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Thursday, November 19, 2009

That's Fowl


New Moon. *taking deep breaths trying not to hyperventilate*

You all know how I feel about this...

It's like my thing (along with former boy banders turned hotties).

I am just so excited about this weekend.

And, yes. I already have my tickets.

I so wanted to go to the midnight showing, but I can't (bloody little beasts that pretend to be my sweet children from time to time).

After debating the situation numerous times with myself, I decided that it's for the best anyway because the very last thing I want is to have to be wedged in between Teen Becky and Teen Susie, OMGing-movie-rule-violating-Jacob-obsessed gigglebots who have never seen a man (or a man child in this case) without his shirt off before.

I want to marvel in the glory that is Edward without interruption.

I'm hoping all of the die hard fans will have seen the film come Saturday afternoon, or will be waiting until Saturday night to catch it.

Fingers crossed.

But, please don't doubt my dedication to the Twi.

I am still 100% devoted to Edward and Bella and the whole gang, and I take my obsessions seriously.

So serious in fact, that I volunteered to be the Twilight/New Moon expert on my most favorite morning radio show this week.

Go ahead and listen to my gushing summary of the series, but don't bother listening to the everyone's-an-expert haters that follow my review.

Dumb Mom on the Kane Show!

Did you hear it?

Awesome, right?!

Except for one little thing.

Make that two little things.

The delightful sound of my screaming little people that prompted the DJ to ask if I was "murdering children in the background".

Worst part is that their screaming was not even my fault!

It was the ducks!

The bloody, effing, psycho, attack ducks at the park that are to blame for the sounds-like-a-massacre screaming going on.

For lack of a better venue (thought about locking them in the car for my radio debut, but feared some nosy concerned citizen would call the cops on me) I took the dudes to the park for an early morning play.

And, instead of allowing them to play on the equipment (because then they would constantly be calling me for help) I thought it most serene if we took a stroll along the waterway to have a look at the ducks.


Since the dudes were armed with mommy's-on-the-phone-just-stuff-it-and-shut-it Pop Tarts, the fearless give-me-that-snack-or-else ducks from Hell spied us and decided to make their move right when I got distracted with Kane and Sarah (radio show hosts extraordinaire).

The kids got freaked (as any warm blooded human would if they were essentially landed upon by a flock of overly fed ducks) and began screaming (and running) hysterically which explains the commotion you heard on the show.

Way to go Dumb Mom!

P.S. That little tidbit about me leaving Hubby for R. Patz or JT, totally not true. I would only leave him for R. Patz if he turned out to be an actual vampire. me:)!

And, hey, Mama K, I'm not sure if that was 1000 words or less, but I'm pretty sure my life will never be the same thanks to the effing ducks. So, count me in for today's Writer's Workshop, um-kay because now I can't call the radio station everyday and harass them to put me on because I'm known as the "Screaming Kid Lady", which is way worse than being "The Cat Lady" or "The Bag Lady", if you ask me!

So, this week's Thursday Thank You is going to go to the Baker Park duck family.

And, they get an extra special thank you from the awesomely amazing Carol over at Junk Mail Greetings.

She creates the most absolutely perfect greeting cards, called Hate Mail, that I never ever want to live without again.


So here you have it, Ode to the Ducks.

Thank you and you're welcome.

Inside: (which I'm not even gonna bother to write since the little devils can't read anyway) Dear Psycho Park Ducks, Thank you for making my radio interview, my five minutes of fame, into five minutes of shame. After all of the illegal bread I have allowed my kids to slip to you. After the countless times I've saved your flea ridden necks from being bludgeoned by my one year old. After the time that I actually got down on my hands and knees and saved your stupidly placed egg by covering it with stray bramble! This is how you repay me?! By viciously mobbing my two, young, Pop Tart scented children? How could you? How dare you?! Had I not been engaged in an important on-air conversation I so would have chased you off. You are lucky my fowl little friend. Lucky. But, you're secret bread source is officially dried up. Consider yourself cut off. I'm not dealing with your kind anymore, and you can tell all your friends I said it. Don't let me catch you on the street. XOXO, Dumb Mom

Want to win a set of cards from Junk Mail Greetings?

Sure you do, so you can give them out to all of the ducks that eff with your kids.

All you have to do is:

1. Go visit Junk Mail Greetings and leave a comment telling me which card is the best.

2. Follow me.

Not hard at all!

This is a quick one: Contest open until midnight Friday (11/20/09).

Winner will be selected and posted on Saturday (11/21/09).


Alicia said...

hahahaa!! omg i can totally imagine you trying to talk to the radio station while being mauled by ducks!! BWAAHAA!! i love that you stayed on the phone!! oh man... let me know how the movie is... i won't be able to make it until next week! lame.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

There is NO WAY I can pick a favorite card. No way. But "special kind of crazy" and "there goes the neighborhood" are especially awesome.
I already follow you.

Mama B said...

