Make New (i)friends Monday: Never True Tales

Some people lie,
and some people don't
Some people try,
and others just won't

Well Amy don't lie,
but she likes to tell stories.
about chocolate and pie
and what makes her horny.

Okay, that's not right.
She's the one with the boys
who get into fights
with their lunches for joy.

She's the one who shares
about pit stops for kids,
because she cares
where your kid takes a whiz.

So thank Amy with
a visit or two
or I will get miffed
and drop kick you fool!

Spend a few moments with my girl Amy, and then, when you're all done, you can watch the video to see who was crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the first ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

And, I know whow ya'll like to get outta watching the videos, but you have to watch it if you wanna know who won; or you have to count up all 103 votes on your own.

I'm evil, aren't I?!

So today, I’ve been invited to be parenting By dummies’ ifriend, and don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be here, but I’m a bit intimidated, too. If you hadn’t noticed, PBD is one cool chick. Like, first-girl-in-junior-high-to-
not-only-get-a-bra-but-learn-that-Flashdance-trick-of-removing-it-through-her-ripped-tee-sleeves cool. And as you’ll learn, I’m…not. Just never came naturally to me, you know? Like hats. I could never wear hats, but my sister could. Effortlessly. She even pulled off those big bowed headband numbers.

I digress, but yeah, being an ifriend here at PBD is pretty much like getting invited to Jennifer Cascas’ 8th grade boy-girl party all over again. That time, I ended up standing in the corner repeatedly flipping through a back issue of Redbook Jennifer’s mom had left on the end table of the couch so I’d look all preoccupied and busy and not at all awkward, and it’s true: I learned loads about summer-time smoothies that make a splash, but this time, I’m determined to do better. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So this is me, front and center. Doing awkward things. (Imagine Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, but not as successful. Or as funny. Or on TV. Or fictional. What the what?) My point is, I’m going to be proactive. In the event you click over to Never-True Tales and take a look around, I want to make sure you and I are properly acquainted. To that end, I’ve compiled a short list of FAQs.

1. So Amy, who the heck are you, anyway? Where ya from? What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

How nice of you to ask. Most days, I don’t really know who I am, to be honest, which makes me just about like everybody else. I’m a wife, for starters, and I begin with that because for me, marriage came before most everything else worth mentioning: before the career, before the kids, before the blogging and the writing. Yep, I married young. It’s part of who I am. I’m the mother of three pretty awesome boys. I love having boys; I’m the first to admit I’d have no idea what to do with a girl…or her hair. Just thinking about all those clips and bands and scrunchies (do they still make scrunchies?) causes me to break out in a sweat.

Right now, I have about four jobs, none of which I’m paid for (much). I’m a savvy businesswoman that way. I’m deeply involved in a lifelong love affair with the outdoors; I’m a Search and Rescue volunteer, I’m a wilderness EMT, I’m a skier, I’m a runner. I’m an editor, or at least I was, pre-kids. Oh, and I’m from Oregon. It’s beautiful here. You’d love it.

Lastly: Coldstone Creamery’s cake batter ice cream with dark chocolate shavings and fresh blackberries. That’s the best flavor of ice cream ever invented (by me, God‘s truth).

2. Speaking of which, what’s up with writing about things that are ‘never true’?

The Never-True Tales are in fact, always true. The name of the blog was inspired by my youngest son Toby, who used to tell long, impossibly nonsensical stories in which he was always super-something: super strong, super smart, super speedy, super-more-amazing-than-his-brothers. In hindsight, he may have had an inferiority complex of some sort.

3. So, what do you have on offer over at NTT? Contests? Free stuff? What? Gimme.

Erm, not much in the freebie department, sadly. Ditto on lots of ads and promos. I figure I’ll sell out when I’m good and ready (like when someone wants to send my family to Disney World), but in the meantime, I only host giveaways when there’s something too tempting for me to pass up. Like cookies. Every Friday, I host Won’t You Be My Neighbor, for which I have awesome guests like PBD. Every so often, I revive a series called Open Letter To…Tuesday, in which I write an open letter of complaint or apology to the subject of my choosing. It all began when Toby beat up a Subway sandwich under the bleachers of a ball game. But day-in, and day-out, it’s pretty much WYSIWYG (shout out to all you design-types out there). What you see is what you get: (hopefully solid) writing. Memoir. Anecdotes to which I hope you can relate. Lots of questions. Very few answers.

4. You talk a lot about query letters and outlines and word counts. Are you a published author or something?

No, I’m not, but thanks for bringing it up. That smarts. Seriously, I do publish poetry on occasion, and I also write fiction (short stories and novels). I’m constantly in a latest edit of one thing or another, and so yeah, you’ll occasionally hear me sobbing quietly to myself about a particularly stubborn paragraph or the latest rejection. I try to keep it down.

5. Don’t you have another blog, too? I swear I’ve seen pictures of these same kids on travel forums while I was endlessly researching spring break fares.

Why yes, thanks for asking. I have a travel site called Pitstops For Kids. I’m quite fond of it, actually. Its purpose is to provide parent reviews of places to stop and play (or stay) along major interstates and in airports while traveling as a family…you know, to alleviate the horror of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? NOW?” I hope you’ll stop by!

6. Your blog is ok, I guess, but can you recommend others? What makes for a good blog? Any deal-breakers?

There are as many good blogs as there are tastes in blogs.There are many I love, all for different reasons. Some inspire me with the written language, some teach me how to bake cinnamon rolls. Others just make me laugh. Generally, you'll find my favorites on my blog roll (which I frequently swap out to keep the list manageable). My personal deal-breakers are few: if you have something worth saying, I'll listen. That said, if you can't remember when to use there/they're/their, or routinely use its/it's interchangeably, I will move on. Call me a snob, but it can't be helped.

7. Wow, the more I get to know you, the more intellectual and literary and generally amazing you seem to be! (Haha) Surely you have some vices?

