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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Will You Accept this Rose?

Do people ever not accept the rose?

I mean, if I didn’t want one, I would just say so beforehand instead of busting him out on national TV with an in-yo-face-sucka-take-your-cheapo-rose-and-shove-it no thank you.

Because, that would just be mean.

Kinda like signing up for the show and then deciding at the end (after weeks of hanging out on ABC’s dime and a coupla visits to the “fantasy” suite) you really are just not that into any of the chicks so you’re gonna just cut your losses and roll out (thank you Bachelor Brad).


Like selecting a girl and then deciding right after the show (right after the show) that she’s really not the one you really meant to pick, you kinda like the other one better so you were hoping ABC would like hook you up with her instead. Maybe give you her number, or like bring her (and the one you are dumping her for) on national TV so you can propose (not that kind of propose, slow down, who said anything about getting married?) that you start like hangin’ out in real life (and, thank you Bachelor Jason).


In an effort to stick with The Bachelor theme of honesty-is-the-best-policy-even-if-it-requires-that-I-make-you-feel-and-look-like-a-complete-douche-on-television, I’m gonna join Mama Kat in awarding roses to the 10 people/products that I’d “like to continue pursuing a relationship with” even though I’m not 100% convinced you are my type, that I’ll like you in a month, or that I can honestly see myself hanging out with you sans helicopter, limo, or hot tub.

So, when you find yourself all lonely sitting in a limo with a cheap bottle of wine, tears dripping on your tata-accentuating tube dress with a camera waving around in your face, you can’t say you’re surprised, or that you don’t know what went wrong, or that I’m missing out on the best person, or that the others really aren’t even here for the right reasons.

You’ve been warned.

This could end badly.

And, be sure to note that while I’m giving you a this-means-we-have-to-make-out-later rose, I’m also giving out 9 other of those bad boys today to people (or things as the case may be) that I am probably going to be intimate with later too.

Don’t worry, I might even letcha watch!

10 People/Products I Think I Might Really Like at Least When I’m Drunk, On an Island, Living Rent Free in a Mansion, Riding in a helicopter, a limo, or a vintage car, and/or Being Serenaded by some Formerly Hot Band

1. Hubby. At least, I don’t think it’s the house with the seasonal lake view that keeps me here?


2. The Dudes. Although, if someone takes away our summer pool privileges I’m gonna have to definitely reevaluate this relationship.


3. BFF. No lake, no pool privileges, no wrapping her legs around me in the hot tub (although we did go to Vegas together, but I totally had to pay for my own self) which means I obviously like her for her winning personality (and her party planning awesomeness) because her “perks” leave a lot to be desired.

4. Mimi & Papa. However, when they start wearing diapers and/or forgetting where they left their dentures all bets are off.


5. Bruncle. He can thank his opposable thumbs for keeping him on this list.


6. My Wii Fit Plus. But, the el-bees better start coming off or else we are gonna need to have a serious sit down and discuss where we see our “relationship” going in the future.


7. My camera. Pretty sure that no matter how things shake out with the humans on this list, you and I are gonna be cool.


8. My HP laptop. It was touch and go there for a minute when you got that virus thingy, ‘cause you know, I don’t really do germs, but now that you’re all healthy and stuff, we are good.


9. My Dyson. Wood floors are pretty and all, but brooms aren’t. I hate sweeping almost as much as I hate dishes laundry yard work scrubbing toilets other stuff, but luckily my handy dandy cost-me-a-fortune-so-you-better-earn-your-keep Dyson saves me the back breaking pain of having to sweep a whole buncha wood floored rooms everyday. I have to admit, I’m thinking about hooking up with a Roomba and I don’t even care if it gets me kicked offa this show.

10. My blog. And the 15 people who read it. You guys make my days. Although, if you could just pour on the we-are-totally-here-for-the-right-reasons-you-are-so-awesome-Dumb-Mom-and-we-are-just-so-glad-to-be-heres that would be great.

And, not to be forgotten, Thursday Thank You is gonna stick with the theme of the Bachelor as well by awarding a First Impression Rose.

I am gonna give out this one very special rose to the something in my life that has really made an impression on me. Something I’m gonna keep around, because at this point, it would be wrong to not see where this thing is going.

My garage door.

Thank you and you’re welcome.

