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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Baby P.I.M.P

Don’t go getting all bawdy on me.

It’s not what you think.

I actually sorta wish it were.

Because instead of this…

funny, cuteness.

We are over here stuck in the throws of potty training Hell and I don’t have time for comedy or crassness (who am I kidding, there is ALWAYS time for a little crass?!).

For the duration of this urine-soaked-feces-stained adventure, we will be referring to #3 as Baby P.I.M.P not because of his well developed backhanding abilities, or his commitment to outlandish hats.

In this case P.I.M.P does not refer to an agent for prostitutes who lives off their earnings (you know, I love Wikipedia, I really do).

In our house P.I.M.P refers to Party In My Pants, instead of in the potty as it should be.

Because in the last week Baby P.I.M.P has peed in every room on the first level of my home and at least 50% of the upstairs area as well.

Additionally, he has dropped a turd (well, technically I dropped it as I sprinted to the bathroom with him in my arms, butt exposed to the world) in my basement and in my kitchen, or my hallway, or…

Not really sure exactly where the second one was produced, but it fell out of his pants leg (and rolled into a corner) somewhere between the kitchen and the bathroom.*

Point is at the moment I am feeling both exhausted and filthy.

My house smells like the subway and I’m sick to death of chasing naked Baby P.I.M.P all over the place to prevent a spot marking incident.

At the moment the only positive is that there is hope that I will soon be saying buh-bye to diapers.

As you may know I am/was a part-time cloth diapering mama.

I use the things when I’m home (Dumb Dad categorically refused to use the things claiming they are well beyond his scope of parenting).

I can’t claim to be a staunch naturalist in this (or any) regard, but I would scream their praises from the rooftops (if I had a stable rooftop to climb upon and a rapt audience at my disposal).

They are awesome for all of the reasons people say they are…less diaper rash, easier on the wallet, better for the environment, not really as hard as they used to be, so stinking cute it’s ridiculous.

But, there was one little element that I hadn’t prepared for…they stink!

Like for reals.

Fonk-key.

#3 is actually The Baby Previously Known as Bus Station Booty, because I swear those things were as nasty smelling as a homeless-man-inhabited bus station stairwell.

So Dumb Dad started calling him Bus Station Booty.

I know it probably had a lot to do with my under performance in the cloth diaper cleaning department, but I swear I tried.

I sprayed them down with the hose after every soiling, I let them soak in a bucket of bacteria friendly water, I washed them twice in our high powered washing machine, on the sanitizing cycle, I hung them outside to dry, hoping the fresh air would seal out the ugly.

No dice.

Still stank.

So, I’m happy to send them on the road and graduate him to chonies.**

Because we are also part-time pull-up avoiders.

We use them when we are not home.

Otherwise we don’t.

Which is why my entire house has been touched by bodily waste.

Because I can’t always catch him.

Sometimes I am tied up talking on the phone checking my email stuffing my face while I hide in the garage cooking dinner.

And then he creeps off to a secret location and unleashes the dragon.

Even though he got this shiny wonder of potty training awesomeness***…

bbpotty

Yep, it’s a Baby Bjorn Smart Potty (which I think means it is guaranteed to lead to potty training success, right?).

But, Mr. I’ll-pee-where-I-want-and-you-can’t-stop-me still acts all put out about doing his naughty on the potty…

potty2

potty4

I mean, I don’t get it, it looks comfy enough (I considered trying it for the sake of doing a full review, but figured I’d probably shatter it).

I can attest that it has a removable potty-catching part (which is way awesome) that is easy to use (kids around here earn their keep, man, no free rides!)…

_MG_1467

And, you can use it for tons of other stuff cool stuff too…

_MG_1583

Point is you’d think he’d be happier about making deposits.

But he’s not.

So. I’ve decided to regroup.

Take a different approach and get everyone (and by everyone I pretty much just mean P.I.M.P) on the same peeing-on-the-floor-is-evil page.

A list, perhaps?

Personally, I always make them when trying to decide on the best course of action (and when Mama Kat tells me to!).

So, Baby P.I.M.P.

