RanDumb: ROFL!

Decided that since I’m not feeling particularly inspired or creative today I’d share some stuff from other people that I found humorous and RanDumb this week.

Hopefully you too will find yourself ROFL, but I can pretty much guaran-freakin’-tee that these are 100% funnier than anything I coulda come up with.

Just one of those day, ya know?

But, before I introduce you to these, can I just tell you that I think I need an intervention.

Not for blogging, silly.

No, not for food.

OMG, not THAT either.

It’s just that I’m addicted to lists.

Have you not noticed?

I number everything: Ways to have successful birthday parties for preschoolers. How to know if you’re a Dumb Mom Blogger. How to survive the emergency room when your doctor is a d-bag with a toddler.

All numbered.

Oh well, guess it just works for me.

And, like some smart people who know smart people stuff always say, “Why fix what ain’t broken?”, or something like that.

On that note please enjoy: RanDumb: The ROFL Edition featuring people who are so much funnier than me it’s like almost not even funny.

1. Tosh.0. Despite the fact that Tosh is sometimes sexist, often racist, possibly homophobic, and always inappropriate, Tosh.0 is one of my all time favorite shows ever. If I need to laugh I just put on one of the 75 episodes of it that Dumb Dad has saved on the DVR. The fact that Dancing with The Stars didn’t record because the stupid things are hogging up all the free space ticks me off pretty bad and makes me wish explosive diarrhea on him. But, I have to admit that when I encounter gems like this, I come pretty close to forgiving him.

Tosh.0
Video Breakdown - Suicidal Door Diving
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

2. LOL Cats. I don’t usually find cats humorous. Some times they’re creepy. Some times they’re gross. And, some times they’re borderline cute in that so-ugly-it’s-cute-way only cats and premature babies can pull off. But, funny, not so much. Except, this one time, when this really annoying girl from school came over and she picked up my cat, and it jabbed one of it’s evil, poison dipped claws into her chest. And she was all upset and like red over it. That was funny. And so is this…

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

3. But dogs. Dogs are like chimps, pretty much always funny.

4. See…

And you can save the comparisons to my kids. I already know.

5. The People of Wal-Mart. I’m starting to think that they are really more sad than they are funny, but still. I laugh. Just because sometimes laughing at inappropriate things is fun. And we all do it. Anyone who laughed at this scene in The Hangover can consider themselves guilty of that little pleasure. Anyway, back to Wal-Mart, be careful with the video if you’re at work or in front of your kids who you’d like to NOT grow up to be potty mouths, THERE ARE NAUGHTY WORDS LIKE F#CK AND SH$T AND BIOTCH in here. But, if you’re not bothered by cursing when necessary comical (and if you watched The Hangover I’m assuming you’re not) it’s funny and true and sad and scary and the exact reason why I don’t go to Wal-Mart's in towns that have a total population of less than like 50,000 people. Safety first.

Now. Run along and have a pleasant weekend, but not before you leave me a comment enter my HANDMADE CLUTCH GIVEAWAY that ends tonight.

And, as an added bonus if you tweet a link to this post (not the giveaway one, THIS one) I’ll hook you up with a free entry, just cuz I’m freakin’ rad like that.

RanDumb: Replay Edition

There are some things I can’t ignore.

Can’t turn my back on, look the other way, turn the other cheek.

There are episodes and events, things said or insinuated, that I can’t overlook.

Can’t forget.

Or pretend didn’t happen.

Can’t act like I didn’t hear, or pretend that it didn’t matter.

Lines drawn in the sand that are begging to be crossed.

One of those things, the most important of those things, is a challenge.

And, not just any sort of challenge.

I can pass up a battle of the brains, a cooking challenge, a bake off, a foot race.

Those things are meaningless; child’s play if you will.

But one thing I can’t pass up is…

A DANCE OFF!

Oh yeah.

I said it.

I’m a sucker for a dance off.

Not just because I find them awesome, but also because, I friggin’ rock those things.

I can dance circles around most humans.

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.

I am THE TRUTH on the dance floor.

There’s fact, and then there’s fiction.

This, friends, is a fact.

Check it…

Go ahead. Replay it.

Now, you may be wondering what’s with the kimono, and all I can say is that I like it, that’s what.

And, that when I’m kickin’ it at The Casa, I’m pretty much always kickin’ it in a kimono.

And it’s silk.

And it’s straight outta Japan (thanks Mimi and Papa!).

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.

And, yes, if you are participating in the Supah Mommy & Shell Dance Your Bloggy Off Contest this week, that was a 10,000!

Because I’m a pro at being awesome.

I literally excel at just that.

