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Friday, January 22, 2010

RanDumb, Really?

Tons of things confuse me.

Obviously there are the standard ones like, algorithms, how to convert metric units into something normal like inches or cups, and outer space.

But there’s a butt load of other crap that boggles my mind as well. 

For example, when Hubby calls me from the medicine aisle at Target and asks me if he should get the grape medicine or the cherry medicine for the dudes, and I tell him cherry because they HATE grape (and by HATE I mean it makes them gag), but then for some reason that I can not for the life of me determine he comes home with a bag filled with the grape ones anyway?!

I always just wonder why he bothered to call me and ask if he wasn't gonna listen.

I can’t imagine he’s doing it just to tick me off.  Even Dumb Dad’s not that dumb.

Or, when Hubby (obviously there are tons of things he does that I find to be mindblowingly confusing) asks me what movie I want to see.  I say, “Why don’t you get Julie and Julia or The Proposal?” and he comes back with District 9.


WTH?!  What kind of mind game are you playing at, Sir?! 


I’m sure in his mind asking me is like his way of appearing interested in what I say and eager to please me.  In my mind (aka reality) it is just annoying.

Anyway.  This week on RanDumb I’m going to explore a number of topics that I find confusing (aka Dumb).

Through extensive research (which is an advanced way of saying I Googled it), I have discovered that some of them actually do have answers.

Sadly the more tricky ones remain unexplained. 

Feel free to offer your own explanations, but don’t be surprised if I contradict you.  I may not know what the answers are, but I’m pretty sure I know what they aren’t.

5 RanDumb Things that Made Dumb Mom Say Really?

1.  That guys don’t like surprises. 


Why the Hell not?  What’s wrong with surprises? 

They are exciting, and fun, and…surprising.  I love surprises.  I rarely ever get them since I am in charge of developing, organizing, and carrying out every single idea that this household comes up with, but I’d love to be surprised (with something I’ve preapproved, of course) from time to time.  I mean, really, there’s no such thing as a bad surprise because bad surprises are called mistakes. 

Hubby, on the other hand HATES surprises.  I gave him a surprise birthday party like 8 years ago and I’ve never seen anyone have a less happy face at a party.  He was miserable.  He acted nice enough about it, but later he informed that he really, truly, honestly, no lie just doesn’t like being surprised.


Naturally, I assumed he was lying.  Or that, if he was telling the truth, he was some sort of heartless freak o’ nature because EVERYONE likes surprises.

Well, apparently, he’s neither because according to this guy, who I am totally in love with because he is singlehandedly saving my marriage with his witty insight John DeVore, who writes on The Frisky agrees that “Dudes Do Not Dig Surprises”.  He even gives some believably (although irrational) reasons as to why.

Go.  Figure.

2.  Americans are sensitive. 

About race.  About nudity.  About everything. 

This has baffled me for years.  I used to live in Europe.  For like 4 years.  The first week I was there my brother and I were watching a cartoon on television and right before our new-to-the-county-eyes the character dropped his shorts and took a dump in a stream, bearing is animated, naked booty to the world. 

We were taken aback. 

But that experience was nothing compared to the first time I visited a schwimmbad (German word for swimming pool) and discovered that tops were optional.  And the only ones gaping at the naked knockers were us Americans (and by us I mean every American but me because I was so embarrassed I nearly drowned myself in the wave pool).  No one there woulda thought to fine, or boycott, or make a stink about Janet’s wardrobe malfunction that has caused us to suffer through many years of sucky post-Janet Superbowl halftime “talent”. 

I mean, really?

Are Janet’s pierced nipples that offensive?

I’d love to be able to wake up to those everyday (because they were attached to my own chest, not because I was in bed with Miss-Jackson-if-you’re-nasty, although now that I think about it…).

And it’s not just nudity that gets all of our panties in a twist.

I mean look at all the trouble this Folgers commercial has caused.

Apparently, it’s sexist?


Is anyone else who doesn’t have countless hours to dissect every single little element of every single little everything offended by it?

I’m probably dumb and insensitive but I just don’t get it.

It could be worse.  I mean look at this…

It totally perpetuates the stereotype that Chinese people can fly.

Even I know that’s not true.

Or what about this one…

You expect me to believe that one little box of chicken would be enough to shut all those people up? 


3.  Animals have tons to do with boobs. 


Well, that’s what PETA is trying to convince me of anyway (DON’T GO TO THE LINK UNLESS YOU ARE 100% OKAY WITH SEEING A PAIR OF VERY COSTLY BIJONGAS).

I don’t know.

Personally, I could’ve done without the stripper.  I mean the sad images and the creepy-mad-rock-inspired accompaniment were convincing enough on their own.  The naked chick was just distracting because I couldn’t quit looking at her tigolbitties long enough to listen to her message.

4.  Some people are just effing crazy. 

A fact repeatedly proven by reality TV.

I mean did you see this dude on American Idol this week?

Come on.


Is there any way that dude is not tone deaf?

Doubt it.

And, what about this guy…

He’s lucky the only thing he “done ripped” were his pants.

