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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Diaper Guide


Effective Immediately!

I know we have discussed this issue in the past. However, due to recent developments and the inability of certain members to adhere to the originally stated diaper changing protocol, changes to the procedures are being made.

Please make note of the new standards regarding diaper changes. These will be implemented immediately. Your cooperation is expected and appreciated.

1. No shows of righteous indignation. I did not stink up your pants at the exact moment we put on your shoes and stepped into the yard for a play. You did. So the running, screaming, and kicking is completely unwarranted. These behaviors will only be expected and tolerated when I actually am guilty of dropping a mad dooce in your pamper and blaming you for it. Until then, I ask that you immediately cease and desist with the desperate shows of violence. The neighbors are staring, and you. Look. Ridiculous.

2. No physical intervention. During the changing of your doocies, you are no longer permitted to take that time to explore your nether regions. I find such behavior annoying, disgusting, and down right embarrassing. And, locating your man parts, giving them a jingle, and then laughing out loud is awkward for me, particularly when you engage in such behavior while lying spread eagle on the changing table at the mall. So, please, stop it.

3. Diaper must remain intact. As you are quite frequently in a hurry to return to whatever mischief you were involved in before I abducted you to perform some basic personal hygiene, I find it counterproductive that you consistently rip the tabs off of the pamper so that I can not attach it. This just causes me to spend additional time locating a replacement. Also, this is a recession, my friend, so I'd appreciate it if we could all be a little less wasteful. Two diapers per change is in no way cost effective. If such behavior continues I will be forced to attach the diaper to your heiney with duct tape, and I don't think that will be a hit with the 2 and under set.

4. Toy assault is prohibited. I give you the toy so that you may be entertained (and distracted) while I do my booty duty. I find it highly offensive that you feel the need throw it in my face, beat me with it, or use it as an assault weapon in any way. Additionally, it is inappropriate and unhygienic to use the toy in place of your hands as a pleasure item. Rubbing it around "down there" has got to stop. From this point forward, for health reasons, all inanimate objects that come into contact with your man pack during diaper changes will be immediately placed in the sink for sterilization.

5. No reintroduction. Soiled diapers are to remain in whatever waste receptacle I place them in. It is unacceptable to dig them out of the trash, open them, and explore their contents. Furthermore, hiding the contents in your closet so that they may be discovered at a later date is borderline criminal and will not be tolerated in the future.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Currently, I am not at liberty to discuss the consequences for not abiding by these rules. But, let me tell you, Mister, I mean business.

107 comments:

Shawn said...

Bwahahahahahaa! You tell 'em girl!

Moms On The Go said...

Great Blog,I'm stopping by from MBC 100's. Added you to my blog list :)

The Rambler said...

GREAT GREAT post!!

Fricking Hilarious!!

Tsquared417 said...

I am totally stealing these rules!! LOVE IT!

TKW said...

You are hysterical! I particularly identify with the NO reaching down and playing with the doocie while I'm changing you. That is just a foul thing and both my girls thought it was hilarious.

Love it!

Katy said...

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Congrats!

Cassie said...

OMG!! Funniest post EVER!! And, this is what I have to look forward to with my 4 month old son?!?!

HILARIOUS!!!!

Rae Ann said...

Oh, thank God! I'm not alone! I have had to institute a 'hands up!' policy during diaper changes or my son will explore his man grapes the *whole* time! Great/hilarious post!

I'm following you from the MBC Under 100 Club. I love your blog!

PS - I dropped you an award over at my site. Go pick it up!

http://criticalmassachieved.blogspot.com/2009/04/queen-of-alll-things-awe-summm.html

Kathy B! said...

#2 killed me! I only have girls so I didn't get the pleasure of dealing with this, but I can see where it might get old :)

ck said...

I have to second KBexclamationpoint - #2 is HILARIOUS. Hard to imagine, but sooo funny.

faemom said...

LOL I have this great ankle-grab technique that I can actually flip the child back on his back when he rolls to make his get-away. And where's the rule where they can't take off their diaper and run nakes, peeing over everything? Or did I miss it?

parentingBYdummies said...

I've abandoned rules re: nakedness. It is permitted since I'm convinced that I am living in a nudist colony.

dianne.self said...

Now that is a banner even Mimi can love.

CJ Sime said...

So funny! My particular favs: the phrase booty duty,and "the neighbors are staring and you. look. ridiculous."

hee heee

SAHM4now said...

That is great! At this moment I am thanking my stars that I have girls.

Random Life Particle said...

Absolutely Hilarious! I am so there with my 2 year old! #2 is so hilarious and I see it so often.. but when I read it.. I was picturing it and laughed so much that I had tears in my eyes.. I just needed this laugh. Thanks.

otherworldlyone said...

Hahaha! Priceless!

brenda said...

Is this what I am in for? HA!

"Booty duty." - love it, mind if I borrow it?

kathryn said...

OMG! Too frickin' hilarious!

