Cent Saving Saturday: For DSLR Owners

Before I get into the BEST GIVEAWAY EVER HOSTED ON pBd, let me announce last week’s winner of the Yoplait Smoothie prize package.

Drum roll…

Seriously, people, DRUM.  ROLL…

It’s Rebecca from Unexplained X2!

Go check out her cute twin babes and congratulate her on her win!

Now if you own a DSLR camera, you are gonna want to listen up and get your giveaway-entering-fingers ready.

If you don’t own a DSLR you need to listen up so you can have yet another reason to spank your naughty self for not investing in this technological wonder.

Okay.

So excited can barely even type!

Recently I found a little miracle worker that made me love my camera even more.

I honestly never imagined I could love an inanimate object as much as I love this camera and now it’s even more amazing thanks to this little do hickey…

This, my friends, is called a Light Scoop and if you are not familiar with it don’t be ashamed, because until recently I didn’t know about it either (which is amazing since I make it a point to know pretty much everything).

But, now that I do, I take it with me every where (along with my camera).

So what is this little dream maker I’m so attached to?

Well, if you are too lazy to click on the links and read all about it or, if you clicked on the link and got all sweaty because it said something about science, let me break it down for you.

Basically, the Light Scoop uses science to make your on camera flash your friend.

I HATED my on-camera flash before I met the Light Scoop.

Like literally hated it.

I am a natural light photographer in my day job and as a result I have little use for my flash most of the time.

But, there are times (like during this never ending, from Hell of a winter) when using a flash is unavoidable.

And, although I own heavy, professional type, off camera flashes I don’t wanna have to haul all that crap out just to take a picture of #3’s chocolate covered face.

So.  I would often wind up with pictures like this (sans Light Scoop)…

I know.

Wanna gag, right?!

All the hot spots and the icky bleached out parts and we’re lucky he wasn’t moving because in that low light it woulda been even worse.

Ew.

But.

Look at this (with Light Scoop)…

I know, right!

Holy awesomeness Batman!

It’s not perfect (because none of my photos ever are), but it’s much improved.

Just adding the Light Scoop changed that from a photo-I-will-delete-before-I-upload to one I might go ahead and keep.

Makes me wanna kiss Professor Kobre’s hairy little feet.

It is seriously the best camera accessory for the everyday user I’ve ever owned.

I use it daily I love it that much!

And, how will spending money on this allow you to save money in the long run?

Well, because now you, being the everyday user that you are, won’t need to buy one of the more expensive external flash units that will cost you even more in time as you learn to use it correctly (a step lots of people skip, but still, theoretically).

Even more advanced users will find this product useful because, as I mentioned, those other units are heavier and more cumbersome and pulling them out (and waiting for the dang things to “warm up”) causes you to miss moments like these…

And, if you have a house anything like mine, sweet moments don’t last long before it’s right back to this…

So you’re convinced right?

And you want one of your own so you can say Dumb Mom uses this to take awesome pictures and I want to have that too (well, don’t count on it, but you can try!).

Well you can buy one from Professor Kobre himself.

Or.

You can win one from me!*

Here’s what you do…

1.  Follow me.  I only give stuff to people who love me; I’m petty like that, I really, truly am.

2.  Follow Light Scoop on Facebook.

3.  Leave a comment here telling me you are following and what type of camera you have.**  Click this link to see what type the Light Scoop is compatible with (they are on the right hand side, a little under the Flickr stuff).

That’s it!

But, if you want extra entries you can…

1.  Tweet this (1 extra): “I just entered to win a Light Scoop from parenting BY dummies and you should too!” Along with a link to the post.

2.  Follow me on Facebook (1 extra).  Be sure to inform me in your comment if you already do this.

3.  Follow me on Twitter (1 extra).  Again, just let me know if you already do.

3.  Blog about the contest (5 extra).  I’m not gonna give you the words for that ‘cause I’m too lazy into creative freedom like that.

And if, for some strange reason, you are not into free stuff you can always just go to the Light Scoop website and buy one for yourself.  They are only like $35!

But, I’d wait until next Saturday (3/6/2010) when this contest ENDS, you know, just in case!***

 

 

*Well, I guess the one you win will technically be from him too as the people at Light Scoop are supplying one for me to give away.  But.  You should know that they did NOT give me mine, I actually bought it and decided to help give one to you guys because I LOVE it and think you will too!

**If it’s for a friend or relative or to sell on eBay that’s cool too, just say that!

***Think I covered all of the rules, but if you have one that you think I should have added, by all means, go ahead and follow it!

RanDumb (re)View

Oh I just love looking back over the week and sharing all of the ranDumbness* with you guys.

And, this was a busy week.

So let’s jump right in!

This guy brought the mullet back on American Idol…

#3 is gonna be so happy to hear that he’s not the only one rockin’ a mullet like he means it.

Sadly since the AI Afro wearing rep (aka Tyler Grady) was voted off last night, #2 has little hope of getting his style brought back to trendy.

In Bachelor news, Rozlyn cheating-hussy-extraordinaire made an appearance on the famed Women Tell All episode to look like a complete douche-bag-liar-pants clear her name.

She denied everything, saying that she absolutely did not have an inappropriate relationship with a show producer. And, the fact that they are still seeing each other is really no evidence that she did.

Yeahright.

Not sure why she doesn’t just admit they hooked up because Jake is gay just not her type. I think we’d all understand it and based on her personality we wouldn’t even find it all that surprising.

Honestly, I don’t even care. My opinion is that at least 68% of Bachelor hopefuls are fame seeking tramps. Sometimes they make it pretty far on the show…

Sometimes they don’t.

But really, who even cares? Point is that we have generally low expectations for the moral character of the Bachelor contestants. We expect you to be trashy, conniving, and strategic. That’s why we watch. If all of you were rainbow-pooping-Disney-wannabes like Tenley the show would be pretty boring.

So, be my guest, ho it up Roz, just be honest about it.

Whores I’m fine with.

Liars?

Not so much.

Anyway.

Let’s talk about The View.

I warned you last week that this was gonna be happening and if you didn’t heed those warnings and watch this week so that we could have a meaningful discussion that’s your bad.**

Just shut it and listen.

I’m 100% okay with that, especially because my girl Kerri is here this week to weigh in on the two most controversial guests of the week.

The Octomom and The Situation.

Well, The Situation was accompanied by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore, but personally, I think some of the other characters are, as Simon Cowel likes to say, forgettable.

Not Snooki, of course, but some of the others.

But.

Let me just to remind you how this Blab Fest works, Kerri or I come up with the questions to ask to each other and then we both share our thoughts. You are welcome to get involved if you want (and by get involved I mean LEAVE COMMENTS!).

Let’s start with the baby making monster.

1. Nadya Suleman. Delusional and in denial? She said it, so what do you think?

Dumb Mom: Uh, yeah. Delusional, in denial, and stone cold crazy in a I’m-sorta-doing-this-on-purpose-to-make-people-watch-my-train-wreck-of-a-life-so-I-can-get-PAID way. I can’t even begin to go into detail about what she does/did or what her points were on the show because honestly I can’t get over her attire.

If she is gonna keep up these appearances (although haven’t we all had enough already? This is the longest 15 minutes ever!) she should drop one of her 3 nannies and hire a stylist.

Cause, she looked ridiculous.

I know she’s all proud of her body (bold faced lying when she said she wasn’t trying to get back into a bikini) because it has turned into her money maker, literally. But really, ew?

That’s the best you could do for Whoopi, and Joy, and Sherry, and the other chick?

With black tights no less?!

Shame! Shame!

Shame on you Quattuordecimom (I know Octomom sounds better, but this whole situation is compounded by the six kids she already had so we can’t leave them out) for insulting us by saying you weren’t even trying to get bikini-body and for assaulting us with that hideous dress.

