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Thursday, October 22, 2009

It's a Playground

not an ashtray, or a toilet, or a king sized vibrating bed in a low budget motel.

It is a place where children, innocent C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N, go to play.

It's supposed to be safe, and inviting, and free of venereal disease transmitting debris.

So, in my infinite wisdom I've decided to compile a list of playground don'ts to help those less informed members of society learn to navigate a playground with ease and assurance.

(Please note that when I say "I've decided" that is to imply that Mama Kat decided when she selected the prompts for this week's Writer's Workshop. I know it appears that I am attempting to take credit for her bright ideas, but that is not entirely (partly, but not entirely) true. I'm convinced that since Mama K (my new term of endearment for her) and I met recently we are connected on a more existential level and that we are now sharing thoughts that other, regular people, are not privy to. It's like our brains are co-mingling at all times (which sucks for her because I'm sure that the constant images of JT shakin' his money maker are starting to make her ill). So, for future reference, just know that if Mama K comes up with a particularly awesome idea, you know, something super innovative and impressive, it probably really came from me.)

What Not to Do at the Playground (provided you don't enjoy being stoned)

DON'T SMOKE at the playground and leave the butt in the sand box so that my one year old picks it up and starts sucking on it while I'm Tweeting to @jtimberlake. I need other people to not behave like neglectful, inconsiderate losers so that when I'm feeling like doing so there aren't so many dangers lying around to make it impossible.

DON'T HAVE SEX at the playground and leave the condom (although round of applause for safety!) in the sandbox so that my one year old picks it up and starts sucking on it while I'm Tweeting to @jtimberlake. Okay, he didn't actually get it into his mouth, but he did have it filled with sand and was attempting to bat at other children with it.

DON'T LET YOUR DOG DEUCE in the grass adjacent to the playground. I have a really bad habit of forgetting #3's shoes at home and then letting him run barefoot through the park. Allowing your rat-tailed mutt to leave his excrement in random places causes me to swear loudly when #3 slips in it. So now, not only am I being ostracized for having a sh** footed toddler, but I am being glared at for my creative expression as well. I mean the bags are RIGHT. THERE.

DON'T PUT YOUR DOG ON THE SLIDE. It's just ridiculous and when my kid punches your dog in the throat because it lumbered into his personal space, don't look all aghast at me. Your bad. It clearly states that this playground is for C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N between the ages of 0 and 12, and for the record people-who-haven't-had-kids-yet-but-like-to-pretend-their-pets-are-their-babies, if it didn't actually slide outta your vajayjay or get ripped from a seriously-this-feels-like-I've-been-cut-in-half hole small incision in your belly, it's not your baby*!

DON'T TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE the entire time. Seriously, I'm all for taking a short call or whatever, but what do you think texting is for? Obviously it's to prevent you from annoying the crap outta me at the park while you use that I'm-being-cute-and-playful-in-my-mind-but-it-sounds-really-effing-whiny-to-the-rest-of-us voice to talk your husband into letting you get the nanny an extra day each week. Please know that when my kid hands your kid the sand filled condom I'm not even gonna bother to knock it outta her hands.

DON'T FORGET TO READ (between) the signs. If there is a huge sign posted that says no skateboarding, rollerblading, or rollerskating on the play structure I think it's safe to assume that means your obnoxious, loudmouthed, way-too-big-for-jungle-gym-play son should also refrain from riding his Razor up and down the bridges. And, the fact that he got caught on my foot and took a mean header immediately after he rolled over #3's fingers is so not my fault it's not even funny.

DON'T FLAUNT YOUR GOODIES. I know, it's a public place and you and your kid are allowed to enjoy whatever culinary delights you desire, but I've been eating lettuce and water all week (trying to fit into my grown up pants again) and you're killing me with the cookies. Plus, #3's new "song" is the cookie song ("I wub cookies, I wub cookies, I WUB COOOOOOOKIES!"), which gets progressively louder as it's sung repeatedly until his affection for cookies is rewarded with one. So, unless you're planning on sharing soon, you might wanna get outta here with those.

DON'T MENTION THE WORDS NANNY, SPA, OR POTTY TRAINED anywhere near us. These or sore topics and it would just be mean.

DON'T SPREAD THE SWINE. I know, I'm buying into the paranoia here, but seriously, if your kid looks like he's carrying the plague how about you just pretend he is and keep him home. And, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. We were just at the park yesterday and #3 started coughing. The mom of the girl next to him swooped in and put a SARS mask on her kid. Okay, she didn't really, but she did get out the hand sanitizer and go to work on those fingers. I made sure #3 planted a wet one right on her hand before we left!

Feel free to print these off and share them with all of your friends and family; it takes a village and moms like me will thank you.

Speaking of thank yous (subtle, right?!)...

I need to award this week's Thursday Thank You.

It's going out to a very special someone who I'm sure will never have sex on a playground again (KIDDING!)...

Justin Timberlake!

And, I'm only doing this because I think you're awesome, and I'm all drooly over you right now, and I want to share your undeniable awesomeness with the 3 people who read this blog.

Thank you, and you're welcome!