Dear Garage Door From Hell, This has been an amazing journey so far. From the moment you busted a spring last fall and came, literally, crashing into my life, I (nor my finances) have not been the same. So much has happened since that first day. The original technician charged us $270 to replace your major spring. After putting that into place he realized another spring was broken so he left to order another part for you. Tragically, he suffered a terrible accident that left him bed ridden for weeks. One of the most severe snowstorms of the decade dumped 20 inches of snow in my yard (and on top of my temporarily garage-less vehicle). We celebrated a few major holidays and then finally, another technician was able to come out. He informed me that, before breaking his lower half into a hundred little pieces, the first technician put your spring on backwards and turned you on, which was a mistake. A seriously stupid, annoying, costly effing unbelievable mistake. Now to fix all the problems caused by that ridiculous error, he would need $215 to get you to even open manually and another $479 (with the $20 discount he’s gonna “hook” me up with) to get you to open the way you should (with a working motor). After getting out in the freezing weather to yank (and push, and pull) you into place this evening for the first time in months I feel closer to you than I ever have. We have shared (and by shared I mean I’ve paid out the nose for you to sorta kinda work a little bit) so much and I anticipate that there is still more to come. Will you accept this rose? XOXO, Dumb Mom*

*I was seriously gonna hand write this like I always do, but the thought of wasting one more penny (in the form of ink, paper, time) on this piece of crap garage made me throw up a little, so I passed. Handwritten notes will make a come back when someone/something freakin’ deserves one.

Wanna participate in Writer’s Workshop?

Trot on over to Mama Kat’s bloggy blog for the prompts.


Amethyst Moon said...

Thanks for starting my day off with a good laugh!

Mama the Chef said...

LOVE your rose list, and photos! You have a beautiful family!

Lauren said...

That is so funny! Although I probably would have kicked that garage door to the curb, hot tub or not!

Charisse said...

Awwww check out the fam! I love it. Is it wrong that I want a rose, too. I mean, I know I have not been there for you, lately. And I know all I talk about is my new awesome, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, kind, sensitive.....oh I got carried away...girlfriend, BUT....there is always a but...and a butt cuz mine is definitely STILL there...I just love you. And your blog. And I don't know how the world would still be able to turn on its axis if your blog did not get a rose at the closing ceremonies.

Just saying!!!!

Evonne said...

I love my Dyson! I don't know what I would do without it!

A $20 discount? Is that even really worth it?

Ambrosia said...

Ah, did you have to be so honest? I thought the superficial aspect of the Bachelor was the best part! : )

Seriously, I think we all know how the Bachelor came to being... (horny men anyone?)

P.S. Your family is beautiful!!!

Lolli said...

I love your list! I just got a new vacuum after my old one died (which wasn't really that old!) and I suddenly love vacuuming!

Kmama said...

OMG, $20 off that bill? Seriously? I would have laughed in the guy's face.

I'm sorry your garage door sucks.

I love my Dyson as well. My purple, animal hair dyson!!

The Psycho Mama said...

Your children are gorgeous!

BlogBaby said...

Oh man, I think my garage door has been a bad influence on your garage door again. Sorry, mine's a trouble maker like that.

Kinda like the stinking kid in your neighborhood.


I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

You know, you don't post many pictures of yourself, but you really should!

Not to sound all flirty with ya (or maybe I am...) but you are beautiful in those pictures. They are all wonderful family shots.

Anonymous said...

This is so funny... And I am so glad someone else out there loves her Dyson as much as I love mine!

Shell said...

So funny!

I tried to give a rose to a dyson, but it wanted cash to come home with me, so that didn't work out.

Mama B said...

So apparently I am a much bigger bitch than you because if it's more broken, or needs more expensive repairs because they did it wrong (put the screw in backwards whatever) I would so not be paying for it! They would! Do you want me to call them for you and bust some heads? I'm pretty good at it for a little white girl :-)

qandlequeen said...

Hey! You're totally awesome and I love reading your blog! :D

Anonymous said...

I just might start watching the Bachelor because of you! Thanks for the laugh.

Nancy C said...

That's hilarious! I love that the Dyson made the list.

Anonymous said...

You're going to kill me when I say: It would have been cheaper to buy a new motor and installed it. You have to get yourself a handyman friend who'll get the one you need and put it up and all you have to do is feed him.
And I hate doing floors too.

Anonymous said...

I just love your blog! You're hysterical! :-)

Erin said...

What a perfect list. Oh and stick with the mom had a roomba and it stunk! Didn't do what they claim it would do!

Miss Dot said...

OK, that picture of you all on the couch is just adorable. I mean it. You're a freaking good looking family -- the whole lot of you!

As for your roses, I think you did a pretty good job handing them out. My money's on the camera, too, for making it the long haul. That or the Dyson. Keep me posted.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

That's a great post. I may have to start giving out some roses on my blog too.

PS: MamaKat's button, it's not so pretty. You've got the bare code hanging out there - oops!

Alicia said...

WHAT??? the bff doesn't wrap her legs around you in the hot tub??? you're getting ripped off! lol...i love you woman, you crack me up. especially because your my adopted latina friend, thanks to the hubs. Ole!

SupahMommy said...

the rose theme is AWESOME!! i want a freaking rose.

Mrs4444 said...

You're hilarious. And beautiful. And so is your family. I love the rose list.

What's Jason up to these days, anyway? I'm curious.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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