Note to Self

Normally I spend Thursday's thanking others.

I focus on how they are helpful (at nothing), or kind (of sucky), or just plain awesome (in a not so awesome way that essentially makes them, um, awesome!).

But, despite the fact that numerous people have earned a thanking this week (particularly the garage fixing man who informed me that, although I paid him $400, he is no longer available to complete my garage fixing job since he fell outta a barn and shattered is lower half. Awesome. Glad you made it and all, but GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!), I'm gonna spend this Thursday talking about myself.

Why you ask?

I'll tell you why (like you didn't know I was going to).

Because I spend a whole butt load of time taking issue with and griping about the idiocy of others, when really I'm starting to notice a common denominator in all of my most sucky situations...ME!

So, I need to remind myself that sometimes (on rare, almost unheard of occasions) the sucky person is me.

And, while it doesn't happen often that I'm to blame for effing things up, it does occur from time to time and it's only fair that I own that.

And besides, Mama Kat sujested that this week's Writer's Workshop be a letter to the object of your affection, and honestly I can't think of someone I'm more affectionate with than myself.

So, Dumb Mom, this one's for you...from you.

REad it and weep, because that's what you always do anyway.

Dear Dumb Mom, Thanks for effin' things up for us again. You are chronically biting off more than you can chew and I am kinda getting sick of it. I mean seriously, learn to say NO! It can't be that difficult since like 99% of babies can claim it as their first word. What's your problem? Do you seriously want to babysit, for free, again? I don't think you even like kids. Which leads me to the whole preschool party planning thing. How in the Halibut did you get roped into that shizzle? Oh, they asked you? BEcause no one else volunteered? Too. Bad! Seriously, you simply can not be in charge of the entire planning, prepping, and production of a party for 18 some odd 4 year olds. Particularly not while you chase The Ruffian (aka #3) from wall to wall to prevent him from mouth stuffing all of the snacks (and by snacks I mean glue sticks, crayons, and puzzle pieces). You're just not that awesome. You litterly suck at crafting, you can hardly control your own offspring, let alone anyone else's, and you have work, photo sessions, home parties to plan (have you even thought about your son's birthday next weekend?), soccer, basketball, babysitting for free, and going insane to consider as well. There is just no time for extracurriculars like sleeping (although somehow time for excessive food consuption is readily available) left. And, you need your sleep! Without it you do ridiculously embarrassing things, like leave your house sporting a polyester sweat suit (yes friends, of the matxhing jacket and zipper pants variety, sad, just plain sad). That is just not allowed. You looked like an effing boxer for crying out loud. And, not the title winning kind. You were more like the just-came-outta-retirement-to-earn-some-extra-cash-since-we-all-can't-rock-the-infomercials-circuit kind of boxer. Not cute. Shameful really since, if I recall, you were quite the fashion guru in your pre I-do-whatever-people-ask-of-me-even-if-it-makes-me-cry-myself-to-sleep-at-night days. So sad to see what you've become. But, I'm officially putting an end to this madness. No more throwing of baby showers, no more giving people extra hours of photography (for free) because you feel bad, no more changin your work schedule to the sucky times because no one else will. We're done. I'm putting my, I mean YOUR, foot down. This can not go on. We don't even have time to stalk read people's blogs anymore. What kind of life is this you're living? Blog stalking is important! So, consider this an intervention. Next step is rehab (do they even have a place for people like you? Like, Women Who Say Yes All The Time Because They Feel Bad Annoynmous?) and no one likes rehab, accept for maybe like Lindsay Lohan, and you don't wanna be like her, she sucks.

Feel free to leave Dumb Mom comments about how and why she should give up her life as a Yes Woman. I really don't think I, I mean she, I mean I beleive there is a way out at this point.

In too deep.

No turning back.

I'm pretty much like an indentured servant, only without the handy little contract that says it'll be over soon. It's an endless cycle of volunteering (or being volunteered) for things that overwhelm you, exhaust you, and rob you of your zest for life.

Please tell me I'm not the only mom/woman who feels this way?! Please? No really, I need to hear you say it.

