I Made That!

This is a phrase that, outside of the kitchen, I don't get much chance to use.

When it comes to making, or building, or even just assembling things it seems like my hands work a lot like this...



Not sure why. Just is.

But, one thing I can do well (although I try not to really let people know about this one, don't want them raising their expectations or anything) is work.

I can hand mop a floor like nobody's business. Can't say I enjoy it, but still, it's something I've perfected (thanks Mom!) so should I choose to use it, you know for the purpose of wowing guests, I could.

And, I recently discovered that it's not just inside the house work I'm good at.

I learned this summer (due to Hubby's Sudden Onset of Lawn Mowing Induced Semi Paralysis) that I can mow a mean lawn.

And, weeds beware, because (when I can actually get the bloody thing started) I will whack the crap outta you.

Fall is now in full effect around here and, not sure if I mentioned this before but, my house is surrounded by trees.

Everyone knows what happens to trees during the fall. I've discovered that I have quite the intense loathing of leaves, and the trees they blew off of.

Who knew?

They cover, literally cover, my yard and my porch and my deck and my sidewalks and my cars (since the effing garage is still effing broken so the effing cars are stranded in the effing driveway which means every time it effing rains I get drenched running the kids back and forth from the effing house!).

I have to sweep pretty much everyday and, although I was able to avoid it for weeks, I (and Hubby, he actually did the entire back alone b/c I wholeheartedly refused) had to rake the yard.

Actually, and this is sad, the dudes informed me that the yard "wooked widiculous" so we decided to get started while Hubby was at work.

So, Mama Kat and my Writer's Workshop pals, I made this...



A big, fat pile of dead leaves that I'd love to burn, but can't (Damn HOA!).

But, it was actually quite fun (possibly because we only spent about 30 minutes doing the actual working part)!

See...















See that last one?

With the double snap point #2 is giving me?!

Well, that was him calling me out.

And, as I'm not one to shy away from a challenge ("I ain't goin' out like no punk" ring a bell?) I put down the camera and went for a few high flying, triple salchows uncoordinated leaps into the leaves.

It was fun.

Until my body failed me.

And, I pulled a hami or a groin or a whatever it is that goes up, down, and around in your hip/thigh/crotch area.

And, an old injury (a rump shakin' related injury sustained during my weekend in Vegas, yep I'm that sad) reared it's ugly head.

And, I was forced to sit out for the remainder of the leaf jump a-thon and take more photos...



So, this Thursday I'm thanking my Dumb Body. For failing me. Again.

Thank you and you're welcome.





Card Reads: Dear Dumb Body, Thank you for effing up my life. Seriously. Enough is enough. Not only do you look downright embarrassing, but your performance leaves A LOT to be desired. I can't even effectively play with my kids without your interference. I tried to take the stairs two at a time last week and actually strained my ankle...I couldn't walk right for 3 days! Not even a year ago I was jogging circles around this hilly neighborhood, now I can barely walk down one! What is happening to me? I'm going to pieces, and fast. I'm not sure if this is an age related issue or a size related issue, but it better be the latter, 'cause that I can fix. This better not be a sign that I'm getting old, or so help me...Just know that you have been warned, put on notice that you're not going to talk me into watching Eastwick instead of working out, and you're not going to convince me that polishing off the Halloween candy is a good idea. I'm through with you and your "good ideas". Eff your good ideas. It's your good ideas that have made me into the fat goose egg that I am today. The fat lady's singing, my chocolate loving friend, and it's ova. Officially. I'm going for a run, I mean a jog, I mean a quick walk now, so eat my dust. XOXO, Dumb Mom

I have someone you wanna thank?

Go ahead link 'em here (my friend, 'HI SUPAH!' said you guys would like this)!

Wordful (Midnight Madness) Wednesday

And, I'm not talking about the athletic sort.

Actually, the madness I'm speaking of is pretty much the exact opposite.

It's the midnight game release madness I'm referring to, and it's some nutty sh**.



After being forced to experience one myself (aka Hubby moaned and groaned about getting Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 just enough that I felt sorry for him and agreed to stop into Hellmart, I mean Walmart, on my way home from working the night shift) I'm convinced that everyone should go to one of these midnight game releases at least once in their lifetime.

It introduces you to an American subculture most of us didn't even know existed. A secret society of plaid shoe sporting, beret wearing, wannabe-special-agent-dorks that rarely venture into mainstream society, meaning they don't often come outta their basements during the daylight when us mortals are conducting human business.

