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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Bored?

Mama Kat wants us to share some surefire tips for staving off boredom.

Not sure what she’s gonna use ‘em for ‘cause I mean, between blogging, and doing her real job (yep she actually has one), and being a mom, and meeting up with the likes of me and BFF in Vegas for weekends of pleasure, I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have time to get bored.

As for myself, I haven’t been bored in years so initially I was gonna choose on of the other prompts (like the one about all of the different places I’ve lived because when I count it up, I’ve lived in like 20 different houses, more than half of which were before I even graduated from high school. I’m thinking Mimi and Papa were running from the law!).

I mean, what does a person with absolutely no experience with actual boredom have to say about being bored?

But then I realized that I have plenty to say about staving off boredom.

And, not just because of the whole “expert on nothing who knows everything” bit (that’s how I describe myself when people ask me to sum myself up; accurate, right?).

I mean, someone who NEVER gets bored must be doing something right, right?

So I decided I’ll share with you my formula for avoiding boredom for the next five to ten years.

And, here you have it, Dumb Mom’s Guide to Staving off Boredom: Top Ten Ways to Stay Busy and Boredom Free for Years to Come

10. Just Dance. The video game. I do it every. Single. Day. And it is SO awesome. I’ve even lost weight doing it (not a lot, but still). And, if you find yourself inching close to getting bored while doing it, you can always make a video of yourself and enter it in this contest to win a grand. I thought about entering myself, but I’m so good at it now that I probably wouldn’t win. It’s like those girls who say they are “too pretty” to get dates? That’s me. I’m too good at Just Dance to win their little contest. But you might have a shot.

9. Do your taxes. What? Taxes are boring? Shut yo’ mouth! Taxes are a lot of things, but I refuse to believe that they are boring. But, I can see that many of you disagree with me on this point and to give me an opportunity to change your mind why don’t you enter my H&R Block At Home giveaway? Then you can at least rest assured that you are not gonna miss any deductions or wind up in jail because an itty bitty error in accounting caused you to cheat Uncle Sam outta $300,000. Because seriously, is there anything more boring than 5 to 10 in Club Fed?



8. Go to You Tube. And watch the part in Super Bad (please tell me you have seen this movie because it is HILARIOUS) when Seth gets hit by the car (the first time). It makes me laugh over and over and over again. Now, please note that Super Bad features a set of nerdy, sexually frustrated high school boys with serious cases of toilet tongue (meaning they curse like a couple of pirates) so don’t click on the link if you’re easily (or possibly even not so easily) offended, the language is pretty graphic.

7. Watch Tosh.0. Another way to waste a good thirty minutes laughing your chubby little butt cheeks off. You can catch it on Comedy Central every Wednesday night at 10:30 (or 9:30 if you live in one of those strange states between here and California). Or, if you’re one of the freaks of nature who don’t have cable television, you can just check it out on the Internet here. Be sure you check out the crap I said before about Super Bad being all naughty and offensive, this is sorta the same deal (only the cursing is pretty much bleeped out since it’s on TV and stuff) so if you’re “sensitive” just try one of the other 6 things on the list.

6. Send an apology on Facebook. You know to that chick in high school whose boyfriend you stole and then got her kicked outta the Recycling Club for throwing her soda can in the trash? Yep, you could probably kill like 20 minutes sending all of those people you wronged somehow messages on Facebook apologizing for being a mean girl so that when you send them a friend request they will accept it. Or you can go to imsorry.com and do it there (I honestly can’t even believe there is a service for this).

5. Go to Wal-Mart. You can eat up tons of time just “people” watching. And, you can test out all of the stereotypes you’ve ever heard about any one ever. Because for whatever reason, they all materialize at Wal-Mart.

