Plastic Me

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I am never going to bear a child again (at least, medical science says that I have less than a 1% chance of it happening, so I'm thinking that's a lot like never).

I always told myself that when my baby making years are over I was gonna start working on my body. Getting healthy, getting in shape, upping my sexy, all of that.

Now that I'm in the throws of a full body transformation by way of blood, sweat, and tears (in the form of counting points and working out), I am thinking that, although I have seen definitive progress, there are a few areas that, without medical intervention, will probably never reach a point at which I am happy.

I know many people are against plastic surgery for a number of reasons. But, I reject those reasons.

Even though I am proud of the fact that I have lost 30lbs and have gotten myself down to a healthier frame, I am still overweight (check my BMI, people), I am still unhappy with my appearance, and I am still suffering with one piece suit that features a full skirt and jacket (ok, no jacket, but close).

I don't want to obsess over this for the rest of my life, and barring a diet consisting solely of steamed cabbage and lukewarm water, I am never going to be able to accomplish what Dr. Nip Tuck can in just a few short hours (or less, not really sure how long these things take).

Call me conceited, call me vain, call me fickle, call me whatever you want. I'm sick of my fat stomach, my saggy tits, and my rotten butt cheese, and I'd like to do something about it, so here it is, my top five most coveted plastic surgery procedures (and yes, I would get more than five if I could).

1. Boob lift. They are chronically sagging around my midsection. Each morning, when I dress, I lift them up so that I may tuck my pants under them. And, for the record, I wear low waist jeans, so, yeah. I don't like that they look like a pair of panty hose with a lime in the bottom of each foot. I'm only 30, so there is no reason why I should look like this.

But I do. And, it's friggin' disgusting.

2. Implants. I want them to be a little rounder, firmer, and perkier. Refer to above photo for where I've been. And, below for where I'm going.



3. Back lipo. At present, I appear to have a pack of hot dogs stuck to my back, on each side. That is not natural. I'm interested in a smoother appearance as I'd like to be able to wear one of Old Navy's perfect fit shirts without showing off my bun length back weenies. I don't think that's too much to ask.

4. Tummy tuck. This is one of those things that no matter how much I work out or how much weight I lose, it's always gonna be there. The saggy, baggy, belly bag is not ever going to stop haunting me. I know that I can decrease it's size, but I can never fully rid myself of the thing, and no matter how small it gets, it will always be riddled with the most disgusting looking stretch marks. Please don't tell me it's a badge of honor from becoming a mother. It is not. It is a badge of ugly from becoming a fat mother, and I can do without it, thank you very much. Badges are dorky anyway.

5. Laser hair removal. I know, strange. But, let me just say that I am a hairy beast, no point in trying to deny it. The only non hairy places on me are the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. So, I'd like to get some work done on my stache and my brows (I look an awful lot like Al B. Sure). And, if money, time, and pain tolerance were no option I'd like to get my bikini area, my under arms, and my legs done as well. Might even throw in my arms, because honestly, those things are scary. Ever since Marley Nelson teased me to shame in the fourth grade, and I went home and shaved the crap outta them, they have not been the same.

So, there you have it. My plastic surgery dream vacation schedule.

I'm currently accepting donations to assist in funding these procedures. If I get up the nerve to post an actual photo of my tummy, you people will be begging me to take your money and get that bad boy fixed:).