Atlanta said...

Stopping By From SITS. I hate to say, I feel ya. Boy do I feel ya. I came out to the Living room to find my son dangling his sisters cabage patch rattle from his little wanger! WTH is with that? Good Lord are they born with it burned in their brains that it is a good thing to hang stuff from it? See how much it can hold? sheesh. I just dont know. Congrats on FB!

a_healthier_me said...

I remember those days. Thank goodness my son is out of diapers . . . about 11 years out of diapers, but those are memories that stick with you!

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! That is all I have to say! It's sad that this really couldn't be further from the truth. The jiggling things around...yeah, I'm over that too. It's not so funny anymore and we all know it's called a Pee-Pee. Let's just leave it alone. One of the greatest posts I have read in awhile!

confessionsofacountrygirl said...

too funny! Stopping by from SITS! :)

CoffeewithZooly said...

Very Funny! The jiggling bit some don't stop even when they're all grown up! Its up to the mum's of the world to right this habit there on the changing table

MrsM said...

That's awesome! Again, our Baby Bug is guilty too. She's just discovered how to take her diaper off and pee in/under/behind things.

Fun fun!

Moms Fighting Fat said...

Hysterical...I'm with those "I remember those day posters" and am so glad they are finished. :-)

Stopping by from SITS!

she's so blog. said...

ahahaha. love it. gonna add you for sure. happy FB day.

im new & lookin for blog buddies. follow me & ill follow you. im loving the SITStah hood!

Helen McGinn said...

ROTFL! Classic. Now, think about me, doing this with TWO BABIES on the changing mat.....yup, I learned my leasson pretty quickly...*L*

Elizabeth said...

That was hilarious. I'm going to hang onto this and post it in my son's nursery when he gets bigger so he understands the rules. :)

Yaya said...

I'm a nanny and the 2 yr old went through a phase of taking off her diaper at naptime and leaving "presents" in her crib. We took to duct taping her diaper on. Seriously.

Melissa said...

So funny... and true! Just got one out of diapers and can't wait to begin again!

susan said...

lol - hysterical. thanks.

happy sits day!

confused homemaker said...

the joys of diaper changes & by joys I mean anything but.

Mountain Mama said...

Oh my goodnes, you've found dirty diapers hidden in the closet! I would have suspected my husband.

Don't forget every baby boy's great trick, peeing while the diaper's being changed.

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

(and so glad after three kids I'm DONE with diapers!!!)

Ungirdled Passion said...

Glad you can keep your sense of humor while doing the pulling diaper doo-dy! Happy SITS!

Creative Junkie said...

OMG - this cracked me up! I am loving your sense of humor!

Cher said...

You tell em!!

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

OMW...that is too much!! I think I would freak out if I found a dirty diaper in the closet. I have no sense of smell (none!), so it might be awhile before I found it. ;)

roadrunner201 said...

OMG! #2! My son is only 9 months old and already we are fighting this battle!
Such a funny post about a topic I usually do not find funny!

P.S. We won't have the tab tearing problem because we cloth diaper and if he is strong enough to tear THOSE tabs off, then he better not be in diapers anymore!

Bella Crafts said...

Beyond funny! You've captured the little details of "kiddie" reality just perfectly :)

Smitten by Britain said...

Thanks for reminding how glad I am that these days are over.

Life of a Stepmama said...

Hilarious!!!!!! I love your blog, you are too funny!!! I was laughing out loud at my desk!

La Belle Mere UK said...

Very funny!

Happy SITS day!

B x

The Redhead Riter said...

Very, very funny!

Scrappy Girl said...

Funny! I am so glad we are almost potty trained and only use diapers at night now. Maybe now I can grow some nails!

Rose said...

Yeah...I have a two year old who loves his diaper off. and he likes to jiggle his tee-tee and say look momma. He is sooo proud! Hilarious post!!!

Reluctant Housewife said...

Hilarious!

Mommys Online Garage Sale said...

You are too funny!

Joy said...

You seriously SLAY me. Seriously!

{ROFL}

Happy SITS day to you!

Laura said...

No diapers needed at my house anymore Yeah!!

Mighty M said...

I'm going to implement these rules, stat!

Michelle said...

I SO LOVE IT when I read about mothers with boys who do the same thing my little man does. What is it with the nether regions????

Amy said...

vThis is too funny...

Amy said...

vThis is too funny...

Lolli said...

Can i just say that I am so happy that we are done with the diaper stage?!

Tonya said...

Too funny!

Rbarakat said...

LOL! This is too funny! Gotta love those baby boys! BTW your boys are gorgeos!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

I'm in agreement -- totally! Especially on #4&5 ... don't kids get it?! Sheesh! Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight today.

Brandy said...

LMAO!! Now if only the babies understood.

Amy said...

You are so funny! I love it... if only it weren't true. Well, at least the memo is out, right? Hopefully said actions will stop and adherence to the menu will begin soon.

aforestfrolic said...

