Make New (i)friends Monday: Never True Tales

Some people lie,
and some people don't
Some people try,
and others just won't

Well Amy don't lie,
but she likes to tell stories.
about chocolate and pie
and what makes her horny.

Okay, that's not right.
She's the one with the boys
who get into fights
with their lunches for joy.

She's the one who shares
about pit stops for kids,
because she cares
where your kid takes a whiz.

So thank Amy with
a visit or two
or I will get miffed
and drop kick you fool!

Spend a few moments with my girl Amy, and then, when you're all done, you can watch the video to see who was crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the first ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

And, I know whow ya'll like to get outta watching the videos, but you have to watch it if you wanna know who won; or you have to count up all 103 votes on your own.

I'm evil, aren't I?!

So today, I’ve been invited to be parenting By dummies’ ifriend, and don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be here, but I’m a bit intimidated, too. If you hadn’t noticed, PBD is one cool chick. Like, first-girl-in-junior-high-to-
not-only-get-a-bra-but-learn-that-Flashdance-trick-of-removing-it-through-her-ripped-tee-sleeves cool. And as you’ll learn, I’m…not. Just never came naturally to me, you know? Like hats. I could never wear hats, but my sister could. Effortlessly. She even pulled off those big bowed headband numbers.

I digress, but yeah, being an ifriend here at PBD is pretty much like getting invited to Jennifer Cascas’ 8th grade boy-girl party all over again. That time, I ended up standing in the corner repeatedly flipping through a back issue of Redbook Jennifer’s mom had left on the end table of the couch so I’d look all preoccupied and busy and not at all awkward, and it’s true: I learned loads about summer-time smoothies that make a splash, but this time, I’m determined to do better. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So this is me, front and center. Doing awkward things. (Imagine Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, but not as successful. Or as funny. Or on TV. Or fictional. What the what?) My point is, I’m going to be proactive. In the event you click over to Never-True Tales and take a look around, I want to make sure you and I are properly acquainted. To that end, I’ve compiled a short list of FAQs.

1. So Amy, who the heck are you, anyway? Where ya from? What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

How nice of you to ask. Most days, I don’t really know who I am, to be honest, which makes me just about like everybody else. I’m a wife, for starters, and I begin with that because for me, marriage came before most everything else worth mentioning: before the career, before the kids, before the blogging and the writing. Yep, I married young. It’s part of who I am. I’m the mother of three pretty awesome boys. I love having boys; I’m the first to admit I’d have no idea what to do with a girl…or her hair. Just thinking about all those clips and bands and scrunchies (do they still make scrunchies?) causes me to break out in a sweat.

Right now, I have about four jobs, none of which I’m paid for (much). I’m a savvy businesswoman that way. I’m deeply involved in a lifelong love affair with the outdoors; I’m a Search and Rescue volunteer, I’m a wilderness EMT, I’m a skier, I’m a runner. I’m an editor, or at least I was, pre-kids. Oh, and I’m from Oregon. It’s beautiful here. You’d love it.

Lastly: Coldstone Creamery’s cake batter ice cream with dark chocolate shavings and fresh blackberries. That’s the best flavor of ice cream ever invented (by me, God‘s truth).

2. Speaking of which, what’s up with writing about things that are ‘never true’?

The Never-True Tales are in fact, always true. The name of the blog was inspired by my youngest son Toby, who used to tell long, impossibly nonsensical stories in which he was always super-something: super strong, super smart, super speedy, super-more-amazing-than-his-brothers. In hindsight, he may have had an inferiority complex of some sort.