I’m like the captain of awesome in the Tri-State area. Not sure which three states that includes (just pick some, I’ve got ‘em covered), but yeah, that’s me El Capitan, I mean La Capitan.

I’m not bragging, I’m just sayin’.*

Now go over and vote for me so I don’t have to show up to your house with my boom box and my kimono and do the Cabbage Patch on your a$$!

Now that we’ve gotten that outta the way, how about a little Blab Fest?!

Let’s talk The View, because the fact that Jessie Ventura was on there this week promoting a book is pretty freakin’ RanDumb if I do say so myself.

I mean, I’m usually all for anyone who would refer to themselves as “The Body”, but seriously with the conspiracy theories?

I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m just saying I don’t care. With the laundry piling up around here and the upper respiratory infections jumping around like it’s the House of Pain, I don’t have time to think about super-secret government super weapons and Aztec-inspired apocalyptic prophecies.

I don’t waste my time researching junk like that.

I Google important crap like: how to get gum out of your hair and what does yellow snot mean.

Seriously.

What did my girl Keri have to say about “The Body”?

“Umm, this dude seems a little strange to me. First of all, if you're trying to convince the American people that there's a conspiracy going on in Washington, don't come on a show with your hair looking the way it did. Seriously. On another note, I do hear what he's saying. I've heard my share of conspiracy theories especially with a hubby in the military. At the end of the day, no matter what we do, people will always be fishy. So who cares! I just gotta live my life and not pay attention to things that'll take away from my happiness. It takes too much durn work.”

That’s right, Kerri, people are fishy. We like to call them shady around here, but same same.

Overall, I’m a huge believer in America.

I feel lucky to have been born in a country in which most citizens have regular stuff, like water to drink that doesn’t also serve as the cow bath, and no polio. Did you know that some countries still have wild polio running around?! Not. Cool.

So, yeah, America, conspiracy theorists and all, is a-okay in my book.

But there are a few people/things I could 100% live without, like…

…people who drive under the speed limit on the freeway.

…people who take all the crabs at the buffet table (this one’s for you Bruncle!).

…people who take off their shoes at the restaurant and then walk up to the buffet table bare foot (also for Bruncle. Anyone wanna guess where he lives?!).

…people who lie about stuff I don’t care about, like Rozlyn, if you hooked up with that producer just admit it already, nobody even cares!

…celebrities** who ignore my Tweets. Except for Justin Timberlake. He can ignore me forever and I’ll still love him.

…that mom at gymnastics class who used to be a gymnast and who always has to call stuff by it’s Bela Lugosi given name. It’s not a freakin’ pike, it a toe touch. Calm down Mary Lou, they are TWO YEAR OLDS!

…parents who ridicule their kids on the field. I mean, we can all see your kid is slow, no need to point it out by screaming at him. Break his spirit in private so we don’t have to watch. It’s uncomfortable.

…people who are stuck up, but don’t really have a good reason to be.

…Jessica Biel, for obvious reasons.

…the dbag who lets his dog crap in my side yard. I mean it’s still my yard, it’s just my side yard.

…whoever campaigned to get all of these stop signs put into our neighborhood. It now takes me like 15 minutes to get outta this place when it used to only take 3. I know, you say it’s for safety, but seriously, if you tell your kids not to walk super slow so that I want to run them down in the MIDDLE OF THE STREET that would probably help.

…people who don’t leash their wildly-misbehaved-frothy-mouthed dogs and then when the muddy pawed behemoth runs up to my baby at the park and scares the deuce outta him yell that, “He’s friendly, he won’t hurt you!” Maybe not, but now that my child has messed himself I’m considering hurting you and your stupid head mutt.

…tons of others as I’m turning into a crotchety old broad and I’m only like 30 (or something like pretty much the same thing as 30).

…people who slaughter the National Anthem. Actually, no one should have to live without people like that. And now you don’t have to!

Enjoy:)

P.S. Head over to Mrs. 4444's place and get in on the Friday Fragment Fun!

P.S.S. I forgot to add my The View Disclaimer last week and possibly some other times before that. Dunno. Not sure. Anyway, they think it's important to let you know that they are gonna send me a tote bag or a coffee cup or 1 million dollars because I agreed to share what I love or hate or love to hate about the show. Sure tricked them, eh?! I do that for nada every day of the week baby! So, in case you're keeping score, that's 1 for Dumb Mom, 0 for the other guys.

*For reals, what I excel at is trash talking. I should give a workshop on that, because I don’t believe any of what I say, but I sound like I do, and that’s what matters!

**this would included bloggers who think they might almost be pretty much celebrities

RanDumb: Retail Edition

But not the kind of relaxing-indulgent-more-fun-than-a-barrell-of-monkeys-retail-therapy you are probably thinking of.