They have little knowledge about what's acceptable physical appearance (a beret? Really? An effing beret? On a grown up dude?). They have little respect for personal hygiene (I know beards are in, but seriously, trim that thing, it looks like you have a sloth dangling from your chin. Oh, and it sorta *sniff, sniff* smells like it too). And, they honestly conduct the most ridiculous conversations I've ever heard ("Hey Bro, you haven't been on the game in 58 days, what' up with that?" Is knowing that particular stat a legitimate use of brain space?).

They are like a strange breed of vampires only not as cool, nowhere near as strong, and with reflexes more like those of a cow than those of a cat. But, I bet they could easily see in the dark just as well.

I do have to give it up for the amount of strategizing going on, not only with regards to future game play, and by future I mean the very moment they cross the threshold into their homes, but also the strategy involved in simply obtaining a copy of the most anticipated game of the year (that's what I'm told).

There were groups of friends who were posted at various locations throughout the town, each armed with a hand held electronic communication device (known to us laymen as a cell phone), to instantly notify others the moment they have confirmed the existence of multiple targets (aka games) so that all parties could quickly converge upon that spot.

The true heroes were those few, brave soles who were able to obtain illegally prereleased copies from classified locations for classified prices at classified times. Everyone (except for me of course) starred in awe, and listened to the harrowing retelling of the fateful Recognizance Mission (aka getting the game black market style by kicking down an extra $20 to the 17 year old douche who really couldn't care less).

I know I sound harsh (perhaps even downright mean), but so be it. After the evil I experienced there I think I'm entitled, just a bit, to trash talk the legions of malodorous, men of the night. Besides, it's not like any of them are gonna see this since now that the game came out the only thing they'll be using the Internet for is to check strategy guides on how to find the hidden level between levels three and four.

Obviously, I was in my own little corner of Hell as I waited in that line Monday night into what is technically considered to be Tuesday morning, watching it swell to over 70 people.

And, the worst part about this (other than the fact that I had to stand there and watch this freak show in action) was that it totally could have been avoided had Hubby simply preordered the correct copy of the game (apparently there is a super pack that comes with, get this, night vision goggles! But, to get it you had to say way, way back during dinosaur time that you wanted it otherwise, NO GOGGLES FOR YOU!).

In Hubby's defense, he was not given all of the information (the dude at the place didn't offer the Prestige Edition as they're calling it) so he placed his order normally and went on his extremely-happy-you-realize-this-isn't-real-don't-you? way.

When he learned of his mistake he was inappropriately crestfallen, so (mom to the rescue, again) I called around until a copy of the super-dorky-super-game pack could be located...

Or, so I thought.

After waiting in the line to Hell for over an hour I realized that, despite what the misinformed, asleep on the job, Walmart employee told me on the phone, there were no night vision goggles to be had (GRRRRR!!!).

I texted Hubby: No effing goggles, looks like I've been played.
Hubby replied: You can leave & we can pick it up tomorrow, I have non-goggles edition reserved (at separate location).
I responded in outrage: Um, hell to tha no...I waited in line w/these douches 4 more than hour. Will buy anyway. I ain't going out like no punk.
Hubby pleads: Calm down champ. Already put $5 down. Just say no & go.
I pressed on: Nope. Not gonna B the loser who leaves empty handed. I'm getting a game. Gotta win. Can't lose. I'm #1. Over and out.
Hubby: That's my girl. You show 'em.

And, just like that I became one of them, you know, for him.

And, see?



He's enjoying it thoroughly (he effing better be at least).

Don't worry, I'm back to my old self now and there is no way you're gonna catch me in plaid shoes or a beret. Ever.

I ain't goin' out like no punk!

Husband training

Momming boys entitles you to a number of rights and responsibilities, although I'm convinced that the responsibilities far outweigh the rights at the moment.

One of the most important responsibilities is training them to be good husbands when they grow up.

I've fully embraced this role and have made sure to begin teaching them various things about how you treat a lady.

For example, they know that telling mommy she "wooks weally skinny in dose workout pants" is the way to earn a piece of her post workout cookie extra hugs and kisses.

They know that the best way to get an extra piece of dessert after dinner is to compliment my cuisine nicely, but not puking all over the table helps, too.

And, they also know that prefacing every statement with an 'I wub you, Mommy" generally makes my response less pointed, even if they are asking for extra Wii time following an explosive brawl over a controller.

But, in spite of all of my efforts, they are who they are in some ways, and I've not learned how to reform their personalities enough to create super human super husbands (and I don't wanna make 'em too good so the girls start sniffing them out too early).

I am trying though, and I can already see who is emerging as a front-runner in the Great Husband Creation Race.

At the moment, #3 seems like he'll be perfect. The fact that he's still a toddler may have something to do with that, but still, he's a happy little dude, always laughing (except when he's crying), always energetic (except when he's conked out on the floor), and always ready to cuddle (except when he's batting at my face to get away from him).

