Women Tell All, Like Always

23 down, 1 to go.

We are at that point in the show when abc airs the infamous “Women Tell All” episode in which the kicked-to-the-curb bachelorettes get together to talk crap about each other, the bachelor himself, the show, Chris Harrison, the network, and the hard reality TV show lives they live.

It’s the goosipy-backstabbing-evil-thy-name-is-Rozlyn episode that makes me kinda embarrassed to be a chick.

It’s sorta like when I see stuff like this and I get a little embarrassed to be black American.

It’s great, though because you get to see them getting all gangsta-psycho-mean-girl on each other and sadly, when such haterade is not being poured on me, I’m pretty much okay with it in a oh-know-she-didn’t sorta way.

My least favorite part of this episode every season is the time they spend on showing previous bachelor/bachelorette’s.  I hate seeing them looking all happy on their stupid singles cruises.  Making out and getting drunk and wearing bikinis and muscly ab-topped swim trunks.

You’re single and you’re supposed to be sad and desperate and lonely (that’s why you go on the Bachelor, right?  ‘Cause your a love reject and you can’t take it anymore?).

And, I don’t care to see them acting all altruistic and charitable and crap. 

Makes it harder to hate them.

Anyway.  Enough of the Bachelor rejects.

How about I recap the most surprising amazing emotional shocking bachelorettes in Bachelor history for ya’?

You know you want it!

On the Wings of the Five Most Memorable Bachelor Rejects of Season 14 (in random order)

Elizabeth (from Nebraska).  I swear, everyone (except for me) who says dumb stuff should have a camera following them around so they could replay the tapes of their life and boo themselves.  I like her 10 times more than I did (which was pretty much not at all) on the show because she was able to do that.

Michelle.  ‘Memeber her?  The emotionally imbalanced stalker chick from Crazy Town California?  Yeah, how could you forget?!  She came off as a complete nut-bag on the show.  Crying.  Maniacal laughing.  Absurd claims and irrational statements.  All kinds of things that would make someone creepy.  But, I have to say that she pulled herself together a bit for this show.  She seemed a little standoffish and socially awkward, but you know, not entirely crazy.  I mean, at least she didn’t cry.  But, you can’t come back from that.  I don’t care what her newly-hired-PR-dude says, once a nutter, always a nutter that’s what I like to say.

Ali.  The fan favorite from the start.  Cute, girl-next-doorish-type-except-for-when-she-was-hating-on-Vienna.  She left The Bachelor for her job, but she’s made a vow to love as hard as she works.  Or something like that.  And, to make people love her for reals she made a point of apologizing to Vienna, saying that she would change things if she could, and using her pouty mouth when talking with Jake.  I’m not falling for it.  She’s awight or whatever, but after all of the Mean Girl she unleashed in the house I can’t buy the whole America’s sweetheart deal.  I’d kick it with her, ‘cause she reminds me of someone I know (and you know who you are!), but I can’t get on the Ali-is-awesome bandwagon.  I sorta hate wagons anyway.  Unless it’s the Dumb-Mom-is-awesome bandwagon and then I’m all for it!

Ashleigh.  They barely showed her on this episode but I have decided that I could hang with this chick too.  She gets inappropriately drunk, she says off the cuff things, and she flips the bird.  People just don’t flip the bird like they used to and I kinda miss it.

Rozlyn.  Oh Rozlyn.  She was asking for it, right?  Chris (the host for all of you nonwatchers) and all of the other castoffs said that she was a trampy-whore liar and that she was caught, on more than one occasion, dangerously close to bumpin uglies with “the producer”.  She said something about unicorns and magicians?!   She was so obviously lying because people who lie always try to make outlandish accusations (like that Chris Harrison tried to hook up with “the producer’s” wife*) to make the people telling the truth look like they are the liars.  I just love that she actually thought that she could come on the show, act all morally outraged and indignant, and America would look into her big bajongas eyes and believe in her.  Yeahno.

And now for the finalists.

Tenley, animated-Disney-princess formerly known as the missus-to-a-cheating-cop, and Vienna, backwoods-Florida-bayou-spoiled-brat formerly known as the missus-to-some-random-dude-she-married-in-a-drunken-stupor-briefly-to-spite-her-daddy.  These two are on opposite ends of the spectrum and it causes confusion.  It’s as though Jake has set it up so that it wouldn’t be strange for him to pass on both of these chicks.  They are such polar opposites that it’s hard to imagine that he’s really in love with either of them.  It’s not hard to imagine that the speculation is true.  That Jake really is gay.

He effing better not be gay.

Not because I have anything against the gays.**

I’m fine with the gays.  As a matter of fact I love the gays. 

They have excellent style sense, and they are funny, and a bunch of other stereotypical stuff.

But Jake better not be gay.

Because I didn’t just watch an entire season of a show designed to help him find the WOMAN of his dreams and all along he was jockin' Chris Harrison.

In the words of everyone’s favorite former crack head, Whitney Houston…Hell-to-the-no!

 

*I’m not saying the claim isn’t true.  I have absolutely no inside info on who Chris Harrison is or is not attempting to hook up with.  I’m saying that even bringing it up makes her look guilty.  I mean, I happen to know that two married people I know are having an affair with each other, but there is no way I’m gonna bring it up next time one of them asks me if I paid my credit card bill on time this month.  You just don’t do that.  Especially not if you aren’t lying!

**This term was coined by an elderly member of my family whose face I laughed out loud in when I heard it.  I can’t stop using it now because it’s so unbelievably bad that it’s sorta funny.