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Friday, March 27, 2009

Hey Mister!

Seriously, dude.

Do you enjoy spending your day in a urine soaked diaper?

Is sitting in a rancid pile of hot garbage smelling excrement your idea of good times?

'Cause if that's what you're into, just let me know.

I will relinquish my post as chief butt wiper posthaste.

Do you not enjoy the silky softness of a clean, dry diaper?

Isn't this $34 prescription diaper cream soothing to your tender, raw hind quarters?

Then what is with the kicking?

And, why are you screaming like that?

Really. The kicking has got to stop because that freakin' hurts!

It's really hard to wipe the crap offa your butt when you are arching your back and doing that crocodile spin thingy.

Look! Now it's on the CARPET!

We don't have to change your diaper so much, but if you insist on going around smelling like the dead, then you are going to spend the day on the porch, Mister.

Please, sweetie. Just let Mommy change your diaper.

I really don't want your diaper rash to get worse. It's so bad already.

I'm sorry if it hurts. I'm so, so sorry.

But. You. Have. To. Hold. Still!

I'll make you a deal. You don't drop a deuce every hour, and I won't run around behind you with my wash cloth and tub (wipes irritate it more so, soap and water it is).

Or, even better. Why don't you just say potty and that'll solve both of our problems.


Anonymous said...

Potty! Potty! Potty! For mommy's sanity anyway....Burt's Bees Diaper Cream is the best!!

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Fond memories of the crocodile spin *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Yeeeeeah...our kids are pretty similar. My number two excels at the #2s and then takes it out on me (and everyone else within ear shot) when it comes time to peel the diaper from her rear.

It's a joy, really.

A privilege.

The Mother said...

Good luck on that potty training thing.

I have four boys. I am ashamed to say, I didn't potty train any of them.

I sent them to Grandma's, where they DID freakin' care if they stunk to high heaven or wetted her floor.

Jenny Penny said...

Strap a bucket on him, like a Clydesdale pulling a carriage, and call it a day. Don't you just wish?

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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