Seriously, disappear already, kay?!

And, in the name of all that is holy, don’t have any more kids!

Kerri: Nadya Suleman- IS COO COO for COCO Puffs!!! This lady needs a psych evaluation PRONTO!!! I hope she’s not being left alone with her children for long periods of time because she looks like one of those moms who’d snap on their kids. And her laugh OMFG – STOP IT PLEASE!!! This interview was extremely entertaining, I mean I laughed the whole dang time she was on the screen but I rolled my eyes SOO many times at her ridiculous claims. She needs to quit lying and saying she didn’t get surgery for her current body. GUUURRRRLLL!!! U a lie cause there’s NO way your skin stretched SOOO much with those 8 babies and you have NO left over skin after giving birth. Please!!! GTFOH! Bottom line, girl, get some mental help cause you’re just sick in the head.

And, for the reality superstars of the moment.

2. Jersey Shore. Love it or hate it?

Dumb Mom: Gotta be honest when I say that I don’t actually watch the show (I know, surprise, there are some raunchy MTV programs I don’t watch), but I have seen it. And I woulda watched it but I kept forgetting to.

Anyway, point is, I don’t see what’s so wrong about it.

I know Joy was all peeved because they aren’t really Italian (which should make her happy actually because do you really want to have to claim them?).

And, I know Whoopi’s beef was that they should be more responsible with their cash or whatever because their 15 minutes will be up soon (which if Octodork is any indication, that’s not entirely true).

But honestly, again, who even cares?

They are smutty acting people filling a spot in entertainment. I don’t care if they grow up to be smart or have good jobs or any of that crap. Call me a selfish loser, but I just don’t care what they do after the show because I’m in it for the joy of watching other people suck.

And yes, watching other people suck is sorta one of my hobbies.

So shoot me. Or punch me in the face next time you see me at the bar.

Whatever.

All I want is a fancy name and then The Jersey Shore people can disappear forever. Or not.

Because if The View chicks get to have them (Whoopi-"The Administration.” Joy-"The Assumption.” Elisabeth-“The Attraction.” Sherri-"The Duplication.”) then I want one too.

They can call me “The Addiction”, because people just can’t get enough of me (insert maniacal Nadya Suleman laugh)!

Point is I don’t love them personally, but I do love that they exist for my trash-TV-viewing pleasure!

Kerry: Honestly these people make me lose brain cells whenever I watch them or hear them speak but for some reason, I CANNOT avoid the train wreck I see coming. I personally think “The Situation” and Snooki are hilarious. Whatever world they’re living in, I wanna be a citizen because their ideals on life is SOOOO twisted. I loved the names “The Situation” gave to the ladies though. Was it me or did Snooki shake her head NO when Joy asked if they were all using condoms? Ahhhh Snooki, Snooki, Snooki – Umm, the camera should’ve zoomed in on her cause that’s just NASTY. If she did indeed say no, that’s a dumb move. Girl, lie dang it, don’t make yourself look worse than you’re already acting.

See all of the crazy excitement you missed this week on The View?

Seriously, watch it.

And, I know you probably don’t have time to watch it in the middle of the day when you are focusing on whether or not your potty training Baby P.I.M.P is droppin’ it like it’s hot in the corner of your living room other stuff, but you can TiVo it, or if you are the last person on the planet to not have TiVo, you could watch it online. Obviously you have Internet access.

So join us for more trash talkin’ fun on next week’s Blab Fest.

*Also joining Mrs. 4444s @ Half Past Kissin' Time for another week of Friday Fragments!

**Forgot to mention last week that I’m getting some free tote bag that I probably won’t even carry for sharing my intellectual insights on The View. Please note that a free bag is not enough to coerce me into saying sweet things about them so when I get fed up with their arguing, or when Elizabeth pisses me off, I’ll tell you. Provided I didn’t fast forward over that part. Now, if they wanted to have me on the show I might be more inclined to beef up my posts with pleasantries, you know ‘cause I only talk crap about people behind their backs and have no intentions of going to blows with Sherry on the air (or off the air for that matter). Unless there was cash involved and then, put your damn dukes up Sherry! I’m a huge fan of using bribery to get what you want.

Wanna share your The View posts for the week? Link away...

Baby P.I.M.P

Don’t go getting all bawdy on me.

It’s not what you think.

I actually sorta wish it were.

Because instead of this…

funny, cuteness.

We are over here stuck in the throws of potty training Hell and I don’t have time for comedy or crassness (who am I kidding, there is ALWAYS time for a little crass?!).

For the duration of this urine-soaked-feces-stained adventure, we will be referring to #3 as Baby P.I.M.P not because of his well developed backhanding abilities, or his commitment to outlandish hats.

In this case P.I.M.P does not refer to an agent for prostitutes who lives off their earnings (you know, I love Wikipedia, I really do).

In our house P.I.M.P refers to Party In My Pants, instead of in the potty as it should be.

Because in the last week Baby P.I.M.P has peed in every room on the first level of my home and at least 50% of the upstairs area as well.

Additionally, he has dropped a turd (well, technically I dropped it as I sprinted to the bathroom with him in my arms, butt exposed to the world) in my basement and in my kitchen, or my hallway, or…

Not really sure exactly where the second one was produced, but it fell out of his pants leg (and rolled into a corner) somewhere between the kitchen and the bathroom.*

Point is at the moment I am feeling both exhausted and filthy.

My house smells like the subway and I’m sick to death of chasing naked Baby P.I.M.P all over the place to prevent a spot marking incident.

At the moment the only positive is that there is hope that I will soon be saying buh-bye to diapers.

As you may know I am/was a part-time cloth diapering mama.

I use the things when I’m home (Dumb Dad categorically refused to use the things claiming they are well beyond his scope of parenting).

I can’t claim to be a staunch naturalist in this (or any) regard, but I would scream their praises from the rooftops (if I had a stable rooftop to climb upon and a rapt audience at my disposal).

They are awesome for all of the reasons people say they are…less diaper rash, easier on the wallet, better for the environment, not really as hard as they used to be, so stinking cute it’s ridiculous.

But, there was one little element that I hadn’t prepared for…they stink!

Like for reals.

Fonk-key.

#3 is actually The Baby Previously Known as Bus Station Booty, because I swear those things were as nasty smelling as a homeless-man-inhabited bus station stairwell.

So Dumb Dad started calling him Bus Station Booty.

I know it probably had a lot to do with my under performance in the cloth diaper cleaning department, but I swear I tried.

I sprayed them down with the hose after every soiling, I let them soak in a bucket of bacteria friendly water, I washed them twice in our high powered washing machine, on the sanitizing cycle, I hung them outside to dry, hoping the fresh air would seal out the ugly.

No dice.

Still stank.

So, I’m happy to send them on the road and graduate him to chonies.**

Because we are also part-time pull-up avoiders.

We use them when we are not home.

Otherwise we don’t.

Which is why my entire house has been touched by bodily waste.

Because I can’t always catch him.

Sometimes I am tied up talking on the phone checking my email stuffing my face while I hide in the garage cooking dinner.

And then he creeps off to a secret location and unleashes the dragon.

Even though he got this shiny wonder of potty training awesomeness***…

Yep, it’s a Baby Bjorn Smart Potty (which I think means it is guaranteed to lead to potty training success, right?).

But, Mr. I’ll-pee-where-I-want-and-you-can’t-stop-me still acts all put out about doing his naughty on the potty…

I mean, I don’t get it, it looks comfy enough (I considered trying it for the sake of doing a full review, but figured I’d probably shatter it).