I’m going to talk a bit about the online sort.

Actually, the online local marketplace sort.

For stuff that sucks.

That’s right people, I’m talking about Craigslist.

I’m quickly becoming convinced that the only thing left to find on Craigslist is crap.

The kind of crap that will get you killed, abducted, turned into a sex slave, or robbed of your prized possessions.

Or, it could just get you shot in the throat.

But, I have found it to be useful in the past which is why I continue to frequent the site despite the possibility that I could wind up in a bathtub filled with ice and my kidney missing (joke would be on them right?!)!

Anyway, from time to time, particularly when I’m exploring a new realm in photography, I will post ads on Craigslist advertising what I’m selling, or giving away as the case may be.

For example.

I’m starting my foray into boudoir photography and I was thinking about putting an ad on Craigslist offering people inexpensive photos of this nature in exchange for them not complaining about them if they kinda suck.

I sorta decided against it because I figured, if I place an ad for photos of this nature on the MySpace-of-the-Internet-ad-world, I’m probably gonna get some interested parties.

And, when I arrive at the home to photograph the interested party there is a distinct possibility that I will either a) find myself face to face with some hairy chested, heavy set dude in a negligee and heels or b) be abducted.

Now, let me be clear, I’ve got nothing against trannies.

Seriously, I LOVE Lady Gaga.

So, it’s not that I won’t photographer a dude in sexy poses with his hairy balls parts exposed, but a gig like that will need to fetch me top dollar as it does absolutely nothing for my portfolio and is kinda creepy to boot.

As far as being abducted, I’m gonna go ahead and pass.

So, I’m scratching the whole Craigslist deal.

But, in an effort to be a good citizen, I’ve decided to introduce you to some of the more special items I’ve found for sale on Craigslist.

If you are in the market for such things, do me a favor right now, stop reading my blog because you are a freakin’ nut job wasting your valuable time with the likes of me weirdo.

If you are the seller of such things, please consider this free advertisement.

So here goes…

RanDumb Stuff to Get offa Craigslist That You Don’t Want Can’t Get Elsewhere*

Anyone in the market for a VOODOO SPELL? (Anyone know people who actually still even “practice” voodoo?)

If so, Jennifer can help!

have 24 years experience in the Ancient Arts of Spell Casting,
since the age of 13 and i enjoy helping and talking to people i will
guide you through your difficult time in life. i can help united
lovers who had been separated for long periods of time. I was born
god gifted with my talents and abilities to help people
i specializes in love matters re-unite lovers
marriage,
new relationships, business, career,
health.and more
, i have helped many pepople with my
voodoo and spell casting i help pepople to
patch up those problems they are
currently having ,
love spell
money spell
weight loss spll
beauty spell
curse removal
protection spell
marriage commitment
spell
restores happiness
&
quality of life spell
return lover spell
attraction spell
luck spell
stop jealousy spell
ends cheating & lies spell
stop interfering enemies spell
career success spell
you can e-mail me at EMAIL AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST

Seriously, she can stop jealousy (do you really need a spell for that)? Weight loss? Curse removal (how did you get cursed in the first place?!)?

Looks like a pretty all inclusive deal, even if she can’t spell (as in put the letters together correctly to make a word, not use magic and sorcery to get what you want) the word pepople.

Here’s another…

Having dating issues?

Consider a date specialist.

This guy is like a low budget version of Hitch, or at least that’s what he wants you to believe.

need help getting a date,or to just impress that girl you've been pitifully starring at for the last few weeks in your scooby doo pajamas wondering if you got a chance... the answere is yes you do. thats were i come in. I can help anyone find or get anyone you want with a little help i do ask for a contribution. as a brother of 6 girls i know girls much better than the average joe. no i am not gay but i do understand women just let me help anytime any way i can i promise no i garuntee youll find her in as little as a week this posting is for poeple who want to find that special one

I mean, wow! I’m totally convinced!

Any guy with six sisters, who isn’t gay, should be a huge hit with the ladies, right?

And, the fact that he can’t spell and apparently has a keyboard with a broken shift key preventing him from using punctuation and capital letters should not discourage you from contacting him to help you with your girl-catching-capabilities.

Besides, if he’s to be believed you’ve got nothing to lose but your Scooby Doo jammies!

