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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Women Tell All, Like Always

23 down, 1 to go.

We are at that point in the show when abc airs the infamous “Women Tell All” episode in which the kicked-to-the-curb bachelorettes get together to talk crap about each other, the bachelor himself, the show, Chris Harrison, the network, and the hard reality TV show lives they live.

It’s the goosipy-backstabbing-evil-thy-name-is-Rozlyn episode that makes me kinda embarrassed to be a chick.

It’s sorta like when I see stuff like this and I get a little embarrassed to be black American.

It’s great, though because you get to see them getting all gangsta-psycho-mean-girl on each other and sadly, when such haterade is not being poured on me, I’m pretty much okay with it in a oh-know-she-didn’t sorta way.

My least favorite part of this episode every season is the time they spend on showing previous bachelor/bachelorette’s.  I hate seeing them looking all happy on their stupid singles cruises.  Making out and getting drunk and wearing bikinis and muscly ab-topped swim trunks.

You’re single and you’re supposed to be sad and desperate and lonely (that’s why you go on the Bachelor, right?  ‘Cause your a love reject and you can’t take it anymore?).

And, I don’t care to see them acting all altruistic and charitable and crap. 

Makes it harder to hate them.

Anyway.  Enough of the Bachelor rejects.

How about I recap the most surprising amazing emotional shocking bachelorettes in Bachelor history for ya’?

You know you want it!

On the Wings of the Five Most Memorable Bachelor Rejects of Season 14 (in random order)

Elizabeth (from Nebraska).  I swear, everyone (except for me) who says dumb stuff should have a camera following them around so they could replay the tapes of their life and boo themselves.  I like her 10 times more than I did (which was pretty much not at all) on the show because she was able to do that.

Michelle.  ‘Memeber her?  The emotionally imbalanced stalker chick from Crazy Town California?  Yeah, how could you forget?!  She came off as a complete nut-bag on the show.  Crying.  Maniacal laughing.  Absurd claims and irrational statements.  All kinds of things that would make someone creepy.  But, I have to say that she pulled herself together a bit for this show.  She seemed a little standoffish and socially awkward, but you know, not entirely crazy.  I mean, at least she didn’t cry.  But, you can’t come back from that.  I don’t care what her newly-hired-PR-dude says, once a nutter, always a nutter that’s what I like to say.

Ali.  The fan favorite from the start.  Cute, girl-next-doorish-type-except-for-when-she-was-hating-on-Vienna.  She left The Bachelor for her job, but she’s made a vow to love as hard as she works.  Or something like that.  And, to make people love her for reals she made a point of apologizing to Vienna, saying that she would change things if she could, and using her pouty mouth when talking with Jake.  I’m not falling for it.  She’s awight or whatever, but after all of the Mean Girl she unleashed in the house I can’t buy the whole America’s sweetheart deal.  I’d kick it with her, ‘cause she reminds me of someone I know (and you know who you are!), but I can’t get on the Ali-is-awesome bandwagon.  I sorta hate wagons anyway.  Unless it’s the Dumb-Mom-is-awesome bandwagon and then I’m all for it!

Ashleigh.  They barely showed her on this episode but I have decided that I could hang with this chick too.  She gets inappropriately drunk, she says off the cuff things, and she flips the bird.  People just don’t flip the bird like they used to and I kinda miss it.

Rozlyn.  Oh Rozlyn.  She was asking for it, right?  Chris (the host for all of you nonwatchers) and all of the other castoffs said that she was a trampy-whore liar and that she was caught, on more than one occasion, dangerously close to bumpin uglies with “the producer”.  She said something about unicorns and magicians?!   She was so obviously lying because people who lie always try to make outlandish accusations (like that Chris Harrison tried to hook up with “the producer’s” wife*) to make the people telling the truth look like they are the liars.  I just love that she actually thought that she could come on the show, act all morally outraged and indignant, and America would look into her big bajongas eyes and believe in her.  Yeahno.

And now for the finalists.

Tenley, animated-Disney-princess formerly known as the missus-to-a-cheating-cop, and Vienna, backwoods-Florida-bayou-spoiled-brat formerly known as the missus-to-some-random-dude-she-married-in-a-drunken-stupor-briefly-to-spite-her-daddy.  These two are on opposite ends of the spectrum and it causes confusion.  It’s as though Jake has set it up so that it wouldn’t be strange for him to pass on both of these chicks.  They are such polar opposites that it’s hard to imagine that he’s really in love with either of them.  It’s not hard to imagine that the speculation is true.  That Jake really is gay.

jake gay

He effing better not be gay.

Not because I have anything against the gays.**

I’m fine with the gays.  As a matter of fact I love the gays. 