I can attest that it has a removable potty-catching part (which is way awesome) that is easy to use (kids around here earn their keep, man, no free rides!)…

And, you can use it for tons of other stuff cool stuff too…

Point is you’d think he’d be happier about making deposits.

But he’s not.

So. I’ve decided to regroup.

Take a different approach and get everyone (and by everyone I pretty much just mean P.I.M.P) on the same peeing-on-the-floor-is-evil page.

A list, perhaps?

Personally, I always make them when trying to decide on the best course of action (and when Mama Kat tells me to!).

So, Baby P.I.M.P.

To convince you…

10 Reasons Giving Up Diapers Will Make You More Awesome

1. Buh-bye bus station booty.

2. No need to hold still for diaper changes (not that you ever did this anyway).

3. Diarrhea up your back will end forever (to be replaced by diarrhea down your leg, but still).

4. You can play in the potty bathroom with your brothers.

5. You can participate in the unsanctioned activities as described above in #4 and get in trouble just like they do. That will make you a bad a$%. Girls like that.

6. You will no longer have to sneak off to do your business (no more crouching behind the couch and batting at me like an injured raccoon).

7. You can get cool character chonies like Bruver and Wee (#3’s nickname for #2).

8. You can dress yourself like you want (seriously, I don’t care if you wear snow boots and board shorts everyday for the rest of your life just PEE. IN. THE. POTTY!).

9. I’ll give you candy (and other stuff) with the extra cash we save on diapers and wipes and pee-in-your-pants paraphernalia.

10. I’ll like you better.

See?!

Doesn’t this sound like a better way to live?

Happier? Healthier? Hotter?

You can’t be hot in a foul smelling cloth diaper with diarrhea up you back.

But this…

This is HOT!

Or, at least it will be once we work out the particulars.

So stop acting all hostile when I ask you if you need to use the potty.

Stop lurking around behind the couch and in the pantry.

No more lying about if you went (the neighbors can smell it so, really, why bother?).

I know you don’t want to be potty trained.

But I’m telling you it’s for the best.

It may not feel like it now, but when you’re successfully wearing big boy pants at school like all of the other kids you’ll be glad we did this.

And yes, you can THANK ME LATER!

Link is down there. Hook it up.

*Blessing in disguise is that his turds are like little rocks because he’s constipated himself by holding it in so long. He is strangely freaked out about dropping the kids off at the pool, but as long as he’s wearing underwear he refuses to let loose in those either. So, he holds it, for as long as he physically can, at which point his sphincter gives out and a turd tumbles free. It’s a little bit sad actually.

**Chonies- Mexican for underwear:)

***It was free because I’m a super cool Baby Bjorn Believer which basically means I love them and they love me right back. Ours is red though so it’s even more snazzy and gorgeous. You are welcome to choose from any of the other colors they have:)

Forbidden

That’s what I have been.

From cutting The Dudes’ hair.

Because when I get a hold of the scissors, bad things happen.

Very bad things.

In my own defense, I’d like to state, for the record, that I had good intentions.

I was sick of seeing #3’s bangs plastered to his face with snot.

Because he had a cold.

A wicked-bad-green-booger-snot-yellow-mucous-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-achy-stuffy-head-lucky-no-fever number.

And I thought, I can’t do a bloody thing about the cold, but I can get his hair unglued from his face.

I forgot, though, that I can tell you what I know about how to give a scissor cut to a dude in 3 seconds flat.

And, I’m not a 3 seconds flat story telling kind of chick.

Ya’ll know me (and yes, I really do use the word ya’ll in daily conversation.  Drives Dumb Dad batty.), I like to beat a story till it bleeds.

Kinda like right now.

You’re probably thinking why doesn’t she just get to the picture already?

What’s with all the unnecessary back-story?

That’s just how I roll.

I like to play a little hard to get.

Make you want it.

Do you want it?

You know you do.

Okay…

Here it is.

Business in the front…

Party in the back…

A mullet my friends.

I gave the kid an effing mullet.

Reminds me a little, okay a lot, of Uncle Jesse…

        

But it suits him I think.

Especially if he’s gonna grow up to be this cute…

 

Dumb Dad wanted me to reiterate that I am still, forever and always, banned from giving haircuts.

Whatever.

Uncle Jesse turned out okay.

Women Tell All, Like Always

23 down, 1 to go.

We are at that point in the show when abc airs the infamous “Women Tell All” episode in which the kicked-to-the-curb bachelorettes get together to talk crap about each other, the bachelor himself, the show, Chris Harrison, the network, and the hard reality TV show lives they live.

It’s the goosipy-backstabbing-evil-thy-name-is-Rozlyn episode that makes me kinda embarrassed to be a chick.

It’s sorta like when I see stuff like this and I get a little embarrassed to be black American.

It’s great, though because you get to see them getting all gangsta-psycho-mean-girl on each other and sadly, when such haterade is not being poured on me, I’m pretty much okay with it in a oh-know-she-didn’t sorta way.

My least favorite part of this episode every season is the time they spend on showing previous bachelor/bachelorette’s.  I hate seeing them looking all happy on their stupid singles cruises.  Making out and getting drunk and wearing bikinis and muscly ab-topped swim trunks.

You’re single and you’re supposed to be sad and desperate and lonely (that’s why you go on the Bachelor, right?  ‘Cause your a love reject and you can’t take it anymore?).

And, I don’t care to see them acting all altruistic and charitable and crap. 

Makes it harder to hate them.

Anyway.  Enough of the Bachelor rejects.

How about I recap the most surprising amazing emotional shocking bachelorettes in Bachelor history for ya’?

You know you want it!

On the Wings of the Five Most Memorable Bachelor Rejects of Season 14 (in random order)

Elizabeth (from Nebraska).  I swear, everyone (except for me) who says dumb stuff should have a camera following them around so they could replay the tapes of their life and boo themselves.  I like her 10 times more than I did (which was pretty much not at all) on the show because she was able to do that.

Michelle.  ‘Memeber her?  The emotionally imbalanced stalker chick from Crazy Town California?  Yeah, how could you forget?!  She came off as a complete nut-bag on the show.  Crying.  Maniacal laughing.  Absurd claims and irrational statements.  All kinds of things that would make someone creepy.  But, I have to say that she pulled herself together a bit for this show.  She seemed a little standoffish and socially awkward, but you know, not entirely crazy.  I mean, at least she didn’t cry.  But, you can’t come back from that.  I don’t care what her newly-hired-PR-dude says, once a nutter, always a nutter that’s what I like to say.

Ali.  The fan favorite from the start.  Cute, girl-next-doorish-type-except-for-when-she-was-hating-on-Vienna.  She left The Bachelor for her job, but she’s made a vow to love as hard as she works.  Or something like that.  And, to make people love her for reals she made a point of apologizing to Vienna, saying that she would change things if she could, and using her pouty mouth when talking with Jake.  I’m not falling for it.  She’s awight or whatever, but after all of the Mean Girl she unleashed in the house I can’t buy the whole America’s sweetheart deal.  I’d kick it with her, ‘cause she reminds me of someone I know (and you know who you are!), but I can’t get on the Ali-is-awesome bandwagon.  I sorta hate wagons anyway.  Unless it’s the Dumb-Mom-is-awesome bandwagon and then I’m all for it!

Ashleigh.  They barely showed her on this episode but I have decided that I could hang with this chick too.  She gets inappropriately drunk, she says off the cuff things, and she flips the bird.  People just don’t flip the bird like they used to and I kinda miss it.

Rozlyn.  Oh Rozlyn.  She was asking for it, right?  Chris (the host for all of you nonwatchers) and all of the other castoffs said that she was a trampy-whore liar and that she was caught, on more than one occasion, dangerously close to bumpin uglies with “the producer”.  She said something about unicorns and magicians?!   She was so obviously lying because people who lie always try to make outlandish accusations (like that Chris Harrison tried to hook up with “the producer’s” wife*) to make the people telling the truth look like they are the liars.  I just love that she actually thought that she could come on the show, act all morally outraged and indignant, and America would look into her big bajongas eyes and believe in her.  Yeahno.

