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Monday, February 1, 2010

Round the Way Girl: A Contest!

Today is an exciting day here at parenting BY dummies.

But, in an effort to stick to traditions and keep myself on a schedule, I’ve decided not to forgo Ask Me Monday (I know how much ya’ll love it!).

But, as I am, the creative director around this piece I have decided to change it up a wee little bit.

Not much, I swear, you’ll barely even notice.

But, instead of answering your direct questions, I’m going to answer the underlying one that has at some time crossed each and every one of your minds:

Who is Dumb Mom really?

Not my birth name or my married name. Those things are trivial (and not gonna be divulged unless you hunt me down which is a metaphor for GO TO THE SITS BLOGGY BOOT CAMP IN BALTIMORE WHERE I WILL BE NEXT MONTH).

What you want to know (don’t ask me how I know this, I just do) is who is the woman behind the pretty face? Who is the real Dumb Mom? What makes her tick and where did she come from anyway?

And, as poetry is sorta my thing nowadays, I’ve decided to answer your query with a poem of sorts (borrowed from a sexy star and reimagined, aka stolen mercilessly, to apply to me)…

I was a girl, no extensions just long hair,

wanted bamboo earrings, at least two pair.

A Fendi bag and a bad attitude,

was not my thing, I didn’t like to be rude.

I could walk with a switch, but I lacked in street slang.

Not quite a woman but I still did my thing.

Never at a bus stop, but loved me some lollipops

Once I got jumping* was hard to make this hottie stop.

I liked to dance to the rap jams.

I was sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams.

Honey coated complexion,

What the hell is Camay?

Let’s hear it for me ya’ll I’m from around the way.

Please tell me you recognize this little ditty.

Ladies Love Cool Jay?

Mama Said Knock You Out, circa 1990?

Hottest effing hip hop star to ever walk this earth (okay, tied for hottest with T.I. and only not second to JT because, well, JT is not really a hip hop artist even though he pretends to be from time to time)…

Is he even human?

Okay, if you are confused right now because you are some strange freak of nature whose 1990s music collection did not include LL Cool J just bear with me. There is a method to this madness.

As hot as Mr. Smith (that’s his boring real name) is, it is not his sexy that I’m meaning to call attention to in this post, but his significance to a time period that I can not forget: 1990 .

It was an awesome year. It jumped off an entire decade of unforgettable music, fashion styles, movies and television shows.

So many lovely things got their start in the 90s.

Great movies: Austin “Danger” Powers, Dumb and Dumber, Happy Gilmore, Steel Magnolias, Sleepless in Seattle, Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Boyz in da Hood, The Matrix, Jurassic-freakin’-Park. I mean I could go on for days about just the movies.

But there were tons of other cool things too!

Television shows sorta made names for themselves in the 90s. I know that’s when I became the serious television connoisseur that I am today.

I was hooked on stuff like Beverly Hills 90210 (the real one), Melrose Place (the one worth watching), Friends, Seinfeld (which I honestly didn’t start watching until I was in college and it started the reruns every night), The X-Files (which I only watched because I wanted to seem all deep and smart for Hubby who loved the stupid show), and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (back when Will Smith was funny).

And then there was the music, and the fashion, and O.J. (I’m talking about The Juice, not the juice), and the Internet, to which we owe our lives.

But perhaps the most significant creation of the 90s was me!

Now, I’m not young enough to claim that my momma actually squeezed me out during the 90s, but I can say that since I completed some of middle school, all of high school, and most of college during the 90s, my social persona, awkward though it may be, was largely formed during this time.

Sadly, this is the foundation upon which it was built…

me 8thgr

Yes, friends, that is your beloved Dumb Mom circa 1992.

Hair feathered with a ridiculous amount of hint of frizz, Al B. Sure unibrow, bad dental work (I think I’m actually missing a tooth!), crazy shirt, all tied together with a tarnished, but arguably stylish gold chain.


I coulda used a stern talking to (which I distinctly remember getting) re:my senseless disregard of approved grooming practices and fashion dos.