Well, I bite my nails. And really have a hard time watching my mouth. My kids throw up on the living room rug and talk back and mortally embarrass me at church just like yours do. Probably worse. Luckily for you, I spill all about it. I follow certain TV series like some people follow baseball or NASCAR…which is to say, obsessively. And I have my guilty pleasures: coughTwilightcough. You don’t fall farther from grace than that. (Especially if you hold an English Lit degree.) You won’t catch me talking about it at Never-True Tales, though, unless I’m recounting my run-in with the elderly over a paperback copy in Goodwill (and I do mean run-in) or writing a letter of complaint to Summit Entertainment. Sometimes I get overly worked up over the environment, but I have a column for that, so you’re usually safe. In short, I tend to find causes or series or ideas to get excited about from time to time, but I work very hard to contain that excitement, like a puppy trying not to piddle all over the carpet. It can be a struggle.



And wow, I’m going to leave you with that image. Told you this would be awkward. Anyway, many thanks to Amanda for having me here! I’d be honored to be her friend any day!

And here is the moment you all (aka the 8 entrants and the people they forced to vote for them) have been waiting for.

Only, I have to warn you about something...

The soundtrack is pretty ADULT ONLY (so don't play it while your kids are in the room!).

There are a coupla F-bomb in their that I somehow forgot about. Seriously, I noticed cursing in songs in the 90s about as often as I noticed the pain on the walls.

You've been officially warned so please don't leave in comments about how morally corrupt I am. Never said I wasn't:)

P.S. Wanna win and EXTRA ENTRY in my current giveaway? Watch the video & leave a comment congratulating the winner!

Blog Dawg 2010

Is ready to be chosen.

The fan favorite winner will be gifted a copy of Corel Digital Studio 2010, the awesome photo editing and movie making software, and the Dumb Mom fave will get to select a low value because I bought it with my own cheese gift card option from a number of lovely places that will make their hearts flutter with excitement (or with the over abundance of caffeine).

Here’s how it works…

First watch the video because it is funny!*

If you are a contestant…

…be sure to blog and tweet all about your entry so that people who love you in spite of your Fugly Face Photo will know to come vote for you. And call or text or send all of your friends a page (remember when people used to say, “hit me on the hip”? Were you one of those people?) and tell them you will end them if they don’t to come vote for you.

…don’t bother voting for yourself, you can vote for others or keep noticeably silent through the process. I feel like it’s safe to assume that you would pretty much pick yourself to win all of the awesome prizes so no need to remind me.

…prepare your acceptance speech; the winner will be Monday’s ifriend and I doon’t want no kinda bullcrap acceptance post. This is a big deal, people, not everyone can claim a prestigious title like Blog Dawg of the year.

If you are a voter…

…Make sure you don’t try to vote anonymously. I will know that you are simply Jen @ Momma Made it Look Easy someone voting for herself repeatedly.

…come back and vote every day. Every person can place one vote per day (unless you have several accounts, and then, by all means, feel free to log in numerous times and vote multiple times per day; I will honestly never figure you out because I am too dumb to notice and too lazy too care. Plus, if you work that hard to cheat your blog buddy deserves to win!).

---have fun and kick yourself for not entering. And then, promise yourself that you will remember to check back here at the beginning of May to be sure that you don’t miss the next one!

Now here they are.

Blog Dawg Contestants of the year…

Appearing from left to right, top to bottom in random order..

1. Kmama from The Daily Dribbles

2. Mary Mac from Pajamas and Coffee

3. Sunday from WYSIWYG

4. Mama Jules from All You Need is Love

5. Jennifer from Chaos Wrapped in Chocolate-Covered Grins

6. Angel from Angel Believes

7. Jennifer from Momma Made it Look Easy

8. Supah Mommy from Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy

Now, make ‘em proud.

Choose your favorite most fugliest photo, leave the number of your choice in the comments section, repeat Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and then come back on Monday to congratulate the fugly winner!

Be instrumental in helping your fugly friend win the multimedia suite of their dreams and she just might edit your photos for you!

P.S. In case you missed it today is Bruncle's birthday which is why he earned an honorable place in the Blog Dawg Year Book. How's that for an awesome gift?! Being my lil brother does have it's perks!

*What's even more funny than the photos are all of my spelling errors since I made it in such a sleep deprived stupor I'm surprised it even works!

RanDumb: Retro Edition

You’d think rich people could stay outta trouble.

Just this week we’ve seen this winner…

repeatedly gracing web pages and magazine covers (do you think they purposely make you look this horrible before they snap your shot?).

Jeez, Dude. Get a hobby (other than attempting to pull alcohol fueled, bumbling bank jobs).

If I had millions of dollars I’m pretty sure I could find plenty of crap to do that didn’t involve time behind bars.

But that’s just me.

Celebrities are different. For some reason they seem to be huge crime junkies.

From whore-infatuated politicians (and golfers) to sex tape scandalized actresses (and heiresses), our faves from the big screen (and the capitol) all could have easily saved themselves a whole butt load of trouble had they spent a few minutes Goggling their favorite vices on the Internet.

Which is what I did to bring you this weeks addition of RanDumb*.

Enjoy!

Things Naughty-Law-Abiding-Challenged Celebrities Shoulda Goggled

1. Celebrity+sex+tape+scandals. Had someone like Ray J. went ahead and done this then he woulda known that, when embroiled in a sex tape “scandal”, it’s better for the rest of your career if you are the female “star” as opposed to the slightly washed up D-list celebrity male component. I mean, just look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. After their video came out in 1998 she got even more popular, while him, not so much. Same thing for Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Both of them have spent tons of time in the limelight since their sex tape-scapades made their Internet debuts, however the aforementioned Ray J. and that nobody Hilton was with have all but disappeared. I know Ray J. has that Flavor-of-Love-wannabe-hood-rat-fest of a show, “For the Love of Ray J.” on VH1, but really, who even cares? I can say with complete conviction that I would do more for a Klondike Bar than I would for the love of Ray J.

2. Celebrity+prostitution+busts. Holy pants on the ground, Batman! Are there people who haven’t heard about Hugh Grant and Divine Brown? Or what about Eddie Murphy and that tranny (that was embarrassing!)? Seriously. Eddie may not have had to go downtown for his transgression, but everyone saw Hugh’s mugshots, right?

Thanks to his 1998 debacle we all know what happens to celebrities who get hooked (can that be a verb, or does that not work?). So what is up with people like A-Rod and Eliot Spitzer? Pick up an In Touch Weekly, guys. Hop on People.com. Could save you a lot of trouble.