Now, how do you feel about a psychic reading by someone who is able to help in all matters of the spiritual world…

Free Psychic Readings by Jaclyn Love Speicalist.
She can help in all matters of spirtual life.
She can tell you who your true love is and if the one your with is a false soulmate or unfaithful.
She has repaired marriages and reunited old flames.
She has been god-gifted with her talent at a young age she realized that love is a importent part of life so she desided to place all her time and energy on particing all the psychic treatments.
Inclueing Aura/Chakra Cleansings.
She can help in all matters of the spirtual world
She can answer any of your questions about your furture or past.
She has declared herself into making the strongest connenction with her clients giving them the best Psychic Experience possible all by your name and date of birth.
For more Info about Jaclyn and what she does go to... Www.PsychicTreatment.Com

I’m a bit confused by a few things on this one.

1. Is her name Jaclyn Love Specialis or is her name Jaclyn and she is a love specialist? Not sure.

2. What exactly are the psychic treatments she is particing? Practicing? And, do they hurt?

3. I’m supposed to be happy that she “has declared herself into making the strongest connenction” right? Because that was a little confusing and I’m curious about what this inclues.

I think all of these people would make great special guests on The View and when I FINALLY get my personal invitation I plan to make it a point to spice things up over there with appearances by some of society’s most colorful members!

In the meantime, I’m doing my The View Blabfest over at Kerry’s this week so check her out and get in on the Robert Pattinson action!

And, as per usual, checkout Mrs. 4444's weekly randomness and link yours as well. I always do and I'm pretty sure she loves me for it:)

*Please note, these ads were taken directly from Craigslist and are unedited to correct imperfections. If they appear confusing, poorly written, or scary to you, that is simply because they are.

RanDumb (re)View

Oh I just love looking back over the week and sharing all of the ranDumbness* with you guys.

And, this was a busy week.

So let’s jump right in!

This guy brought the mullet back on American Idol…

#3 is gonna be so happy to hear that he’s not the only one rockin’ a mullet like he means it.

Sadly since the AI Afro wearing rep (aka Tyler Grady) was voted off last night, #2 has little hope of getting his style brought back to trendy.

In Bachelor news, Rozlyn cheating-hussy-extraordinaire made an appearance on the famed Women Tell All episode to look like a complete douche-bag-liar-pants clear her name.

She denied everything, saying that she absolutely did not have an inappropriate relationship with a show producer. And, the fact that they are still seeing each other is really no evidence that she did.

Yeahright.

Not sure why she doesn’t just admit they hooked up because Jake is gay just not her type. I think we’d all understand it and based on her personality we wouldn’t even find it all that surprising.

Honestly, I don’t even care. My opinion is that at least 68% of Bachelor hopefuls are fame seeking tramps. Sometimes they make it pretty far on the show…

Sometimes they don’t.

But really, who even cares? Point is that we have generally low expectations for the moral character of the Bachelor contestants. We expect you to be trashy, conniving, and strategic. That’s why we watch. If all of you were rainbow-pooping-Disney-wannabes like Tenley the show would be pretty boring.

So, be my guest, ho it up Roz, just be honest about it.

Whores I’m fine with.

Liars?

Not so much.

Anyway.

Let’s talk about The View.

I warned you last week that this was gonna be happening and if you didn’t heed those warnings and watch this week so that we could have a meaningful discussion that’s your bad.**

Just shut it and listen.

I’m 100% okay with that, especially because my girl Kerri is here this week to weigh in on the two most controversial guests of the week.

The Octomom and The Situation.

Well, The Situation was accompanied by the entire cast of The Jersey Shore, but personally, I think some of the other characters are, as Simon Cowel likes to say, forgettable.

Not Snooki, of course, but some of the others.

But.

Let me just to remind you how this Blab Fest works, Kerri or I come up with the questions to ask to each other and then we both share our thoughts. You are welcome to get involved if you want (and by get involved I mean LEAVE COMMENTS!).

Let’s start with the baby making monster.

1. Nadya Suleman. Delusional and in denial? She said it, so what do you think?

Dumb Mom: Uh, yeah. Delusional, in denial, and stone cold crazy in a I’m-sorta-doing-this-on-purpose-to-make-people-watch-my-train-wreck-of-a-life-so-I-can-get-PAID way. I can’t even begin to go into detail about what she does/did or what her points were on the show because honestly I can’t get over her attire.

If she is gonna keep up these appearances (although haven’t we all had enough already? This is the longest 15 minutes ever!) she should drop one of her 3 nannies and hire a stylist.

Cause, she looked ridiculous.

I know she’s all proud of her body (bold faced lying when she said she wasn’t trying to get back into a bikini) because it has turned into her money maker, literally. But really, ew?

That’s the best you could do for Whoopi, and Joy, and Sherry, and the other chick?

With black tights no less?!

Shame! Shame!

Shame on you Quattuordecimom (I know Octomom sounds better, but this whole situation is compounded by the six kids she already had so we can’t leave them out) for insulting us by saying you weren’t even trying to get bikini-body and for assaulting us with that hideous dress.

