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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wordful (Time for a Change) Wednesday

It's been quite some time since I've needed to formerly address a child old fashioned letter style.

But, lately, #3, he's been asking for it.

Begging for it really.

After compiling the evidence (included below) I've come to the conclusion that the kid is definitely lacking in a few key areas.

Immediate changes are required to set him straight.

That's where I come in.

I may have been (slightly) neglecting my motherly duties when it comes to basic home training of #3.

But, them days are gone! Ova! Finished! Through!

It is time that he make a few adjustments if he's gonna continue his coahbitation with the residents here at Casa de Dummies.

I, on the other hand, do not intend to make any changes whatsoever. Because, life, life is about adaptation and it's high time this kid had a lesson in that.

Get in where you fit in kiddo.

Dear #3 (and friends),

Please make note of the following changes, effective immediately.

1. Change in management. Until further notice, residents under the age of 18 are not permitted to appoint themselves to managerial positions. Due to the numerous egregious acts committed during periods in which underage residents had assumed such positions, only adults (meaning myself and sometimes Dumb Dad on the occasions when I am unavailable) will be permitted to make decisions for the household.

This includes all dispute resolution:

Furniture rearrangements:

And, extracurricular activities...

2. Change in liability. Ii is hereby proclaimed that all residents who participate in reckless activity are subsequently ineligible to place the blame of any injury they incur while engaging in said activity on Dumb Mom or her representatives (this is not to include Dumb Dad as it is widely understood that a large number of the injuries resulting from harebrained ideas are indeed his fault).

Basically, if you do this...

Or this...

And you wind up like this...

It is not my fault.

3. Change in boundaries. Although the fact that a lock was placed on the gate was meant to be an unspoken agreement that underage residents would not trespass into the surrounding grounds, apparently the following needs to be explicitly stated to avoid further confusion. Underage residents are not to leave the home without explicit notification that doing so is permitted, nor are they to do so without direct adult supervision.

Should a resident be found like this...

He shall, for a to-be-determined amount of time, be relegated to this...

Don't play games with me Mister.

I am the truth.

4. Change in uniform. Underage residents shall be issued a standard uniform comprised of a trendy shirt, cute pants, and sensible shoes. Unacceptable attire includes, but is not limited to, items of clothing that are too small, filthy beyond recognition, uncoordinated, unsafe, specifically meant for the celebration of particular holidays, or from the closet of Napolean Dynamite.

Please take note of the following examples that must be removed from your wardrobe immediately (meaning, you may no longer wear them EVERYDAY!).

5. Change in accommodations. Please disregard previous communications indicating that this is an inappropriate venue for daily activity. It has been approved and can be used as a "playroom" immediately.

Also, please note that Casa de Dummies will no longer be providing underage residents with eating utensils, flatware, or paper products for cleaning. They are a severe waste of funds and have been deemed unnecessary as they consistently go unused.

Wipe it on your shirt, pal, it's what you normally do anyway.


Crystalin Dunn said...

I totally agree with your stance. I believe our most valuable teaching tools are "Because I said so", "Because I'm the mom", "No you can't ask me why", "If you even think about giving me attitude I'm gonna(fill in creative type of corporal punishment)", and of course, my favorite and most effective parenting tool for helping my kids see the error of their ways and the rightness of mine: "Go to your room until you can calm down(aka accept my verdict with complete enthusiasm)". Ahhhh, sometimes I'm amazed at what a gifted parent I am. :)

parentingBYdummies said...

Crystalin- I think you should write a book, about parenting. You got skizzils, dude!

blueviolet said...

So much easier to say than do. Am I right, little mama?

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OMG! I'm laughing too hard to leave a coherent comment!



Carol said...

LOVING the cage. Loving it.

Shell said...

So funny!

I think I need to make a similar list for my 4 and 3 year olds...before they start teaching the baby all their tricks.

TubOfLard said...

Those Napolean boots were starting to grow on me.

SupahMommy said...


Jennifer said...

Oh my gosh. This is so appropriate and perfect that I'm really not sure how to respond. You have outdone yourself my friend. Bravo!

Angela said...

Why do they love the crate so much?! I just don't understand! Haha. Everything you wrote is so true for me. :)

Mira is triplet crown said...

Despite my best efforts it seems my kids end up walking out of the house looking like white trash at least once a week. And they're not even in charge of what they wear yet. It's the sudden 2 inch growth spurts and random eating habits that does this. Not the fat that I'm too harried to notice. Not at all.

Stina said...

hysterical post. great pictures. i agree with you on all points and will start to implement your guidelines in my home. we all need a little structure and discipline. happy WW and take care.

Sherean said...

OMG, I am DYING LAUGHING. Hilarious post, great pics!

Anonymous said...

Soo funny I love how you see the world and how you put things!! Too clever!!

I am Harriet said...

Too funny. They're so cute :)

Miss Dot said...

You bring me to tears I laugh so hard when I read your posts. Oh how I wish I could be a fly on the wall in your house. I love your rules and hope that they are wholeheartedly accepted as law. If they are not, though, I am excited to see follow-up posts about just how much they are NOT being accepted. BAHAHAHAHA.

Alicia said...

hahahaaa!!!! omg i love those pictures! and what is it with kids and dog crates?!!? mine do the same thing! i'm more than happy to leave them in it.....just sayin'

Muthering Heights said...

LOL, this is a funny little addendum!

kys said...

This was hysterical! You are good.

Anonymous said...

They say that we parents are more relaxed with the baby of the family than with the others. I think it is high time to change that. Starting tomorrow, Sean will have to give up sword fighting as it always leads to an older brother injury. Mean Moms Unite!

angie said...

Ok. Seriously. Stop. I'm loving this post so much. Liability.....if this than this......change of management. Genius!

I never feed ducks at parks because when they get too close they scare me. Badly.

I need to listen to your voice hear these ducks now.

I'm also waiting to see New Moon. I don't think I can handle sitting with teens one, two and three. :)

Honey Mommy said...

What a crack up! This totally reminds me of my two boys... the littlest one in particular.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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