3. Celebrities+sex+rehab. Had Tiger and David Duchovny taken a few moments to type these three little words into everyone’s favorite medical diagnosing machine (aka Goggle), they would have come back with articles about one very famous sexaholic named Michael Douglas. He spent some part of the 90s figuring out how to put a muzzle on his libido. Both Tiger and Duchovny both could have saved millions of dollars, not to mention weeks of embarrassment.

4. Politicians+infidelity. Two words. Bill. effing-Clinton. So maybe that was two and a half words. But seriously, politicians cheating on their wives with young chicks is so 1997 (‘96?, 98?). It always goes down the same way, too: allegations of “inappropriate behavior” (aka hooking up in the oval office) are made, politician denies it as does young probably paid off and/or threatened girl involved, young girl winds up pregnant dead caught in a lie with a a semen stained dress breaking the story for some reason, politician admits to some smaller offense (usually an “inappropriate” relationship) but vehemently denies the allegations, politician’s sensible wife stands by him as the pillar of the family, all hell breaks loose, everyone forgets about the random young chick who was implicated in the affair, all focus is put on the wife (and whether she’ll stay or go), no one cares what the politician does once a celebrity sex tape is released (unless the politician is in that too!), politician resigns and goes on to write a book have a library named after him run a Baskin Robins live happily ever after. I was so over the John-Edwards-stereotypical-affair story until the whole sex tape scandal broke. Way to change the game for us John!

5. Celebrities+arrested+DUI. It seems no one is immune to this: Heather Locklear, Keifer Sutherland, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charles Barkley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, Haley Joel no-wonder-he-sees-dead-people-Osment. The list of celebrities picked up for driving under the influence could go on forever. Not sure why they haven’t learned this lesson. They have so many role models to learn from in this particular area. Notable ones even. I know that his recent success has made these days all but disappear, but seriously for most of the 90s this is one of the only shots of Robert Downey Jr. you were likely to see…

He’s like the poster child for when-good-actors-get-addicted-to-crap. He’s been arrested more times than DMX (anyone with an “Arrest-o-Meter page has serious issues) for crying out loud and every time it was drug and/or alcohol related. Carrying an unloaded gun; while drunk. Speeding; while drunk. Breaking into people’s houses because he thinks it’s his house; while, you guessed it, drunk. So much to learn from a guy like this.

Point is, had any of these celebritards taken half a second to do a little research things could have gone much differently.

So, if you find yourself trapped in a life altering blizzard this weekend (like I’m scheduled to be) and you’re bored outta your mind, go ahead and type this into Google: things 90s stars did to ruin their lives.

Hours-o-fun and it’s not even illegal.

And, while we’re on the topic of 90s stuff worth remembering why don’t you go ahead and get your self entered in my 90s inspired photo contest?!

You could win awesome prizes so being laughed at shamelessly a few moments of discomfort is totally worth it!

*RanDumb is a weekly event here at parenting BY dummies during which I share recent (or in this case, retro) events that focus on the dumb in others. It makes me look and feel good, plus it’s funny! Looking for other random fun? Head on over to Mrs. 4444’s blog, Half Past Kissin’ Time and link up to her Friday Fragments post.

Thank Me Later Thursday: Miley Edition

Welcome back to another week of Thank Me Later Thursday, where you get to join me in telling people why they should be thanking me for the awesomeness I've allowed them to experience.

Seriously, you should join me; it's FUN!

And, for extra points ('cause I'm totally keeping score), I also try to make sure that all of my Thank Me Later Thursday posts fit nicely with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts (which for this week is: A song you can’t escape).

It's sort of a competition I have going on with her.

A secret one.

That she doesn't know about.

Shhhh! I'm totally winning!

So, who is this week's lucky recipient of the Thank Me Later honor at Casa de Dummies?

#3!

Because as I have aged, my music preferences have mysteriously decided not to. My way of staying youthful, keeping in touch with the younger generation, forcing the fact that I'm hip, I'm cool down my children's throats?

Possibly.

Point is, if you have a teenage daughter at home chances are good the two of us are listening to the same stuff.

For example, should you go to the section on my ipod that says, "Recently Played" you will discover tracks such as "Kiss Me Through the Phone", by Souljaboy Tell 'Em (yes, after years in the music biz this mental giant decided to expand his name to include a verb and an abbreviated pronoun; explanation not provided), "One Time", by Justin Beiber (a song which prompted Dumb Dad to inquire about my infatuation with young boys. Don't peg me pervy, it's not any young boys! Only best selling artists and manly muscled teen wolfs.), and one that baffles even me, "Party in the U.S.A." by none other than Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus (which is also my current cellphone ringtone. I know, it sounds horrible, but I seriously did it months ago just to bug Hubby and haven't ever changed it. You'd be surprised how people look at me in the grocery store when it rings!).

Anyway, point is that since #3 and I spend an exorbitant amount of our time together in the car and at home (where he has been deemed the ipod Nazi as he requires music that he selects to be playing AT ALL TIMES), we have developed a similar taste in music (although I have to admit that he is essentially ruining "Fireflies" by Owl City for me by requesting it, a word I use to mean screaming, "FIREFWIES! NOT DAT SONG, MOMMY! PWAY FIREFWIES!", repeatedly).

Take a moment to view the evidence:



Not bad for a just-turned-2-year-old, right? And, did you see the part where he was droppin' it like it's hot? Yeah, I taught him that!

So, here you have it, #3s special Miley-inspired-Thank-Me-Later:

Hey, #3, don't worry about it, you can Thank Me Later. You know, for turning you into a pop-songcessed child with the music taste of a tween girl. You may become the laughing stalk of your high school class if this continues (can you imagine him singing this in the locker room while he dresses for football?!), but the hours we've spent dancing and singing together in the kitchen will be priceless memories that you will be able to cherish for a lifetime. And, just in case you forget, there are hours of videotaped evidence (see above) that I won't hesitate to pull out (in front of skanky fast little hookers in training girls) to remind you of our happy times. So did you want to go ahead and thank me now or wait until your Super Sweet 16 birthday party to do it (and yes, MTV original shows have become quite a good friend to me as well)? Either way works for me. XOXO, Your-golly-aren't-you-lucky Dumb Mom

Wanna play along?