#1 will be perfect for someone too, but I imagine she'll be more like the cheerleading coach on Glee since he sorta has a thing for being, um, let's say directed.

This one scares me a bit because if he marries some barbarianesq, tyrant of a woman she may try to keep him all to herself, which will not be cool. I'll have to get all psycho mom in-law on her and then I'll wind up on Dr. Phil, or worse, Maury Povich. She say ridiculous thingas about how I'm overbearing, nosy, and pushy. I punch her in her throat and have to be carted off stage by studio security. I guess I'll just have to pick his mate myself, you know, just to eliminate any butt kicking confusion in the future.

#2, on the other hand, may struggle to secure a bride at all. Not because he's not awesome, because he totally is, but because I'm not sure I'll be able to curb his zest for women (my baby LOVES boobies), his desire for perfection (he likes his bed made a certain way, his meals served a certain temp, and his kisses placed exactly right), or his lack of tolerance (temper, temper) enough to make him a very good candidate for most of the princesses at the ball.

The thing about him is that if you're on his good list, he's the sweetest thing. He recently informed me that he has a girlfriend at school. A girlfriend that holds his hand, plays with him in the sandbox, and says she loves him numerous times per day. A girlfriend who he blesses with compliments and stickers and half of his snack crackers.

You know, it freaked me out a bit at first, just because #1 has never expressed interest in lady friends, but then I realized that not only is their "relationship" harmless, but it's made him feel way more excited about going to school, which is something that even a year and a half of classes hasn't been able to do.

I'm glad he's found a friend, but I don't expect it to last.

My baby has a history.

Up until recently he was all betrothed to his first princess, our neighbor. But, he dropped her for her younger sister who he informed me is, "just so cute wit her wittle bit of hair dat's so white an pitty." Apparently, he's into blonds.

In all fairness to my boy, he did offer to, "marry bof of dem, so none of da pwincesses gets mad." Thoughtful, right?

Although, he's not given much thought to either of them since Preschool Girlfriend has hit the scene.

I'm sure he's destined to get some fast little floozy knocked up marry a no nonsense, gum popping, trash talking, firecracker who will put him in his place and have little if anything to do with my Christmas craft ideas. But, at least I can hope for a whole crap load of grandkids that I'll probably have the pleasure of raising, I mean helping to raise.

Mostly, I just want them to do exactly as I say find partners that make them happy.

Or, they could go ahead and find super awesome, giving, thoughtful, selfless-because-I-so-wanted-to-see-The-Nutcracker-instead wives, who become official Event Chasers and get NBA Tickets. A wonderful wife like this would let her husband talk her intoWashington Wizards Tickets or Cleveland Cavaliers Tickets so that instead of enjoying classical music and talented dancers she'll be stuffing her face with stadium dogs and nachos.

Hmmmm... maybe the basketball game's not such a bad idea after all!

In the Presence of Greatness...

Welcome to the stage the one, the only, Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest Champion of the World, the Supah-Supah-est wannabe Supah Mommy of them all (drum rolllllllllllllll), Supah D...

Dear PBD lovahs in the hazizzle!

(i'm pretty sure that's house)

I'm gloggin © ( guest bloggin: feel free to use with my permission)for PBD today! Don't be disappointed to see that I have overtaken her blog to force my acceptance speech upon you all while I have her tied up ( not tight) and gagged ( with a snickers bar) . She's fine. I am a lovah myself of the infamous PBD. She is the FIRST BLOG that I came across on SITS that I finally said... GOD BLESS AMERICA... someone else is as ridiculous as I and I have stalked followed her every single stinkin move ever since. Most days. Usually. When I can. EVERY SINGLE DAY. ( is that good PBD? Was that too much? ) Seriously, it's about TIME she STEPPED UP and invited me onto her blog! GRANTED I had to pimp out my children's image in her First Annual Happily ( Un) haunted Halloween Photo contest to make it happen. But that is neither here nor there. I am not complaining, I have pimped my children out for far less. I am still awaiting my mother of the year award, but while I wait I will grace you all with my CONTEST WIN acceptance speech for her awesomeness contest!

Thank you PBD .

Thank you fans of PBD.

Thank you all of you who voted for Beaver Bootays. ddespite my threats of going loco on you.

Eff you. Bygones to all of you who voted otherwise while I glared at you.

Just kiddin . Sorta.

That gnome was indeed cute as was that zombie- the cutest undead I've seen yet. Also I loved that adorably beautiful witchy poo and those sleeping sweeties.

I think I'll share my winnings with all of you finalists!

