Bored?

Mama Kat wants us to share some surefire tips for staving off boredom.

Not sure what she’s gonna use ‘em for ‘cause I mean, between blogging, and doing her real job (yep she actually has one), and being a mom, and meeting up with the likes of me and BFF in Vegas for weekends of pleasure, I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have time to get bored.

As for myself, I haven’t been bored in years so initially I was gonna choose on of the other prompts (like the one about all of the different places I’ve lived because when I count it up, I’ve lived in like 20 different houses, more than half of which were before I even graduated from high school. I’m thinking Mimi and Papa were running from the law!).

I mean, what does a person with absolutely no experience with actual boredom have to say about being bored?

But then I realized that I have plenty to say about staving off boredom.

And, not just because of the whole “expert on nothing who knows everything” bit (that’s how I describe myself when people ask me to sum myself up; accurate, right?).

I mean, someone who NEVER gets bored must be doing something right, right?

So I decided I’ll share with you my formula for avoiding boredom for the next five to ten years.

And, here you have it, Dumb Mom’s Guide to Staving off Boredom: Top Ten Ways to Stay Busy and Boredom Free for Years to Come

10. Just Dance. The video game. I do it every. Single. Day. And it is SO awesome. I’ve even lost weight doing it (not a lot, but still). And, if you find yourself inching close to getting bored while doing it, you can always make a video of yourself and enter it in this contest to win a grand. I thought about entering myself, but I’m so good at it now that I probably wouldn’t win. It’s like those girls who say they are “too pretty” to get dates? That’s me. I’m too good at Just Dance to win their little contest. But you might have a shot.

9. Do your taxes. What? Taxes are boring? Shut yo’ mouth! Taxes are a lot of things, but I refuse to believe that they are boring. But, I can see that many of you disagree with me on this point and to give me an opportunity to change your mind why don’t you enter my H&R Block At Home giveaway? Then you can at least rest assured that you are not gonna miss any deductions or wind up in jail because an itty bitty error in accounting caused you to cheat Uncle Sam outta $300,000. Because seriously, is there anything more boring than 5 to 10 in Club Fed?

8. Go to You Tube. And watch the part in Super Bad (please tell me you have seen this movie because it is HILARIOUS) when Seth gets hit by the car (the first time). It makes me laugh over and over and over again. Now, please note that Super Bad features a set of nerdy, sexually frustrated high school boys with serious cases of toilet tongue (meaning they curse like a couple of pirates) so don’t click on the link if you’re easily (or possibly even not so easily) offended, the language is pretty graphic.

7. Watch Tosh.0. Another way to waste a good thirty minutes laughing your chubby little butt cheeks off. You can catch it on Comedy Central every Wednesday night at 10:30 (or 9:30 if you live in one of those strange states between here and California). Or, if you’re one of the freaks of nature who don’t have cable television, you can just check it out on the Internet here. Be sure you check out the crap I said before about Super Bad being all naughty and offensive, this is sorta the same deal (only the cursing is pretty much bleeped out since it’s on TV and stuff) so if you’re “sensitive” just try one of the other 6 things on the list.

6. Send an apology on Facebook. You know to that chick in high school whose boyfriend you stole and then got her kicked outta the Recycling Club for throwing her soda can in the trash? Yep, you could probably kill like 20 minutes sending all of those people you wronged somehow messages on Facebook apologizing for being a mean girl so that when you send them a friend request they will accept it. Or you can go to imsorry.com and do it there (I honestly can’t even believe there is a service for this).

5. Go to Wal-Mart. You can eat up tons of time just “people” watching. And, you can test out all of the stereotypes you’ve ever heard about any one ever. Because for whatever reason, they all materialize at Wal-Mart.