It's easy!

Just grab a button from my sidebar (you don't have to, but you will make me happy, and that is optimal for both of us. 'Cause I know people. Important people. Just sayin'.), put it on your blog, link back to me, and add your link to the hand dandy Mr. Linky box (which I paid $10 for so make it worth it, people!).

How easy is that?

So very.

And then, once you've shared your fantastic story about why you're awesome while people around you are busy causing you to questions the rules against forced sterilization, you can send me you 90's inspired photo so that you have a chance to be crowned parenting BY dummies Blog Dawg of the year.

Not because you're particularly proud of the fact that you spent half of your adolescence hiding in the bathroom from mean girls, but because now that you are a happily for today, not sure about next week married, successful laid off and getting fat corporate diva, or a blissful accidental, and waiting 'til they're 18 mother, you can turn around to all of those high school haters and say, "In yo face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place."

Seriously, how fun is that?

So. Very.

Make New ifriends Monday, I mean Tuesday?

I know, you're dying inside, but no Bachelor stuff today because yesterday, was a busy one and I couldn't feature this awesome nagging-begging-shameless blogger I have been forced grown to adore.

Please get to know my newest ifriend, Working Mommy (aka Lessons Learned) with a poem:

Roses are red, The Saints gold and black,
her man I bet has one aching back.

Long story short, football's her game,
which is cool even though I don't feel the same.

On other stuff we are much more a like,
For example, I bet she'd use the word sike.

And she's cool, and she's funny, kinda sorta like me,
but for proof you are gonna just have to go see.

She hides her face like I hide my name,
so that is another way we are the same.

She does have a job of the cash earning kind,
but don't hold that against her, her's blog's a great find!

Do I ever steer you wrong?

Check her out now ('cause I'm guest posting over there too!), but not before you find a Fugly Face Photo of yourself to enter in my contest so that you can take home the title. Being named Blog Dawg of the year is nothing to play around with. Opportunity of a lifetime people. A. LIFETIME!

A Guest Post from Working Mommy aka Lessons Learned aka That Chick Who Emails me A lot

Back in December, Dumb Mom and I exchanged a few emails. She is a blogger - I am a blogger. She has a group of fabulous bloggy followers - I have a group of fabulous bloggy followers. She is a wonderful mother to her beautiful boys - I am a slacker wonderful mother to my beautiful daughter. We pretty much came to the conclusion that we are the most kick-ass, bright-rainbow eating, sparkle-star pooping, booty-shaking women in all the land!!

Alright, alright...it didn't QUITE go as described. I pretty much sent her an emailing begging asking if I could feature her one Tuesday in my little piece of blog-topia. Not only that, but I also offered to off someone expressed interest in being featured on her blog-diggity. After a little bit of suggestive winking arm twisting butt kicking pleading my case, Dumb Mom agreed - horray!!

Then the panic set in...well, hell...I got the clutch spot...now what am I going to write about?!?! Crap!! So, I posed the question to Dumb Mom - what could I possibly write that your followers would think is interesting?? Her response was the most fabulous thing I've ever heard!!

"How about your awesomeness...that would be great! Actually, I really don't have any sort of ramifications about posting, just tell us what you're all about so that we know what we're getting into before we come by your blog. You know, if you worship Satan or live in a nudist colony, stuff like that so we are surprised."

I think she really meant to say "aren't" surprised...but we'll let that one slide, since I'm sure she was dealing her boys punching fighting sitting calmly with each other watching an educational show. Talk about me you say??? I can do THAT!!!

*******
Hi, my name is Working Mommy and I am blog addict.

All: Hi Working Mommy

When I'm not stalking and commenting, which is pretty much all of the time, I can be found in my own little blogtopia...writing and causing a fuss! I even have a cute butt-on to prove it!!!

http://workingmommyof1.blogspot.com/" target="_blank" title="Lessons Learned">http://i902.photobucket.com/albums/ac224/neuffj/Completed%20Desgnz/Button-2.gif" />

There is plenty to say about me...but THE most important items for you to remember are that Sunday (1/31) was my one year anniversary with the man AND that this Saturday (2/6) is muh birfday!!!

(short pause for booty-shaking and shot-taking)

So, I started blogging back in October...I know, it wasn't all that long ago but I've come a long way since then! There are a few posts from back when I began that I think are quite funny...but no one has commented on them. I didn't have followers back then so no love was going around. Maybe sharing them with you today will get a few comments to feed my desire to be wanted addiction.


We don't live in a nudist colony or anything, but the man (hubs) and I did meet

online...praise be to match.com...seriously!! While the internet did bring me my hubs...it also ushered in a new fear of the internet - and the men who use it. After going on quite a few dates, I realized the reason why some of these men were still 35+ and single...and it was hard for me not to look at them and say that no amount of online dating would ever change that. They just weren't stable, damnit.

Not even 2 months into our relationship, the man and I found out we were pregnant - YAY!! We actually found out on his birthday...lucky guy! Since the babe is our first, I had no idea what would be ahead for us. I soon found out that being pregnant is a pre-existing condition...did you know that?? You didn't?? I didn't either until I heard from my insurance company!! Do you ever wonder how stupid people made it through to adulthood?? I do...every. single. day!

In regards to religion, I am actually about as far away from worshiping Satan as one could get. The only thing more stressful than figuring out how to pay for our shot-gun wedding was dealing with the babe's Baptism. Thankfully, when we start having other wee ones - whenever THAT will be - I will know what I'm doing when it comes to religious ceremonies...all I have to do is find friends with morals. Any takers?!?!

Last, but certainly not least, I will leave you with a story that shows just how much I don't care about what other people think. I think I got my ability to speak my mind from my father. The fact that I do it in public, that comes from my mother. Together they created the greatness which is me!! So, I do hope you'll come by and visit me...maybe enter agiveaway or two...hell, you can even guest post if you want to!! See you all in my little piece of blogtopia soon!!!

Round the Way Girl: A Contest!

Today is an exciting day here at parenting BY dummies.

But, in an effort to stick to traditions and keep myself on a schedule, I’ve decided not to forgo Ask Me Monday (I know how much ya’ll love it!).

