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Thursday, September 10, 2009


Casa de Dummies is filled with scardey cats.

And, we're gonna talk about because my girl, Mama Kat said I should:)!

We are a family living in fear.

Actually, that's not as bad as it sounds since fear, or should I say protection from scary crap, can be quite the bargaining chip.

It's just funny when you sit and think about all the things that we are afraid of collectively, especially the irrational fears.

Really, it's a wonder we ever even go outta the house (oh, that's right, we kinda don't).

Take me for example.

You all should know by now that I'm spooked by outer space.

Yes, that's the standard, home of the sun and the moon, outer space. The one full of mysterious planets, menacing black holes, and the concept of traveling at the speed of light (which totally freaks me out and is quite possibly the catalyst for my fear).

It's not like I'm scared of winding up in space (you know, 'cause NASA is really recruiting SAHMs of sub-par intelligence to galavant around in space).

It's the idea of space, it's uncontrollable vastness (since I'm a control freak); it's never ending neverendingness (since I like definitive things with a clear beginning and end), and it's uncharted bits (since I need to know exactly where I'm going and how I'm getting there, particularly in the midst of space travel).

But, it's not just me.

#1, he's afraid of girls (and scarecrows, but there's nothing irrational about that 'cause those things are creep-y).

It's not that he's actually admitted this fear, but it's totally obvious as every time he's in the presence of a girl he plasters on his please-don't-look-at-me-I'm-hideous face and kicks rocks like Charlie Brown. Oh, and he tries to drown himself or throw himself into incoming traffic, depending on the availability of each.

It's not the fear that's irrational (many grown men are afraid of women, as they should be), it's his response that's kooky.

#3, he seems to be scared of the idea that one day he could suddenly be without food.

So, to combat this fear, and prepare for it, he makes it his daily quest to eat everything in sight. Every. Thing.

#2 has the worst of it.

He's built up a library of irrational fears that seem to govern his life.

I'm not certain of the exact reason for this, but I've narrowed it down to two things:

1) He spends a great deal of his time getting into sh** making bad choices and attempting to avoid the consequences of those. People who live on the edge have a reason to be afraid; if not because they fear the consequences, then because they have first hand knowledge of just how effing crazy people can be.

2) He asks questions and when people don't know the answer, they make one up leading him to strange, and frightening conclusions.

Mimi is a chronic offender in this (which is why she's earned this week's Thursday's Thank You).

She has spawned his fear of the cops (all you have to do is mention that they are in the vicinity and he straightens up and flies right, like he's got a pistol stashed under his booster seat) by her former obsession with COPS (the show). The kid knew the theme song by heart and could accurately reenact a Tasing by the time he was two. You should seem him do it; acting genius!

Mimi is also responsible for his belief of the Booga Bear (a forest dwelling 2nd cousin of the Boogie Man). And, while this has come in handy around bedtime (I strategically avoided clearing this one up), it did lead to an unnatural fear of camping, hiking, and fishing that didn't bother me directly (as I hate all these activities as they put me in close contact with dirt and bugs), but did make for a time consuming and embarrassing explanation to witnesses.

And, lastly, Mimi can be blamed for the child's fear of masturbation (or whatever it is they are doing when they are rubbing their mini man parts raw from sun up to sundown). I'm not particularly against him being a little scared of this (something about my baby jerkin' it makes me wanna hurl), but according to developmental professionals this is natural and normal and helps him develop a healthy sexual whatever Last thing I need on my hands is some outcast, sexual deviant to deal with. Never mind the professionals, Mimi, in her infinite wisdom informed him that if he yanks it too much it will fall off (apparently that's what happened to her), which scared the jerk right outta him. Unfortunately, it has also had the unintended affect of confusing him about the difference between boys and girls (since Mimi is WAY smarter than me). No matter what I say he is convinced that boys & girls are the exact same at birth. Girls just couldn't get enough of the hand action leading them to spend the remained of their lives as eunuchs.

I'm convinced this is Mimi's way of punishing me for being an annoying brat as a child (and sometimes even now).

Well played, Mimi.

Well played.

Thank you, and you're welcome.

Inside reads: Dear Mimi, Thank you for confusing my child regarding law enforcement procedures, supernatural beings, and sex. Lucky for me I have the next 10-14 years to straighten it all out. Let's hope this doesn't make him one of those crazy leprechaun spotting, sex freaks, who run from the cops 'cause they "was scurd (aka scared)". If that turns out to be the case, you will be identified as his primary care giver so blame can be accurately assigned. Why don't you just take over now, you know, to prevent future complications? His bag is packed. Good luck! XOXO, Dumb Mom

Disclaimer: I would never actually give my child away. At least not for free. And, don't steal this lovely card design, BFF will take you out!


Anonymous said...

