RanDumb: Retro Edition

You’d think rich people could stay outta trouble.

Just this week we’ve seen this winner…

repeatedly gracing web pages and magazine covers (do you think they purposely make you look this horrible before they snap your shot?).

Jeez, Dude. Get a hobby (other than attempting to pull alcohol fueled, bumbling bank jobs).

If I had millions of dollars I’m pretty sure I could find plenty of crap to do that didn’t involve time behind bars.

But that’s just me.

Celebrities are different. For some reason they seem to be huge crime junkies.

From whore-infatuated politicians (and golfers) to sex tape scandalized actresses (and heiresses), our faves from the big screen (and the capitol) all could have easily saved themselves a whole butt load of trouble had they spent a few minutes Goggling their favorite vices on the Internet.

Which is what I did to bring you this weeks addition of RanDumb*.

Enjoy!

Things Naughty-Law-Abiding-Challenged Celebrities Shoulda Goggled

1. Celebrity+sex+tape+scandals. Had someone like Ray J. went ahead and done this then he woulda known that, when embroiled in a sex tape “scandal”, it’s better for the rest of your career if you are the female “star” as opposed to the slightly washed up D-list celebrity male component. I mean, just look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. After their video came out in 1998 she got even more popular, while him, not so much. Same thing for Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Both of them have spent tons of time in the limelight since their sex tape-scapades made their Internet debuts, however the aforementioned Ray J. and that nobody Hilton was with have all but disappeared. I know Ray J. has that Flavor-of-Love-wannabe-hood-rat-fest of a show, “For the Love of Ray J.” on VH1, but really, who even cares? I can say with complete conviction that I would do more for a Klondike Bar than I would for the love of Ray J.

2. Celebrity+prostitution+busts. Holy pants on the ground, Batman! Are there people who haven’t heard about Hugh Grant and Divine Brown? Or what about Eddie Murphy and that tranny (that was embarrassing!)? Seriously. Eddie may not have had to go downtown for his transgression, but everyone saw Hugh’s mugshots, right?

Thanks to his 1998 debacle we all know what happens to celebrities who get hooked (can that be a verb, or does that not work?). So what is up with people like A-Rod and Eliot Spitzer? Pick up an In Touch Weekly, guys. Hop on People.com. Could save you a lot of trouble.

3. Celebrities+sex+rehab. Had Tiger and David Duchovny taken a few moments to type these three little words into everyone’s favorite medical diagnosing machine (aka Goggle), they would have come back with articles about one very famous sexaholic named Michael Douglas. He spent some part of the 90s figuring out how to put a muzzle on his libido. Both Tiger and Duchovny both could have saved millions of dollars, not to mention weeks of embarrassment.

4. Politicians+infidelity. Two words. Bill. effing-Clinton. So maybe that was two and a half words. But seriously, politicians cheating on their wives with young chicks is so 1997 (‘96?, 98?). It always goes down the same way, too: allegations of “inappropriate behavior” (aka hooking up in the oval office) are made, politician denies it as does young probably paid off and/or threatened girl involved, young girl winds up pregnant dead caught in a lie with a a semen stained dress breaking the story for some reason, politician admits to some smaller offense (usually an “inappropriate” relationship) but vehemently denies the allegations, politician’s sensible wife stands by him as the pillar of the family, all hell breaks loose, everyone forgets about the random young chick who was implicated in the affair, all focus is put on the wife (and whether she’ll stay or go), no one cares what the politician does once a celebrity sex tape is released (unless the politician is in that too!), politician resigns and goes on to write a book have a library named after him run a Baskin Robins live happily ever after. I was so over the John-Edwards-stereotypical-affair story until the whole sex tape scandal broke. Way to change the game for us John!

5. Celebrities+arrested+DUI. It seems no one is immune to this: Heather Locklear, Keifer Sutherland, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charles Barkley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, Haley Joel no-wonder-he-sees-dead-people-Osment. The list of celebrities picked up for driving under the influence could go on forever. Not sure why they haven’t learned this lesson. They have so many role models to learn from in this particular area. Notable ones even. I know that his recent success has made these days all but disappear, but seriously for most of the 90s this is one of the only shots of Robert Downey Jr. you were likely to see…

He’s like the poster child for when-good-actors-get-addicted-to-crap. He’s been arrested more times than DMX (anyone with an “Arrest-o-Meter page has serious issues) for crying out loud and every time it was drug and/or alcohol related. Carrying an unloaded gun; while drunk. Speeding; while drunk. Breaking into people’s houses because he thinks it’s his house; while, you guessed it, drunk. So much to learn from a guy like this.

Point is, had any of these celebritards taken half a second to do a little research things could have gone much differently.

So, if you find yourself trapped in a life altering blizzard this weekend (like I’m scheduled to be) and you’re bored outta your mind, go ahead and type this into Google: things 90s stars did to ruin their lives.

Hours-o-fun and it’s not even illegal.

And, while we’re on the topic of 90s stuff worth remembering why don’t you go ahead and get your self entered in my 90s inspired photo contest?!

You could win awesome prizes so being laughed at shamelessly a few moments of discomfort is totally worth it!

*RanDumb is a weekly event here at parenting BY dummies during which I share recent (or in this case, retro) events that focus on the dumb in others. It makes me look and feel good, plus it’s funny! Looking for other random fun? Head on over to Mrs. 4444’s blog, Half Past Kissin’ Time and link up to her Friday Fragments post.