And now for the finalists.

Tenley, animated-Disney-princess formerly known as the missus-to-a-cheating-cop, and Vienna, backwoods-Florida-bayou-spoiled-brat formerly known as the missus-to-some-random-dude-she-married-in-a-drunken-stupor-briefly-to-spite-her-daddy.  These two are on opposite ends of the spectrum and it causes confusion.  It’s as though Jake has set it up so that it wouldn’t be strange for him to pass on both of these chicks.  They are such polar opposites that it’s hard to imagine that he’s really in love with either of them.  It’s not hard to imagine that the speculation is true.  That Jake really is gay.

He effing better not be gay.

Not because I have anything against the gays.**

I’m fine with the gays.  As a matter of fact I love the gays. 

They have excellent style sense, and they are funny, and a bunch of other stereotypical stuff.

But Jake better not be gay.

Because I didn’t just watch an entire season of a show designed to help him find the WOMAN of his dreams and all along he was jockin' Chris Harrison.

In the words of everyone’s favorite former crack head, Whitney Houston…Hell-to-the-no!

 

*I’m not saying the claim isn’t true.  I have absolutely no inside info on who Chris Harrison is or is not attempting to hook up with.  I’m saying that even bringing it up makes her look guilty.  I mean, I happen to know that two married people I know are having an affair with each other, but there is no way I’m gonna bring it up next time one of them asks me if I paid my credit card bill on time this month.  You just don’t do that.  Especially not if you aren’t lying!

**This term was coined by an elderly member of my family whose face I laughed out loud in when I heard it.  I can’t stop using it now because it’s so unbelievably bad that it’s sorta funny.

Make New (i)friends Monday: Never True Tales

Some people lie,
and some people don't
Some people try,
and others just won't

Well Amy don't lie,
but she likes to tell stories.
about chocolate and pie
and what makes her horny.

Okay, that's not right.
She's the one with the boys
who get into fights
with their lunches for joy.

She's the one who shares
about pit stops for kids,
because she cares
where your kid takes a whiz.

So thank Amy with
a visit or two
or I will get miffed
and drop kick you fool!

Spend a few moments with my girl Amy, and then, when you're all done, you can watch the video to see who was crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the first ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

And, I know whow ya'll like to get outta watching the videos, but you have to watch it if you wanna know who won; or you have to count up all 103 votes on your own.

I'm evil, aren't I?!

So today, I’ve been invited to be parenting By dummies’ ifriend, and don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be here, but I’m a bit intimidated, too. If you hadn’t noticed, PBD is one cool chick. Like, first-girl-in-junior-high-to-
not-only-get-a-bra-but-learn-that-Flashdance-trick-of-removing-it-through-her-ripped-tee-sleeves cool. And as you’ll learn, I’m…not. Just never came naturally to me, you know? Like hats. I could never wear hats, but my sister could. Effortlessly. She even pulled off those big bowed headband numbers.

I digress, but yeah, being an ifriend here at PBD is pretty much like getting invited to Jennifer Cascas’ 8th grade boy-girl party all over again. That time, I ended up standing in the corner repeatedly flipping through a back issue of Redbook Jennifer’s mom had left on the end table of the couch so I’d look all preoccupied and busy and not at all awkward, and it’s true: I learned loads about summer-time smoothies that make a splash, but this time, I’m determined to do better. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So this is me, front and center. Doing awkward things. (Imagine Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, but not as successful. Or as funny. Or on TV. Or fictional. What the what?) My point is, I’m going to be proactive. In the event you click over to Never-True Tales and take a look around, I want to make sure you and I are properly acquainted. To that end, I’ve compiled a short list of FAQs.

1. So Amy, who the heck are you, anyway? Where ya from? What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

How nice of you to ask. Most days, I don’t really know who I am, to be honest, which makes me just about like everybody else. I’m a wife, for starters, and I begin with that because for me, marriage came before most everything else worth mentioning: before the career, before the kids, before the blogging and the writing. Yep, I married young. It’s part of who I am. I’m the mother of three pretty awesome boys. I love having boys; I’m the first to admit I’d have no idea what to do with a girl…or her hair. Just thinking about all those clips and bands and scrunchies (do they still make scrunchies?) causes me to break out in a sweat.

Right now, I have about four jobs, none of which I’m paid for (much). I’m a savvy businesswoman that way. I’m deeply involved in a lifelong love affair with the outdoors; I’m a Search and Rescue volunteer, I’m a wilderness EMT, I’m a skier, I’m a runner. I’m an editor, or at least I was, pre-kids. Oh, and I’m from Oregon. It’s beautiful here. You’d love it.

Lastly: Coldstone Creamery’s cake batter ice cream with dark chocolate shavings and fresh blackberries. That’s the best flavor of ice cream ever invented (by me, God‘s truth).

2. Speaking of which, what’s up with writing about things that are ‘never true’?

The Never-True Tales are in fact, always true. The name of the blog was inspired by my youngest son Toby, who used to tell long, impossibly nonsensical stories in which he was always super-something: super strong, super smart, super speedy, super-more-amazing-than-his-brothers. In hindsight, he may have had an inferiority complex of some sort.

3. So, what do you have on offer over at NTT? Contests? Free stuff? What? Gimme.

Erm, not much in the freebie department, sadly. Ditto on lots of ads and promos. I figure I’ll sell out when I’m good and ready (like when someone wants to send my family to Disney World), but in the meantime, I only host giveaways when there’s something too tempting for me to pass up. Like cookies. Every Friday, I host Won’t You Be My Neighbor, for which I have awesome guests like PBD. Every so often, I revive a series called Open Letter To…Tuesday, in which I write an open letter of complaint or apology to the subject of my choosing. It all began when Toby beat up a Subway sandwich under the bleachers of a ball game. But day-in, and day-out, it’s pretty much WYSIWYG (shout out to all you design-types out there). What you see is what you get: (hopefully solid) writing. Memoir. Anecdotes to which I hope you can relate. Lots of questions. Very few answers.

4. You talk a lot about query letters and outlines and word counts. Are you a published author or something?

No, I’m not, but thanks for bringing it up. That smarts. Seriously, I do publish poetry on occasion, and I also write fiction (short stories and novels). I’m constantly in a latest edit of one thing or another, and so yeah, you’ll occasionally hear me sobbing quietly to myself about a particularly stubborn paragraph or the latest rejection. I try to keep it down.

5. Don’t you have another blog, too? I swear I’ve seen pictures of these same kids on travel forums while I was endlessly researching spring break fares.

Why yes, thanks for asking. I have a travel site called Pitstops For Kids. I’m quite fond of it, actually. Its purpose is to provide parent reviews of places to stop and play (or stay) along major interstates and in airports while traveling as a family…you know, to alleviate the horror of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? NOW?” I hope you’ll stop by!

6. Your blog is ok, I guess, but can you recommend others? What makes for a good blog? Any deal-breakers?

There are as many good blogs as there are tastes in blogs.There are many I love, all for different reasons. Some inspire me with the written language, some teach me how to bake cinnamon rolls. Others just make me laugh. Generally, you'll find my favorites on my blog roll (which I frequently swap out to keep the list manageable). My personal deal-breakers are few: if you have something worth saying, I'll listen. That said, if you can't remember when to use there/they're/their, or routinely use its/it's interchangeably, I will move on. Call me a snob, but it can't be helped.

7. Wow, the more I get to know you, the more intellectual and literary and generally amazing you seem to be! (Haha) Surely you have some vices?

