig as in geez-another-thing-I-have-to-do-that-I’m-gonna-wait-until-the-last-possible-second-to-complete-because-I’m-wasting-time-watching-Teen-Mom-reruns-The-Bachelor-instead gig. It’s more a gig-I-actually-like-but-am-afraid-will-take-over-my-life-if-I-let-it type gig. So what is it?

Thanks for asking!

Yep, a The View brand ambassador.**

Can I get a WOOT?! Kidding. Seriously. Kidding about the woot business (you all should know by now how I loathe the use of the word woot), but I’d probably be okay with an Arsenio-Hall-bark-and-arm-wave (90s, remember?!) if you’d like to mark my participation with a celebratory gesture of some sort!

I’m guessing that a number of new visitors will be making their way to Casa de Dummies this week thanks to my participation in this little campaign and the easiest way for you potential stalkers newbies to get to know me is for me to share with you which The View host I’m most like.

I know, you’re probably thinking, Whoppie, or maybe Terry (because they are funny too?), but you know what, you’re wrong.

I’m most like Joy Behar.

The middle aged, Italian red head with the bumpy tummy?!

Yeah, that’s me.

We have TONS in common.

For example, she is “among today's leading comic talents”. Me too.

She is “a comedic original”. Check. So. Am. I.

Joy (I think I can call her that) started out as a teacher. As did I.

She then began a professional career in comedy. My comedy career is well developed as well being that I perform nightly for a noisy, rambunctious, overly packed house.

I know I’m not getting much critical acclaim at the moment, but I’d like to argue that this is mostly because The Dudes and Dumb Dad just don’t have good senses of humor. They really just don’t know what’s funny. I need to take this show on the road I think. I mean, anyone can win a MAC Award, right?

I’m just waiting for my big break, you know.

I think what it is is that I’m sorta like the Megan Fox of comedy.

She’s “too beautiful” to get certain roles. And, I’m too funny to get my own radio show (like Joy did), my own cable series (like Joy had), or my own talk show (like Joy shares with those other 4 chicks).

I need a break.

That’s all.

Like, if they brought me on the show, and let me host one day, I’d wear my strapless number, they’d fall in love, I could take Barbara’s spot since she’s probably scheduled to retire soon at least be like a recurring guest host.

It’s as ranDumb as it is likely, but I’m telling you it could work.

I have it all worked out.

I could be like The View version of Tosh.0.

Just introduce a ranDumb funny video and then commentate on it, like this…

Honestly that made me laugh so hard I can’t even bother to commentate (this isn’t boding well for my future on The View, is it?).

Guess what Dumb Dad’s getting for Father’s Day (please say you guessed a buttered floor)!

Anyway, off to pick out a pair of earrings to wear with my strapless dress for my big debut on The View (because it is SO gonna happen by invite, by contest winning, or by crashing into the studio and streaking across stage with my black-version-of-Joy-Behar-body a flappin’)!

Or. I could beg.

Please believe me when I say that I am SO not above begging (or graveling, or being your gopher, or licking your toes, okay licking toes is a bit much for my sensitive stomach and unreasonable aversion to feet, but I’ll totally get you coffee and doughnuts and stuff).

Please don’t make me into that begging chick from this week’s American Idol.

I’m begging you.

Or. I could blackmail you.

Don’t test me, Whoopi. I have a history.

Have a The View host that you are most like?

Want to listen to me ramble talk more about The View?

Then you should head over to It’s Kerry’s World where we are having a huge The View Blab Fest today.

And, you should also go check out The View site so you can catch up on what’s happening on the show, otherwise next Friday will be a whole lotta me talking and you listening again (which I’m totally fine with, by the way) and as much as I enjoy talking to myself it would be even more fun to have you join me.