3. So, what do you have on offer over at NTT? Contests? Free stuff? What? Gimme.

Erm, not much in the freebie department, sadly. Ditto on lots of ads and promos. I figure I’ll sell out when I’m good and ready (like when someone wants to send my family to Disney World), but in the meantime, I only host giveaways when there’s something too tempting for me to pass up. Like cookies. Every Friday, I host Won’t You Be My Neighbor, for which I have awesome guests like PBD. Every so often, I revive a series called Open Letter To…Tuesday, in which I write an open letter of complaint or apology to the subject of my choosing. It all began when Toby beat up a Subway sandwich under the bleachers of a ball game. But day-in, and day-out, it’s pretty much WYSIWYG (shout out to all you design-types out there). What you see is what you get: (hopefully solid) writing. Memoir. Anecdotes to which I hope you can relate. Lots of questions. Very few answers.

4. You talk a lot about query letters and outlines and word counts. Are you a published author or something?

No, I’m not, but thanks for bringing it up. That smarts. Seriously, I do publish poetry on occasion, and I also write fiction (short stories and novels). I’m constantly in a latest edit of one thing or another, and so yeah, you’ll occasionally hear me sobbing quietly to myself about a particularly stubborn paragraph or the latest rejection. I try to keep it down.

5. Don’t you have another blog, too? I swear I’ve seen pictures of these same kids on travel forums while I was endlessly researching spring break fares.

Why yes, thanks for asking. I have a travel site called Pitstops For Kids. I’m quite fond of it, actually. Its purpose is to provide parent reviews of places to stop and play (or stay) along major interstates and in airports while traveling as a family…you know, to alleviate the horror of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? NOW?” I hope you’ll stop by!

6. Your blog is ok, I guess, but can you recommend others? What makes for a good blog? Any deal-breakers?

There are as many good blogs as there are tastes in blogs.There are many I love, all for different reasons. Some inspire me with the written language, some teach me how to bake cinnamon rolls. Others just make me laugh. Generally, you'll find my favorites on my blog roll (which I frequently swap out to keep the list manageable). My personal deal-breakers are few: if you have something worth saying, I'll listen. That said, if you can't remember when to use there/they're/their, or routinely use its/it's interchangeably, I will move on. Call me a snob, but it can't be helped.

7. Wow, the more I get to know you, the more intellectual and literary and generally amazing you seem to be! (Haha) Surely you have some vices?

Well, I bite my nails. And really have a hard time watching my mouth. My kids throw up on the living room rug and talk back and mortally embarrass me at church just like yours do. Probably worse. Luckily for you, I spill all about it. I follow certain TV series like some people follow baseball or NASCAR…which is to say, obsessively. And I have my guilty pleasures: coughTwilightcough. You don’t fall farther from grace than that. (Especially if you hold an English Lit degree.) You won’t catch me talking about it at Never-True Tales, though, unless I’m recounting my run-in with the elderly over a paperback copy in Goodwill (and I do mean run-in) or writing a letter of complaint to Summit Entertainment. Sometimes I get overly worked up over the environment, but I have a column for that, so you’re usually safe. In short, I tend to find causes or series or ideas to get excited about from time to time, but I work very hard to contain that excitement, like a puppy trying not to piddle all over the carpet. It can be a struggle.



And wow, I’m going to leave you with that image. Told you this would be awkward. Anyway, many thanks to Amanda for having me here! I’d be honored to be her friend any day!

And here is the moment you all (aka the 8 entrants and the people they forced to vote for them) have been waiting for.

Only, I have to warn you about something...

The soundtrack is pretty ADULT ONLY (so don't play it while your kids are in the room!).

There are a coupla F-bomb in their that I somehow forgot about. Seriously, I noticed cursing in songs in the 90s about as often as I noticed the pain on the walls.

You've been officially warned so please don't leave in comments about how morally corrupt I am. Never said I wasn't:)

P.S. Wanna win and EXTRA ENTRY in my current giveaway? Watch the video & leave a comment congratulating the winner!

Make New ifriend Monday: Singed but Still Flying

Her wings may have

gone up in flames,

but she is still one

fresh, cool dame.

A mom to boys

after my own heart,

I bet she knows

how to deal with farts.

Her 90s pic

will make you grin.

If you don’t enter yours

I bet she’ll win!