Well, I bite my nails. And really have a hard time watching my mouth. My kids throw up on the living room rug and talk back and mortally embarrass me at church just like yours do. Probably worse. Luckily for you, I spill all about it. I follow certain TV series like some people follow baseball or NASCAR…which is to say, obsessively. And I have my guilty pleasures: coughTwilightcough. You don’t fall farther from grace than that. (Especially if you hold an English Lit degree.) You won’t catch me talking about it at Never-True Tales, though, unless I’m recounting my run-in with the elderly over a paperback copy in Goodwill (and I do mean run-in) or writing a letter of complaint to Summit Entertainment. Sometimes I get overly worked up over the environment, but I have a column for that, so you’re usually safe. In short, I tend to find causes or series or ideas to get excited about from time to time, but I work very hard to contain that excitement, like a puppy trying not to piddle all over the carpet. It can be a struggle.



And wow, I’m going to leave you with that image. Told you this would be awkward. Anyway, many thanks to Amanda for having me here! I’d be honored to be her friend any day!

And here is the moment you all (aka the 8 entrants and the people they forced to vote for them) have been waiting for.

Only, I have to warn you about something...

The soundtrack is pretty ADULT ONLY (so don't play it while your kids are in the room!).

There are a coupla F-bomb in their that I somehow forgot about. Seriously, I noticed cursing in songs in the 90s about as often as I noticed the pain on the walls.

You've been officially warned so please don't leave in comments about how morally corrupt I am. Never said I wasn't:)

P.S. Wanna win and EXTRA ENTRY in my current giveaway? Watch the video & leave a comment congratulating the winner!

Cent Saving Saturday: Healthy and Cheap

Okay, maybe cheap is a poor choice of words.

Cheap makes me think of hookers and this post is NOT gonna be about hookers (maybe next week!).

I guess the word I’m think about is inexpensive.

Healthy and inexpensive.

That’s what we’re going for today.

Because over here at Casa de Dummies one of the main obstacles for purchasing more health conscious items is the fact that I’m a sugar-addicted food whore who would sell her eggs for a chocolate chip cookie cost.

I know that the few cents I save by buying something less nutritious could easily wind up costing me more in health care, and worry, and years off of life in the future.

But still, I’m a natural born bargain hunter so I sorta get the shakes when I make myself grab for the more expensive, albeit more healthy option, especially when the transfer priced item is sitting right there on the shelf, lookin’ all sexy, calling my name.

Except when it comes to shoes.

And handbags*.

Anyway, point is, I have been trying to make more health conscious food selections for myself and The Dudes even if it does mean the items I choose aren’t on sale at the Club Card price.

‘Cause it’s worth it, you know?!

So, a while back, I got this cool book that you all have probably heard of by now: Eat This Not That! for Kids! I take it to the store and spend hours trying NOT to buy all the crap food we like.

And, last year I participated in this healthy food campaign with Loony Tunes.

But, lately I have noticed that I’ve fallen off the healthier-food-choices wagon.

The holidays and winter ALWAYS do that to me.

When I’m confined to the house for long periods (aka 10 straight freakin’ days) I can seriously go days without eating anything other than cookies or cookie like products.

I feel all nasty and fat afterwards, and I make all kinds of New Year’s resolutions pertaining to the pack of hot dogs I’ve sprouted on my back, but every year I do it anyway and hope that I can trash talk myself into making a change.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing lately (for what ever reason I respond better to self put downs than I do to self motivation); trash talking myself into action.

I’ve been back and forth; one week I work out consistently and stay away from the cookies and the next, not so much.

At the moment I’m forth (after being back in celebration of Snowmaggedeon) and I have been exploring some waist friendly, but still remarkably tasty items that even The Dudes enjoy without griping, gagging, or begging for mercy.

For example, instead of regular juice boxes we have tried H2Organics Kids Nutrient Enhanced Water. We received a sample of it from the company and we liked it enough that I bought a box of it for them (they liked the Orange Tangerine and the Strawberry Apple, but the Grape Berry one did fall into the things-that-make-dudes-gag category) to take to school and practice.

We aren’t usually drinkers of flavored water (they like unflavored water just fine), but these work out because we’ve failed at the reusable plastic bottles (they always lose the tops), and the disposable ones too (when I send regular water bottles with them to school they break probably because they are like little tornados on their backpacks for some reason).

Another one of the Dumb Family’s current faves are the frozen Yoplait Smoothies.

Holy delicious snack option Batman!

The Dudes freakin’ love these things, and I’m a bit of a converted fan myself.

Initially I didn’t even try them because I’ve never been a fan of yogurt to drink, but they looked so good I decided to give it a go.

And, yeah, they’re pretty awesome.

They are super easy to use (just pop them outta the freezer, add milk, and blend) and you can add stuff to them (like bananas or strawberries or rum other stuff) to jazz ‘em up a bit, but they really don’t even need it.

We got to try these courtesy** of Yoplait and My Blog Spark.

They sent us a coupon for the smoothies and a cool single serve, portable blender (that I use for frozen coffee drinks, too!). See…

Pretty sweet, eh?!

So sweet in fact that you are sitting over there at your hizzouse right now getting all jealous thinking of ways to end Dumb Mom and her unstoppable ascent to the top you wish you had yourself a fancy, schmansy single serve portable blender for making Yoplait smoothies in, right?

Well I don’t want to disappoint you so hows about a giveaway?!

All you have to do is go to the Yoplait site and tell me which of the three flavors you think you will like the best, leave a comment here with your answer by Friday (2/26), vote for my picture toe win the Intel Access Your Core Contest using the button on the top left and wait to see if you’re the big winner next week.

Easy peasy.

And just like that you could win (what you see pictured below) and forever be in my debt as someone who has saved cents courtesy of Dumb Mom.

Stick with me people… I’m the way of the future!

*I’d rather be cute than healthy any day!***

**Courtesy means free. You’d think people would realize that, but for whatever reason I have to spell it out. SO here goes: courtesy means F-R-E-E.

***Let me rephrase. I’d rather be cute than healthy which is why I’m a tub, but I will sacrifice my cute for my kids’ health. I swear it I will.

RanDumb: Ruh-roh Edition

Everything at Casa de Dummies is all topsy turvy at the moment.

School remained canceled for most of the week (#1 finally returned for a half day yesterday, and #2’s first day back is today).

Which means that my children have been in my presence, without much outside peer type interaction, since February 5th.

I think it’s safe to say at this point that school is no longer a necessity.

It’s like summer break (minus the glorious sunshine and warm temperatures) over here.

Summer break which I look forward to with dread every year.

Because it’s exhausting.

Trying to find activities for The Dudes, trying to prepare for the transition to everyone being home, getting my mind right for the impending crap storm of crazy.

And I never overestimate the intensity of the switch; it’s pretty much always just as challenging for them to adjust to the new schedule as I imagined it would be.

But, the good thing about it is that it really only lasts about 10 days.

10 days of pure, unadulterated-sibling-rivalry Hell.

And then…

Awwwwwwe-someness.

A few blips, a random bludgeoning disagreement over a new toy or something petty, from time to time.

But, for the most part, after the first ten days has passed, we’ve all adjusted to our new normal and we can’t even begin to imagine a different life.

A school filled life.

We start to wish that summer post-SNOWpacalypse break could go on forever.

Well. That’s where we are now.

In the period of awesomeness.

No after school activates to rush to. No dinner in the backseat of the car. No butt-crack-o-dawn Saturday morning practices. No seriously-buddy-put-your-shoes-on-did-you-brush-your-teeth?-RUN!-the-bus-is-there-hustle-‘cause-I’m-SO-not-driving-you morning scramble. No lunch/homework/juice-boxes-for-the-class-party to forget.