Seriously, disappear already, kay?!

And, in the name of all that is holy, don’t have any more kids!

Kerri: Nadya Suleman- IS COO COO for COCO Puffs!!! This lady needs a psych evaluation PRONTO!!! I hope she’s not being left alone with her children for long periods of time because she looks like one of those moms who’d snap on their kids. And her laugh OMFG – STOP IT PLEASE!!! This interview was extremely entertaining, I mean I laughed the whole dang time she was on the screen but I rolled my eyes SOO many times at her ridiculous claims. She needs to quit lying and saying she didn’t get surgery for her current body. GUUURRRRLLL!!! U a lie cause there’s NO way your skin stretched SOOO much with those 8 babies and you have NO left over skin after giving birth. Please!!! GTFOH! Bottom line, girl, get some mental help cause you’re just sick in the head.

And, for the reality superstars of the moment.

2. Jersey Shore. Love it or hate it?

Dumb Mom: Gotta be honest when I say that I don’t actually watch the show (I know, surprise, there are some raunchy MTV programs I don’t watch), but I have seen it. And I woulda watched it but I kept forgetting to.

Anyway, point is, I don’t see what’s so wrong about it.

I know Joy was all peeved because they aren’t really Italian (which should make her happy actually because do you really want to have to claim them?).

And, I know Whoopi’s beef was that they should be more responsible with their cash or whatever because their 15 minutes will be up soon (which if Octodork is any indication, that’s not entirely true).

But honestly, again, who even cares?

They are smutty acting people filling a spot in entertainment. I don’t care if they grow up to be smart or have good jobs or any of that crap. Call me a selfish loser, but I just don’t care what they do after the show because I’m in it for the joy of watching other people suck.

And yes, watching other people suck is sorta one of my hobbies.

So shoot me. Or punch me in the face next time you see me at the bar.

Whatever.

All I want is a fancy name and then The Jersey Shore people can disappear forever. Or not.

Because if The View chicks get to have them (Whoopi-"The Administration.” Joy-"The Assumption.” Elisabeth-“The Attraction.” Sherri-"The Duplication.”) then I want one too.

They can call me “The Addiction”, because people just can’t get enough of me (insert maniacal Nadya Suleman laugh)!

Point is I don’t love them personally, but I do love that they exist for my trash-TV-viewing pleasure!

Kerry: Honestly these people make me lose brain cells whenever I watch them or hear them speak but for some reason, I CANNOT avoid the train wreck I see coming. I personally think “The Situation” and Snooki are hilarious. Whatever world they’re living in, I wanna be a citizen because their ideals on life is SOOOO twisted. I loved the names “The Situation” gave to the ladies though. Was it me or did Snooki shake her head NO when Joy asked if they were all using condoms? Ahhhh Snooki, Snooki, Snooki – Umm, the camera should’ve zoomed in on her cause that’s just NASTY. If she did indeed say no, that’s a dumb move. Girl, lie dang it, don’t make yourself look worse than you’re already acting.

See all of the crazy excitement you missed this week on The View?

Seriously, watch it.

And, I know you probably don’t have time to watch it in the middle of the day when you are focusing on whether or not your potty training Baby P.I.M.P is droppin’ it like it’s hot in the corner of your living room other stuff, but you can TiVo it, or if you are the last person on the planet to not have TiVo, you could watch it online. Obviously you have Internet access.

So join us for more trash talkin’ fun on next week’s Blab Fest.

*Also joining Mrs. 4444s @ Half Past Kissin' Time for another week of Friday Fragments!

**Forgot to mention last week that I’m getting some free tote bag that I probably won’t even carry for sharing my intellectual insights on The View. Please note that a free bag is not enough to coerce me into saying sweet things about them so when I get fed up with their arguing, or when Elizabeth pisses me off, I’ll tell you. Provided I didn’t fast forward over that part. Now, if they wanted to have me on the show I might be more inclined to beef up my posts with pleasantries, you know ‘cause I only talk crap about people behind their backs and have no intentions of going to blows with Sherry on the air (or off the air for that matter). Unless there was cash involved and then, put your damn dukes up Sherry! I’m a huge fan of using bribery to get what you want.

Wanna share your The View posts for the week? Link away...

RanDumb: Ruh-roh Edition

Everything at Casa de Dummies is all topsy turvy at the moment.

School remained canceled for most of the week (#1 finally returned for a half day yesterday, and #2’s first day back is today).

Which means that my children have been in my presence, without much outside peer type interaction, since February 5th.

I think it’s safe to say at this point that school is no longer a necessity.