It’s a wonder that I turned out to be the looker I am today (actually, I’m not much improved but at least my parents caved on got the braces. Changed. My. Life.).

As Bruncle used to say, I was a “hot mess”.

But, I’m okay with that. And, do you want to know why?

Why I am willing, even eager, to share this hideous depiction of the girl formerly known as Bulldog (ask BFF, I kid you not, they called me that in high school and anytime you are compared to a dog of any sort you can pretty much imagine that things ain’t going your way in the dating department)?

Because I’m pretty certain that many of you looked similarly bad and you’re gonna prove it!

Because today is the launch of parenting BY dummies First Ever FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST!

That’s right people. A vintage photo contest celebrating the fact that we all weren’t candidates to be cast in Clueless (another awesome 90s hit) unless we wanted to play Tai (RIP Brittany Murphy).

Some of us were physically awkward with personalities to match.

But lucky for us, we’ve all grown up to be moderately productive, somewhat well-rounded, reluctantly responsible members of society.

So, wanna join me in celebrating the awkward years?

Want to be crowned the PBD’s 1990s Inspired BLOG DAWG of the Year?!

All you have to do to get involved is email me (parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot]com) a wicked bad photo of yourself from the 90s. You know what I’m talking about. You in 3 pairs of slouchy socks and LA Gear to match, mile high bangs, tight rolled jeans, Hammer pants (come on they were comfy, you know you had a pair), head gear adorned braces, Proactive worthy acne, those glasses that make your eyes look all small. That kinda stuff. And say I’m allowed to have my way with it (aka post it on my blog and make fun of it).

Then you wait until February 12th, when the last qualified entry hits my inbox, and you start campaigning (on your blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, by sending me cash bribes in discreetly marked envelopes).

Because what you want is votes.

Votes that say you really are owner of the Fugliest Face from the 90s so that you, as fan favorite Blog Dawg, can win a copy of Corel's Digital Studio 2010 (a photo editing and movie making software program).

How awesome is that?

So very, if you ask me!

More info to come throughout the week, but get those entries dug out and sent in because there will also be daily prizes** awarded to Tweeters (people who Tweet about the contest even if they don’t actually enter will be eligible for daily prizes too) and entrants also!

And, just because I am a huge control freak, there will also be a Dumb Mom Favorite awarded too for Fugly Photo that Made Me Pee a Little (aka laughed-so-hard-I-messed-myself photo, aka should-be-punished-in-a-court-of-law photo).

Now, chop, chop people.

Time’s awastin’ and you know you wanna be crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the First Ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

Even if you are convinced, as I am, that you were your high school’s version of Kelly/Cher/other super cool high school heroine, there is at least one photo to claim other wise. We all have them. For some they will be the class picture that showed up in the yearbook (see above). But for others, they may be a fluke or a one-time deal snapped by your mom with your dorky little brother ruining it like always (see below). Either way they’re out there.

la gear girl

And, even if you had Poison airbrushed on your backside (which would indicate that you really did think you were all that and a bag of chips) I encourage you to enter them, they are just as more funny now than they were then. Trust me.

Prestigious title (being named official Blog Dawg of 2010)+awesome prize (your own copy of Corel Digital Studio)=worth the embarrassment.

*not sure what this sentence actually meant, so I changed it to “jumping”, as in rope. It was 1990 for crying out loud, I was 12!

**daily prizes are funded by moi which means they are mediocre. But, they are free so no reason not to participate. We both know you’ll do just about anything for some free junk!


singedwingangel said...

wait do I have to have been in school at the time. I was in my 20's in the 90's lol and I got some really rough pics of me with some frizzed out hair tht God blessed me with. I mean EZMA from Emperor's new groove scary..

Kmama said...

I am SOOOO in!! I can't wait for the pictures to post.

BlogBaby said...

Oh Dumb mom how I have needed a good hearty belly laugh and once again you do not disappoint! You should also know that BlogBaby herself found that first image of you exceptionally hilarious with at least two solid minutes of pointing and laughing. Really. Seriously. TWO SOLID MINUTES! I think that's the longest she's been distracted by something since she discovered she could open the fridge by herself.