Just maxin' and relaxin’ (forgive me, but it still is officially 90s week!).

Everybody relatively happy, mostly getting along.

Like this…

So, as the kids are called back to school and chaos temporarily ensues let’s discuss (and by discuss I mean I talk, you listen) some RanDumb things that are making me say Ruh-roh, Scooby-Doo style, this week.

1. Ruh-roh! Today is the last day of the Fugly Face Photo Contest and it’s shaping up to be a race to the fugly finish! Better get your votes in while you still can.

2. Ruh-roh! This week I have to get all dolled up for a fancy launch party (a little shin-dig I’m attending courtesy of Weddzilla since, in case you didn’t already know, I’m a somewhat reluctant but sorta awesome* wedding photographer in my real life). I’m all nervous because I NEVER get dressed up. Ever. Seriously. The last time I even shaved my legs was in October for SITScation and I only did that ‘cause I didn’t want Mama Kat, or Angie, or Tiff and Heather to try to make out with me spot my hairy dude legs and ostracize me from the blogging world for life. I pretty much only shave between the months of April and September, so this is HUGE! Even huger (is that a word?) is the fact that the dress is short and…STRAPLESS! So not my normal get up. It will be the very first time in my 30-something years of life that I will be donning a strapless dress. I’ll consider posting a picture after the fact, but the jury is still out on that one. Depends on how much Photoshopping I can do things come together.

3. Ruh-roh! I’ve got myself another new gig. Not really a gig as in geez-another-thing-I-have-to-do-that-I’m-gonna-wait-until-the-last-possible-second-to-complete-because-I’m-wasting-time-watching-Teen-Mom-reruns-The-Bachelor-instead gig. It’s more a gig-I-actually-like-but-am-afraid-will-take-over-my-life-if-I-let-it type gig. So what is it?

Thanks for asking!

Yep, a The View brand ambassador.**

Can I get a WOOT?! Kidding. Seriously. Kidding about the woot business (you all should know by now how I loathe the use of the word woot), but I’d probably be okay with an Arsenio-Hall-bark-and-arm-wave (90s, remember?!) if you’d like to mark my participation with a celebratory gesture of some sort!

I’m guessing that a number of new visitors will be making their way to Casa de Dummies this week thanks to my participation in this little campaign and the easiest way for you potential stalkers newbies to get to know me is for me to share with you which The View host I’m most like.

I know, you’re probably thinking, Whoppie, or maybe Terry (because they are funny too?), but you know what, you’re wrong.

I’m most like Joy Behar.

The middle aged, Italian red head with the bumpy tummy?!

Yeah, that’s me.

We have TONS in common.

For example, she is “among today's leading comic talents”. Me too.

She is “a comedic original”. Check. So. Am. I.

Joy (I think I can call her that) started out as a teacher. As did I.

She then began a professional career in comedy. My comedy career is well developed as well being that I perform nightly for a noisy, rambunctious, overly packed house.

I know I’m not getting much critical acclaim at the moment, but I’d like to argue that this is mostly because The Dudes and Dumb Dad just don’t have good senses of humor. They really just don’t know what’s funny. I need to take this show on the road I think. I mean, anyone can win a MAC Award, right?

I’m just waiting for my big break, you know.

I think what it is is that I’m sorta like the Megan Fox of comedy.

She’s “too beautiful” to get certain roles. And, I’m too funny to get my own radio show (like Joy did), my own cable series (like Joy had), or my own talk show (like Joy shares with those other 4 chicks).

I need a break.

That’s all.

Like, if they brought me on the show, and let me host one day, I’d wear my strapless number, they’d fall in love, I could take Barbara’s spot since she’s probably scheduled to retire soon at least be like a recurring guest host.

It’s as ranDumb as it is likely, but I’m telling you it could work.

I have it all worked out.

I could be like The View version of Tosh.0.

Just introduce a ranDumb funny video and then commentate on it, like this…

Honestly that made me laugh so hard I can’t even bother to commentate (this isn’t boding well for my future on The View, is it?).

Guess what Dumb Dad’s getting for Father’s Day (please say you guessed a buttered floor)!

Anyway, off to pick out a pair of earrings to wear with my strapless dress for my big debut on The View (because it is SO gonna happen by invite, by contest winning, or by crashing into the studio and streaking across stage with my black-version-of-Joy-Behar-body a flappin’)!

Or. I could beg.

Please believe me when I say that I am SO not above begging (or graveling, or being your gopher, or licking your toes, okay licking toes is a bit much for my sensitive stomach and unreasonable aversion to feet, but I’ll totally get you coffee and doughnuts and stuff).

Please don’t make me into that begging chick from this week’s American Idol.

I’m begging you.

Or. I could blackmail you.

Don’t test me, Whoopi. I have a history.

Have a The View host that you are most like?

Want to listen to me ramble talk more about The View?

Then you should head over to It’s Kerry’s World where we are having a huge The View Blab Fest today.

And, you should also go check out The View site so you can catch up on what’s happening on the show, otherwise next Friday will be a whole lotta me talking and you listening again (which I’m totally fine with, by the way) and as much as I enjoy talking to myself it would be even more fun to have you join me.

Blog Dawg 2010

Is ready to be chosen.

The fan favorite winner will be gifted a copy of Corel Digital Studio 2010, the awesome photo editing and movie making software, and the Dumb Mom fave will get to select a low value because I bought it with my own cheese gift card option from a number of lovely places that will make their hearts flutter with excitement (or with the over abundance of caffeine).

Here’s how it works…

First watch the video because it is funny!*

If you are a contestant…

…be sure to blog and tweet all about your entry so that people who love you in spite of your Fugly Face Photo will know to come vote for you. And call or text or send all of your friends a page (remember when people used to say, “hit me on the hip”? Were you one of those people?) and tell them you will end them if they don’t to come vote for you.

…don’t bother voting for yourself, you can vote for others or keep noticeably silent through the process. I feel like it’s safe to assume that you would pretty much pick yourself to win all of the awesome prizes so no need to remind me.

…prepare your acceptance speech; the winner will be Monday’s ifriend and I doon’t want no kinda bullcrap acceptance post. This is a big deal, people, not everyone can claim a prestigious title like Blog Dawg of the year.

If you are a voter…

…Make sure you don’t try to vote anonymously. I will know that you are simply Jen @ Momma Made it Look Easy someone voting for herself repeatedly.

…come back and vote every day. Every person can place one vote per day (unless you have several accounts, and then, by all means, feel free to log in numerous times and vote multiple times per day; I will honestly never figure you out because I am too dumb to notice and too lazy too care. Plus, if you work that hard to cheat your blog buddy deserves to win!).

---have fun and kick yourself for not entering. And then, promise yourself that you will remember to check back here at the beginning of May to be sure that you don’t miss the next one!

Now here they are.

Blog Dawg Contestants of the year…

Appearing from left to right, top to bottom in random order..

1. Kmama from The Daily Dribbles

2. Mary Mac from Pajamas and Coffee

3. Sunday from WYSIWYG

4. Mama Jules from All You Need is Love

5. Jennifer from Chaos Wrapped in Chocolate-Covered Grins

6. Angel from Angel Believes

7. Jennifer from Momma Made it Look Easy

8. Supah Mommy from Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy

Now, make ‘em proud.

Choose your favorite most fugliest photo, leave the number of your choice in the comments section, repeat Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and then come back on Monday to congratulate the fugly winner!

Be instrumental in helping your fugly friend win the multimedia suite of their dreams and she just might edit your photos for you!

P.S. In case you missed it today is Bruncle's birthday which is why he earned an honorable place in the Blog Dawg Year Book. How's that for an awesome gift?! Being my lil brother does have it's perks!