They have excellent style sense, and they are funny, and a bunch of other stereotypical stuff.

But Jake better not be gay.

Because I didn’t just watch an entire season of a show designed to help him find the WOMAN of his dreams and all along he was jockin' Chris Harrison.

In the words of everyone’s favorite former crack head, Whitney Houston…Hell-to-the-no!


*I’m not saying the claim isn’t true.  I have absolutely no inside info on who Chris Harrison is or is not attempting to hook up with.  I’m saying that even bringing it up makes her look guilty.  I mean, I happen to know that two married people I know are having an affair with each other, but there is no way I’m gonna bring it up next time one of them asks me if I paid my credit card bill on time this month.  You just don’t do that.  Especially not if you aren’t lying!

**This term was coined by an elderly member of my family whose face I laughed out loud in when I heard it.  I can’t stop using it now because it’s so unbelievably bad that it’s sorta funny.


Shell said...

I only made it through the first hour. I think Ali is just campaigning to be the next Bachelorette.

Wendy said...

omg..."jockin' on chris harrison" i'm dying!!
i'm just over this season. don't like robot jake. don't like the final two girls. won't watch if ali gets picked to be the bachelorette. ugh, gag.

Kerry said...

I HATED watching all the previous guys and gals from past seasons on this episode. I think it's just retarded of ABC to torture us with that crap. We're supposed to be watching about Jake anyway.

LOVED this episode because it brought SOOO much drama. I don't even think they needed to have Jake there because he was boring compared to the rest of the show.

parentingBYdummies said...

Shell & Kerry-I'm over this whole make-the-most-popular-person-from-last-season-the-star-this-season ploy that abc uses toget more viewers. I'd like some fresh Bachelor/Bachelorette meat myself. I'm done seeing Ali wear yellow and I don't want to see her poke out her lips and talk like a toddler anymore. They should have an older Bachelorette, someone who is like 30. They could market it as finding love for a "mature" woman. 'Cause these 23 year olds on this season have just spoiled it for me.

Wendy-The problem with Jake I think, is that he is boring. He has a seemingly exciting life, but he's a boring dude. You know, personality wise. I'd just as soon watch paint dry.

confused homemaker said...

Oh, I am guessing you wouldn't be the only person feeling like they were used if it turned out that it was the wrong type of bachelor show;)

Mayhem and Moxie said...

My favorite part of this post? When you talk about the "gays." Had me busting up laughing.

PS: Are you going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Baltimore? Hoping to see you there!

Maggie S said...

I had to turn it off. I felt like an idiot listening to all that "Bachelor gives back" trash. Really? Save the money from the Cruise and the wardrobe for, yet another, vacation and send it to an organization that isn't going to show your picture?

Ali is the perfect illustration of 'Beauty is only skin deep'. She is a good business woman though...

My husband is fascinated by the duality Jake displays. Every episode he says at some point,"Jake is a fraud."

I agree they should select a grown woman as the Bachelorette and see if that makes for good TV.

Jennifer said...

We watched the Olympics. It was awesome. Although I'm totally over all the special interest he has a brother that is mentally handicapped stories. We get it. Just show the freakin' sports.

Kmama said...

You did not link to that leprechaun story!! OMG! I saw that on YouTube around Christmas and laughed my ass off, several times. Ahh, too funny!!

I love your recaps. I totally don't have to watch the show!

4 Lettre Words said...

Not into the reality TV....HOWEVER...I had a boyfriend from hell! I was 17.

parentingBYdummies said...

Maggie-I'm fascinated by the fact that your husband watches it with you! Dumb Dad is banned. I can't listen to people cracking jokes on my show every 3 seconds.

Jennifer-Me. Too. I get so sick of all of the filler stories. Grew up in a barn in Mexico. Has a 3 legged dog. Looks like Harry Potter. Can he skate fast? Does he suck at skiing? That's all we need to know!

Kmama-Oh yes I did!

4 Lettre- Well, then what on earth do you watch?!

Kiki said...

great post and thanks for the bachelor recaps. i only tuned in for a bit of one episode, the one where jake and vienna go to the "fantasy suite." i took one look at that vienna and picked her to be the winner, i mean, love of jake's life. i think it's in their contracts with ABC. viewers tuning in each week to watch the diva drama, and in shock that he keeps giving her the rose since she's ugly = ratings bonanza. i know this is a post about the bachelor, but what did you think of Kourtney/Scott's story? i'm curious about the rumor the baby is not his. take care.

Anonymous said...

See, without you, I have no idea what happened Monday night. Though we had it on for a little while because my dad was regaling me with stories of old.

Maggie S said...

Just to clarify, my husband wants me to state for the record that he is not watching. He is in the room doing other things(watching a basket ball game on the computer).

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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