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Saturday, February 13, 2010

To Intimate Companions Everywhere

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Valentine’s Day

will be filled with poo.

Like everyday

in my mom life

pee, poo, and puke

are part of the strife.

But it’s also a part

of what brings me joy

so thank you dear Husband

for my three boys.

And thank you too

for putting up with my crap

for letting me take

an afternoon nap.

We both know I deserve it,

my dues have been paid.

Now go watch The Dudes,

‘cause you ain’t getting laid!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Another year, another excuse to eat chocolate.

After years of going back and forth with Dumb Dad over the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, we’ve come to the conclusion that it means nada.*

I finally have come to realize that if how we celebrate has little impact on how good our marriage is or how strong our love is.

Other things, like whether or not I fold his socks, and if I tell him about the three pairs of shoes I bought this weekend**, are better judges of the current state of marital affairs around here.

So, since Valentine’s Day is really just an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions (thank you Wikipedia), I’ve decided the best way to help you celebrate would be to give you some tools for long term survival.

Tools to ensure that you and your “intimate companion” stick it out for the long haul.

So here’s my advice: Get yourself a brown paper sack.


And, when your “intimate companion” gets on your last nerve, pop it on your head and tell him (or her) to step off. 

That’s what I do when Dumb Dad gets annoying.***

Communication is SO overrated!

As you can discern, I’m no master of marital bliss, so, in an effort to give you some real advice I reached out to my buddies in the Blogoshpere (and Mimi)to get their take on what makes a marriage last (or not, as the case may be).

This is what they said…

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Marriage: A Compilation****


@ScaryMommy- “Don't get stuck indoors together during a snow storm? Take vacations w/o kids & go on dates!!”

@SITSgirls- “Don't go more than a month without having sex. Ever.”

@MarfMom- “Phrase arguments in terms of "I" instead of "you";figure out how you like to be shown love & how your partner prefers; and I think date nights are important, but personal nights are VERY important.  A few nights a week I go in one room to write while my husband is another playing computer games.  Having the time and space to pursue our own interests makes us each a better spouse I think.”

@Ooph-  “Spend time together without the kids.  Even if its just grocery shopping.  But better if it's a date. IMPERATIVE for a healthy marriage.”

Mormon Surrogate- Be honest! Don't do dumb things... however if you mess up, be honest about it. Communicate! I know you hear it all the time, but it's an important one. Meet each other's needs!  Treat each other with respect and the way you'd want to be treated.”

Faemom- 1. If there are issues, counseling.  2. Try to keep the little annoying stuff in perspective.  3. Never judge any one's marriage because you may not put up with that crap from your husband, but she would never put up with different type of crap from yours.”

Mimi (the woman who birthed me)- “Decide to stay together. Learn how to cook hot grits.”

Angie from Seven Clown Circus- “Let your husband do whatever he wants and everything will be great.  Kidding.
My best advice is to learn to compromise if you don't know how now. Cuz, if you don't, you're in for the LONG haul of disputes.”

Unknown Mami- *Play nice  *No name calling  *No hitting  *No spitting  *Shoes, shirt, and shoes not necessary

Lara from Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom- “Let him THINK he's right.. ONCE in a while.”

Mary Mac from Pajamas & Coffee- “Talk every day. Even if there are cusswords involved.”

@amybhole- Don't forget why you fell in love. During rough times, it helps to remember why you were so passionate about each other in the beginning.

Supah from Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy- “A marriage will not work without communication. Communicate until your spouses ears bleed. If he is not receptive to your “ communication”  efforts  do not be afraid to take alternative approaches to get your message across. Throw all of his white sport socks and streaked tighty whities into the washer.  Grab the Clorox bottle and dump the entire bottle in. Turn the washer on . Fluff, dry,  fold and ball with a  happy smile on your face.   Your message will be heard loud and clear next he wears his bright clean unmentionables. He’ll itch like a mutha trucker.”

ck from Bad Mommy Moments- “Extend understanding and compassion when (you feel) it's least deserved. You know he drives too fast. He knows that you know he drives too fast. The cop who pulled him over and ticketed him knows it too. But it's over. Shrug it off. No need to make it worse by voicing your displeasure. Besides, you might just need some understanding next week when you sideswipe a pole while driving his new truck.”

Mira from Triplet Crown- “Make sure you listen carefully to how much noise they make when they eat BEFORE you marry them. You will spend MANY nights eating in silence listening to their chewing.”

Jen from Hip as I Wannabe- “Be THERE and in the moment.  Disconnect from the computer and put away the cell phone.  This simple gesture shows your husband/wife more love and respect than you can imagine. And don’t forget to LAUGH about everything. There is nothing better than a joy filled home!”

Working Mommy- “The best advice I can give is in two parts. The first is that I can't stress enough how important communication and your spouse are a TEAM and it is imperative that you talk to each other so you are both on the same page. The second part is to pick your battles wisely...if your man doesn't put down the toilet seat or refuses to put the laundry away - that is small compared to a man who cheats, for example."