5.  My children are spoiled.


Because they don’t really act like it.

But, maybe the sweet gem of a woman who left the comment on my “Birthday Doughnut” post from a coupla days ago knows them better than I do.

Or.  Maybe I really am just to dumb to notice.

Either way, I’m thinking I should look into this claim and see if there is any validity to it, maybe I’ll take a poll or something, because the last thing I need is a spoiled kid hanging around here.

Loud, energetic, outgoing, overzealous, and showing daredevil like tendencies are hard enough to deal with!

Got a RanDumb video or news story to share with Dumb Mom?  Point the way because I can’t get enough of this stuff.

Have a random (or a RanDumb) post to share?  Head over to Mrs.. 4444 and her Friday Fragments to link up.


Kmama said...

Ya know I had to go back and read that stream of comments.

WTF? Seriously? You are spoiling your child by celebrating their birthday? My kids all get a bunch of parties because half teh family lives on one side of the state, and half on the other...and because of that, we never do parties on the actual day when they fall during the week, so that's automatically THREE celebrations.

Maggie S said...

I haven't heard or read anyone use tigobitties since college, I just about fell outta my chair. Thank you for the laugh.

That gal's birthday comment knocked me flat. When I was a kid there was cake and guilt for allowing myself to be conceived. Now, for my kids, we get bring out the Ignorificance. Lasting for days and always just slightly semi-rumped. I loved the birthday donut and your devotion to your baby. You didn't give yourself a pass on something that was important to you. That is character. It made me examine my heart. It was so profound to me that I couldn't comment that day. Thanks.

Jennifer said...

The folgers commercial was sweet, the KFC commerical was kinda racist (and I agree it would take a lot more food than that to shut people up, and why did he want to shut them up anyway), and I have no idea what strippers have to do with animals. And if your kids are spoiled. They are LOVED and there is nothing dumb about that.

Shell said...

I had to stop over and see what the spoiling thing was about(saw it mentioned on WYSIWYG). Ridiculous.

Working Mommy said... stripper, PETA?!?! That is INSANE!!!! I mean, I know times are rough, but a stripper??


Kerry said...

Girl U R hilarious. I think Americans can learn a bit from the Europians and maybe some of us wouldn't be so uptight and just enjoy life.

And u do not spoil your kids. There's nothing wrong with celebrating having them around even though at times we as moms wished we had mute or pause button that came with them (one can only wish right? Lol).

Anywhoo, cool post. Thanks for the laughs and video clips.


qandlequeen said...

I concluded that people who don't like surprises are control freaks. Now I could be really wrong, but it helps me wrap my mind around why anyone would be pissy about a surprise party (my husband also hates surprises AND he sucks at giving surprises... so whatever).

Congrats on having a little blog war action. I think that means you've made it in the world. And how cool that everyone rallied around you!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Your RanDumb is always so entertaining! Sounds like we're married to the same man - my hubby would do the EXACT same thing as your hubby did by bringing home the grape after just calling to ask, or a movie not mentioned. ;)

That Folgers commercial is sexist? I echo your sentiment of really? :)

I had to go back and read the birthday post and comments... I wish I would get spoiled for my birthday. Oh wait, that's not supposed to be a good thing, is it? I guess I'm doomed spoiling the Princess Nagger for her birthday...and Christmas...and Easter...and Valentine's Day. I figure I counter-act the spoiling by doing the opposite for 'regular' days, you know, all the days in between the few and far-between 'special' ones. ;)

Mira said...

Wait. someone said your kids were spoiled because of the doughnut column? Um, no. This person clearly has no children of her own.

And my husband LOVES surprises, I hate them and yet he continues to think I'm him and try to surprise me and I continue to do everything to figure things out ahead of time so I'm not surprised. Not a good match.

Amethyst Moon said...

OK, so I totally hate surprises! I would be pissed to know that hubby was going behind my back to plan some surprise party where people would stare at me with goofy grins and say stuid things like "were you surprised?!" Of course you jumped at me from behind the couch and I'm surprised I didn't kick you! Anyhoo, no surprise paties for me, thanks

Teresha@Marlie and Me said...

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! I've been a bad PBD follower. love your RanDumb post...very much things that make you go hmmm

Anonymous said...

I'm not big on the Folgers' commercial. I would've hated if my husband and dad talked about giving me away, but it's not like Folgers is hip to the young crowd.

PETA drives me insance. Because they are sexist. What do stripping or posing nude have anything to do with animal rights? Who do they think they are converting? Young, horny teenage boys? Right.

It's amazing what will piss people off about your child raising. Never bad mouth a children's show because then hateful people come out and say you're a bad parent for not letting your child watch it and for letting your child watch too much TV. It was a goddamn doughnut, asked for by a 2 year old, who wouldn't even understand "Sweetheart, you had cake the other day and you'll have another in a few days." How does reading one post make someone an expert on the blogger's parenting?

Ok. I'll be quiet now.

Mrs4444 said...

I didn't get the sexist thing either, or the birthday spoiling, either. Off to figure out WTH she's talking about!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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