*What's even more funny than the photos are all of my spelling errors since I made it in such a sleep deprived stupor I'm surprised it even works!

To Intimate Companions Everywhere

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Valentine’s Day

will be filled with poo.

Like everyday

in my mom life

pee, poo, and puke

are part of the strife.

But it’s also a part

of what brings me joy

so thank you dear Husband

for my three boys.

And thank you too

for putting up with my crap

for letting me take

an afternoon nap.

We both know I deserve it,

my dues have been paid.

Now go watch The Dudes,

‘cause you ain’t getting laid!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Another year, another excuse to eat chocolate.

After years of going back and forth with Dumb Dad over the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, we’ve come to the conclusion that it means nada.*

I finally have come to realize that if how we celebrate has little impact on how good our marriage is or how strong our love is.

Other things, like whether or not I fold his socks, and if I tell him about the three pairs of shoes I bought this weekend**, are better judges of the current state of marital affairs around here.

So, since Valentine’s Day is really just an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions (thank you Wikipedia), I’ve decided the best way to help you celebrate would be to give you some tools for long term survival.

Tools to ensure that you and your “intimate companion” stick it out for the long haul.

So here’s my advice: Get yourself a brown paper sack.

 

And, when your “intimate companion” gets on your last nerve, pop it on your head and tell him (or her) to step off. 

That’s what I do when Dumb Dad gets annoying.***

Communication is SO overrated!

As you can discern, I’m no master of marital bliss, so, in an effort to give you some real advice I reached out to my buddies in the Blogoshpere (and Mimi)to get their take on what makes a marriage last (or not, as the case may be).

This is what they said…

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Marriage: A Compilation****

 

@ScaryMommy- “Don't get stuck indoors together during a snow storm? Take vacations w/o kids & go on dates!!”

@SITSgirls- “Don't go more than a month without having sex. Ever.”

@MarfMom- “Phrase arguments in terms of "I" instead of "you";figure out how you like to be shown love & how your partner prefers; and I think date nights are important, but personal nights are VERY important.  A few nights a week I go in one room to write while my husband is another playing computer games.  Having the time and space to pursue our own interests makes us each a better spouse I think.”

@Ooph-  “Spend time together without the kids.  Even if its just grocery shopping.  But better if it's a date. IMPERATIVE for a healthy marriage.”

Mormon Surrogate- Be honest! Don't do dumb things... however if you mess up, be honest about it. Communicate! I know you hear it all the time, but it's an important one. Meet each other's needs!  Treat each other with respect and the way you'd want to be treated.”

Faemom- 1. If there are issues, counseling.  2. Try to keep the little annoying stuff in perspective.  3. Never judge any one's marriage because you may not put up with that crap from your husband, but she would never put up with different type of crap from yours.”

Mimi (the woman who birthed me)- “Decide to stay together. Learn how to cook hot grits.”

Angie from Seven Clown Circus- “Let your husband do whatever he wants and everything will be great.  Kidding.
My best advice is to learn to compromise if you don't know how now. Cuz, if you don't, you're in for the LONG haul of disputes.”

Unknown Mami- *Play nice  *No name calling  *No hitting  *No spitting  *Shoes, shirt, and shoes not necessary

Lara from Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom- “Let him THINK he's right.. ONCE in a while.”

Mary Mac from Pajamas & Coffee- “Talk every day. Even if there are cusswords involved.”

@amybhole- Don't forget why you fell in love. During rough times, it helps to remember why you were so passionate about each other in the beginning.

Supah from Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy- “A marriage will not work without communication. Communicate until your spouses ears bleed. If he is not receptive to your “ communication”  efforts  do not be afraid to take alternative approaches to get your message across. Throw all of his white sport socks and streaked tighty whities into the washer.  Grab the Clorox bottle and dump the entire bottle in. Turn the washer on . Fluff, dry,  fold and ball with a  happy smile on your face.   Your message will be heard loud and clear next he wears his bright clean unmentionables. He’ll itch like a mutha trucker.”

ck from Bad Mommy Moments- “Extend understanding and compassion when (you feel) it's least deserved. You know he drives too fast. He knows that you know he drives too fast. The cop who pulled him over and ticketed him knows it too. But it's over. Shrug it off. No need to make it worse by voicing your displeasure. Besides, you might just need some understanding next week when you sideswipe a pole while driving his new truck.”

Mira from Triplet Crown- “Make sure you listen carefully to how much noise they make when they eat BEFORE you marry them. You will spend MANY nights eating in silence listening to their chewing.”

Jen from Hip as I Wannabe- “Be THERE and in the moment.  Disconnect from the computer and put away the cell phone.  This simple gesture shows your husband/wife more love and respect than you can imagine. And don’t forget to LAUGH about everything. There is nothing better than a joy filled home!”

Working Mommy- “The best advice I can give is in two parts. The first is that I can't stress enough how important communication is...you and your spouse are a TEAM and it is imperative that you talk to each other so you are both on the same page. The second part is to pick your battles wisely...if your man doesn't put down the toilet seat or refuses to put the laundry away - that is small compared to a man who cheats, for example."

Working Daddy (husband to Working Mommy whose comments I saved for last to prove my point and to let Dumb Dad off the hook officially)- "Don't celebrate Valentine's Day. There is no reason why you should follow what Hallmark says about being romantic on this one specific day every year. I don't think it is necessary to spend more money than necessary on products which can be purchased any other day. I also don' think it is fair that I am made to feel bad for not pampering my wife on Valentine's Day. Every single day should be romantic...not just Valentine's Day."

Feel free to leave your own expert marital advice in the comments to share with the rest of us.

Now get the heck outta here and go hang out with your “intimate companion”!*****

 

 

 

*Nada-Spanish for nothing.  We like to kick the bilingual from time to time around here.

**For the record, folded socks means all is good; if they are just tossed in there, you better mind your tongue, Mister.  And, I never tell him about the shoes I buy, so if I start things ain’t good!

***Unfortunately, as Dumb Dad spends a disproportionate amount of time annoying the crap outta me, I spend a great deal of time with a bag on my head; approximately 65% of my day I would estimate.

****Compiled from advice given by various bloggers in the blogosphere who are smarter, more informed, and probably much better wives than me!

*****And yes, it has been since 2006 since Dumb Dad and I took a photo together minus our pint sized companions.

RanDumb: Record-breaking Edition

When you’re stuck in the house for the better part of a week due to the wrath of an historical snow storm it comes in handy to have a unhealthy relationship with technology.

Because then you have the Internet to take your mind off of the fact that you have a splitting, record breaking headache to go along with being trapped inside for a record number of days with three noisy boys and one snow shoveling obsessed husband thanks to the record-breaking snowfall of the century.

You’ll have to forgive me if I’ve been less than my sunny, cheerful self.

I’m having a record-breaking week. And it’s exhausting (and messy, and cold, and wet, and annoying).

But, it’s good to know that I’m not the only person who is starting to show signs of an impending psychological event*…

I’m thinking that Mr. Kosek’s pre-record-breaking-snownomenon personality was a little bit sketchy, but still, good example of what happens When Mother Nature Attacks (could totally be one of those Fox shows).

In an effort to get my snowsessed mind on something else though, I also spent countless hours this week watching TV, something I used to do on a semiprofessional basis (watching TV for hours per week was definitely one of my most important pre-#3 hobbies).

Sadly**, pretty much everyone on American Idol can sing at this point so I don’t have any funny so-you-think-you-can-sing-leave-it-to-Simon-to-tell-you-you-can’t videos to share with you this week.

But.

Thanks to the Idol hopefuls and their inability to pick a song that won’t make them look like a bunch of blubbering idiots, you can laugh along while they mumble sing Gwen Stephanie’s Escape…

The funniest thing about this whole deal is that each of them actually thought they’d be able to sing this without screwing it up.