Send in your 90s inspired photos for the Fugly Face Photo Contest so that Angel (aka Singed Wing Angel from Angel Believes) has some competition.

You can’t let her be named Blog Dawg of the year without a fight.

Plus, if you want to jump to the head of the ifriend features list you’re gonna wanna get in on this action.

Not that I’m bribing you or anything…

Anyway, it’s Angel’s day so I’ma let her finish (sorry I hijaked your limelight Kayne style).

Go ahead, Taylor, I mean ANGEL, I’ma let you finish…

Hey, Howdy, How are ya'll?? First of all Let me say thanks to Dumb Mom for picking me as her ifriend this week. I am so honored. Don't yall just love her?? I do, she makes me laugh and trust me when I say there are days that laughing is the only thing that keeps me from needing the pretty white hug me jacket.

About me.. about me... hmmm I am a SAHM to 3 boys from 17-10. I have been married for 15 years this October, but if he doesn't straighten up I will be a widow of 14 years lol. j/k. I have been blogging for a little over a year and didn't really have many people listening until I found out about SITS (if you aren't there yet why not??) I was born in Virginia but have lived in Kentucky most of my life so that would make me a Virginuckian yeah it's my word if ya don't like it keep moving.

I don't do a lot away from the house since I also care for my mom who lives behind us.. she is getting to the point that she is not able to drive a lot of places so that has fallen on my shoulders. My son is also bipolar and we finally got him diagnosed correctly, so I am a HUGE advocate for silent disabilities. I love to sing and my oldest son is so gifted.. we do a lot of singing and playing together which you can see through this post.
Hmm I guess that is about it for me.. I love to laugh and make people laugh and I am in Dumb mom's Fugly contest cause , well back in the day I had the hair going on only I had no clue where it was going lol.. and apparently neither did it.. I would love for ya to visit my page and come vote for me on the contest... oh yeah and bite me Supah I can guarantee I am uglier then you have ever thought about being... hehehe...

Now, hurry on over and check out my favorite Virginuckian she’ll be glad you did!

Want to be PBD’s featured ifriend of the week? Your very own custom written poem? Your button placed prominently in the sidebar? Your opportunity to tell me in 500 words or less why I am you are awesome?

Email me today @ parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot']com and make sure you're a follower!

Make New (i)friends Monday

So, one of the bestes things about blogging is all of the new "friends" you get to make.

Not real-life-meet-for-coffee-complain-about-in-laws type friends, but still, friends.

This phenomenon of on-line friend making needs a name.

This situation in which you may not even know the person's real name or where they live; you may not know how old they are or if they secretly weigh 800lbs and have not left their basement in the past 6 years.

But, despite not knowing all of these facts you know that you like "talking" to them (I write a post, you leave a comment, I respond by email if you hooked your crap up right so that I could) regularly, perhaps even daily .

You know that they are funny, and caring, and that they like taking pictures, but suck at crafting.

You know about their husbands and their children and their IRL friends.

I like to call these people whose lives I stalk mercilessly follow, whose families I've grown to know and care about, whose daily adventures I'm interested in, ifriends (perfect, right?! But don't Google it 'cause some raunchy "adult" site comes up, and don't tell those Mac dudes about it either, they might flip their lids).

People like Angie @ Seven Clown Circus, CK @ Bad Mommy Moments, and Supah D @ Adventures of a Wanna-be Supah Mommy (seriously, ladies, if you don't feel similarly just leave a nice comment anyway b/c otherwise I may lose my mind), who I am inappropriately in love with read daily, send emails to randomly, and would totally go on a girl date with if invited.

ifriends.

Like real friends, but without all the factual information that could creep you out, or the face-to-face interaction that could get tiresome and laborious.

The best thing about ifriends is that they are easy to make, provided you're not a jackhole (so my new favorite word, but I'm not sure quite what it means so if it's offensive awesome sorry!) who gets off on hurting others (aka leaving evil I-hate-myself-but-I'm-taking-it-out-on-you comments all over the place).

