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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Plastic Me

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I am never going to bear a child again (at least, medical science says that I have less than a 1% chance of it happening, so I'm thinking that's a lot like never).

I always told myself that when my baby making years are over I was gonna start working on my body. Getting healthy, getting in shape, upping my sexy, all of that.

Now that I'm in the throws of a full body transformation by way of blood, sweat, and tears (in the form of counting points and working out), I am thinking that, although I have seen definitive progress, there are a few areas that, without medical intervention, will probably never reach a point at which I am happy.

I know many people are against plastic surgery for a number of reasons. But, I reject those reasons.

Even though I am proud of the fact that I have lost 30lbs and have gotten myself down to a healthier frame, I am still overweight (check my BMI, people), I am still unhappy with my appearance, and I am still suffering with one piece suit that features a full skirt and jacket (ok, no jacket, but close).

I don't want to obsess over this for the rest of my life, and barring a diet consisting solely of steamed cabbage and lukewarm water, I am never going to be able to accomplish what Dr. Nip Tuck can in just a few short hours (or less, not really sure how long these things take).

Call me conceited, call me vain, call me fickle, call me whatever you want. I'm sick of my fat stomach, my saggy tits, and my rotten butt cheese, and I'd like to do something about it, so here it is, my top five most coveted plastic surgery procedures (and yes, I would get more than five if I could).

1. Boob lift. They are chronically sagging around my midsection. Each morning, when I dress, I lift them up so that I may tuck my pants under them. And, for the record, I wear low waist jeans, so, yeah. I don't like that they look like a pair of panty hose with a lime in the bottom of each foot. I'm only 30, so there is no reason why I should look like this.

But I do. And, it's friggin' disgusting.

2. Implants. I want them to be a little rounder, firmer, and perkier. Refer to above photo for where I've been. And, below for where I'm going.

3. Back lipo. At present, I appear to have a pack of hot dogs stuck to my back, on each side. That is not natural. I'm interested in a smoother appearance as I'd like to be able to wear one of Old Navy's perfect fit shirts without showing off my bun length back weenies. I don't think that's too much to ask.

4. Tummy tuck. This is one of those things that no matter how much I work out or how much weight I lose, it's always gonna be there. The saggy, baggy, belly bag is not ever going to stop haunting me. I know that I can decrease it's size, but I can never fully rid myself of the thing, and no matter how small it gets, it will always be riddled with the most disgusting looking stretch marks. Please don't tell me it's a badge of honor from becoming a mother. It is not. It is a badge of ugly from becoming a fat mother, and I can do without it, thank you very much. Badges are dorky anyway.

5. Laser hair removal. I know, strange. But, let me just say that I am a hairy beast, no point in trying to deny it. The only non hairy places on me are the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. So, I'd like to get some work done on my stache and my brows (I look an awful lot like Al B. Sure). And, if money, time, and pain tolerance were no option I'd like to get my bikini area, my under arms, and my legs done as well. Might even throw in my arms, because honestly, those things are scary. Ever since Marley Nelson teased me to shame in the fourth grade, and I went home and shaved the crap outta them, they have not been the same.

So, there you have it. My plastic surgery dream vacation schedule.

I'm currently accepting donations to assist in funding these procedures. If I get up the nerve to post an actual photo of my tummy, you people will be begging me to take your money and get that bad boy fixed:).


MommaD said...

i love this post for so many reasons! i too am in the midst of saying goodbye to the childbearing years and loosing what i can of the extra baggage. but the boobs, the tummy, and the extra hair that carrying all the boy testosterone did to me...i could def use some tweeking to! my lil sis is prego with her first, and just got a stretch mark, oh poor baby!

Anonymous said...

I'm so with you on this wish list. Only I'd need to have the boobs added. Mine melted away...NOT COOL.

Kay said...

Well damn... I only wrote about my TOP wish. But your wish list pretty much matches mine. Boobs belong at chest height, not waist/thigh height. And hair removal? Oh, the thought of never having to shave ANYTHING again is enough to make me drool.

