Spook-kay

Casa de Dummies is filled with scardey cats.

And, we're gonna talk about because my girl, Mama Kat said I should:)!

We are a family living in fear.

Actually, that's not as bad as it sounds since fear, or should I say protection from scary crap, can be quite the bargaining chip.

It's just funny when you sit and think about all the things that we are afraid of collectively, especially the irrational fears.

Really, it's a wonder we ever even go outta the house (oh, that's right, we kinda don't).

Take me for example.

You all should know by now that I'm spooked by outer space.



Yes, that's the standard, home of the sun and the moon, outer space. The one full of mysterious planets, menacing black holes, and the concept of traveling at the speed of light (which totally freaks me out and is quite possibly the catalyst for my fear).

It's not like I'm scared of winding up in space (you know, 'cause NASA is really recruiting SAHMs of sub-par intelligence to galavant around in space).

It's the idea of space, it's uncontrollable vastness (since I'm a control freak); it's never ending neverendingness (since I like definitive things with a clear beginning and end), and it's uncharted bits (since I need to know exactly where I'm going and how I'm getting there, particularly in the midst of space travel).

But, it's not just me.

#1, he's afraid of girls (and scarecrows, but there's nothing irrational about that 'cause those things are creep-y).



It's not that he's actually admitted this fear, but it's totally obvious as every time he's in the presence of a girl he plasters on his please-don't-look-at-me-I'm-hideous face and kicks rocks like Charlie Brown. Oh, and he tries to drown himself or throw himself into incoming traffic, depending on the availability of each.

It's not the fear that's irrational (many grown men are afraid of women, as they should be), it's his response that's kooky.

#3, he seems to be scared of the idea that one day he could suddenly be without food.

So, to combat this fear, and prepare for it, he makes it his daily quest to eat everything in sight. Every. Thing.

#2 has the worst of it.

He's built up a library of irrational fears that seem to govern his life.

I'm not certain of the exact reason for this, but I've narrowed it down to two things:

1) He spends a great deal of his time getting into sh** making bad choices and attempting to avoid the consequences of those. People who live on the edge have a reason to be afraid; if not because they fear the consequences, then because they have first hand knowledge of just how effing crazy people can be.

2) He asks questions and when people don't know the answer, they make one up leading him to strange, and frightening conclusions.

Mimi is a chronic offender in this (which is why she's earned this week's Thursday's Thank You).

She has spawned his fear of the cops (all you have to do is mention that they are in the vicinity and he straightens up and flies right, like he's got a pistol stashed under his booster seat) by her former obsession with COPS (the show). The kid knew the theme song by heart and could accurately reenact a Tasing by the time he was two. You should seem him do it; acting genius!

Mimi is also responsible for his belief of the Booga Bear (a forest dwelling 2nd cousin of the Boogie Man). And, while this has come in handy around bedtime (I strategically avoided clearing this one up), it did lead to an unnatural fear of camping, hiking, and fishing that didn't bother me directly (as I hate all these activities as they put me in close contact with dirt and bugs), but did make for a time consuming and embarrassing explanation to witnesses.

And, lastly, Mimi can be blamed for the child's fear of masturbation (or whatever it is they are doing when they are rubbing their mini man parts raw from sun up to sundown). I'm not particularly against him being a little scared of this (something about my baby jerkin' it makes me wanna hurl), but according to developmental professionals this is natural and normal and helps him develop a healthy sexual whatever Last thing I need on my hands is some outcast, sexual deviant to deal with. Never mind the professionals, Mimi, in her infinite wisdom informed him that if he yanks it too much it will fall off (apparently that's what happened to her), which scared the jerk right outta him. Unfortunately, it has also had the unintended affect of confusing him about the difference between boys and girls (since Mimi is WAY smarter than me). No matter what I say he is convinced that boys & girls are the exact same at birth. Girls just couldn't get enough of the hand action leading them to spend the remained of their lives as eunuchs.

I'm convinced this is Mimi's way of punishing me for being an annoying brat as a child (and sometimes even now).

Well played, Mimi.

Well played.

Thank you, and you're welcome.



Inside reads: Dear Mimi, Thank you for confusing my child regarding law enforcement procedures, supernatural beings, and sex. Lucky for me I have the next 10-14 years to straighten it all out. Let's hope this doesn't make him one of those crazy leprechaun spotting, sex freaks, who run from the cops 'cause they "was scurd (aka scared)". If that turns out to be the case, you will be identified as his primary care giver so blame can be accurately assigned. Why don't you just take over now, you know, to prevent future complications? His bag is packed. Good luck! XOXO, Dumb Mom


Disclaimer: I would never actually give my child away. At least not for free. And, don't steal this lovely card design, BFF will take you out!