Oh wait.. that's against the rules ... ahem... right PBD. ( * glare eyes)

I checked the fine print. Sorry folks. PBD won't allow it. Her rules. NOt mine.

xoxoxo ©

supah

I'll let my lil' beavers speak for themselves. I DID NOT have to coerce them with the last remaining pieces of candy. And no I DID NOT EAT all of the good pieces that used to be there.


And, tune in soon for our next photo contest announcement that will kick of December 1st with new and improved rules, regs, and expectations.

I know it sounds are hard, but I promise you, from one Dummy to another, it's totally not gonna be!

Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner

Gonna have to forgive me for not being able to construct a mind blowing, tear jerker of a tribute post.

Sadly, my nearly new seriously-are-you-kidding-me-I-shoulda-bought-an-effing-Mac-craphole-of-a laptop is acting like a little biotch today.

So, in order to construct this post at all I've been forced to do some undercover-super-secret-super-spy business and work on it at work.

I can't even tell you what I had to do to be able to post this thing. Well, I could, but then I'd have to kill you.

And, as much as I love you dedicated-comment-leaving-Dumb-Mom-worshiping readers, I can say with complete sincerity that, after a day like today (3 hours at soccer, 4 hours at work, 1.5 hours of HP tech-support-Hell), I just might enjoy that.

I could see how offing a few unsuspecting, innocent bystanders could bring a smile to one's face.

So.

Don't push me.

Lucky for 2/3 of the dudes, they are entrenched 50 miles northwest of here at a safe house also known as The Compound (because of its striking resemblance to that creepy place in that freaky movie The Shining, long story, will tell later, I'm pressed for time now, remember?) where they are safe from my wrath with their Mimi and Papa.

Also lucky is that I had #3 make this video before my laptop went psycho-crashing-security-breechy and caused me to break into my boss's office go to extreme measures to make this announcement.

So. Without further ado. Welcome to the stage #3...



That's right peeps, the prize goes to my girl, the one, the only, SUPAH D!

For her awesomely constructed entry, Beaver Bootays!



Let's everybody give it up for Supah on her amazing accomplishment (apparently you're gonna wanna make sure you do this because from what I hear she's got a mean knuckle samich and she ain't afraid to use it).

Don't lament if you didn't win (okay, go ahead, lament), I'm currently working on another, even more exciting photo contest that I plan to announce December 1st, so stay tuned for more and get your cameras ready!

Saturday Swag-urday: So Dang Smart

Loads of people are smarter than me.

Don't try to argue, I'm fine with it and I have other qualities that I like to focus on.

For example, I'm funny.

Maybe not Tina Fey funny or Sarah Silverman funny, but I'm at least like Queen Latifah funny.

You know, not stand up comedian material, but I can pull off a good joke or a three minute comedic sequence from time to time with no problem.

So, yeah, I'm good with the whole not-the-smartest-mom-on-the-block label.

Being the funny-lady-with-the-three-boys is way easier to live up to, you know because people don't expect much (like they never suspect that I'm gonna blog the h-e-double-hockey-sticks outta their ignorotic (ignorant and idiotic combined expertly to express my point) selves when I get home!)

But, I get really peeved when toys outsmart me.

I wrote two whole posts (that all of ten people read; now's your chance, though! Post 1 & Post 2) dedicated entirely to being outwitted, outsmarted, and outlasted by super intelligent super toys.

But, I've decided to take a new approach to big brain toys.

Instead of shunning them, avoiding them, and letting their batteries run out, I'm going to embrace the fact that they probably scored higher than me on the college entrance exam, invite them into my home, and encourage them to go to work on my kids.

You know, so I don't have to.

Here are some that could be getting special invites this Christmas season:

Mindflex, because some toys are so friggin' smart, they are scary, and sometimes scary is fun (unless it's outer space scary and then it's so not fun). This toy is so smart I honestly can't even figure it out, so watch the video and then proceed with caution. #2 is obsessed with mind control so he thinks this toy would be an amazing addition to his mind controlling arsenal. I personally don't think he can concentrate on anything (other than torturing his brother) long enough to get results, but if Santa has anything to say about it, we may just see a huge leap in #2's mindcontrolability. Shoot me now.

Eco-Friendly Cookware and Dining Set, because being green is always smart*. And, in this case it's fun, too. #3 is my resident foodie and he loves cooking in his kitchen. He has already developed the stereotypical this-is-my-grill-so-check-yo-self-before-you-wreck-yo-self dude-tude. He's not to be disturbed when he's in "the zone", and if you (or more specifically, his brothers) dare to creep a finger into his "creative space", be prepared to lose it. So, he's been in the market for some new cookware for quite some time and Oompa was nice enough to send him this set of environmentally smart dishes as the are not only cute and functional, but they are safe too.