4. Go to Wal-Mart and act like you belong there. I like to do this from time to time, just for fun. I put on my rattiest jammie pants and my slippers and I don’t comb my hair (or even bother to remove the curlers). I don’t put on makeup and I avoid most other forms of personal hygiene, too. Then, I don a shirt that’s WAY too small for me, paint my nails bright red with added rhinestones for extra bling, and I might even throw on one of those trendy little disposable plastic shower cap thingys. To make it more real I like to even grab #3 outta the bed and just rip his pajamas right offa his body. I don’t bother to change his diaper or dress him in any clothing or shoes so that his visibly soiled diaper is easily viewed (and smelled) by passersby. And then, I give him a pacifier, no, a bottle, of soda to bring along with us. Then, when we get to the store I drag him around it while he’s crying (you know with snot and everything) and I yell at him for it (since yelling at a baby will actually make them want to STOP crying). When I finally get up to the cash register I decide to put back at least four things (after they’ve been rung up and bagged, of course), I make it a point to talk on my cell phone the ENTIRE time, and, that’s right, AND I write a check! For half. I use a combination of a gift card and loose change to pay for the rest. I’m telling you it is so freakin’ fun and I look just like I belong there. If fear is a factor, here's a website where you can live vicariously through those of us willing to brave the possibly infected Wal-Mart waters: People of Walmart

3. Teach your toddler to sing. Not those silly, traditional nursery rhymes that will bore you to tears if you have to sing them over and over (I’m so sick of Old Macdonald I could hurl). You gotta teach him popular songs from the radio and then encourage him to sing them for you. I love #3’a rendition of Single Ladies and he even does the dance. So. Funny!

2. Read my blog. Duh.

1. Take a toddler on an outing. So that he can embarrass you with his inappropriately-loud-for-the-library voice and his inappropriately-ridiculous-to-be-coming-from-a-toddler words.

A lovely segue into this week’s Thursday Thank You.

A special thank you to the just-turned-two toddler of the house who has made the library off limits only moments after we were allowed back on the premises after getting our exorbitant fine paid off.

Thank you and you’re welcome.

Dear #3,

Please tell me this is not for real. I honestly can not believe you right now. I know that you are a little bit obsessed with the female gluteus maximus at the moment, but let me remind you that pointing to it, talking about it, or personally addressing it in any way while in public is highly inappropriate. It is not okay for you to shout, “MOMMY! WOOK AT HER BUTT! IS YUCKY!” when another mom bends down next to you at the library. I realize that you may have been given a much better glimpse of it than you ever imagined*, but that doesn’t make you clamoring to get my attention by increasing your voice and/or pointing more frantically and demanding that I, “WOOK AT IT MOMMY! WOOK AT HER BUTT!” okay in any way. And, for future reference, if I shush you by putting my finger to your lips, covering your mouth with my palm, or shoving your face into the floor that generally means that you need to cease and desist, IMMEDIATELY with what you’re saying. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not identify and announce the existence of butts in the immediate area. Just bring it down a notch. I realize that it can, at times, be difficult, but it may help if you ignore the urge to throw yourself on the ground beneath any kneeling butts to get yourself a better look. And, it may also help if you, when presented with an unnaturally large or slightly overexposed butt, just WHISPER your recognition of said butt’s arrival to just me, and remember that it’s cool if you want to talk about it later. Like, when we get in the car!. Because you know, it’s not the fact that you noticed, I mean frankly, we ALL noticed, it’s more the announcement, and it’s excessive volume that I’m struggling with here. I’d greatly appreciate your cooperation on this matter and hope that our library privileges will not be permanently revoked as a result of this incident.

XOXO,

Dumb Mom

P.S. I know that reading is not really your thing so I’ve included a diagram to ensure accurate transmission of this message.

Never do this...

*In #3’s much needed defense, the rump in question was quite noticeable for both size and ill fitting attire (aka her butt crack was in full view to him when she knelt down to pick out her books and he was obviously caught off guard by it. Obviously.). If you are reading this and you think that you may actually be the owner of the “YUCKY BUTT,” you may want to invest in a good set of high-waist mom jeans (it’s time you got yourself a pair), and/or an extra long tank top (you can get ‘em at Old Navy). Just to prevent visually assaulting toddlers thereby making them look like the bad guys.

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