I know, it's not really wedding season, but during wedding season, I'm sorta busy working at weddings which is where I get some really good insider knowledge about what NOT to do.
So, I'm gonna take some time on this week's RanDumb/Friday Fragments post to share with you some of my insider tips about how you (and by you I mean brides, grooms, wedding party participants, and guests) can easily eff up a wedding.
Apparently, people across the nation are plagued with being chronic Dont's and they consistently make other people's lives, um... difficult.
So, here you have it, from the unofficial, self proclaimed expert on what NOT to do:
RanDumb Ways to Ruin a Wedding (and you HAVE to visit the links or you won't get it!)
1. Don't: Pole Dance. Unless you earn your living by doing so, it is never, ever, appropriate to pole dance in public (if you have seen me doing this, please contact me immediately so that we may settle this privately. I will pay cash money for the destruction of any photos depicting me indulging in this
It is particularly inadvisable to do so at a wedding, unless of course it is your own. And then, it's still not advisable, but at least it's excusable.
Here's what could happen if you don't heed this warning:
Do: Make sure your health insurance is up to date. Because, should pole dancing jump off on your special day, instead of being whisked away on a romantic honeymoon, you may be getting whisked away to the emergency room to have your face x-rayed.
And you were so against that health care reform thingy!
2. Don't: Make it rain. Because throwing cash into a throng of pushing children could lead to your granny getting choked out. I mean, giving away free cash is just asking for an a$$ whoopin' isn't it?
Especially if you live in Tampa, Florida and have your shindig at The Rusty Pelican (seriously, their website says nothing about the Gangster Boogie Beating Package, but I hope it comes with a complimentary bottle of Alize!)
Really, you could even offend people so much that they have to get in their hooptie, drive across town, and deliver a personal beat down to you and your reveling wedding party. No invitation needed.
Do: Make sure you pack heat. Just in case things get crazy and you have to bust a cap in somebody.
Better safe than sorry, that's what I always say.
3. Don't: wear a stupid wedding dress. Because you could easily wind up on a website like this. And, then people like me find your slutty wedding photos, and post them on their blogs, and make you a prime example of what not to do.
No one wants that, do they?
Do: Just skip getting married. Chances are good that you aren't even gonna stay married anyway, so why bother? And, I'm not saying that because you wore a
Tons of people get divorced, not just people who look an awful lot like street walking whores.
4. Don't: Skimp on the photographer. When you do your pictures could turn out really bad, and awkward, and, for lack of a better word, ugly.
Then, for rest of your life, every time you look at them you will cry because you remember that you could have gotten a really good photographer, but you didn't because your cousin's boyfriend's sister just got a really good new camera, with the detachable lenses and all, and she said she'd do them for free.
Well, guess what, and I'm not just saying this because I am a photographer, it's NOT THE CAMERA!
Just because you have a really nice camera doesn't mean that you will automatically be able to produce really nice photographs.
Not how it works.
Do: Hire a good photographer. Like me!
Or someone way, way, WAY better like...
Beth (one of my favorite people to stalk on Flickr).
The Blonde Photographer (one of my favorite people to stalk on Twitter).
You'll be much happier because you won't have to wonder if that shadow under your nose is the result of bad lighting or bad waxing.
5. Don't: Get wasted. The common theme to all of this is that getting totally shredded at a wedding (or anywhere) rather you are the bride, the groom, or one of the other many participants, is largely to be avoided.
Weddings are shamefully expensive.
Drunk people do dumb things.
And, from what I can tell, the two things just don't go together well.
No one wants their two thousand dollar gown puked on, or their $750 cake smashed by their visibly intoxicated, 65 year old aunt who toppled it when she tipped over the table it was sitting on with her impromptu, topless table dance.
If you love someone (or yourself) you won't get sloshed at the wedding or even at the reception.
Because, it's all fun and games until somebody gets elected president*...
*This post was not sponsored by George Bush (although, I'm not entirely opposed to that, GB, have your people call my people) or any of the other individuals included. And, for the record, I'm totally fine with the former president getting wasted (so don't jump all bad on me my Republican readers), it's the fact that he's at a wedding (which will now forever be remembered for being the scandalous video recording sight, thank you very much) that bugs me!
Don't forget to enter here to win the fantabulous cards from Junk Mail Greetings. Have to get your name in the pot by tonight!