Safe for food (you can really eat off of them and microwave them w/o having to worry about icky toxins creeping into your guts), for kids' mouths (they can suck the crap outta them and not be sickened by lead), and for the world (they are made outta recycled milk jugs like all of the toys in the Green Toys line up).

Little Music Lovers, because smart music makes you smarter*.



Or, so they say. I think smart music makes you tired, but that's just me. I'm a huge fan of classical music, sometimes. There's a time and a place for it is all I'm saying. Like, when it's your turn to host mommy group. You put on the classical my-kid's-a-mental-giant music when you want the other mommies to think you actually listen to it and you really have no idea why your kid is singing "Birthday Sex" at the top of his lungs. But, we are not huge fans of this for daily play time (or Birthday Sex really, it just came on the radio and caught his attention with it's sex infused beat, I swear). We like to bring sexy back with JT, or get it started with the Black Eye Peas a lot more than we like to rock with Bach, but that's just us.

$10 toys, because get toys on the cheap makes you feel smart, ,especially when you're spending all the money you saved on a smart new pair of heels, or a smart new handbag for yourself:)!. Check out Walmart and Target for these great deals.

Automoblox, because some smart toys are just fun. These neat little vehicles are completely disassembleable (I know it's not a word, but it fits so deal with it). And, if you're like Casa de Dummies you will have more than one which means the parts are interchangeable too. You do have to be smart enough to keep all of your pieces within eye shot so that they aren't permanently digested by the toy box monster, but other than that these look like the smartest and most fun toy Santa will probably bring this year. Although, I'm thinking the DS and the Razor will also be pretty big hits!

Now, I know I was supposed to announce the winner of the Happily (un)Haunted Photo Contest today, but...since I was busy with this yesterday I haven't had a chance to compose the eloquently written tribute post so please don't hate me for saving it for tomorrow. You understand. And, if you're desperate to know, you can go ahead and tally up all 100 and something comments yourself and end the suspense. I'll be in the bathroom.

*PBD Admits it's Free Disclaimer: Some of the items discussed in this post were given to us to try out for free. We like free stuff a whole bunch, but rest assured that if it sucks we'll tell you, even if it is free.

Fragmented Friday

Today's Fragmented post (part of Mrs. 444's weekly series) will be a bit hurried and possibly more fragmented (aka all over the place) because I'm being interrupted repeatedly as I type it to run crawl shamelessly to the bathroom to make whoopee with the porcelain prince.

TMI? Well, then you may want to just stop reading now because I really can't help myself tonight.

Five Fun Fragments...

1. Taco salad is good. Follow it up with a chocolate cupcake wrapped in smooth, delicious strawberry icing and it's the perfect way to end the night.

2. Not such a perfect way to end the night...commode hugging as you wretch your brains out as a result of some nasty chemical reaction spawned by those strawberry covered, chocolate, instruments of death.

I'll save you the gory details, just know that I felt like power washing my mouth after all that dirty went through.

3. Today (and possibly everyday in the foreseeable future) is Halloween. Why? Because Bat-Dawg has taken over my house and is running rampant through it, wreaking havoc on us innocently costumeless bystanders.



Anyone wanna take his high flying barking dog and pony bat show offa my hands for a few days?

4. I love Vampires. I know. Sounds strange coming from a polyester sweat suit wearing SAHM of three, but it's totally true.

And, thing about it is that apparently I love all kinds of vamps: the smouldering, sexually tormented Twilight teen vamps, the hot and sexy, kill-at-will-but-try-to-survive-synthetically True Blood vamps, and every Thursday night since Fall TV began I've been enjoying the waring-love-triangle-vamp-brothers of Vampire Diaries.

And, in case anyone was wondering, all of these are adapted from books.

Books that I have read.

Books that all receive my stamp of vamp-obsessed approval.

All except for that last one.

Don't read it. Well, if you are a 15 year old girl who accidentally stumbled upon this blog via a Google search from Vamp Loving Moms Who Rock, then you should read it. You totally should.

Everyone else should just check out the show 'cause to be on The CW, it's a pretty decent show. I mean, if you're into that sorta thing.

5. Going to be a long night of puking over here. Pretty sure someone poisoned me. Where is Bat-Dawg when you need him?! Blech!

P.S. Remember today is the last day to cast your votes for PBD's Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest finalists. So take a look and pic your fave by clicking here!

Note to Self

Normally I spend Thursday's thanking others.

I focus on how they are helpful (at nothing), or kind (of sucky), or just plain awesome (in a not so awesome way that essentially makes them, um, awesome!).