4. Go to Wal-Mart and act like you belong there. I like to do this from time to time, just for fun. I put on my rattiest jammie pants and my slippers and I don’t comb my hair (or even bother to remove the curlers). I don’t put on makeup and I avoid most other forms of personal hygiene, too. Then, I don a shirt that’s WAY too small for me, paint my nails bright red with added rhinestones for extra bling, and I might even throw on one of those trendy little disposable plastic shower cap thingys. To make it more real I like to even grab #3 outta the bed and just rip his pajamas right offa his body. I don’t bother to change his diaper or dress him in any clothing or shoes so that his visibly soiled diaper is easily viewed (and smelled) by passersby. And then, I give him a pacifier, no, a bottle, of soda to bring along with us. Then, when we get to the store I drag him around it while he’s crying (you know with snot and everything) and I yell at him for it (since yelling at a baby will actually make them want to STOP crying). When I finally get up to the cash register I decide to put back at least four things (after they’ve been rung up and bagged, of course), I make it a point to talk on my cell phone the ENTIRE time, and, that’s right, AND I write a check! For half. I use a combination of a gift card and loose change to pay for the rest. I’m telling you it is so freakin’ fun and I look just like I belong there. If fear is a factor, here's a website where you can live vicariously through those of us willing to brave the possibly infected Wal-Mart waters: People of Walmart

3. Teach your toddler to sing. Not those silly, traditional nursery rhymes that will bore you to tears if you have to sing them over and over (I’m so sick of Old Macdonald I could hurl). You gotta teach him popular songs from the radio and then encourage him to sing them for you. I love #3’a rendition of Single Ladies and he even does the dance. So. Funny!

2. Read my blog. Duh.

1. Take a toddler on an outing. So that he can embarrass you with his inappropriately-loud-for-the-library voice and his inappropriately-ridiculous-to-be-coming-from-a-toddler words.

A lovely segue into this week’s Thursday Thank You.

A special thank you to the just-turned-two toddler of the house who has made the library off limits only moments after we were allowed back on the premises after getting our exorbitant fine paid off.

Thank you and you’re welcome.

Dear #3,

Please tell me this is not for real. I honestly can not believe you right now. I know that you are a little bit obsessed with the female gluteus maximus at the moment, but let me remind you that pointing to it, talking about it, or personally addressing it in any way while in public is highly inappropriate. It is not okay for you to shout, “MOMMY! WOOK AT HER BUTT! IS YUCKY!” when another mom bends down next to you at the library. I realize that you may have been given a much better glimpse of it than you ever imagined*, but that doesn’t make you clamoring to get my attention by increasing your voice and/or pointing more frantically and demanding that I, “WOOK AT IT MOMMY! WOOK AT HER BUTT!” okay in any way. And, for future reference, if I shush you by putting my finger to your lips, covering your mouth with my palm, or shoving your face into the floor that generally means that you need to cease and desist, IMMEDIATELY with what you’re saying. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not identify and announce the existence of butts in the immediate area. Just bring it down a notch. I realize that it can, at times, be difficult, but it may help if you ignore the urge to throw yourself on the ground beneath any kneeling butts to get yourself a better look. And, it may also help if you, when presented with an unnaturally large or slightly overexposed butt, just WHISPER your recognition of said butt’s arrival to just me, and remember that it’s cool if you want to talk about it later. Like, when we get in the car!. Because you know, it’s not the fact that you noticed, I mean frankly, we ALL noticed, it’s more the announcement, and it’s excessive volume that I’m struggling with here. I’d greatly appreciate your cooperation on this matter and hope that our library privileges will not be permanently revoked as a result of this incident.

XOXO,

Dumb Mom

P.S. I know that reading is not really your thing so I’ve included a diagram to ensure accurate transmission of this message.

Never do this...


*In #3’s much needed defense, the rump in question was quite noticeable for both size and ill fitting attire (aka her butt crack was in full view to him when she knelt down to pick out her books and he was obviously caught off guard by it. Obviously.). If you are reading this and you think that you may actually be the owner of the “YUCKY BUTT,” you may want to invest in a good set of high-waist mom jeans (it’s time you got yourself a pair), and/or an extra long tank top (you can get ‘em at Old Navy). Just to prevent visually assaulting toddlers thereby making them look like the bad guys.