But, as I am, the creative director around this piece I have decided to change it up a wee little bit.

Not much, I swear, you’ll barely even notice.

But, instead of answering your direct questions, I’m going to answer the underlying one that has at some time crossed each and every one of your minds:

Who is Dumb Mom really?

Not my birth name or my married name. Those things are trivial (and not gonna be divulged unless you hunt me down which is a metaphor for GO TO THE SITS BLOGGY BOOT CAMP IN BALTIMORE WHERE I WILL BE NEXT MONTH).

What you want to know (don’t ask me how I know this, I just do) is who is the woman behind the pretty face? Who is the real Dumb Mom? What makes her tick and where did she come from anyway?

And, as poetry is sorta my thing nowadays, I’ve decided to answer your query with a poem of sorts (borrowed from a sexy star and reimagined, aka stolen mercilessly, to apply to me)…

I was a girl, no extensions just long hair,

wanted bamboo earrings, at least two pair.

A Fendi bag and a bad attitude,

was not my thing, I didn’t like to be rude.

I could walk with a switch, but I lacked in street slang.

Not quite a woman but I still did my thing.

Never at a bus stop, but loved me some lollipops

Once I got jumping* was hard to make this hottie stop.

I liked to dance to the rap jams.

I was sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams.

Honey coated complexion,

What the hell is Camay?

Let’s hear it for me ya’ll I’m from around the way.

Please tell me you recognize this little ditty.

Ladies Love Cool Jay?

Mama Said Knock You Out, circa 1990?

Hottest effing hip hop star to ever walk this earth (okay, tied for hottest with T.I. and only not second to JT because, well, JT is not really a hip hop artist even though he pretends to be from time to time)…

View Full Album

Is he even human?

Okay, if you are confused right now because you are some strange freak of nature whose 1990s music collection did not include LL Cool J just bear with me. There is a method to this madness.

As hot as Mr. Smith (that’s his boring real name) is, it is not his sexy that I’m meaning to call attention to in this post, but his significance to a time period that I can not forget: 1990 .

It was an awesome year. It jumped off an entire decade of unforgettable music, fashion styles, movies and television shows.

So many lovely things got their start in the 90s.

Great movies: Austin “Danger” Powers, Dumb and Dumber, Happy Gilmore, Steel Magnolias, Sleepless in Seattle, Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Boyz in da Hood, The Matrix, Jurassic-freakin’-Park. I mean I could go on for days about just the movies.

But there were tons of other cool things too!

Television shows sorta made names for themselves in the 90s. I know that’s when I became the serious television connoisseur that I am today.

I was hooked on stuff like Beverly Hills 90210 (the real one), Melrose Place (the one worth watching), Friends, Seinfeld (which I honestly didn’t start watching until I was in college and it started the reruns every night), The X-Files (which I only watched because I wanted to seem all deep and smart for Hubby who loved the stupid show), and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (back when Will Smith was funny).

And then there was the music, and the fashion, and O.J. (I’m talking about The Juice, not the juice), and the Internet, to which we owe our lives.

But perhaps the most significant creation of the 90s was me!

Now, I’m not young enough to claim that my momma actually squeezed me out during the 90s, but I can say that since I completed some of middle school, all of high school, and most of college during the 90s, my social persona, awkward though it may be, was largely formed during this time.

Sadly, this is the foundation upon which it was built…

Yes, friends, that is your beloved Dumb Mom circa 1992.

Hair feathered with a ridiculous amount of hint of frizz, Al B. Sure unibrow, bad dental work (I think I’m actually missing a tooth!), crazy shirt, all tied together with a tarnished, but arguably stylish gold chain.

Shameful.

I coulda used a stern talking to (which I distinctly remember getting) re:my senseless disregard of approved grooming practices and fashion dos.

It’s a wonder that I turned out to be the looker I am today (actually, I’m not much improved but at least my parents caved on got the braces. Changed. My. Life.).

As Bruncle used to say, I was a “hot mess”.

But, I’m okay with that. And, do you want to know why?

Why I am willing, even eager, to share this hideous depiction of the girl formerly known as Bulldog (ask BFF, I kid you not, they called me that in high school and anytime you are compared to a dog of any sort you can pretty much imagine that things ain’t going your way in the dating department)?

Because I’m pretty certain that many of you looked similarly bad and you’re gonna prove it!

Because today is the launch of parenting BY dummies First Ever FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST!

That’s right people. A vintage photo contest celebrating the fact that we all weren’t candidates to be cast in Clueless (another awesome 90s hit) unless we wanted to play Tai (RIP Brittany Murphy).

Some of us were physically awkward with personalities to match.

But lucky for us, we’ve all grown up to be moderately productive, somewhat well-rounded, reluctantly responsible members of society.

So, wanna join me in celebrating the awkward years?

Want to be crowned the PBD’s 1990s Inspired BLOG DAWG of the Year?!

All you have to do to get involved is email me (parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot]com) a wicked bad photo of yourself from the 90s. You know what I’m talking about. You in 3 pairs of slouchy socks and LA Gear to match, mile high bangs, tight rolled jeans, Hammer pants (come on they were comfy, you know you had a pair), head gear adorned braces, Proactive worthy acne, those glasses that make your eyes look all small. That kinda stuff. And say I’m allowed to have my way with it (aka post it on my blog and make fun of it).

Then you wait until February 12th, when the last qualified entry hits my inbox, and you start campaigning (on your blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, by sending me cash bribes in discreetly marked envelopes).

Because what you want is votes.

Votes that say you really are owner of the Fugliest Face from the 90s so that you, as fan favorite Blog Dawg, can win a copy of Corel's Digital Studio 2010 (a photo editing and movie making software program).

How awesome is that?

So very, if you ask me!

More info to come throughout the week, but get those entries dug out and sent in because there will also be daily prizes** awarded to Tweeters (people who Tweet about the contest even if they don’t actually enter will be eligible for daily prizes too) and entrants also!

And, just because I am a huge control freak, there will also be a Dumb Mom Favorite awarded too for Fugly Photo that Made Me Pee a Little (aka laughed-so-hard-I-messed-myself photo, aka should-be-punished-in-a-court-of-law photo).

Now, chop, chop people.