It’s like summer break (minus the glorious sunshine and warm temperatures) over here.

Summer break which I look forward to with dread every year.

Because it’s exhausting.

Trying to find activities for The Dudes, trying to prepare for the transition to everyone being home, getting my mind right for the impending crap storm of crazy.

And I never overestimate the intensity of the switch; it’s pretty much always just as challenging for them to adjust to the new schedule as I imagined it would be.

But, the good thing about it is that it really only lasts about 10 days.

10 days of pure, unadulterated-sibling-rivalry Hell.

And then…

Awwwwwwe-someness.

A few blips, a random bludgeoning disagreement over a new toy or something petty, from time to time.

But, for the most part, after the first ten days has passed, we’ve all adjusted to our new normal and we can’t even begin to imagine a different life.

A school filled life.

We start to wish that summer post-SNOWpacalypse break could go on forever.

Well. That’s where we are now.

In the period of awesomeness.

No after school activates to rush to. No dinner in the backseat of the car. No butt-crack-o-dawn Saturday morning practices. No seriously-buddy-put-your-shoes-on-did-you-brush-your-teeth?-RUN!-the-bus-is-there-hustle-‘cause-I’m-SO-not-driving-you morning scramble. No lunch/homework/juice-boxes-for-the-class-party to forget.

Just maxin' and relaxin’ (forgive me, but it still is officially 90s week!).

Everybody relatively happy, mostly getting along.

Like this…

So, as the kids are called back to school and chaos temporarily ensues let’s discuss (and by discuss I mean I talk, you listen) some RanDumb things that are making me say Ruh-roh, Scooby-Doo style, this week.

1. Ruh-roh! Today is the last day of the Fugly Face Photo Contest and it’s shaping up to be a race to the fugly finish! Better get your votes in while you still can.

2. Ruh-roh! This week I have to get all dolled up for a fancy launch party (a little shin-dig I’m attending courtesy of Weddzilla since, in case you didn’t already know, I’m a somewhat reluctant but sorta awesome* wedding photographer in my real life). I’m all nervous because I NEVER get dressed up. Ever. Seriously. The last time I even shaved my legs was in October for SITScation and I only did that ‘cause I didn’t want Mama Kat, or Angie, or Tiff and Heather to try to make out with me spot my hairy dude legs and ostracize me from the blogging world for life. I pretty much only shave between the months of April and September, so this is HUGE! Even huger (is that a word?) is the fact that the dress is short and…STRAPLESS! So not my normal get up. It will be the very first time in my 30-something years of life that I will be donning a strapless dress. I’ll consider posting a picture after the fact, but the jury is still out on that one. Depends on how much Photoshopping I can do things come together.

3. Ruh-roh! I’ve got myself another new gig. Not really a gig as in geez-another-thing-I-have-to-do-that-I’m-gonna-wait-until-the-last-possible-second-to-complete-because-I’m-wasting-time-watching-Teen-Mom-reruns-The-Bachelor-instead gig. It’s more a gig-I-actually-like-but-am-afraid-will-take-over-my-life-if-I-let-it type gig. So what is it?

Thanks for asking!

Yep, a The View brand ambassador.**

Can I get a WOOT?! Kidding. Seriously. Kidding about the woot business (you all should know by now how I loathe the use of the word woot), but I’d probably be okay with an Arsenio-Hall-bark-and-arm-wave (90s, remember?!) if you’d like to mark my participation with a celebratory gesture of some sort!

I’m guessing that a number of new visitors will be making their way to Casa de Dummies this week thanks to my participation in this little campaign and the easiest way for you potential stalkers newbies to get to know me is for me to share with you which The View host I’m most like.

I know, you’re probably thinking, Whoppie, or maybe Terry (because they are funny too?), but you know what, you’re wrong.

I’m most like Joy Behar.

The middle aged, Italian red head with the bumpy tummy?!

Yeah, that’s me.

We have TONS in common.

For example, she is “among today's leading comic talents”. Me too.

She is “a comedic original”. Check. So. Am. I.

Joy (I think I can call her that) started out as a teacher. As did I.

She then began a professional career in comedy. My comedy career is well developed as well being that I perform nightly for a noisy, rambunctious, overly packed house.

I know I’m not getting much critical acclaim at the moment, but I’d like to argue that this is mostly because The Dudes and Dumb Dad just don’t have good senses of humor. They really just don’t know what’s funny. I need to take this show on the road I think. I mean, anyone can win a MAC Award, right?

I’m just waiting for my big break, you know.

I think what it is is that I’m sorta like the Megan Fox of comedy.