Join us, won't you?!

Mama's Losin' It

27 comments:

Elizabeth a.k.a. Type A Mommy said...

You never fail to crack me up. Seriously. I took my almost two year old to the library this week and while he has yet to learn about his "inside voice," he didn't chatter about someone's butt, so I suppose I ought to be pleased. But darn, this was some funny stuff! Stopping by from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop!

Jade said...

Bored - with so many blogs to read, I don't think so! Unless the internet connection is down then I'm just totally lost.

Love your walmart suggestons too!
Jade

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo ahhh teh innocence of childhood before we had the filter installed that keeps us from sayign what we meant to say.. Ya know he was only saying what you and every other person within 5 feet were thinking..lmbopimpp

panamamama said...

So awesome! Cracking up about the buttcrack lady.

Jennifer said...

This sounds like the time that we were banned from the grocery store because my four year old (at the time) called the customer old. Like so old they looked like they were dead. At the top of her lungs.

Kids should really come with volume control.

Jen said...

Too funny!

marymac said...

Tosh and Walmart- sounds like a party! Hollahhhh

Jenny said...

Love your list.

Soo funny, kids have no filter do they.

Jenn said...

I knew going to WalMart was a good tactic! If it makes you feel better, my brother once told a lady in the grocery store that she was big and then turned to my mom and told her she was small. Big. Small.
Thanks for the comment today on my blog.

Kmama said...

I love your #3 (meaning your son). He is HILARIOUS. I can only imagine the stuff he pulls. Sweet boy.

Jenners said...

I've found that since I became a mom, I'm never bored either. But you had some great ideas on your list...and I liked how you cleverly worked in some contests and promos!

But taxes ... are ..... boring.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Great ideas! I think I'll go to Wal-mart...

Mira said...

You know that part where your kid is a genius because he talks so well? Not looking so good right now is it? I think I'll keep my jibberish speaking triplets for a while longer...

I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

That Walmart link is the best thing ever!

Keyona said...

I LURVE going to Wal-Mart or Target to blow time. I have even learned how to contain myself from buying shit I don't need. :)

Lauren said...

#4 has me literally in tears I am laughing so hard!! Do you live in Tampa, because I am sure that I have seen you at my Wal-mart! ;)

angie said...

Ha ha ha. I have a lot I could saw about WalMART. One of them is that it's a great way to waste time and feel like you're living on the edge, because I don't know about you, but I always feel a bit unsafe when I'm there.......:)

Shell said...

I love Just Dance!

I just wrote the other day about loving Hubs and BIL for playing with me on there and how it's especially amusing to watch them shake it to Spice Girls.

That contest might be my excuse to get the video everyone requested...

ck said...

#6 is HILARIOUS! You need to post the yearbook pic of you in the recycling club. Don't try to fake either, I want to see the photographic proof!

Alicia said...

i'll never be bored now thanks to your list...but i love you. you know that....but i can NEVER go to wal mart again...i HATE wal mart ever since that crack head tried to kiss my baby...

Sunday said...

I have decided i must get the 'Just Dance' for my wii. It sounds entirely too much fun to pass up.

faemom said...

The people of Walmart site was hilarious. I will never be bored again. Though I think boredom is what happens when you don't have kids.

Life with Kaishon said...

What is it about Walmart? Cause I have totally seen that Mommy you describe in her jammies and slippers with her dirty pampered baby whining and flinging snot! : )

Miss Dot said...

As if the description of #3's shenanigans wasn't enough, you HAD to throw in the diagram, didn't you?

P.S. - I thought I recognized you from somewhere!

Maureen said...

LOL Love your list, especially the teach your toddler to sing, mine doesn't need to be taught, his current fave song is "We Built This City - Starship" LOL Gotta love it.

marfmom said...

Hahahaha! Your poor #3! Hope you're allowed back in the library soon!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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