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Friday, February 5, 2010

RanDumb: Retro Edition

You’d think rich people could stay outta trouble.

Just this week we’ve seen this winner…


repeatedly gracing web pages and magazine covers (do you think they purposely make you look this horrible before they snap your shot?).

Jeez, Dude. Get a hobby (other than attempting to pull alcohol fueled, bumbling bank jobs).

If I had millions of dollars I’m pretty sure I could find plenty of crap to do that didn’t involve time behind bars.

But that’s just me.

Celebrities are different. For some reason they seem to be huge crime junkies.

From whore-infatuated politicians (and golfers) to sex tape scandalized actresses (and heiresses), our faves from the big screen (and the capitol) all could have easily saved themselves a whole butt load of trouble had they spent a few minutes Goggling their favorite vices on the Internet.

Which is what I did to bring you this weeks addition of RanDumb*.


Things Naughty-Law-Abiding-Challenged Celebrities Shoulda Goggled

1. Celebrity+sex+tape+scandals. Had someone like Ray J. went ahead and done this then he woulda known that, when embroiled in a sex tape “scandal”, it’s better for the rest of your career if you are the female “star” as opposed to the slightly washed up D-list celebrity male component. I mean, just look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. After their video came out in 1998 she got even more popular, while him, not so much. Same thing for Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Both of them have spent tons of time in the limelight since their sex tape-scapades made their Internet debuts, however the aforementioned Ray J. and that nobody Hilton was with have all but disappeared. I know Ray J. has that Flavor-of-Love-wannabe-hood-rat-fest of a show, “For the Love of Ray J.” on VH1, but really, who even cares? I can say with complete conviction that I would do more for a Klondike Bar than I would for the love of Ray J.

2. Celebrity+prostitution+busts. Holy pants on the ground, Batman! Are there people who haven’t heard about Hugh Grant and Divine Brown? Or what about Eddie Murphy and that tranny (that was embarrassing!)? Seriously. Eddie may not have had to go downtown for his transgression, but everyone saw Hugh’s mugshots, right?


Thanks to his 1998 debacle we all know what happens to celebrities who get hooked (can that be a verb, or does that not work?). So what is up with people like A-Rod and Eliot Spitzer? Pick up an In Touch Weekly, guys. Hop on Could save you a lot of trouble.

3. Celebrities+sex+rehab. Had Tiger and David Duchovny taken a few moments to type these three little words into everyone’s favorite medical diagnosing machine (aka Goggle), they would have come back with articles about one very famous sexaholic named Michael Douglas. He spent some part of the 90s figuring out how to put a muzzle on his libido. Both Tiger and Duchovny both could have saved millions of dollars, not to mention weeks of embarrassment.

4. Politicians+infidelity. Two words. Bill. effing-Clinton. So maybe that was two and a half words. But seriously, politicians cheating on their wives with young chicks is so 1997 (‘96?, 98?). It always goes down the same way, too: allegations of “inappropriate behavior” (aka hooking up in the oval office) are made, politician denies it as does young probably paid off and/or threatened girl involved, young girl winds up pregnant dead caught in a lie with a a semen stained dress breaking the story for some reason, politician admits to some smaller offense (usually an “inappropriate” relationship) but vehemently denies the allegations, politician’s sensible wife stands by him as the pillar of the family, all hell breaks loose, everyone forgets about the random young chick who was implicated in the affair, all focus is put on the wife (and whether she’ll stay or go), no one cares what the politician does once a celebrity sex tape is released (unless the politician is in that too!), politician resigns and goes on to write a book have a library named after him run a Baskin Robins live happily ever after. I was so over the John-Edwards-stereotypical-affair story until the whole sex tape scandal broke. Way to change the game for us John!

5. Celebrities+arrested+DUI. It seems no one is immune to this: Heather Locklear, Keifer Sutherland, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charles Barkley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, Haley Joel no-wonder-he-sees-dead-people-Osment. The list of celebrities picked up for driving under the influence could go on forever. Not sure why they haven’t learned this lesson. They have so many role models to learn from in this particular area. Notable ones even. I know that his recent success has made these days all but disappear, but seriously for most of the 90s this is one of the only shots of Robert Downey Jr. you were likely to see…


He’s like the poster child for when-good-actors-get-addicted-to-crap. He’s been arrested more times than DMX (anyone with an “Arrest-o-Meter page has serious issues) for crying out loud and every time it was drug and/or alcohol related. Carrying an unloaded gun; while drunk. Speeding; while drunk. Breaking into people’s houses because he thinks it’s his house; while, you guessed it, drunk. So much to learn from a guy like this.

Point is, had any of these celebritards taken half a second to do a little research things could have gone much differently.

So, if you find yourself trapped in a life altering blizzard this weekend (like I’m scheduled to be) and you’re bored outta your mind, go ahead and type this into Google: things 90s stars did to ruin their lives.

Hours-o-fun and it’s not even illegal.

And, while we’re on the topic of 90s stuff worth remembering why don’t you go ahead and get your self entered in my 90s inspired photo contest?!

You could win awesome prizes so being laughed at shamelessly a few moments of discomfort is totally worth it!

*RanDumb is a weekly event here at parenting BY dummies during which I share recent (or in this case, retro) events that focus on the dumb in others. It makes me look and feel good, plus it’s funny! Looking for other random fun? Head on over to Mrs. 4444’s blog, Half Past Kissin’ Time and link up to her Friday Fragments post.


Kerry said...

HA!!!!! U r sooo right. Rich people just can't seem to get it together. You'd think with all that money, they'd keep themselves busy by spending it or traveling or something but nooooo, they decide to buy silly stuff that can get them in trouble.

Thanks for the post and the laughs. :)

singedwingangel said...

Notice that most of them when they got in trouble had already fallen off the celebrity radar before the newsworthy behavior. I think it goes with being an attention junkie, you crave attention, even if it is bad attention

Resh Rene` said...

I too have often wondered about their escapades! I guess when you get to a certain status the only way to top it is too do something so idiotic that everyone has to stop an scratch their heads.
My thought is that celebrities need hobbies. But they don't play W.O.W., scrapbook, blog or raise their children like us normal people do, no instead they get Nannies and/or prostitutes and it always ends up the same way,with their pants down.
I'd like to write them all letters and tell them there are lots of $15 activities that the rest of us "poor" people enjoy, they might too. They could just google it, but I don't think celebrities know that exist either.

Kmama said...

This was great. You are so darn creative!! LOL

Christina Lee said...

hah!!! Love this!

Evonne said...

It's crazy what money and fame can do to a person. That is one scary mug shot!

Maggie S said...

The thing is, it is so hard to type when you are already that drunk.

Jennifer said...

People never learn. They always think that they will be the ones to get away with it. Luckily for us (and our entertainment) they don't.

Miss Dot said...

I'm totally with you on this -- I mean, if I had THAT much money to play around with on a daily basis, I guarantee you I wouldn't be doing stupid things involving words like "sex tape" or "rehab." Man, don't these people have better things to do? Oh, wait, obviously not.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's better to be a nobody. Somebodied go crazy.

Mrs4444 said...

Seriously? That dude had a million dollars?! Just goes to show you that money doesn't buy happiness..

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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