But, despite the fact that numerous people have earned a thanking this week (particularly the garage fixing man who informed me that, although I paid him $400, he is no longer available to complete my garage fixing job since he fell outta a barn and shattered is lower half. Awesome. Glad you made it and all, but GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!), I'm gonna spend this Thursday talking about myself.

Why you ask?

I'll tell you why (like you didn't know I was going to).

Because I spend a whole butt load of time taking issue with and griping about the idiocy of others, when really I'm starting to notice a common denominator in all of my most sucky situations...ME!

So, I need to remind myself that sometimes (on rare, almost unheard of occasions) the sucky person is me.

And, while it doesn't happen often that I'm to blame for effing things up, it does occur from time to time and it's only fair that I own that.

And besides, Mama Kat sujested that this week's Writer's Workshop be a letter to the object of your affection, and honestly I can't think of someone I'm more affectionate with than myself.

So, Dumb Mom, this one's for you...from you.

REad it and weep, because that's what you always do anyway.

Dear Dumb Mom, Thanks for effin' things up for us again. You are chronically biting off more than you can chew and I am kinda getting sick of it. I mean seriously, learn to say NO! It can't be that difficult since like 99% of babies can claim it as their first word. What's your problem? Do you seriously want to babysit, for free, again? I don't think you even like kids. Which leads me to the whole preschool party planning thing. How in the Halibut did you get roped into that shizzle? Oh, they asked you? BEcause no one else volunteered? Too. Bad! Seriously, you simply can not be in charge of the entire planning, prepping, and production of a party for 18 some odd 4 year olds. Particularly not while you chase The Ruffian (aka #3) from wall to wall to prevent him from mouth stuffing all of the snacks (and by snacks I mean glue sticks, crayons, and puzzle pieces). You're just not that awesome. You litterly suck at crafting, you can hardly control your own offspring, let alone anyone else's, and you have work, photo sessions, home parties to plan (have you even thought about your son's birthday next weekend?), soccer, basketball, babysitting for free, and going insane to consider as well. There is just no time for extracurriculars like sleeping (although somehow time for excessive food consuption is readily available) left. And, you need your sleep! Without it you do ridiculously embarrassing things, like leave your house sporting a polyester sweat suit (yes friends, of the matxhing jacket and zipper pants variety, sad, just plain sad). That is just not allowed. You looked like an effing boxer for crying out loud. And, not the title winning kind. You were more like the just-came-outta-retirement-to-earn-some-extra-cash-since-we-all-can't-rock-the-infomercials-circuit kind of boxer. Not cute. Shameful really since, if I recall, you were quite the fashion guru in your pre I-do-whatever-people-ask-of-me-even-if-it-makes-me-cry-myself-to-sleep-at-night days. So sad to see what you've become. But, I'm officially putting an end to this madness. No more throwing of baby showers, no more giving people extra hours of photography (for free) because you feel bad, no more changin your work schedule to the sucky times because no one else will. We're done. I'm putting my, I mean YOUR, foot down. This can not go on. We don't even have time to stalk read people's blogs anymore. What kind of life is this you're living? Blog stalking is important! So, consider this an intervention. Next step is rehab (do they even have a place for people like you? Like, Women Who Say Yes All The Time Because They Feel Bad Annoynmous?) and no one likes rehab, accept for maybe like Lindsay Lohan, and you don't wanna be like her, she sucks.

Feel free to leave Dumb Mom comments about how and why she should give up her life as a Yes Woman. I really don't think I, I mean she, I mean I beleive there is a way out at this point.

In too deep.

No turning back.

I'm pretty much like an indentured servant, only without the handy little contract that says it'll be over soon. It's an endless cycle of volunteering (or being volunteered) for things that overwhelm you, exhaust you, and rob you of your zest for life.

Please tell me I'm not the only mom/woman who feels this way?! Please? No really, I need to hear you say it.

I just keep telling myself that my kids are healthy, I have a nice house, and like 3 really cool IRL friends, so if that means that from time to time (or multiple times per month, as the case may be) I have to sacrifice my time (and sanity) for the benefit of others so be it, I guess.

At least I'll be getting some help of my own soon...

Thanks to the people at Care.com I was able to locate a sweet babysitter who seems to be a good fit for the dudes (meaning, no one punched her in the throat or tried to touch her boobs when she came over).

And, lucky for you, since this is National Family Care Giver Month (who knew!) the people in charge over there are giving a free weekend of access for anyone who is interested in searching for a local babysitter, tutor, pet sitter, or housekeeper (wait? I didn't know they had housekeepers! Hells yea!).

You can even get free background checks (wonder if those tell you if your sitter appears in an episode of Girls Gone Wild? So cool if it does!)!