To convince you…

10 Reasons Giving Up Diapers Will Make You More Awesome

1. Buh-bye bus station booty.

2. No need to hold still for diaper changes (not that you ever did this anyway).

3. Diarrhea up your back will end forever (to be replaced by diarrhea down your leg, but still).

4. You can play in the potty bathroom with your brothers.

5. You can participate in the unsanctioned activities as described above in #4 and get in trouble just like they do. That will make you a bad a$%. Girls like that.

6. You will no longer have to sneak off to do your business (no more crouching behind the couch and batting at me like an injured raccoon).

7. You can get cool character chonies like Bruver and Wee (#3’s nickname for #2).

8. You can dress yourself like you want (seriously, I don’t care if you wear snow boots and board shorts everyday for the rest of your life just PEE. IN. THE. POTTY!).

9. I’ll give you candy (and other stuff) with the extra cash we save on diapers and wipes and pee-in-your-pants paraphernalia.

10. I’ll like you better.

See?!

Doesn’t this sound like a better way to live?

Happier? Healthier? Hotter?

You can’t be hot in a foul smelling cloth diaper with diarrhea up you back.

But this…

_MG_0700

This is HOT!

Or, at least it will be once we work out the particulars.

So stop acting all hostile when I ask you if you need to use the potty.

Stop lurking around behind the couch and in the pantry.

No more lying about if you went (the neighbors can smell it so, really, why bother?).

I know you don’t want to be potty trained.

But I’m telling you it’s for the best.

It may not feel like it now, but when you’re successfully wearing big boy pants at school like all of the other kids you’ll be glad we did this.

And yes, you can THANK ME LATER!

Link is down there. Hook it up.

*Blessing in disguise is that his turds are like little rocks because he’s constipated himself by holding it in so long. He is strangely freaked out about dropping the kids off at the pool, but as long as he’s wearing underwear he refuses to let loose in those either. So, he holds it, for as long as he physically can, at which point his sphincter gives out and a turd tumbles free. It’s a little bit sad actually.

**Chonies- Mexican for underwear:)

***It was free because I’m a super cool Baby Bjorn Believer which basically means I love them and they love me right back. Ours is red though so it’s even more snazzy and gorgeous. You are welcome to choose from any of the other colors they have:)



28 comments:

Lolli said...

I am laughing too hard to type. The potty hat AND the underwear shot are too hysterical. Yeah, good luck on that.

singedwingangel said...

OOOH my momma had our oldest helping her "water" her beautiful flowers... HE is a doll baby though and watch out once he gets the potty training down he is gonna be beating off the girls with a stick..

Hanneke Nelson said...

You are so brave to have him run around naked. Probably wise, too. We're hits and misses here in the Northwooods on the Potty Training Front but I cannot get my husband to let Lola run free. Well, in his defense, this is not our house...

Elizabeth Patch said...

I know it's not really funny to have to deal with this, but its really funny reading it! thanks so much for stopping by my blog on my SITS day, I really appreciate it!

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Ohhhh, so not good. I am about to have a seizure from the memories of my 2 daughters potty training. Or more like they trained ME how to clean up the house after them. Ack!

Jennifer said...

Girl,I am right there with you. Well, actually, no I'm not, because Zoe won't even discuss the potty. It's annoying me... I was a part-time cloth diaperer too until last summer ( when she turned two) and her diapers were really getting rank too... so I got all lazy about it. My husband, too, refuses to use them. And yes, the thing about girls I wasn't prepared for since I had a boy first, was that they get stanky crotch... even as babies... so, old pee, hot moisture and cloth diaper= somethin'-done-crawled-up-there-and-died stanky crotch. Good luck!

Heather said...

my daughter would never go in the potty. she would sit on it and then get up when she needed to pee and go squat in the corner. She peed on the dog once. That was fun to clean up.

In the end we got one of those seats that goes on top of the toilet - she got it immediately having seen mummy go to the toilet (because it's impossible to do that in out house without a child or two accompanying you) and has been fine ever since. i don't think i'm even going to bother with the potty with the boy.

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Potty training sounds like so much fun--great reasons you gave him there for losing the diapers!

Visiting from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. I chose the craft prompt: http://karenzemek.blogspot.com/2008/08/giraffe-note-holder-craft-idea.html

Farmers Wife said...

This post is awesome.....really it is! Been there, done that and survived! Visiting from mama kats....

parentingBYdummies said...