BlogBaby's BabyMama

Maggie S said...

Fugly I got. But I was grown. Is there a separate category for Senior Citizens who got married in '91?

4 Lettre Words said...

I'll have to go up in the attic and snoop photos...

And, yes. LL Cool J is amazingly hot. How does he keep from aging???

marymac said...

SO WITH MAGGIE! Married in '91 and feel like a FLIPPIN HAG after reading your post so THANKS A LOT! lol (My oldest kid STARTED DRIVING this week!Hagtastic!!)
I graduated from high school in 87 - now THERE'S a photo contest *I* should start! lol
Have one embarrassing one I can send... it's college graduation (from '91) where apparently I hadn't gotten the memo that the 80s were OVER...

xo love ya!

Lolli said...

Oh, boy! This could be fun. I can't wait to see everyone's great pictures. The only thing is....I had MUCH "better" pictures of myself in the 80s. In the 90s, I was heading to college and didn't look that bad. Maybe....

Sevibabyyy said...

OMG! The 90s (don't judge me that I may be too young, I had a sister who was 10 years older than me), SWV, En Vogue, Jon B., Keith Sweat, R.Kelly (circa Bump and Grind) (I was like 8 singing that song)!!!! WOW!! I wish I was back home, because I would dominate this contest with some of the stuff my mother would dress me and my siblings in.

Emily said...

I was 7 at the start of the 90's, but that doesn't stop me from knowing alllll about the hot music of the 90's. ( I had some hip aunts.) Anyhow- I def was dressed like a Clueless reject for much of the decade. I will find some really embarrassing shit & send it your way. And now? I have LL's Doin' It stuck in my head. Yeah, that was later in the 90's but damnnnn that video was HOT.

Jennifer said...

Ok, I know this isn't all about LLCoolJ, but I would love to run my hand down those abs just once... or twice. OMG. Whew...

Anyway, in the 90's I was already out of high school and well on my way to wedded bliss. This means I have to go in the baby's closet (shut up, two is still a baby) and dig out the tote with all the old photo albums and see what I can come up with.

blueviolet said...

I've done enough damage to my self-esteem by posting my past horrors. I shall happily agree to laugh at everyone else's expense though!!!

Miss Dot said...

This is fantastic. I'll have to fish through some old photos but I'm pretty sure I'll have something to contribute. Can't wait to see all the entries!

angie said...

I could totally be a contender for this contest if I could ONLY FIND my FUGLY photos. THey are still MIA. The only picture I found of Senior year is actually a darn good one if I do say so myself. :)

How old were you in 92'? I was 17. Sigh. Those were the days.

Anonymous said...

I remember sitting at lunch during college with my best friend when he said he never made a fashion mis-step. I said oh, yeah, what about Jams? He laughed for like five minutes straight with tears. And I didn't even know him back then, I was guessing. So yeah, I bet if I raided the boxes of photos in my parents' house, I could find a good picture. I thought permed bangs were cute once. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Hey, look, blogger is playing nice again!

Sunday said...

This is going to be soooo much fun. I can't wait to start digging through the pictures again!

Shell said...

I don't want to enter b/c I'm scared of how easily I'd win this thing. 7th grade class pic. Hands down, winner.

I'll be in Baltimore. :)

Ottavia said...

I watched all those 90's shows too! I was an 80's girl. I have tones of big hair pics. As for my 90's years, I was a raving (unground parties, techno music, party favours)...hmm, those pictures are uncover. ;)

Petite Little Bee said...

Hello, Just stopped by to visit. Your blog is great. Loved your cute pictures. Thanks for sharing and will be back soon. Cheers, Lia

Katie said...

Oh man, I just found some great photos last night that would fit this category. It's a shame I don't have the scanner hooked up (check out my 28 day challenge posts to find out why) so I could enter. I'll dig through what I do have digital though to see what I can

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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