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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Husband training

Momming boys entitles you to a number of rights and responsibilities, although I'm convinced that the responsibilities far outweigh the rights at the moment.

One of the most important responsibilities is training them to be good husbands when they grow up.

I've fully embraced this role and have made sure to begin teaching them various things about how you treat a lady.

For example, they know that telling mommy she "wooks weally skinny in dose workout pants" is the way to earn a piece of her post workout cookie extra hugs and kisses.

They know that the best way to get an extra piece of dessert after dinner is to compliment my cuisine nicely, but not puking all over the table helps, too.

And, they also know that prefacing every statement with an 'I wub you, Mommy" generally makes my response less pointed, even if they are asking for extra Wii time following an explosive brawl over a controller.

But, in spite of all of my efforts, they are who they are in some ways, and I've not learned how to reform their personalities enough to create super human super husbands (and I don't wanna make 'em too good so the girls start sniffing them out too early).

I am trying though, and I can already see who is emerging as a front-runner in the Great Husband Creation Race.

At the moment, #3 seems like he'll be perfect. The fact that he's still a toddler may have something to do with that, but still, he's a happy little dude, always laughing (except when he's crying), always energetic (except when he's conked out on the floor), and always ready to cuddle (except when he's batting at my face to get away from him).

#1 will be perfect for someone too, but I imagine she'll be more like the cheerleading coach on Glee since he sorta has a thing for being, um, let's say directed.

This one scares me a bit because if he marries some barbarianesq, tyrant of a woman she may try to keep him all to herself, which will not be cool. I'll have to get all psycho mom in-law on her and then I'll wind up on Dr. Phil, or worse, Maury Povich. She say ridiculous thingas about how I'm overbearing, nosy, and pushy. I punch her in her throat and have to be carted off stage by studio security. I guess I'll just have to pick his mate myself, you know, just to eliminate any butt kicking confusion in the future.

#2, on the other hand, may struggle to secure a bride at all. Not because he's not awesome, because he totally is, but because I'm not sure I'll be able to curb his zest for women (my baby LOVES boobies), his desire for perfection (he likes his bed made a certain way, his meals served a certain temp, and his kisses placed exactly right), or his lack of tolerance (temper, temper) enough to make him a very good candidate for most of the princesses at the ball.

The thing about him is that if you're on his good list, he's the sweetest thing. He recently informed me that he has a girlfriend at school. A girlfriend that holds his hand, plays with him in the sandbox, and says she loves him numerous times per day. A girlfriend who he blesses with compliments and stickers and half of his snack crackers.

You know, it freaked me out a bit at first, just because #1 has never expressed interest in lady friends, but then I realized that not only is their "relationship" harmless, but it's made him feel way more excited about going to school, which is something that even a year and a half of classes hasn't been able to do.

I'm glad he's found a friend, but I don't expect it to last.

My baby has a history.

Up until recently he was all betrothed to his first princess, our neighbor. But, he dropped her for her younger sister who he informed me is, "just so cute wit her wittle bit of hair dat's so white an pitty." Apparently, he's into blonds.

In all fairness to my boy, he did offer to, "marry bof of dem, so none of da pwincesses gets mad." Thoughtful, right?

Although, he's not given much thought to either of them since Preschool Girlfriend has hit the scene.

I'm sure he's destined to get some fast little floozy knocked up marry a no nonsense, gum popping, trash talking, firecracker who will put him in his place and have little if anything to do with my Christmas craft ideas. But, at least I can hope for a whole crap load of grandkids that I'll probably have the pleasure of raising, I mean helping to raise.

Mostly, I just want them to do exactly as I say find partners that make them happy.

Or, they could go ahead and find super awesome, giving, thoughtful, selfless-because-I-so-wanted-to-see-The-Nutcracker-instead wives, who become official Event Chasers and get NBA Tickets. A wonderful wife like this would let her husband talk her intoWashington Wizards Tickets or Cleveland Cavaliers Tickets so that instead of enjoying classical music and talented dancers she'll be stuffing her face with stadium dogs and nachos.

Hmmmm... maybe the basketball game's not such a bad idea after all!

16 comments:

Kathy B! said...

As the mother of four girls, I thank you for your consideration in training your boys well :)

TKW said...

Training them to be good husbands is a noble goal, indeed.

And if #1 needs direction, I know a very bossy girl who will be more than happy to boss him!

confused homemaker said...

:) I agree that it's important to help our sons become good husbands & men as they grow up. They also need to know that momma will always be in charge.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I too am determined to train my boys to be good husbands. Cleaning up after themselves, for starters - and putting the toilet lid down. You know, it's the little things. :)

Mira is triplet crown said...

My concern always is that my training will be trumped by my husband's actual behavior. which would you do if you were my son? The lazy ignorant thing? Or the thing mommy says you 'should' do but take so much more effort. I think I'm screwed.

lululu said...

it's too hard for me to pick too! haha! they all have their own appeal!
it's just so amazing to see how u shape a paper-plain baby into a man filled with unique characters.
and u hv 3 boys, i think it must be wonderful to see how their different personalities develop every single day.

evenshine said...

I, too, thank you on behalf of all the future mothers-in-law (and we would ALL be on Povitch if the truth were known...)

Jennifer said...

I think about stuff like this all the time. I just told my friend the other day that we need to train our boys to be good husbands. That way our DILs will like us and not take them away from us. Always scheming.... I mean....

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

As a mom of 2 boys, I'm with you on the husband training ride. Got my oldest already saying "That's so pretty." The Glee comment had me cracking up. Now, how can we train them to think "need to find someone just like my mom!"?

Kacey R. said...

Oh this cracks me up. I am SO with you. I am scared to death my sons are going to marry someone I don't like! And you know they are only 2 & 3 years old. LOL I've even secretly schemed about how I would get rid of the girls while they are still only at girlfriend status. And by "get rid of" I mean through all of the legal ways of course. ;D

Alicia said...

hahaaa!! oh my word...i just teach mine to say 'yes dear' 'whatever you say dear'....i'm thinking that should get them far in life! but heck, i love that your man's willing to make honest women out of dem bof....so so so cute!!!

parentingBYdummies said...

Kathy B...you are welcome.

TKW...bring it on.

CF...duly noted and they've been informed, numerous times.

Rita... I agree and I feel the little things include constant complimenting of the woman of the house.

Mira...The lazy ignorant thing is quite compelling, but so is extra dessert, so yeah.

lululu...it is wonderful, sometimes it's so wonderful I'm overwhelmed and I consider running in a fit into the woods, but I stay, because of the wonder.

evenshine...looks like a trip to Povich is in our future...he is not the father is what I'm voting for:)

Jennifer...you should consider learning some mind control, then the DILs will do your bidding. That's my plan anyway.

Unex. Mom...I actually disagree with you a bit on this one. If they find someone like Mom she will be a plotting, overbearing, control freak who would not yield to my mind control. I'd much prefer he just allow me to select, it's really the only way.

Kacey R...Legal schmegal, that's what I always say.

parentingBYdummies said...

Alicia...Thats nice of you to think he was doing it for them. He is a man you know?!

Miss Dot said...

I freaking love your humor. I'm glad to see you're bringing your boys up right. Never too soon to start training! Perhaps the hubbs and I will pop out a brood of girls perfect to breed with your mini-herd.

OK, I just creeped myself out.

Disregard.

kys said...

I'm trying to train mine. Goodness knows my MIL didn't train Hubs.

faemom said...

Training boys into husbands is hard work, I tell you what. I think I have the manners down, but there is so much work to do. Our daughter-in-laws better be grateful.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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