Dear Justin,
Thank you for inviting me to your concert (you Tweeted it, that totally counts). I was so happy that your charity event corresponded with my blogging event last weekend. I really enjoyed being a part of such an important affair (you workin' the floor) and am proud to say that I donated to such a valuable charity. I had a wonderful time with you and your friends, especially at the after party. You know, when we shared our moment?! I'm sure you remember it just the way I do: I was shakin' what my mama gave me (you know, trying to catch your eye), you noticed (how could you not, I was seriously doin' my thang) and rewarded me with that sweet smile (the one that obviously was meant to say that you love me), I rewarded you with a loud scream and a ridiculous little jig (although, since I was submerged in water up to my knees, I doubt you saw that, and I'm hoping you didn't catch a glimpse of my girdle either, I'm a little concerned about whether or not my wet dress had become transparent in the water). Now that I'm back home I hope you don't mind that I continue to interact with you. I plan to Tweet you regularly, from the park, while my kid plays with a dirty condom, cigarette butt hanging from his lips, and a mangy dog humping the crap outta his leg. Hope you don't mind. XOXO, Your oldest Biggest Fan, Dumb Mom

I've decided to break this note into a series of 140 character Tweets, nothing like killing him with kindness!

And, if you want to learn more about Justin Timberlake's charity concert, feel free to check him (and me, one of my @thenagainphoto Tweets actually made it on his site!) out here:

*Adopted offspring are meant to be included in this definition as well, point is, dogs, cats, and other furry friends don't count.


ck said...

Yeah, seriously. Dogs OFF THE SLIDE. And while we're at it, dogs ON the leash, regardless of how hard-core you've trained them. Squirrels happen. Often at parks. And some kids are just scared of dogs in general, so do a mom a favor (especially when she's watching another person's child at the park) DON'T LET YOUR DOG RUN THROUGH THE SANDBOX.

please and thank you.

Tammy Howard said...

Did all this stuff really happen? People have no sense, I tells ya.

(P.S. - you're awesome...)

parentingBYdummies said...

Thank you, Tammy, and yes. This stuff all really happened, except I may or may not have been Tweeting Justin at the precise moment it went down. I could have been texting, hard to be sure.

TuTu's Bliss said...

This was worth the entire box of tampons my daughter opened and destroyed while I read it. We will have the most "feminine fresh" and super absorbent "ghost" decorations in the neighborhood.

kys said...

People are idiots. I never cease to be amazed at the rude things they do. Condom in the sandbox???

PS I lurve JT.

Ms Perfect said...

Ewwwwwwww! People are absurd and dis-gust-ing!!

The Mrs. said...

this is hilarious and only because its so very accurate. really who would do these things... BUT PEOPLE DO! I might print this out and go post it to some trees at the park. although I doubt "those" people would read it. sigh.

ShellSpann said...


TKW said...

Shake that Moneymaker, Gorgeous! You are so hilarious...

Jennifer said...

Ok, I know you are awesome and all, but you really have to stop making me laugh this hard at work. It totally give it away that I'm not working when the snickering turns into guffaws and I fall off of my chair.

Jenners said...

Yes, yes, yes to all of this! I love it. We're always finding condoms at the playground ... I feel like doing a night patrol to bust all those "after hours" hijinks that go on when we're all at home sleeping. And the broken bottles. And the nasty words spraypainted and my son is asking me "Mommy, what does F-U-C-K spell?" Love this post!

Mama Kat said...

Dude. Stop talking about Justin. I throw up in my mouth a little each time I think about it.

Another playground don't.

If you are a man and you like to watch the children play but you have no actual children to care for at the playground. Just don't. We all think you're a pedophile.

golden girl said...

LOL! great post. i think your playground etiquette list needs to be displayed on a sign at every playground. thankfully, i have never had to deal with a condom fiasco, but have dealt with poo on shoe and cigarette butts. yuk! thanks for sharing and take care.

Kekibird said...

I'm dying over sides hurt from holding back the laughter. (Does that mean I don't have to go the gym at lunch because my abs hurt??) So awesome, these should replace the signs at the park. Well done!

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

Hahaha! Couldn't have said it better myself! The playground appears to be the new place for tweens to hangout to try to hook-up. Seriously, that's what the mall is for!

Love the blog....check out mine at:


Doodles said...

I completely agree as well as please at least pay some attention to your child so that when they hit my kid give her a bloody nose and she screams in their face you don't get uppity with me for my daughter who by the way is probably older just smaller than your brute is saying I don't like it when you hit me. By all means she should have just punched back. LOL

KnitterMama said...

OK--this was f@33ing HYSTERICAL! You should be getting paid for this

KK said...

Can I post those at work, too??

Orange Juice said...

I've totally been on a vibrating bed...only 10 cents a ride whoop!...that is 10 cents a rideon the bed, not me. ha!

that post was so friggin hilarious! awesome!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm going to throw up now.
My friend's daughter LOVES to pick up the tips of cigars and put them in her mouth. Guess what - when you blow into them, they whistle! Then I vomit.

SupahMommy said...

when my kid hands your kid a sand filled condom

fell over laughing

YUm. JT.

Anonymous said...

So that we're all clear, we're bringing back public stoning for certain crimes, like said crimes in the blog, right?

P.S. I missed you and plan on catching up on all your posts because I'm dying to know how Vegas went.

JR said...

A perfect Top 10. I can't think of anything else to add at the moment :)

Thanks for sharing!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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