Working Daddy (husband to Working Mommy whose comments I saved for last to prove my point and to let Dumb Dad off the hook officially)- "Don't celebrate Valentine's Day. There is no reason why you should follow what Hallmark says about being romantic on this one specific day every year. I don't think it is necessary to spend more money than necessary on products which can be purchased any other day. I also don' think it is fair that I am made to feel bad for not pampering my wife on Valentine's Day. Every single day should be romantic...not just Valentine's Day."

Feel free to leave your own expert marital advice in the comments to share with the rest of us.

Now get the heck outta here and go hang out with your “intimate companion”!*****




*Nada-Spanish for nothing.  We like to kick the bilingual from time to time around here.

**For the record, folded socks means all is good; if they are just tossed in there, you better mind your tongue, Mister.  And, I never tell him about the shoes I buy, so if I start things ain’t good!

***Unfortunately, as Dumb Dad spends a disproportionate amount of time annoying the crap outta me, I spend a great deal of time with a bag on my head; approximately 65% of my day I would estimate.

****Compiled from advice given by various bloggers in the blogosphere who are smarter, more informed, and probably much better wives than me!

*****And yes, it has been since 2006 since Dumb Dad and I took a photo together minus our pint sized companions.


Michelle Pixie said...

This is great! I say don't forget to hold hands every once in a while too. ;)

4 Lettre Words said...

You are so fun!

Jennifer said...

Love him when you don't want to, listen to him when he doesn't know what he's talking about, hug him when he's sad, ignore him when he's annoying, praise him when he does good, forget when he screws up, step back and let him be the best dad he can be (it doesn't always have to be your way), always say I love you and be careful when leaving the house, and go to bed mad, sleep does wonderful things for anger.

You learn a lot in 20 years.

Kmama said...


That's a great pic of the two of you!!

Enjoy our V-day. It doesn't mean anything to us either.

CaraBee said...

Love the poem and love the advice. Wise words, all of it!

Keyona said...

Awesome post! One thing I would add is to laugh often. Me and my hubby share quite a few laughs a week!

Amy Whitley said...

Great Valentine's post! I'm with means nada. What's more important is whether I've folded his laundry--oh shoot! Gotta go do that.

(And I laughed at the date stamp of 2006 on the photo!)

SupahMommy said...

One of these things is not like the other *** humming.... acting natural*


I was being serious. Dead doornail serious.
am i the sore thumb here ?? lol

Great advice ladies. I'm taking notes in my NKOTB spiral notebook with fluffy pink pen that works intermittently.


I'm NOT a VOLCANO! said...

My best advice is to go ahead and go to bed angry- the thing is, there are going to BE things you can't solve before bed time, and being sleep deprived makes things worse. Sometimes, too, when you wake up, you realize that it wasn't a really big deal.

The IMPORTANT thing is to make sure you come BACK to the subject, becaues it HAS to be discussed. You can't just ignore it because you feel better and calmer in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Alwyas go to bed with a hug even after an argument because it's never good to sleep when angry/upset!

Happy Valentines Day. I am glad you make it fun for all.


Jeffrey said...

This is great! I'm going to add you to my Valentine's Mr. Linky. I LIKEY the brown paper bag. A Lot. Thank you for that first picture and poem. Seriously STILL smiling.

Mama Kat said...

Awww you guys are cute! Sorry I dropped the ball on this mama!

My advice would be to not have sex more than once a month. Ever.


Anonymous said...

Good stuff. Cute poem. And I want to argue that I am NOT a better wife than you. Trust me on this.

I'm NOT a VOLCANO! said...

Mama Kat, I LOVE your advice! LOL!

~Shelley~ said...

That poem is too funny!!

parentingBYdummies said...

Thanks 4 all the great advice ladies. I'll consult this list next time Dumb Dad gets on my nerves (in say the next 15 minutes?) before I put my bag on my head! Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Thanks for kickin' with me and don't forget to come back tomorrow to vote for the Blog Dawg!

Ottavia said...

Awesome poem..great ending! Happy Valentine's Day!

KiraAJ said...

Thanks for dropping by my blog! :) and showing me some comment love! Loved your post! Very funy!

marymac said...

Nice compilation! ;) lol at Mama Kat's belated but funny one, too!

Kristi said...

I really loved this post! So much fun. I'd like to add though, that cuddling on the couch with your equally sick significant other can be just as romantic, especially if you both blow your noses in unison. Such is our life these days. We've been sick for the last two weeks.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and sharing your comment about love within a multi-racial family.

Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud

grace said...

I love your post.. God is the source of perfect love.. I also linked here...pls see it.

Krystal Grant said...

This post is hilarious. I love the poem. And I am going to try the paper bag trick. But really, I think hubby needs it more than me because I can be quite annoying! LOL

Mira said...

Dude, I'm the only one who didn't write something serious and meaningful? I look like a dork. Sigh. Who knew you were all so serious about making marriage work?

lori said...

Great poem! Here's my hubby's advice for a happy marriage: "yes dear"
Smart man.

I really like your blog, so wanted to share this blog award. You probably have a zillion of them, so no pressure to accept, but here it is:

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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