She’s “too beautiful” to get certain roles. And, I’m too funny to get my own radio show (like Joy did), my own cable series (like Joy had), or my own talk show (like Joy shares with those other 4 chicks).

I need a break.

That’s all.

Like, if they brought me on the show, and let me host one day, I’d wear my strapless number, they’d fall in love, I could take Barbara’s spot since she’s probably scheduled to retire soon at least be like a recurring guest host.

It’s as ranDumb as it is likely, but I’m telling you it could work.

I have it all worked out.

I could be like The View version of Tosh.0.

Just introduce a ranDumb funny video and then commentate on it, like this…

Honestly that made me laugh so hard I can’t even bother to commentate (this isn’t boding well for my future on The View, is it?).

Guess what Dumb Dad’s getting for Father’s Day (please say you guessed a buttered floor)!

Anyway, off to pick out a pair of earrings to wear with my strapless dress for my big debut on The View (because it is SO gonna happen by invite, by contest winning, or by crashing into the studio and streaking across stage with my black-version-of-Joy-Behar-body a flappin’)!

Or. I could beg.

Please believe me when I say that I am SO not above begging (or graveling, or being your gopher, or licking your toes, okay licking toes is a bit much for my sensitive stomach and unreasonable aversion to feet, but I’ll totally get you coffee and doughnuts and stuff).

Please don’t make me into that begging chick from this week’s American Idol.

I’m begging you.

Or. I could blackmail you.

Don’t test me, Whoopi. I have a history.

Have a The View host that you are most like?

Want to listen to me ramble talk more about The View?

Then you should head over to It’s Kerry’s World where we are having a huge The View Blab Fest today.

And, you should also go check out The View site so you can catch up on what’s happening on the show, otherwise next Friday will be a whole lotta me talking and you listening again (which I’m totally fine with, by the way) and as much as I enjoy talking to myself it would be even more fun to have you join me.

RanDumb: Record-breaking Edition

When you’re stuck in the house for the better part of a week due to the wrath of an historical snow storm it comes in handy to have a unhealthy relationship with technology.

Because then you have the Internet to take your mind off of the fact that you have a splitting, record breaking headache to go along with being trapped inside for a record number of days with three noisy boys and one snow shoveling obsessed husband thanks to the record-breaking snowfall of the century.

You’ll have to forgive me if I’ve been less than my sunny, cheerful self.

I’m having a record-breaking week. And it’s exhausting (and messy, and cold, and wet, and annoying).

But, it’s good to know that I’m not the only person who is starting to show signs of an impending psychological event*…

I’m thinking that Mr. Kosek’s pre-record-breaking-snownomenon personality was a little bit sketchy, but still, good example of what happens When Mother Nature Attacks (could totally be one of those Fox shows).

In an effort to get my snowsessed mind on something else though, I also spent countless hours this week watching TV, something I used to do on a semiprofessional basis (watching TV for hours per week was definitely one of my most important pre-#3 hobbies).

Sadly**, pretty much everyone on American Idol can sing at this point so I don’t have any funny so-you-think-you-can-sing-leave-it-to-Simon-to-tell-you-you-can’t videos to share with you this week.

But.

Thanks to the Idol hopefuls and their inability to pick a song that won’t make them look like a bunch of blubbering idiots, you can laugh along while they mumble sing Gwen Stephanie’s Escape…

The funniest thing about this whole deal is that each of them actually thought they’d be able to sing this without screwing it up.

Why?

Why would you assume that a song most of us have trouble with in the privacy of our own bathrooms would be the perfect showcase of your singing abilities in the most important (and stressful, and nerve wrecking, and publicized) audition of your life?

Because they who began as are over confident fools have grown egos that have been grossly inflated by being selected to participate in the most influential singing show of all time, you say?

Perhaps.

The most surprising thing is that so many of them lead the same delusion-filled life (like 3 groups picked the same impossible song).

I’m not privy to any obscure Idol statistics or anything, but I’d venture to say this song is up there close to breaking the record for song-most-likely-to-be-picked-that-you-have-little-chance-of-being-able-to-sing-correctly.***

Probably somewhere right behind The Star Spangled Banner, ‘cause for whatever reason, people just can’t seem to EVER get the words to that song right either.

Tip to all of the RanDumb American Idol hopefuls of the future: pick a song a toddler can sing.

Like Halo (don’t watch unless you agree to ignore any elements of my voice you may hear in the background of the video, it’s about the 2 year old baby-boy-Beyonce, not me)…

Please forgive the poor recording, he freaks out if he detects that he is actually being filmed so I have to get all Candid Camera on him.