Bug, Bear, and Bo said...

If money were no wouldn't that be nice. I am so glad that I nursed my kids but when I see myself bra less I can't help but think formal couldn't have been that bad. And now that I am all done having kids I wonder what on earth I was thinking eating all that ice cream and pecan swirls while pregnant. No amount of crunches is going to make my extra skin disappear. And to be quite honest when I pass by two-pieces in the store part of my scowls and my beautiful kids.

Shannon said...

I SO hear you! I'm seriously considering starting my own tummy tuck fund! Babies did funny things to my - used to be pretty hot lookin' body! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and helping me feel a lil better about my baby turning four! :)

Bullfrogs & Butterflies Baby said...

Stopping by via SITS...too flippin' funny!!

Katy said...

I have just started my baby-making adventure (although, with the way this first one is panning out, she may also be our last), and I have always thought that these people who diet and exercise to lose weight before they have another baby are just CRAZY! You've got the right idea for sure.

So what if I have a little round donut under my belt for a few more years? I'm certainly not going to give up eating what I love now AND after baby #2, that's just silly!

By the way, congrats on losing 30 lbs! That is no easy feat!

WhisperingWriter said...

I know how it goes.

I also need a boob job and a lift. And I'd love liposuction. My poor gut needs it.

Carrin said...

YOu have a funny way of looking at things. I was laughing out loud!

Congrats on losing the weight. That alone is a great accomplishment.

And I think anyone who doesn't want plastic surgery of some type is just a little weird. There is always something we don't like about our selves.

TKW said...

I am laughing so hard about the pack of hot dogs! That's hysterical!

Sign me up for the tummy tuck and the laser hair removal...she was a hairy bear, she was a scary bear...

Summer said...

You do know if you get all that done, you'll be required to have more sex. A lot more sex. And aren't we just too tired for that? =) I know I am!

Anonymous said...

IT's so hard to get back...even though I'm back to my "normal" stomach sure doesn't look like what it did before kids. Nothing does. I would totally get a tummy tuck...and I love my bun length back weenies!! Hilarious!!

tracy said...

Oh, that was a GREAT post. And yeah, me too... I have nothing against cosmetic surgery...except that the people on the food network seems to have it yearly. and that drives me bananas... other than that I say, go for it.

And I am so with you on the laser hair removal. omg... me too. Ive been thinking of putting a paypal donation button up for that.


Milk and Honey Mommy said...

I am probably at the end of my baby making journey, although I would rather not be here because I would love another child. Despite that fact, I have been taking notice of how "things and stuff" are no longer tight like they used to be many years ago. The big breasts escaped me during pregnancy and I have to look even harder to find them now. They shrunk.

I don't expect to get back to "normal," but accept my new normal, which isn't bad, but could be better. To get to better, I am going to start working out next month because I long to just be in better shape.


Anonymous said...

I was also craking up at "bun length back weenies" LOL.

I hear ya though. I wanted a tummy tuck even before I ever had kids. My hubby told me no way until we've had all the babies we're going to have. He's a smart man. I thought it was bad BEFORE kids. Wow, was I a deluded moron.

Congrats on the 30 lbs.!!!

A Psych Mommy said...

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I got the leg huggers! I'm gonna take a pic with Bean wearing them for a wordless Wednesday post. I also tagged you!

Rae Ann said...

I covet a boob lift, but fear the scarring. In my dream world, they would be able to remove my spare tire, but I think I might need a lap band for that!

otherworldlyone said...

"Bun length back weenies"...hilarious!

There are a few things I'd like to do too...but even if I had the money...I'd probably be too scared of the pain.

Gibby said...

I LOVE that cartoon!
I used to work for a plastic surgeon lifetimes ago, and I say...if you want it, go get it. Life is short and you might as well be happy. And like they say...if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. (Well, I don't know about your house, but that is how it is in my house!)

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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