Time’s awastin’ and you know you wanna be crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the First Ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

Even if you are convinced, as I am, that you were your high school’s version of Kelly/Cher/other super cool high school heroine, there is at least one photo to claim other wise. We all have them. For some they will be the class picture that showed up in the yearbook (see above). But for others, they may be a fluke or a one-time deal snapped by your mom with your dorky little brother ruining it like always (see below). Either way they’re out there.

And, even if you had Poison airbrushed on your backside (which would indicate that you really did think you were all that and a bag of chips) I encourage you to enter them, they are just as more funny now than they were then. Trust me.

Prestigious title (being named official Blog Dawg of 2010)+awesome prize (your own copy of Corel Digital Studio)=worth the embarrassment.

*not sure what this sentence actually meant, so I changed it to “jumping”, as in rope. It was 1990 for crying out loud, I was 12!

**daily prizes are funded by moi which means they are mediocre. But, they are free so no reason not to participate. We both know you’ll do just about anything for some free junk!

Boom Baby Is Right!

If I didn't weigh so dang much, I'd be literally blown away by how many people were coerced, threatened, or bribed came over to cast their votes for the Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest this week.

As it is, I'm amazed!

There really were so many great entries.

They all deserve to win.

Only, since my finances are a bit, um...strained (apparently "Santa's" retainer fee has gone up a bit this year) everyone can't get a gift of the tangible-could-be-sold-on-ebay variety.

But...

Remember high school (I'm probably the only person on the planet who actually longs to go back to high school since that is where I left the thin version of myself), when they had those superlatives for the year book?

You know Most Likely to Succeed (aka biggest dork). Or, Biggest Flirt (aka the fast ones getting all the "action"). Stuff like that.

I always wanted to win one of those, just once.

I woulda been happy with anything...maybe Most Athletic.

But I was a cheerleader, and not the back handspring-ing kind, the stomp-clap-stomp kind.

Okay. So I wasn't a cheerleader at first.

At first, I was the Panther (sorta had to work my way up to real life cheerleader, but I swear, eventually I made it outta the suit and onto the field/court in my real skin).



Pretty sure this temporary vocation of mine reflected unfavorably on the rest of my years.

Point is I never won anything.

Possibly because I wasn't outstanding at anything.

Possibly because of the year I spent as the Panther.

Or, possibly because BFF was busy outshining me at everything.

Do you know that freshman year she won prettiest AND best dressed?!

Seriously! Does one person really need two titles?

Anyway, I thought the best way to do this contest would be to give superlatives to the Hall of Shamers because each of you were awesome in your own possibly-dysfunctional-but-ridiculously-funny ways.

And, I don't want you to feel all scorned or left out because you didn't win anything.

So, in random order, because I figure if you wanna know who got the most votes, you can feel free to spend the next two hours counting all 390 of those bad boys.

#1. From When Did I Become My Mom, aka Kids Easiest to Distract and Least Likely to Pay You Any Mind Even if You Threaten to Put Their Photo on the Internet.



#29. From Hiding From the Kids, aka Most Likely to Meet Santa Behind the Bleachers and Bribe her Friends to Keep Quiet About It.



#6. From Confessions of a Semi-Slacker Mom, aka Most Likely to Win the World's Strongest Man Competition.



#18. From The Mommyologist, aka Most Likely to Drive a Truck, Own a Tractor, or Live in a Trailer with his Mom (which may not be such a bad thing if you're like me and have decided that kids leaving home is the dumbest thing EVER.).



#11 From Blogbaby, aka Biggest Diva, but not in a I-only-drink-boiled-water-delivered-in-the-clean-hands-of-newborn-babies sorta way, more in a I'm-bad-I'm-bad-I'm-bad-I-know-I'm-bad sorta way.



And now that they have all been given something that I was looked over for numerous times in my high school history, I will get to the moment you all have been waiting for...

The Big Announcement!

Who's the Big Winner of the First Annual Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest?

Who will live in infamy (like my girl Supah, reigning soon-to-be-former-heavyweight champion of the blog world in the Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest) and be granted the title of Fuglist Foto Family?

Who will get the awesome prizes; the notoriety; the opportunity to own PBD (for a day at least); the chance to say IN YO FACE WITH A CAN OF MACE, MAKE YOU CRY ALL OVER THE PLACE?!

The one.

The only.

BLOOOOOOOGBAAAAABBBBY!

That's right people.

Blogbaby is my (and my expert panel of judges who shall remain nameless for fear of being retaliated against by the losers and their posses less fortunate entrants)choice.

Please take a moment to sulk like babies congratulate her on her big win!

But, she's not the only one who should be celebrating tonight.

Our second place winner, Chief, should give herself a huge round of applause! She has herself quite a following of afraid for their lives devoted readers who all took the time to vote for her repeatedly.

And, even though her snapshot didn't win THE prize, it did snag her the more appropriate gift of the Big Eye Dummy because she definitely has carved herself out a permaplace here at Casa de Dummies for presenting us all with the most outlandish, asstastic photo EVER.

And, last but not least, let's give it up for Semi-Slacker Mom and her band of Christmas card photo saboteurs. She has been named the second loser runner up in this here contest and should wear her badge of shame with pride!

Thank you to everyone who entered and voted and made this contest tons of fun.

I hope some of you will stick around PBD and see what things are like on a regular basis, but even if you don't, be sure you come back around February 1st to get in on our next photo contest.

It's gonna be big!

HUGE!

And, it won't even require you to make fun of your offspring!

Happy Holidays peeps.

BOOM BABY!

*PBD admits it's free: Please be aware that Dumb Mom worked her tail off by spending countless hours in front of her computer searching for companies to supply the gifts given to the contest winners. Everything (except for the copy of School of Rock since no one would give me Jack Black's celly so I could call him and ask him for a copy) was supplied free of charge. You are welcome and will be expected to can thank me later! XOXO!

Just Give 'Em a Chance

Only 14 hours (give or take) left to secure the fate of your favorite fugly photo in the Merry Effin Christmas Photo Contest Hall of Shame.

It is only from this position that will they have any chance (a 1 in 5 chance really) of being selected as the fugliest photo of all.