I'm hopeful that this stint in H-E-double-hockey-sticks will be short. Otherwise he most certainly will be going to prom in a diaper. Actually, I might make him do that anyway. You know, just for punishment:)

Brea said...

That. Was. Hilarious!

Thank you. I had forgotten what having a YOUNG child was like and have considered having another one... No more!

Life with Kaishon said...

He is the cutest thing EVER. Seriously. What a sweetie. I would love him so much because of that cute face that I would ignore the fact that he makes the house smell like the subway. Probably :)

Kmama said...

I haven't even started with Buster and I've given up already. LOL

It took me until Buddy was 3.5 (THREE AND A HALF!!) to get him trained.

If it's going to be like that with Buster, I'm waiting until 3.25 to even start.

We do have a potty and I get him to sit on it sometimes, but he hasn't ever peed in it.

Debbie said...

Now this was hysterical! So sorry you are having the whole house be the training ground. Loved the photos.

parentingBYdummies said...

Brea...Don't. Do. It. For reals.

LWK...You are only saying that b/c you have probably never slept in a subway station before. Forgive me, but you don't really come off as the subway sleeping type. I wasn't either and I didn't want to be.

KMama...If this goes well he will be my earliest trained (turned 2 last month, remember), the other 2 weren't started until they were 2.5 and it lasted 7 days start to finish. I don't like dragging Hell out any longer than necessary!

Debbie...Glad someone is enjoying this adventure 'cause I'm pretty sure it sorta sux!

Maggie S said...

Your top ten reasons will come in handy in a slightly modified form when they are about 10 and won't bathe.

Sorry about the drama. No one really knows about potty training. But I can tell you that is why we are adopting a five year old. The job is done.

4 Lettre Words said...

Oh how that stubbornness will come in handy...one day...in a land far away...

Adoption of Jane said...

I know you don't wanna hear this but the pics of him crying are always so cute!!! Okay back to P.I.M.P. we are having that issue here too!! I feel your pain!

tara said...

hahahaha. wait, i shouldn't laugh. potty training is in my future. and, well, karma, baby.

Jennifer said...

I *think* I'm ready to start potty training the Bud but every time I ask if he wants to go he looks at me like "whatchu talkin' 'bout bitch" and says "nnnnooooohhhh". Yeah. Not looking forward to it.

But you did have me totally cracking up with laughter. But not AT you. WITH you. Because I know I'm going to be there really, really soon.

Oh, and an idea, see if you can get No 1 and No 2 to take him when they are home. Being cool like the bigs is way better than doing it because Momma told you too. At least that is what I would think.

I'm NOT a VOLCANO! said...

That is HILARIOUS!!!! I love the picks, and the P.I.M.P. Wonderful.
I'm not participating today because I'm promoting my giveaway! But I'll be involved next week!

faemom said...

I hate potty training. I know it's time for Sean, but still. Ugh. And I laughed at you testing out the potty; did you ever read when I had to try out ours in an emergency situation? Good luck with the training.

And I linked! Aren't you proud? It took me this long, but I did it.

Maggie S said...

Linked up...for the exercise.

Sunday said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am...but I can't help it.
I can literally FEEL your frustration about the whole potty training issue.
Try to keep your sanity if you can about the whole thing. If it makes you feel any better (it won't) mine are 7 and almost 5 and still in diapers.
Considering their autistic...we may be in this for the long haul.

mommydrinksbecauseyoucry said...

You are too funny. I tell my daughter all the time the only reason why she has survived this long is because God made her so cute. Your boys are adorable!

Erin said...

ROFLMAO!!! OMG You cracked me right up with all the potty stuff, considering we are going through all this with my oldest and he holds it all it as well...you should see him....now I've been giving him Miralax for the last 3 days...and dried apricots, let's see him try and hold it in now! HAHAHAHAHA I WILL WIN!

Now to just get him to go in the potty!

Mrs4444 said...

OMG. I'm sorry, but this was hilarious. So glad I'm past those days! LOL

Gonna link this on FB right now!

Jennifer M. said...

I thought the video clip was cute until I read your post. My stomach literally hurts from laughing so hard. My poor little confused 22month old. He only wants to sit on the potty after he's already gone in his diaper. I'm going to post about this. It is too funny for anyone not to read!

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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