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Friday, November 20, 2009

RanDumb: Wedding Dont's

This week we are gonna discuss weddings.

I know, it's not really wedding season, but during wedding season, I'm sorta busy working at weddings which is where I get some really good insider knowledge about what NOT to do.

So, I'm gonna take some time on this week's RanDumb/Friday Fragments post to share with you some of my insider tips about how you (and by you I mean brides, grooms, wedding party participants, and guests) can easily eff up a wedding.

Apparently, people across the nation are plagued with being chronic Dont's and they consistently make other people's lives, um... difficult.

So, here you have it, from the unofficial, self proclaimed expert on what NOT to do:

RanDumb Ways to Ruin a Wedding (and you HAVE to visit the links or you won't get it!)

1. Don't: Pole Dance. Unless you earn your living by doing so, it is never, ever, appropriate to pole dance in public (if you have seen me doing this, please contact me immediately so that we may settle this privately. I will pay cash money for the destruction of any photos depicting me indulging in this ridiculously fun deplorable activity.).

It is particularly inadvisable to do so at a wedding, unless of course it is your own. And then, it's still not advisable, but at least it's excusable.

Here's what could happen if you don't heed this warning:

Do: Make sure your health insurance is up to date. Because, should pole dancing jump off on your special day, instead of being whisked away on a romantic honeymoon, you may be getting whisked away to the emergency room to have your face x-rayed.

And you were so against that health care reform thingy!

2. Don't: Make it rain. Because throwing cash into a throng of pushing children could lead to your granny getting choked out. I mean, giving away free cash is just asking for an a$$ whoopin' isn't it?

Especially if you live in Tampa, Florida and have your shindig at The Rusty Pelican (seriously, their website says nothing about the Gangster Boogie Beating Package, but I hope it comes with a complimentary bottle of Alize!)

Really, you could even offend people so much that they have to get in their hooptie, drive across town, and deliver a personal beat down to you and your reveling wedding party. No invitation needed.

Do: Make sure you pack heat. Just in case things get crazy and you have to bust a cap in somebody.

Better safe than sorry, that's what I always say.

3. Don't: wear a stupid wedding dress. Because you could easily wind up on a website like this. And, then people like me find your slutty wedding photos, and post them on their blogs, and make you a prime example of what not to do.

No one wants that, do they?

Do: Just skip getting married. Chances are good that you aren't even gonna stay married anyway, so why bother? And, I'm not saying that because you wore a trashy creative dress.

Tons of people get divorced, not just people who look an awful lot like street walking whores.

4. Don't: Skimp on the photographer. When you do your pictures could turn out really bad, and awkward, and, for lack of a better word, ugly.

Then, for rest of your life, every time you look at them you will cry because you remember that you could have gotten a really good photographer, but you didn't because your cousin's boyfriend's sister just got a really good new camera, with the detachable lenses and all, and she said she'd do them for free.

Lucky. You.

Well, guess what, and I'm not just saying this because I am a photographer, it's NOT THE CAMERA!

Just because you have a really nice camera doesn't mean that you will automatically be able to produce really nice photographs.

Not how it works.

Do: Hire a good photographer. Like me!

Or someone way, way, WAY better like...

Beth (one of my favorite people to stalk on Flickr).


The Blonde Photographer (one of my favorite people to stalk on Twitter).

You'll be much happier because you won't have to wonder if that shadow under your nose is the result of bad lighting or bad waxing.

5. Don't: Get wasted. The common theme to all of this is that getting totally shredded at a wedding (or anywhere) rather you are the bride, the groom, or one of the other many participants, is largely to be avoided.

Weddings are shamefully expensive.

Drunk people do dumb things.

And, from what I can tell, the two things just don't go together well.

No one wants their two thousand dollar gown puked on, or their $750 cake smashed by their visibly intoxicated, 65 year old aunt who toppled it when she tipped over the table it was sitting on with her impromptu, topless table dance.

If you love someone (or yourself) you won't get sloshed at the wedding or even at the reception.

Because, it's all fun and games until somebody gets elected president*...

*This post was not sponsored by George Bush (although, I'm not entirely opposed to that, GB, have your people call my people) or any of the other individuals included. And, for the record, I'm totally fine with the former president getting wasted (so don't jump all bad on me my Republican readers), it's the fact that he's at a wedding (which will now forever be remembered for being the scandalous video recording sight, thank you very much) that bugs me!

Don't forget to enter here to win the fantabulous cards from Junk Mail Greetings. Have to get your name in the pot by tonight!


Martha in PA said...

Happy Friday! I have not been to a wedding in a very long time. Next hope, my nephew... maybe?


Cat said...

"Do: Just skip getting married. Chances are good that you aren't even gonna stay married anyway, so why bother? And, I'm not saying that because you wore a trashy creative dress. "


Jen said...

this was a very informative wedding post. Kinda makes me wish I had read it years ago.

stepfabulous said...

That's why I got married in Vegas, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. :)

April said...

So with you on the don't get married thing!
In fact, I don't go to weddings altogether. With one don't, all the rest can be avoided.
Happy FF.

Confessions Of A Working Mom said...

HILARIOUS! And so true... Especially about slutty wedding gowns. I was watching "Say Yes To The Dress" a few days ago and there was a bride who wanted something very... "exposing". I just thought it looked tacky. Love your links!


Jennifer said...

This is all great advice. What is about weddings that make people go nuts? I'm guessing the booze.

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

Hahaha! All so very true.

You need to add "Don't let your MOM get drunk" too.

I once went to a wedding where the mom got so wasted, she basically started ripping on her own daughter to me and my hubby. Saying things like, "Her hubby has no idea how hard she is. She's stubborn and needs her own way. Good luck to him! Oh and she's on meds because she's not stable."

(Insert 'And why do you think we care?!' faces and 'Oh shit, what'd our friend just get into?!' thoughts).


Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Love your list! Why is it that some people do away with common sense when they're doing their wedding planning? Boggles the mind... ;)

Happy FF! :)

shopannies said...

loved the videos they were so super funny

Unknown Mami said...

Excellent advice. And here I thought pole dancing at weddings was a class act. I stand corrected.

Kristin said...

Dude, have I been living under a rock? I live in Tampa and heard nothing of that. So hysterical and frighteningly typical. Ah ha

Mrs4444 said...

Hard to believe anyone would be that drunk/stupid (pole dancer), but I guess anything is possible.

With any luck, I will never need another wedding photographer (though I would love to hire you :) As it is, the last one dropped the ball (but said it was my fault for not asking for one) when he failed to take any full-length photos of me in my dress. :(

Anonymous said...

I totally got hooked on that bad wedding site for a half hour and then I remembered I was doing something else. Yeah, like reading your blog. I really had to convince my brother and his fiance to get a good wedding photography. Because they were willing to blow wads of cash on the "perfect" location but save money on the pictures. "Dude, years from now, all you'll have to remember this day is the photos." "Well, the rings too, but I figure you'll loose those in the first year."

Social said...

The video of the pole dancer is actually a Heineken Know The Signs video -
The campaign is about acting responsibly when drinking. See more videos here -

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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