RanDumb Reality

Reality TV: my only real pointless-relaxing-pressure-free hobby. Back when I actually had more time to watch TV (aka before I added #3 to my client services list) I was into tons of reality shows.

Just to give you an idea of how serious I was about them, here is a condensed list of what I used to watch: Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, True Life, The Bachelor, Flavor of Love, Made, Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew, America’s Next Top Model, Hell’s Kitchen, The Apprentice, Last Comic Standing, The Simple Life, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and probably at least 5 others I’m forgetting.

And, these are just the shows that I tuned into for more than one season. This doesn’t include all of the ones that were like one season/episode watchers, like Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (which I loved trash-TV-aholic that I am).

In my defense, it’s important to understand that these shows weren’t all on at the same time so it’s not like I was just sitting in front of the television for hours on end each night. Okay, it was sorta like that. But, I always made it a point to get stuff done while watching, like folding laundry or finishing up a project (I used to scrapbook before I realized that I kinda sucked at it).

Now that I don’t have time to watch TV (and when I do it’s a waste of time because people are constantly interrupting and/or screaming so loudly I can’t concentrate) I also don’t have time for folding the laundry. Totally not my fault.

Anyway, I feel that my extensive background in reality television arts gives me the credibility to accurately critique reality TV appearances. That being said let me introduce you to two of the DUMBest most ridiculous examples of all time…

Norberto Guerrero (whose appearance is made even more hilarious by the comments of Simon Cowell; what will this world do without him on American Idol?)…

and, The General (who can thank the deterioration of modern hip hop music for making him into an Internet sensation)…

Reality Steve: the man behind the blog that has all the inside scoop on The Bachelor.

This guy is possibly the most well informed reality TV scoop dude on the planet.

He has predicted, I mean given FACTS (that’s what he says they are anyway) about the way the remainder of the season will shake out.

I am sincerely hoping that he is just predicting based on “a source close to the show” because if what he says happens actually happens I really will be telling Jake and ABC to take their wings and their love and shove it.

I’m not gonna give you any of his beyond-DUMB-better-not-be-true spoilers here. You have to follow this link and check them out for yourself if you wanna know.

Reality checks: something I avoid with a vengeance. Which is why, instead of eating more sensibly and exercising frequently, I have been attempting to Just Dance my a$& off.

Thanks to House Party (have you heard of them? They let you host super cool parties to tell all your friends about fun and awesome new products. So. Neat.) and Ubisoft, and Jell-O Mousse Temptations I got the Wii Just Dance game along with Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy (you know, it’s the one with the camera that scans your body with it's high techyness and then puts a duplicate of you, and your fat belly, on the screen so you can workout with Jenny).

The DUMB part about this whole thing is that while I devoured the mousse (it’s very tasty if you’re into chocolate, aka human) and I am all about the Just Dance game (see video below and try not to hate on my Britney skills) I haven’t gotten into the Your Shape game (the one actually designed to help me lose the thunder thighs jiggling to the beat of Womanizer in the video) like I need to.

I’ve avoided it mostly because I’m unmotivated (read lazy, tired, obsessed with chocolaty goodness, and hiding behind all the winter clothing I can find).

But, my inability to get my act together isn’t my only deterrent. The fact that Skinny Jenny is dancing around with me on the screen making me look like an even bigger lardy is a little annoying too. As petty as it sounds, I enjoyed working out with my Biggest Loser DVDs more because I knew that even though I look fat and uncoordinated and totally uncomfortable, they did too so it made me feel okay.

And, I-swear-I-used-to-be-fat Jenny isn’t the only thing keeping Your Shape in the box at Casa de Dummies. There is also the game’s exercise Nazi bleating on and on about how my arms aren’t in the correct position to contend with.

As I’m huffing and puffing and blowing myself down trying to keep up I’m also busy screaming at the television.

From what I recall I said something along the lines of, “HOLY CRAP YOU IDIOT STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MY BLOODY ARMS! DON’T YOU GET IT? I’M FAT! I’M DOING MY BEST! MY ARMS ARE ABOUT TO FALL OFFA MY BODY! SHUT UP ABOUT THE ARMS! GRRR! I’M DONE.”

I know that exercising with Jenny will probably help me to actually lose some weight (if I could get my stupid arms to cooperate), and I swear (totally pinky swear I’m gonna do it, I really am) that I’m gonna give her a real try starting next week, but in the meantime, this is just so much more fun…

(plain old) Reality: which sucks. Big time.

Not for me, and maybe not for you.

But, definitely for the people suffering in Haiti right now.

I’m almost too embarrassed to admit how DUMB I am for avoiding all of the coverage.

I have my reasons, but basically it’s because I guess I’m kinda selfish (and emotionally ill equipped to deal with the images on the Internet and TV).

While I can’t say that I’ve gotten much more involved (because if I did I would sit here and spend my entire day crying and feeling helpless), I have made my (minor, but hopefully helpful) text donation (you can make one too by texting “haiti” to 90999 so your $10 gets to the Red Cross for relief efforts).

And, I’ve found a blog to share with you guys if you’re interested in following this horrible reality.

Check it out here if you are: Rollings in Haiti

And then, go in the other room and kiss your kid and forgive your husband for forgetting to get THE ONE THING you sent him to the store for. At least that’s what I’m gonna do.

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