I just keep telling myself that my kids are healthy, I have a nice house, and like 3 really cool IRL friends, so if that means that from time to time (or multiple times per month, as the case may be) I have to sacrifice my time (and sanity) for the benefit of others so be it, I guess.

At least I'll be getting some help of my own soon...

Thanks to the people at Care.com I was able to locate a sweet babysitter who seems to be a good fit for the dudes (meaning, no one punched her in the throat or tried to touch her boobs when she came over).

And, lucky for you, since this is National Family Care Giver Month (who knew!) the people in charge over there are giving a free weekend of access for anyone who is interested in searching for a local babysitter, tutor, pet sitter, or housekeeper (wait? I didn't know they had housekeepers! Hells yea!).

You can even get free background checks (wonder if those tell you if your sitter appears in an episode of Girls Gone Wild? So cool if it does!)!

Maybe I can even direct the people who ask me to watch their kids to the site and then they can find someone more qualified (aka someone who likes other people's kids) to watch their kids too.

It worked for me, so maybe it can work for them (and you) too!

I'm on a Roll

I know the month isn't quite over yet, but might as well post this now before the list gets outta hand

10 Dumb Things I Did this Month

1. Forgot #3's shoes when we went to the park. When we arrived I considered letting him run around with just one shoe (b/c somehow there was one in the car). I thought I could pretend that he had lost it at the park. But, then my mommy conscious (damn that thing) kicked in, and off to Kmart (quite possibly the worst store on the planet) we went.

2. To remedy the above, I purchased a pair of Spiderman adorned water shoes. Why water shoes, you ask? Because #3 has two pairs of sneakers, a pair of leather sandals, and a pair of casual sandals. Basically, he doesn't need shoes. So, water shoes it was; never mind that water shoes aren't exactly appropriate for park play.

3. Spent the better part of an hour chasing behind one-shoed #3 while waving a cast off water shoe in the air. Well played, #3. Well played.

4. Decided to change diaper bags (note: I use that term loosely to refer to huge purse that has a ton of crap in it, including diapers, wipes, and child friendly snacks). So, very proud of the $4 Target purse that was huge and cute and sturdy. Sadly, upon arriving to the park for a play, I realized that I had forgotten the key ingredient that turns the bag from a purse into a diaper bag. You know. The frickin' diapers! #3 pleasured us all by droppin' a dewey about 30 minutes after our arrival. Perfectly timed as always because it was too much time to let his sensitive heiney stew in it, but too little time to allow for me to run to the store, purchase supplies, and still make it back to #2's preschool in time to avoid being fined, ridiculed, and embarrassed. #3 received his first lesson in free ballin'. I think he quite enjoyed it.

5. Forgot to reset the TiVo after some stupid software download deleted all of my season passes. Yes, I missed the Bachelorette, So You Think You Can Dance, NJ Housewives; every single show that keeps me sane.

6. Drove #1 75% of the way to karate. Glanced in the rear view mirror and noted that the silly boy was wearing shin guards to hi... Drat! Abort! Abort! You are going the wrong way, Dummy! Luckily my lead foot prevented him from being late, but this is ridiculous. What was that, like the third time?

7. Engaged #2 in a battle of wills. He wanted to have macaroni and cheese, tater tots, and mashed potatoes for dinner (a starch lover after my own heart). I said, "No, Sir!". He sat (fidgety, but in chair), until I could wait no more, or risk #1 being late for soccer (or, was it karate?). Tater tots and macaroni, but absolutely no mashed potatoes.

8. Told a joke to some little girls at a photo shoot. I am funny, but I do not do jokes. Parents gave me a sympathy laugh that I'm pretty sure made me feel even worse and more awkward.

9. Tried my hand at some sort of weight loss supplement BFF recommended to me. It works! But, anything that gives you a deadly case of the mud butt, is probably also going to ruin your appetite and destroy any inclination you have to eat, thereby causing you to lose weight. What a handy little side effect.

10. Spent one, single moment, crying, whining, and complaining about my lot in life. It has it's sucky moments, but I would not change it for the world (unless the world were made out of chocolate, and then I'd have to seriously consider it!)

And, almost forgot: Beth Parker from Crafts Crazy is our Monkey Thank You Giveaway Winner. Feel free to stop by and say congrats!