Those cards are so funny, I wish my friends could take a joke because I love the asstastic one! Maybe I could use it to send my customer service complinats to Comcast....that would be funny!

Jennifer said...

I couldn't hear the radio thing. :( I didn't see yours in the list. But that sounds exactly like something that would happen to me. Like the day I HAD to take the baby to the doctor so I told my boss and forwarded the phones and every single time it rang the babe would be in the background, BLA, BLA, BLA, BLA, BLA, you know how they get louder and louder and louder. Yeah. That's what happened.

Life with Kaishon said...

Do you know that I haven't even read the books yet? I don't really know what is wrong with me! I think it is a disgrace. Seriously!

I hope you have the best time at the movie sans the little beasts!

Crystalin Dunn said...

Oh I am so on countdown: 3 hours and 20 minutes until I can forget I'm a mother of 4 children(1 of whom is old enough to be a Twifan herself) who should probably not be admitting to counting down to see a movie. I knew you would understand, though. OK, my friend, you seriously have the best stories. If you ever come to Puerto Rico, you SO have to tell me just so I can see how you roll in person, because your stories totally kill me! Really, I always think "Dang, I wish I was there!" Actually, I probably don't need to pee my pants any more than I already do. And congrats on your MEMORABLE radio debut!

Miss Dot said...

Holy cow! I'm emptying out my stationary drawer RIGHT NOW to make room for all the cards I'm going to have to buy from this dang lady! What a sense of humor! I can think of at least twenty people I need to send those cards to. Forget Christmas cards, I'm just sending those. Oh, and in response to which is my fav, I'm going to have to go with this one. I worked in probation for a while (juvenile probation, that is) and that card just makes me smile. Haha.

Anonymous said...

I am making Big Sis wait until Next Friday I hope it isn't as crazy then!!

Anonymous said...

I sent my comment off before telling you I would like the "After all these years that's the best you can do card." They are all so funny!! Hard to choose just one!!!

stepfabulous said...

I am just sayin' - I got to see New Moon last night!!!!!!!!!!! nananananah! LOL. You're gonna LOVE IT!

Anonymous said...

First off, Team Jacob is so pitifully small, that the teens behind you would not be OMGing too much. Second, you don't want to go to the opening midnight showing to be called the most derogatory term in the Twilight lifestyle "Twilight Mom." Not cool. Third, nice five minutes of fame. Forth, those ducks need to be on a menu somewhere.

stepfabulous said...

So glad you don't hate moi! I promise I am kind, I just had to do a little teasing to the blogs I read that are anticipating New Moon, tomorrow night, ya know - kinda giving them my full moon! LOL! :) I LOVE THE CARDS! OMG, I can't decide between YOUR A HOT MESS and GROW A PAIR - OMG, I can't wait to show my friends! Now if we can get certain ones dropped shipping to our enemies (like grown a pair) that would be fab-tastic! :) Cheerrios!

stepfabulous said...

PS. Just so you know, I was Team Edward until last night..... Now I am totally team Jacob - 17 or not, he's totally HOT!

stepfabulous said...


I follow, I want.... there for I am (or should be) the winner of the cards! BoooYa!

Los said...

I have a friend who is scared to death by ducks ... and he's a black-belt in karate ... weird.

Dan said...

Ducks and Geese are both hazards to on-air time. The ducks because they are noisy and the geese because they are viscous with those head knockers.

On the other hand, I'm with the ducks as far as going twi. {*grin*}

Proud to be Me-a wife, a mom, a student said...

hahahaha! great post! and way to go Twi-Expert Mom of the screaming!! :)

Maya said...

Hahaha! I'm sorry for your moment of notoriety. I think your plan to wait to see NM is a good one. I'm hoping the theatre is pretty empty Wed. night when I go with one of my girlfriends (like my husband would ever want to go with me, hahaha!).

~ MarfMom

Summer said...

You are so totally FAMOUS!!!!

I won't be seeing the movie, as I haven't read the book.

I'm not into crack. =)


But, I still adore you!

SoozyQue said...

Love these cards! One of my favorites: You Say 'Tomato'. I Say 'Shut The Hell Up'.

Love the blog!

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

I saw the movie tonight and totally loved it! And it was reasonably uninterrupted even though the theater was packed (mostly with Cougars, very few teeny boppers). But it was funny because we all exhaled and sighed at the same time and at one point, we all laughed at the same time (there is one slightly awkward scene that was hilarious). But on the whole, it was just magical.

angie said...

I saw a 1pm showing and the theater wasn't even half full. :) What did you think? Did you see the trailer for the other movie he's in that's coming out in December?

When did I become my Mom said...

oh my gosh i love the junkmail cards! GROW A PAIR! Love it!

When did I become my Mom said...

Oh and next time do what I do. Barricade yourself in a room, then when they inevitably break in, shoot them a baleful look, then keep running away from them and pretending nobody can hear them. They get tired after a while.

So I hear.

Mama B said...

You know I think your funny, but if you need more ego rubbing, I added you to my Sunday Funnies list:

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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