Another hilarious post, I love it...although I have girls so I might have to change up the rules a bit, tee hee. Happy SITS day!

Jamie :)

Robin said...

Oh whoa.....Yikes! :-)
I am so glad my diapering days are long gone.

Susan said...

If my son could read, I'd be posting these on his wall!!! Too funny

Krafty Kristy said...

OMG Hilarious I need to print this and post it on my wall. LOL great post.

Courtney D said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!! Fantastic stuff, Lady!!

supah ~d said...

pmp LAUGHING.

sits friend again...

again.. not right.

can we all discuss this?


d

BlogBaby said...

I bow down at your awesomeness.

Can you please put these rules into contract form for my little one to sign in her own poop? Thanks.

BlogBaby's BabyMama

Stereos and Souffles said...

Good times. Happy SITS day!

Jessica said...

If only they'd listen!

Ashley said...

I love this!

Pricilla said...

Happy SITS day.

Makes me glad I'm a goat.

Ashley said...

Haha! I love it!
Have a wonderful SITS day full of pleasant diaper experiences! :)

Kris said...

I am so with you on these, especially the jiggling of the man parts and laughing. Happy SITS day!

greedygrace said...

LOL! This should be posted above changing tables everywhere!

Marrdy said...

I actually used to use duct tape. You are so funny!!

Kristin said...

That is one of the funnies posts I've read! I actually laughed out loud!! Love it!

Girly Do's said...

Rofl- I am so there with you.

Playground for Parents said...

Funny and gross. Doesn't get much better. I suggest you start a manual for new parents, impart a little wisdom to the newbies.

shortmama said...

Love it! Now if only they would cooperate!

Jessica said...

You are hilarious!!

Mimi said...

Oh Bravo! Perfect

Kekibird said...

Congrats on being the SITS FB! And this is hilarious. Especially the playing with the parts, part. That's so embarrassing but it makes me giggle which makes me even more embarrassed....sigh.

Becky @ Our Sweet Peas said...

Hysterical! Boys, whatta ya gonna do? :)

Jen said...

Visiting from SITS! I am so there with you. Why does diaper changing time always have to turn into a wrestling match?

Aubrey said...

Oh how HAPPY I am that there are NO MORE diaper days in my life.

This was pretty funny!

K said...

I also get to change at toddler male daily.

It can be quite an adventure.

The818 said...

I'm a little frightened right now.

Sarah Brown said...

Too funny....almost done with diapers here and so not going to miss them!

Mel said...

This is awesome! LOL Oh boy, I will remember this every time I change a diaper from now on.....:) It's so true, though! Everyone one of the rules on your list, I can totally relate to....LOL

Kristen said...

Oh no! He didn't do all of that? You are a saint...

Rachael said...

HILARIOUS! Happy SITS day!

Mama Mel said...

OMG! SO FUNNY! LOL! I can definitely relate to #1, 2, and 4, but not 3 or 5 yet... Hopefully I won't have to deal with those ever! 1, 2 and 4 are bad enough! Thanx for the laugh! :)

TR Hughes said...

Okay -- so never been there, done that...but is still funny even to a "puppy mom" and "step mom" that never had to change a diaper in her life!

SugarandSpice said...

I swear that ALWAYS happens...you get them dressed and ready to leave and.......

Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents said...

*Sigh* This is too funny!

I am now on Round 4 of diaper changing. My 2 girls are grown, and now have 2 grandkids. Getting used to diapering using elbows & knees again - I only have 2 hands!

Happy SITS day!

C. Beth said...

HA!!! I love it! And totally relate.

Little Miss Baker said...

girl you are cracking me up! I love it! Happy SITS Day!!

Michelle (hometc) said...

Do these rules apply to grandpa also?

Sarah said...

OMG! This is awesome!! I'm going to share your link with my mommy friends so they can laugh too. Great blog!!

Happy SITS day!

theselfloveproject said...

lol!! you are too funny..

Peyton said...

you should sell framed copies of this post to decorate changing tables across the world with! LOVE IT! I'd buy one.

Kristin said...

The kicking is my favorite part. Ah ha. Happy SITS day!

Lani said...

OH SO TRUE! Great post.. happy sits day:)

Zeemaid said...

that is hysterical and sadly all too true. Hurry up and potty train already, am I right? *LOL*

happy sits day!

piecemeal people said...

Wow...he sure sounds fun. ;)

I wish I could say that the jingling of man parts abates with time, but my almost four-year-old routinely asks for "nakey time," which can be directly translated to "play with my junk relentlessly" time.

(It appears you have two older boys as well. So you probably already know this.)

Maureen said...

Ah! The joys of changing boys diapers! Girls will wrestle you and try to get up, but at least they don't go grabbing down there and don't pee on you. Though my youngest seems to pee every time I let her go one second w/o a diaper. Then she looks around and down at like it is the most fascinating thing to ever happen.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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