How funny and scary! LOL I would love it if my boys were scared of girls for awhile! That's not a bad thing--you'll wish they were when they're teenagers:) My boys are always trying to scare each other, but not too bad. Scary movies freak them out, so they don't watch (the older ones). My junior watched some 80s scary movie and slept on the couch for the rest of the summer! I was secretely glad, because I hate scary movies, too. That's something I won't have to deal with:)

Have a great day! Your children are sooooo precious:)

The Blonde Duck said...

My SIL is scared of the ocean for the same reason you're scared of space.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I'm freaked out by the thought of space too! Or like ... what happens when everything is done. You know, like, when the earth explodes or whatever it's gonna do eventually when it gets too tired to support our leaching human asses ... then what?


In regards to the jacking/wanking/jerking/whatever you call it for a kid that age: Colin went through that stage somethin' fierce. And coupled with the fact that he's usually pantsless, it was incredibly unnerving. So I just told him, "It's fine to do that, but you have to do it in your room with the door closed." He did that for a while and then eventually stopped touching himself altogether for the most part because, well, being holed up in his room was boring and isolating.

Just a thought. :)

Mama Cas said...

I'm afraid of a life without my delicious Mountain Dew.

Irrational? Maybe.

Just a little.

Lolli said...

Oh my goodness! I am totally cracking up!! Just in case you were curious--my kids are scared, no terrified, of "charachters." Ie--anybody dressed up in a costume with a mask. Disneyland is a place of terror for them because there are scary characters all over the place. They seriously cross the street to walk as far away as possible. Oh, and clowns? Not happy about them either.

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...


ooooooh oooooooh ahhhhhh ahhhhhh

Oh Sorry, I got carried away!

Mira said...

Thankfully my MIL has not implanted any ideas in my kids yet except the one where throwing tantrums will actually get you her sympathy. But as long as they never expect the same outta me I guess we're ok. It's my FIL who has all the crazy Rush Limbaugh kind of ideas about America who worries me. That will be fun.

Amanda {My Life Badly Written} said...

My 4 year old is scared of loud noise things like drills, my magimix, the vaccum cleaner - weird - my hubby bought him ear defenders so that he can be in the same room. He looks cute in them though LOL!

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! Returning the lurve!!

I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

We have strange fears around here too - I'm sure you'll recall my Orca Whale fear post.... but I laughed soo hard at your space fear it made me feel better.

angie said... I cannot breathe.

You out did yourself this time. This is stand up!

Kathy B! said...

I'm afraid to click on the link to the leprechaun spotting sex freaks!!

Foursons said...

OK, I think I love Mimi. That girl has got a good head on her shoulders! And I am cracking up about how she explained why her nether regions look different then his. LOL

And I think I have a #3 in my home. Several of them actually.

Unknown Mami said...

These all sound like perfectly rational fears to me. Then again I am terrified of ordering pizza for delivery. I just won't do it. I'll pay other people to do it for me.

Amy said...

Crack. Me. Up. I too am afraid of outer space - it creeps me out. Full Moons too. I am afraid of little boys for THAT reason. I just don't think I would be able to take it. That is why I have girls.

lynne b. [my life in blog] said...

you know those big tall blown up things that wiggle and move in front of car lots? they look like really, really tall, creepy people? im am freaked over those. i think they come from your creepy outerspace.

Raising Z said...

We have a bunch of quirky fears around here as well! I wish my son was afraid that he would never eat again....he is so picky. Good luck with preschool tomorrow for #2 and thanks for stopping by my blog today :)

Orange Juice said...

I'm scared of everything LOL

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Outer space is SCARY! When I was pregnant (and had hormone crazies) I would break into a sweat thinking about Visitors.

And I want to use Mimi's scare tactics on my sons. Especially my oldest. I HATE that.

Mom of Three said...

Lol. Poor kiddos. As usual, I loved your note.
and scarecrows ARE creepy!

stepfabulous said...

OMG - I soooo wanna meet Mimi! I'm loving the falling off part!

Jennifer said...

I'm afraid of lizards, like the little green garden ones that just hang out and eat bugs. How irrational is that?

And I totally sing to the Bud, "bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when I come for you, bad boy." LOL

Anonymous said...

So I read your blog on my phone at my parents' house, and I was laughing so hard that I had to tell my mom about it. She rolled her eyes and said "Thanx, Mom." Then I said, "See, this is why I don't let you teach the boys anything."
Thanks for proving my point.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

OMG, I'm dying! Hilarious.
My stepson is afraid of all kinds of crazy things. Being alone, the dark, but also tsunamis, any kind of natural weather occurences, anything he hears about the war/bombing....I could go on and on.......

TKW said...

Hi-larious!!! Your Mimi sounds like a pistol!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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