Why?

Why would you assume that a song most of us have trouble with in the privacy of our own bathrooms would be the perfect showcase of your singing abilities in the most important (and stressful, and nerve wrecking, and publicized) audition of your life?

Because they who began as are over confident fools have grown egos that have been grossly inflated by being selected to participate in the most influential singing show of all time, you say?

Perhaps.

The most surprising thing is that so many of them lead the same delusion-filled life (like 3 groups picked the same impossible song).

I’m not privy to any obscure Idol statistics or anything, but I’d venture to say this song is up there close to breaking the record for song-most-likely-to-be-picked-that-you-have-little-chance-of-being-able-to-sing-correctly.***

Probably somewhere right behind The Star Spangled Banner, ‘cause for whatever reason, people just can’t seem to EVER get the words to that song right either.

Tip to all of the RanDumb American Idol hopefuls of the future: pick a song a toddler can sing.

Like Halo (don’t watch unless you agree to ignore any elements of my voice you may hear in the background of the video, it’s about the 2 year old baby-boy-Beyonce, not me)…

Please forgive the poor recording, he freaks out if he detects that he is actually being filmed so I have to get all Candid Camera on him.

And finally, from a show I enjoyed watching over the unsolicited, unappreciated, totally uncalled for “break”, a man who has something to share with fathers/husbands everywhere that could help save them from making a RanDumb mistake that could quickly and easily lead to their death…

Jim Breur’s Comedy Central Special in which he speaks on Why Mother’s Need Their Sleep.

Priceless!

Don’t forget that today is THE LAST DAY TO ENTER THE FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST TO BE NAMED PBD’S BLOG DAWG OF THE YEAR! Awesome prizes are up for grabs and voting starts Monday so, even if you were too chicken to actually enter, be sure to come back and vote for the face that scared you the most!

And, once you've examined the contest link and submitted your entry, go ahead and check out Mrs.4444s to link up your favorite Friday Fragments posts of the week!

*Nice way to say you are losing your effing mind!

**I say sadly because I fully enjoy watching the deluded, tone deaf citizens of America as they are ripped to shreds by my most all time favorite British person. It makes me smile inside.

***I love RanDumb, obscure statistics like the ones they always come up with at sporting events: “Hey, Charles, did you know that this player is the first to ever score a three point shot while wearing white shoes with black stripes and being a left handed shooter with 3 seconds left on the hot clock?”

What NOT To Do: An Expert's Guide

parenting BY dummies is “a guide to parenting by someone who has tried everything you DON’T want to do”.

Knowing what NOT to do is sorta my thing.

I guess you could say I specialize in Don’ts.

I’m something of an expert in identifying the common pitfalls of parenthood.

I find the don’ts and do them anyway so you don’t have to.

It’s sorta my public service to struggling mothers everywhere.

So, when my girl Mama Kat said, “Hey Dumb Mom,” (and she may not have actually said those words aloud, but when she designed this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts she definitely had me in mind) she said, “you are rockin’ momhood, lookin’ all good, doin’ your damn thang, why don’t you go ahead and come up with a list of Do’s and Don’ts for the rest of us?”

And, even though there was no money involved, I decided to go for it, because you know what, with out me and my constant failures to be your guide where would you all be?

But, in an effort to stay on her good side, I decided to do one better.

I’m not even gonna deal with the Dos, because, frankly, they aren’t important.

I mean, I in case you hadn’t noticed don’t even know what to do (if I did this blog would be called parenting FOR dummies); but I don’t need to.

They key to survival is avoidance.

Knowing what NOT to do is what’s gonna save your life on a day-to-day basis.

The dos are for those smart moms to talk about.

The Don’ts are for the rest of us.

And, in an effort to give you something even more useful, I’ve compiled a list of Don't’ for your kids, because really they are the ones that need it right?

Think about it, if they knew more about what not to do your life would be at least like 75% easier (at the very least it would eliminate your need to come up with creative forms of punishment).

So print this off, give it your little people, and make ‘em read it (or read it to them if they are still card carrying members of the illiteracy club).

YOU CAN THANK ME LATER!

DON’TS for Kids: A Dumb Mom’s Guide to Keeping You Out of Trouble

1. DON’T wake your mom up by tapping on her head and saying any of the following: I puked on your floor, I peed in my bed, I found a snake, or I think the car is gone.
2. DON’T decide to “help out” by mopping the floor, cleaning the fish tank, or watering the plants. Water is fun for you but Mommy pretty much hates it.
3. DON’T attempt to use any of the following household appliances: the phone (even if it is to call the police on your brother), the microwave (I know it’s “easy” because you only have to press one button, but since you can’t read pressing p-o-t-a-t-o instead of p-o-p-c-o-r-n can lead to catastrophic results), the garage door opener (just because you have no business even being in the garage), the washing machine (see above tip regarding water usage), the dryer (because you fold like your father), and the iron (don’t worry, you’ll never see this one laying around our house anyway).
4. DON’T give unsolicited advice; the lady across the street could do with out your yard care recommendations.
5. DON’T beg for things at the store. Such behavior is embarrassing to your mother and it gives her money in the bank, so to speak, when it comes to future opportunities to chaperone your high school dances. You will be sorry. This mamma knows how to jerk and she ain’t afraid to use it!
6. DON’T use any of the words your mommy uses while she’s driving. That means douche, d-bag, crap face, and ignoramus are all off limits.
7. DON’T heckle other drivers. Mommy’s got that covered.
8. DON’T store things in the toilet. Your effort to put things away is greatly appreciated, but please refer again to #2 above to fully understand our stance on water based activities.
9. DON’T throw food while at the table. This is particularly important if that table is located in the middle of a restaurant (which is unlikely because no one ever wants to take you anywhere ever, but still).
10. DON’T disrobe without receiving permission in advance (and “in advance” does NOT mean while Mommy is distracted with talking to your soccer coach at the supermarket).
11. DON’T disrobe in public regardless of advanced permissions you may or may not have received.
12. DON’T ask to accompany Mommy to Target (because that’s her leisure time), the bathroom (because that’s private), or Wal-Mart (because that’s just crazy).
13. DON’T put your shoes on the counter (even if they’re “clean”).
14. DON’T be a poor sport. Even if Daddy is moping on the corner of the field or kicking the ground, you say good game, give a hi-five, and head for the car. Let Mommy deal with Daddy.
15. DON’T fight dirty with your brothers. Fighting dirty would include any of the following maneuvers: eye gauges, nostril pulling, butt hole assaults, attempted ear drum rupturing, and hitting in the “nuts”.
16. DON’T use the word nuts.
17. DON’T poop your pants at school and then lie when asked about it. Seriously, Dude, people could smell it out in the hallway, it’s time to fess up.
18. DON’T scream for Mommy when she gets ready to go out for her one girl’s night of the quarter. When she’s home you don’t want her so give it a rest. Besides, you should know that once you can rely on your own feet for transportation the affect of your tears has pretty much worn of entirely.
19. DON’T get up before Mommy has her coffee the sun.
20. DON’T grow up. Based on your father other men, growing up is a losing situation for Mommy. Gone will be all of your sweet innocence, your pudgy cheeks, and your unconditional love, but you keep all of the pickiness, the stubbornness, and the inflexibility; traits that move from being tolerable to downright annoying.

Now, since I know you are here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday, go ahead and add your Linky down there so we can read all about it.*

*If you aren’t here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday or to enter your picture in my Fugly Face Photo Contest (which ends tomorrow by the way!) or to leave me a comment saying you love me and you hope the snow magically disappears then you aren’t allowed to use my list of DON'Ts to make your kids better people.

And yes, I really am that petty.