Maybe I can even direct the people who ask me to watch their kids to the site and then they can find someone more qualified (aka someone who likes other people's kids) to watch their kids too.

It worked for me, so maybe it can work for them (and you) too!

Wordful Strike a Pose Wednesday

Or not.

But promise me that the next time I haul out the camera and attempt to take your photo you won't do this...



Or this...



And, you'll especially avoid this...



I don't understand what it is about the trifecta of me, my kids, and my Canon that produce the most hideous, most unbecoming, amateurish, I-can't-believe-you-put-that-crap-on-a-card photographs of all time.

I don't have a problem making other people's kids look nice together.

But, when it comes to my own I get a crap load of wandering eyes and poop tongue faces that quickly ruin an otherwise perfect family portrait.

The past two years I had to send the cards out with individual shots of each of the kids in their own little box because I got sick of posing and reposing their uncooperative little selves while sweating up a storm and threatening their lives. It wasn't good for any of us.

So maybe I'll go with that idea again and I'll feature them each in their own element.

#1 reading...



#2 being silly...



and, #3 doing one of the two things he does best, eating...



or getting into mischief (could he look any more guilty?!)...



Or, maybe just to prove my point I'll use this one...



Then one year, when the really-amazing-every-one's-looking-and-no-one-is-effing-it-up-with-their-dumb-expression shot finally makes it onto the card people will actually appreciate it.

I'll let you know when I capture it.

Until then we're probably just gonna go with this...

Ice, Ice Baby

You know what I love?

Popcorn.

It is seriously like one of my favorite snacks.

Right up there with chocolate covered almonds (which come in a half gallon jar from Costco which is enough to make me physically sick from over consumption).

The only way I don't like popcorn is when it costs $10!

$10 popcorn is not my friend.

But, when paired with a fancy schmansy essentially-useless-because-it-matches-nothing-and-fits-nowheresouvenir bucket, endless refills (that go unused b/c seriously, who need 3lbs of popcorn in one sitting?), and ice dancing geniuses, it's kinda awesome!

That's right. I said it. Ice dancing geniuses. A phenomenon that can only be found in a few places, one of which is Disney on Ice!

Last Wednesday, the dudes and I had the pleasure of gettin' Disney wit it at the Disney on Ice: Celebrations production showing at the 1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore.



It was a blast (just like I said it would be) that was totally worth staying out until 10pm on a school night for and having to literally drag their virtually lifeless bodies from their beds in the am just in time to not catch the bus.

But, since my standards of awesomeness are drastically different from those of my what's-cool-to-kids aficionados, I asked the dudes to weigh in on this post and share with everyone what they enjoyed the very most about their date with Disney.

#1: Loved the Halloween celebration the most because, "all of the bad guys were there". Thought the princesses were okay, but "mostly just for girls". Really enjoyed the parts with Mickey because, "that guy is just soooo funny!".

#2: Liked the Christmas part (strange because in order to beat the psychotic Baltimore crowd out to the parking lot, we left in the middle of this performance) the best. Thought princess Tiana from the upcoming film, The Princess and the Frog, was "just so pretty and cute". And, he wasn't even phased by the fact that a couple of the ice skate clad heroes bit it during their performance, stating that, "he didn't fall, he just rolled across the ground", obviously a huge difference.

Think your little ones might enjoy a taste of happiness on ice?

There are still plenty of opportunities to catch the performance.

Check here to find out when they will glide into a venue near you.

Luckily, they are finishing their stint in Baltimore, because I tell you I'm convinced that that place is the scariest city on earth.

I hate to bash my home state (not really, but sorta), but I just can't seem to take a foray into the city without having a near death experience.

Even at a production put on by the happiest people on earth, lady-beside-us thought it was necessary to inform lady-behind-us that she was going to kill her.

Seriously?

A death threat?

At Disney?

What kind of a strange horror flick am I living in?

What kind of behaviour would solicit such harsh words?

Well, apparently it was all because kid-of-lady-behind-us inadvertently kicked back-of-lady-beside-us repeatedly throughout the first half of the show during which lady-behind-us failed to apologize to lady-beside-us with enough sincerity to appease her and her mildly assulted neck.

Wow.

And, during the cuss fest and subsequent near attempted murder my dudes were covered in nervous sweat from shear fear.

Fear for their lives, not to mention the fact that should violence erupt they probably would never know if Minnie found her prince.

And what did I do?

I Waited for the crazy lady to move her freak show along, that's what. Because, all trash talking aside, I'm no match for a 200lb-psycho-baby-mama-in-a-pink-pleather coat. I'm just not.

