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Friday, October 23, 2009

Where's the Beef?

I've got some fresh beef today.

I know, big surprise...Dumb Mom is ticked off about something. Big whoop!

But, I have to get it offa my chest.

It's the only thing I can do to prevent embarrassment for myself and my children.

I have to lodge a formal complaint against a couple of moms at my bus stop.

Micromanaging Mom. She is the one who is constantly ear hustling (aka eavesdropping) on her kids' conversations and interjecting herself into each of their interactions.

I'm sure we all know this person. She is the one who uses "actually" WAY too much and is constantly correcting every little detail my kid relates inaccurately, but somehow lets the fact that her kid just said the bus is 60 minutes late (I mean really? 60 minutes?) slip by unattacked.

Our resident version of this soothsayer is the worst when it comes to the games the kids play at the bus stop.

She's constantly with her directives and suggestions, "You can't stay on base the whole time, silly, that's a lot like cheating!" (only, it's not cheating and you're just ticked b/c my kid runs like a rocket and yours is slower than a bottle of frozen syrup), or "Why don't you all work together to tag him, so he doesn't have to do it alone?" (or, we could not do that since isn't that the very definition of being it? Sorta defeats the purpose if we do things your stupid head way), or my most favorite, "Jamie likes to be first, so why don't you let him go first today?" (and how is that different from every other day? Jamie is ALWAYS effing first).

I just think she's making things so much harder on her kid (and mine) than necessary.

And, the whole thing about it is that the kid seriously looks like Gene Wilder so the cards are stacked against him in the first place. He really needs to develop his personality and confidence if he's gonna get anywhere in this world and she is making it totally impossible for him to do that.

The other major bus stop baddie is Cootie Cat Shorts Mom.

This lady is an animal.

A trampy, hungover, do-you-honestly-not-even-own-a-pair-of-underwear, animal that trots her saggy booty to the bus each morning commando style in her too short shorts where she then proceeds to visually assaults us all.

I used to get all ticked because I thought she was lazy for driving to the stop (I mean, we live very near to each other and I walk, and I have two little ones to drag along with me, all she has is herself), now I just wish she would go back to her truck and stop this ickfest already.


And, call me biased or whatever, but the worst part about it is that it's a rotten excuse for an a**.

I'm all for showing a bit of tail if it's any good. I mean, I think everyone here knows that if I were a little hottie with a sweet a** this would be a whole other kinda website (huge believer of the if you got it, flaunt it school of thought).

But, hers isn't.

Hers is loose.

Not really big.

Just loose.

And loose is not good.

I'd rather be big than loose any day because loose is so, well, loose.

It's all flippy and flappy and, and, and gross.

I know what you're thinking, "Just don't look, Dumb Mom", "Just turn your head, you don't have to be all up on her like that, Dumb Mom."

And, I completely agree, but I swear no matter how hard I try to leave the stop first and high tail it home, for some reason she gets just enough ahead of me each morning that I can't catch her to pass, and then, there I am, stuck looking at waggy booty, flap home, dancing to it's own really annoying dance-party-techno soundtrack.

And, then there's Flustered Mom.

Chronically late to the stop, hustling half way dressed kids up the street at top speed, shouting her goodbyes quickly before she chase-scream-bustles her smaller ones (that she didn't even bother to take outta their footie jammies before she let them walk to the stop) back down the street upsetting all of the neighborhood dogs and leaving a trail of Poptarts and chocolate milk in her wake...

Wait a minute.

This one's me!

Never mind.

How about we take a minute to focus on this weeks awesome, totally on top of it mom of the week: Mira from Triplet Crown.

And, why does Mira deserve this week's So Not Dumb mom title?

Because she is the only person who responded to the call this week (although quite a few responded last week and the weeks before) for entries into PBD's Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest.


She entered this little cutie for a chance to win not only two $25 gift cards, but also 100 custom postcards from UPrinting.

Not sure what the rest of you are waiting for.

But, you should really get on it otherwise you are gonna be Annoying Procrastinating Mom, and let me tell you, from experience, she's the worst one of all!


Mimi said...

If you weren't my daughter, I'd adopt you. Love you Sweetie.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Hahaha! When you started describing "Flustered Mom" I thought, "Oh man, that's SO going to be me. That means she HATES me!"

But then you totally turned it around and I was all, "Whew!"

By the way, I agree about the looseness. Yuckity.

Jennifer said...

I was fixin' to say, Heeeeyyyy! I'm flustered mom. LOL. That first mom. I hate her. I hate all women like her. Her poor kid. But you know what. That is the easiest type of mom to play with. I really like to mess with people's head sometimes. But I'm kind of a bitch like that.

ShellSpann said...

Flustered mom is me too! At least I'm not saggy floppy a** mom!!! LOL

Mira is triplet crown said...

YAY ME! My baby's famous! I'm SO linking to you today sistah.

And I do understand the flappy booty problem. I find here in SF that the people who love to go naked in parades are NEVER the people who should. It's never a hot, tight piece of man or woman parading their everything for all to see. It's the flabby, flubby, can't turn your eyes away for the horror, victims of genetics or lack of exercise. What I wouldn't give for such a devil may care attitude.

kys said...

I'm kinda loose and jiggley myself but I cover it up. And suck it up in Lycra and Spandex, too.

LucyCooper said...

I'm always bewildered by High Heels Mom- the moms who wear heels to the playground. Why? Some occasions call for boobs and heels- usually, bars and restaurants. What kind of encounter can one hope for at the McDonald's Play Place that involves F*ck Me heels?

Alicia said...

hahaa!! i'm waiting for a picture of this epic derriere! she sounds...interesting! and man, i can't stand overbearing moms! doesn't she know she just gonna make her kid get beat up at school for it?!

Kathy B! said...

Thanks for the mental image of the loose ass. Just what i needed.

angie said...

Ah.......a flabby butt is hard to tear your eyes away from, isn't it?


As always, brilliant!

Mom of Three said...

Ok the Gene Wilder comment got a laugh from way deep in my gut. LOL. That poor poor kid. Come on dumb mom, give him a break. These might be the only good memories he might have cos by high school.....


DysFUNctional Mom said...

Don't hate on the Flustered Mom!
This is TOO funny! And I totally agree with you about "If you've got it, flaunt it". If I had the body, I would dress like such a little sl*t!

TuTu's Bliss said...

This is where I confess that not only have I not MADE my daughter's costumes I can't even decide what baby will be.

Loved your comment by the way. We get girl dirt they just layer lipstick, glitter and eye shadow over it while I'm trying to run the bath ;)

Stacey said...

Maybe the flapper needs to be introduced to Ms. Spanx. Please tell me she is at least wearing a bra.

Ms Perfect said...

Nah uh! You must look at the nastiness of the loose booty because its like a train wreck. Ya know? LOL You never let me down with your hilarious posts.

It Wasn't Me said...

This is the first time I have ever read your blog, but I have to say that your account of the moms at your bus stop had me trying to hide my giggles while at work. Thanks for the laugh.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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