Here are my tips for making ifriends:

1. Read their sh**. The worst part about new blog visitors who are seeking exposure (by leaving comments all over the place) is that they don't really read your post. So, I may have written this touching post about how I'm all torn up because my fish died (which really would be sad b/c we've had those little buggers for like 3 years) and ended with a picture of my kid smiling by the tank and they leave a comment that says, "Awesome fish! Hope he doesn't die!" Instantly, not gonna be an ifriend.

2. Be nice. Because there is really no reason to not be. It's not like IRL when some jerkwad at work is constantly eating at you with her annoyingly rude comments and condescending, unappreciative behavior. In that situation it's totally okay if, after weeks of torture, you eventually snap, and tell her that she's an ignorant, self centered, loser with the body of an 8 year old and a kid who bears a striking resemblance to Shrek. Totally understandable. But, not the case in Blog Land. If you don't like what someone is saying (or how their kids look) just navigate away. I get all P-Oed at those imbeciles who have to insult others on their own blog. It's like stopping by my house and telling me I'm ugly and my food sucks. Not okay. Seriously, if you don't like it, or me, or whatever, just. Don't. Read. Not a good way to make ifriends because not only will the person you insulted hate you, most of her readers probably will to.

3. Write good well good? so that people can understand you, include a few pictures, and slim down those ads. Then people will want to visit you over and over and over again. I can name a few people (I'm not gonna, see #2 above) whose blogs I tried to get into reading but couldn't because the writing was sooooo poor. Blogging, if you want others to read it, is honestly, just not for everyone. Some people are just not very good writers (and by writers I mean people able to construct a grammatically correct sentence, not actual writing for publication writers) which means that their blogs are not very fun to read. Thinking hard to muddle through grammatical mistakes is not my idea of fun. That's why I quit teaching (not really, but it wasn't fun then either). Just a fact, not a put down.

Need a little help finding some new ifriends of your own?

Don't mind if I do!

Try these So Not Dumb bloggers whose awesomeness has earned them Dumb Mom's seal of ifriending approval.

That's right ladies, go ahead and wear this badge of honor with pride!

Because you know what? Dumb Mom ifriends are the new black!



Faemom. She's crafty, and smart, and witty, and funny as crap. Mom of two boys with another (of some sex still to be determined I believe) on the way. Worth a read a, definitely one of my besteses ifriends.

When Did I Become My Mother. Real name unknown (to me at least) which proves my point that ifriends don't bother with silly things like names. She's laid back, and easy going, maybe because of the beautiful ocean paradise she calls home. She loves her three kiddos and always leaves nice comments.

Unknown Mami. Whose name I obviously don't know, but whose blog I enjoy everyday, especially on Sundays (go see why for yourself). Plus, her bag face (Book Bag, so effing funny!), photos crack me up!

Smart Pumpkin's Mom. She's the yin to my yang. The up to my down. The smart to my dumb. I'm not even close to being smart enough to explain what kinda knowledge this lady is dropping on us. You'll just have to read her yourself.

Miss Dot's Cupcake Spot. Did somebody say cupcakes? Deliciously-iced-no-wonder-you-weigh-a-ton cupcakes? They are sweet, and show is she!

I'm planning to do this every Monday, but I'd like to feature a guest poster in the future.

You know, 'cause I'm kinda lazy and stuff.

Anyone interested?

Anyone?

I'm putting a Mr. Linky in here so that we can all get to know you potential Dumb Mom ifriends of the future. Be sure to link to your best stuff so we can fall in lurve with you!

A note: Anyone who may, possibly consider writing a guest post for PBD or another blogger can leave a link here. Or, if you just know that you are awesome and want the rest of the world (aka the 18 people who read this blog) to know it, then you can go ahead and leave your links too. You might just end up being one of PBD's new ifriends (to be blabbed about in future posts) because I like awesome. It's sorta my thing.