I'm all hard when it comes to bringing the pain on eternal-mini-van-driving-suburbanite-moms-of-4 whose kids verbally (or physically as the case may be) assault my dudes, but I'm just not down with getting my a@* handed to me to the tune of bipity-boppity-boo.

No thanks.

Lucky for me, my nervous smile and my curly headed dudes were visually appealing to her and she excused herself without further incident (or injury to my person).

It was nuts, but the ice show...that was great.

And the Finalists are...

Hello! It's me, Dumb Mom, doing a stint as my all-time favorite fictional character, Pipi Longstalkings.

I haven't dressed this body up in costume since the Halloween of 1991.

I have no photographic proof, but just note that I went in drag that year (as a boy, just to clarify) and it wasn't pretty. There were a pair of saggy pants and a jersey of some sort involved and I looked an awful lot like my 8th grade self looked on a day to day basis (for some reason I thought dressing like a boy was fashionable and cute. It was not). Very unoriginal and, from my current position as fashion iconmom, shamefully bad.

But, despite having learned my lesson when it comes to celebrating Halloween in costume, I decided that this year, being the first year of our not-ever-going-to-be-famous-at-this-rate
soon-to-be famous Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest, I needed to do it big.

Apparently so did my guests!

See...

There were fairies,



and rag dolls,



And, to top the whole shindig off, Kanye showed up...



He interrupted me like twice and then I threatened to eject him. I'm not the pushover MTV is.

Anywho...On to more important issues.

The 5 finalists in the 1st Annual Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo contest have been selected!

But...OMG!

It was soooo dang hard!

Look at all of the winning entries I received!

Best Avian...


Best I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Sucka...


Best Use of Science...


Best Use of Color...


Best Barnyard Representatives...


Best Homegrown Costume...


Best Shepherd and Disgruntled Sheep...


Best Costumed Family...


Best All-Terrain Vehicle


Best House Cat Representative...


Best Impromptu Costume...


Best Non-Decepticon...


Best Member of a Swarm...


Best Use of Furniture...


Best Selling Costume...


Best Princess Featuring a Katana (look in the background)...


Best Amphibian...


Best Costume You Could Eat (think she's a candy corn?)...


Best Representative for the Undead...


25 creative, inspired, cute, scary, beautiful costumes were entered in the contest on the backs of 25 awesomely amazing, super cute cuties and their mommies.

The competition was stiff.

The decision was difficult.

But, I persevered.

I pulled through, and I did my duty.

The top five finalists have been selected and here (drum roll please!) they are (please note: I titled them, because I'm funny like that!)!

#1: Beaver Bootays from Supah D. @ Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy



#2: Sleeping Beauties. Entered by Mary @ Hurricane Riley and his Brother Rex.



#3: Hermione Who? From CK @ Bad Mommy Moments




#4: So Over that Cheap Gnome. Submitted by Betsy B. Honest @ Honest to Betsy.



#5: Trick-or-Treat Bit**es! A title only Mary from Pajamas and Coffee could truly appreciate:)!



Now, rush out and tell all of your friends to vote for your kid.

Tell them where to find me and tell them all about how you had to beat out tons of other creatively costumed kids to make it to the finals.

And then, encourage them to vote for your little spookster.

But. No need to vote for yourself. As much as you are dying to show the world that your sweet pickle is the very sweetest (because you say so damn it!), it's really just not necessary.

Because, admit it, no matter how cute, creative, scary, or sweet the other kids looked in their costumes, no one really topped your little creep in his (or hers as the case may be).

And, even if by some strange twist of fate another kid did sorta kinda maybe if you look really closely have a slightly better costume in theory, your kid looked much more appealing in his (and frankly, would look better in the other kid's too!).

And, since you are quite the budding Anne Geddes behind the lens, I'm sure that you know that I know that your photo composition is not only superior to the other entries, but also to anything I have ever seen before.

Got it. You rock and so does your kid.

Totally agree.

100%.

So, since I know what's up, I've already counted your vote in favor of your kid (each kid is currently tied @ one) so no need to bother voting for Mr. Wonderful, you might as well go ahead and use your free vote to help out another, less fortunate, child.

All you have to do to make your choice known is leave a comment saying which number you want to vote for (#6 is ineligible).

Voting will stay open from now until Friday and the winner will be announced next Saturday on the Saturday Swag-urday post, so that should be plenty of time to teach all of your grandparents to log on to the Internet, find my bog, create an email address and leave a comment voting for your photo. Or, it's plenty of time to tell 'em all about it, set up a fake account in their name, and vote for them*!

I'll never know?!

Good luck and thanks for playing!

*Please note: All votes from "Anonymous" will be disqualified since that could easily just be you logging in and voting for yourself over and over and over again!