Because, while I'd like to consider the opinion of all of you obviously bribed, coerced, and/or threatened, and therefore totally compromised and discredited dedicated readers, the ultimate choice will be mine (insert evil laugh...Mwhahaha) and my skilled panel of judges.

After all, it is my effing contest in the first effing place so I can pick whoever the eff I want to win the effing thing, and if you don't effing like it you can go eff yourself, it's only fair that I get to select since you know, my witty captions, my Photoshop skilldizzles (except for those few overachievers *cough* Supah, who did their own cards), my contest, MY BLOG!

So...hurry up and vote for your faves.

To make it easier, I've ranked them here, as they stand at this very moment, so you can change the course of history (you know, by voting for the underdog), or just let the chips fall as they may (or whatever that saying is).

Looks like there is a pretty heated battle for the fifth spot!

May the force be with you!

1. #29
2. #11
3. #6
4. #1
5. #18
6. #16 and #22 tied with 10 each and only outta the top 5 by 5 votes!)
5. #15
6. #14
7. #27 & #3
8. #19
9. #23 & #28
10. #26
11. #8, 10, 13, 24
12. #2, 9, 20, 21, 25, 5
13. #4, 7, 12, 17

Good luck contestants, and please note, there is already another photo contest in the works so should you get stomped mercilessly not be victorious in this one, you will get another chance!

Boom Baby!

This is #2’s FAVORITE thing to say.

He wakes up in the morning…BOOM BABY!

I serve him his dinner…BOOM BABY!

He gets released from prison time out, that’s right…BOOM BABY!

At first, I found it quite comical.

Then it moved dangerously close to the annoying department (especially when he said it after time out, because it sorta cheapened the whole thing, as though he was wholly unaffected by my attempt to impose my silly little rules upon him).

Now I’m starting to appreciate it for it’s ability to up the awesome on the most mundane, everyday tasks.

Can you even guess how much more amazing flushing the toilet is when there is someone saying BOOM BABY as it happens?

BOOM BABY is quickly turning into our family mantra (or motto like Mama Kat suggested for the week's Writer's Workshop. And, so what if I'm cheating a wee little bit, she'll forgive me because she loves me! Right Mama K? You do love me, don't you? I mean, that's just the impression I got when we spent that night in Vegas together. Wait...What?! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?! I thought you were different. I thought this was special. Like we had something.).

You know, some people say let’s roll, we say BOOM BABY.

So, while the unveiling of the First Annual Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest entries may already be full of more excitement and anticipation than one holiday photo contest can stand, how ‘bout a little more?

Casa de Dummies style!

Here they are.

In random order.

With captions you will love, or hate, or love to hate.

For your voting pleasure (however, you may only do so once per day!).

Merry Effing Christmas.

BOOM BABY!!!

1. From When Did I Become My Mom?

2. From Adrian’s Crazy Life (get the full story on this one, by clicking the link)

3. From My Life…Badly Written (another with a worth-reading back story)

4. From My Life in Words (more this-is-a-true-story action)

5. From Seven Clown Circus (I added the elf b/c without it, the picture was just too dang cute! It was stifling my funny. My original caption was, “I love Angie even if her hair looks kinda wonky.” That’s just not funny. So, in goes creepy little elf dude and out comes a caption I can be proud of! )

6. From Confessions of a Semi-Slacker Mom

7. From She Says the Darndest Things

8. From For What it’s Worth or Not

9. From Honest To Betsy

10. From I’m Just Sayin’ (who I just realized I forgot to say congrats on baby’s birth to when he was born nearly 2 months ago, because I’m an insensitive idiot who reads and responds to comments via email instead of visiting blogs to check up on people like I should. Sorry, don’t hate me! And, when he’s not screaming because he hates his mommy’s idea of a cute suit, he is quite the cutie, so go take a peek!)

11. From Blogbaby. Where naughty is the new black and gifts for Christmas are so 2000 and late.

12. From Life With Kaishon.

13. From 4 Lettre Words. And, no. It’s not a typo.

14. From Peanut Butter in My Hair. Winner of the Least Likely to Ever Get a Good Picture of Her Kids Award.

15. From Supah Mommy. Reining PBD Photo Contest Champ and resident Overachiever. Obviously I didn’t make this card since it looks all pro-fes-sion-Al.

16. From All You Need is Love

17. From Mom Most Traveled

18. From The Mommyologist (who should get extra points for blog name originality, I think.)

19. From The Daily Dribbles. Another overachieving, contest host shower upper who made her own card just to rub my face in her graphic design skilldizzels because she’s awesome like that.

20. From Night Light Stories

21. From Food Don’t Grow on Trees, owner and operator of one of the cutest sets of triplets ever.

22. From The Triplet Crown, owner and operator of the other cutest set of triplets I’ve ever, who is also crazy brave enough to be pregnant with baby #4.

23. From Superdumb Supervillain (another best-blog-title nominee)

24. From Tracy’s Topics

25. From True Confessions of a Single Mother

26. From Hip as I Wanna Be

27. Last but not least, from The (Un)Experienced Mom

28. The real last but not least, but momentarily forgotten in my exhaustion induced haze, from Measuring My Life in L-O-V-E (who gets an extra vote for being added a day late). Thanks for showing your panties!



29) The real, real seriously this time, I'm like 99.9% sure this is the last forgotten entry from Hiding from the Kids, who has every right to boycott this contest, this blog, and me (aka the worst photo contest hosting blog owner EVER) in general. So, in an effort to prevent being hated on by her plethora of readers, I'm gonna give her 2 free votes just because I suck. Please don't hate me, because then I'll have to blog about it, and I'm WAY too tired to blog right now!



*Official Rules: One vote per person per day. No anonymous voters accepted. Voting will close at 6pm on 12/18/09. Winner and runners-up will be announced 12/19/09.

RanDumb-Holiday Edition, Vol. 2

Welcome to another installment of RanDumb.

A weekly event during which Dumb Mom takes a few moments to focus on people, things, or events that are 1)dumber than her and 2)not related to anything, anyone, anywhere really cares about.

Please take a moment to also visit my Blogland buddy Mrs. 444 whose random Friday Fragments posts are a weekly inspiration for this event.

So let's jump right into this week's holiday edition of RanDumb by introducing you to some creepy holiday cats.

If you didn't hate cats before, you certainly will after you watch this video.

I mean, really, who has that kind of time on their hands?

It actually gave me chills listening to the cats "sing" or whatever that was.

And the dogs? Why the dogs? Are there even people on this planet that enjoy, like actually really delight in, the sound of a barking dog?

If so then you'd love to live in my neighborhood when, at 5am every effing morning, the dogs down the street are dragged, I mean walked, past my house yapping incessantly at nothing, everything, each other.

Similarly to the creepy, caroling cats, the sound makes me ill. Particularly come Sunday morning when sleeping past 5am should be a given.

I love a cute puppy as much as the next girl, but damn it all if I don't want to drag them down to the lake at the end of my street and toss them as far as my jiggly-rarely-used-for-anything-more-physical-than-drinking-coffee arm can toss.

Of course then I'd feel all bad and have to wade out to get the little buggers and then really be ticked when I get some sort of goose urine bacterial disease from the whole ordeal.

Anyway.

Speaking of creepy holidays, have you decided what to get your man for the big day?

Hows about some Prolixus?

What? You mean you're not familiar with this revolutionary product for male sexual enhancement?

Well, before I heard about it on the radio while minding my own business in my car the other day, I was wholly unaware that there was a product that could make him WIDER and THICKER!

Okay, seriously.

Do people really buy this stuff?

I know that the brainwashing, subliminal message filled commercial they put on the radio is hard to resist.

The woman SHOUTING "WIDER" AND "THICKER" OVER AND OVER AGAIN IS DIFFICULT TO IGNORE (and people are ticked that Britney says If You Seek Amy, yet WIDER and THICKER is somehow okay?!).

The facts, based on their RADIO COMMERCIAL and website, are these:

1) The "amazing new formulation" was discovered by "three former medical university students" (the fact that they are not doctors, but were maybe gonna be one day, should definitely prove this product is safe and effective).

2) Men like it when you describe their man parts as "meaty" because size is the "number one concern for every man" (which is great to hear since I was under the erroneous impression that financial stability, being good fathers, and keeping the family safe were top concerns with Hubby; now I know it's really all about being "meaty").

3) Prolixus is "the first and only thickn, wide, large enhancer" product using it's particular formula, on the market right now (and, the fact that they couldn't spell/grammar check their website before publishing it should not frighten you at all).

See. Now, aren't you convinced that this product is exactly what you should be spending at least $76.99 on for your man this holiday season?

Never mind that the ingredients are not listed, that their claims are not substantiated, and that the FDA has not approved it (meaning that his pistola could get WIDER and THICKER, or it could simply spontaneously detach itself from his person after coming into contact with this stuff. Just sayin'.).

I know, I know, the lady on the radio shouted something about a money back guarantee, which is basically the same thing as promising the stuff is gonna work, right?

I mean, it has to work; it was made by "former medical university students", remember?

Prolixus not at the top of your gift giving list this holiday (good for you)?

Well, there are tons of things that should be, all of which you could win if you are smart enough to enter your fugliest holiday cards, similar to this junk featured below (which for the record was Santa's idea, not mine!), in my contest by midnight tonight.

And, I mean midnight, because if you turn your photo in at 12:02am on 12/12/09 I am so gonna feature you on next week's RanDumb.

And, that is not a threat.

It is a promise.


P.S. How lucky are you guys that I can't enter this contest myself, and win? I've seen the entries, and some of them are good. As in really good. But none of them top this one of me sitting on Santa's lap while outweighing him by a solid 14lbs. I could feel his 70 year old knee quivering under my butt the entire time, and it wasn't from pleasure, let me just tell you.

Wordful (Dumb is for Winners) Wednesday

Of my contests anyway!

Because photos like this…

Can lead to big things…BIG things!

You already know what the Grand Prize Most Effed Up Christmas Picture Ever is gonna win.

But. Did you know that should you be the second winner (aka first loser) in my Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest you are gonna win your very own Dummy.

A Big Eye Dummy that is!

That’s right, you will be the proud owner of Dumb Mom’s officially unofficial signature mascot item thingy (but, yours will be a cow, not a giraffe, so don’t get too attaached!).

We were given* this hideous gorgeous little freak by plushbucket.com and since we adored him so much, we decided it would only be fair to share one with you as well.

He’s like Mr. Potato Head meets Ugly Doll which means he’s tons of interchangeable fun to cuddle with!

But, wait, there’s more…

Be the third winner (aka the second loser) and you too will receive a gift (I’m I sounding infomercially enough for ya?).

A Crayola Telescoping Crayon Tower like this one…

And, that’s right, AND, two personalized coloring books from Frecklebox.com, that you can order with your own child’s name, on them! And, they have a TON of different themes so you don’t have to just get a Christmas one. You can get princesses, or vehicles, or monsters (but, don’t worry, he’s friendly).

Which means that your budding arteest will be able to easily access (and put away) his or her own crayons and color in a coloring book with his or her own name on the front!

Hooray for a little creativity and independence!

Which means, when the voting opens, you better get those votes in here because you have the chance to win some seriously cool crap!

Plus, all of you (winner and two losers) will be invited (if you so desire) to be Dumb Mom ifriends and will have your very own Monday to commandeer my spot.

And, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, being an ifriend is good. It’s more than good, it’s Fan-freakin’-tastic!

So don’t forget to ENTER all of your cruddy holiday photo attempts. Because if you are like Adrian from, Adrian’s Crazy Life, then you may have a good shot at winning this thing!**

**PBD Admits it's Free Disclaimer: All of the items being offered to you as prizes were given to parenting BY dummies free of cost for the specific purpose of awarding them to you lucky ducky winners. Please believe that all of the products endorsed on PBD are considered pleasurable and safe. We don’t want you to hate us and we’d never knowingly support something that could kill you. Please note however, that if any of the items go the way of the Maclaren, we are not liable and we have no intention of replacing your fingers should they be unceremoniously removed form your person. If you have questions or concerns about the products included in this post talk to plushbucket.com, frecklebox.com, or Crayola.com (we specifically received this item through myblogspark.com, just so you know).

**In case you missed it…Adrian’s son (black shirt on left) is giving the photographer (aka his dad) the bird. But, according to Adrian, he meant in the nicest way possible!