And finally, from a show I enjoyed watching over the unsolicited, unappreciated, totally uncalled for “break”, a man who has something to share with fathers/husbands everywhere that could help save them from making a RanDumb mistake that could quickly and easily lead to their death…

Jim Breur’s Comedy Central Special in which he speaks on Why Mother’s Need Their Sleep.

Priceless!

Don’t forget that today is THE LAST DAY TO ENTER THE FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST TO BE NAMED PBD’S BLOG DAWG OF THE YEAR! Awesome prizes are up for grabs and voting starts Monday so, even if you were too chicken to actually enter, be sure to come back and vote for the face that scared you the most!

And, once you've examined the contest link and submitted your entry, go ahead and check out Mrs.4444s to link up your favorite Friday Fragments posts of the week!

*Nice way to say you are losing your effing mind!

**I say sadly because I fully enjoy watching the deluded, tone deaf citizens of America as they are ripped to shreds by my most all time favorite British person. It makes me smile inside.

***I love RanDumb, obscure statistics like the ones they always come up with at sporting events: “Hey, Charles, did you know that this player is the first to ever score a three point shot while wearing white shoes with black stripes and being a left handed shooter with 3 seconds left on the hot clock?”

RanDumb: Retro Edition

You’d think rich people could stay outta trouble.

Just this week we’ve seen this winner…

repeatedly gracing web pages and magazine covers (do you think they purposely make you look this horrible before they snap your shot?).

Jeez, Dude. Get a hobby (other than attempting to pull alcohol fueled, bumbling bank jobs).

If I had millions of dollars I’m pretty sure I could find plenty of crap to do that didn’t involve time behind bars.

But that’s just me.

Celebrities are different. For some reason they seem to be huge crime junkies.

From whore-infatuated politicians (and golfers) to sex tape scandalized actresses (and heiresses), our faves from the big screen (and the capitol) all could have easily saved themselves a whole butt load of trouble had they spent a few minutes Goggling their favorite vices on the Internet.

Which is what I did to bring you this weeks addition of RanDumb*.

Enjoy!

Things Naughty-Law-Abiding-Challenged Celebrities Shoulda Goggled

1. Celebrity+sex+tape+scandals. Had someone like Ray J. went ahead and done this then he woulda known that, when embroiled in a sex tape “scandal”, it’s better for the rest of your career if you are the female “star” as opposed to the slightly washed up D-list celebrity male component. I mean, just look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, pioneers of the celebrity sex tape. After their video came out in 1998 she got even more popular, while him, not so much. Same thing for Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Both of them have spent tons of time in the limelight since their sex tape-scapades made their Internet debuts, however the aforementioned Ray J. and that nobody Hilton was with have all but disappeared. I know Ray J. has that Flavor-of-Love-wannabe-hood-rat-fest of a show, “For the Love of Ray J.” on VH1, but really, who even cares? I can say with complete conviction that I would do more for a Klondike Bar than I would for the love of Ray J.

2. Celebrity+prostitution+busts. Holy pants on the ground, Batman! Are there people who haven’t heard about Hugh Grant and Divine Brown? Or what about Eddie Murphy and that tranny (that was embarrassing!)? Seriously. Eddie may not have had to go downtown for his transgression, but everyone saw Hugh’s mugshots, right?

Thanks to his 1998 debacle we all know what happens to celebrities who get hooked (can that be a verb, or does that not work?). So what is up with people like A-Rod and Eliot Spitzer? Pick up an In Touch Weekly, guys. Hop on People.com. Could save you a lot of trouble.

3. Celebrities+sex+rehab. Had Tiger and David Duchovny taken a few moments to type these three little words into everyone’s favorite medical diagnosing machine (aka Goggle), they would have come back with articles about one very famous sexaholic named Michael Douglas. He spent some part of the 90s figuring out how to put a muzzle on his libido. Both Tiger and Duchovny both could have saved millions of dollars, not to mention weeks of embarrassment.

4. Politicians+infidelity. Two words. Bill. effing-Clinton. So maybe that was two and a half words. But seriously, politicians cheating on their wives with young chicks is so 1997 (‘96?, 98?). It always goes down the same way, too: allegations of “inappropriate behavior” (aka hooking up in the oval office) are made, politician denies it as does young probably paid off and/or threatened girl involved, young girl winds up pregnant dead caught in a lie with a a semen stained dress breaking the story for some reason, politician admits to some smaller offense (usually an “inappropriate” relationship) but vehemently denies the allegations, politician’s sensible wife stands by him as the pillar of the family, all hell breaks loose, everyone forgets about the random young chick who was implicated in the affair, all focus is put on the wife (and whether she’ll stay or go), no one cares what the politician does once a celebrity sex tape is released (unless the politician is in that too!), politician resigns and goes on to write a book have a library named after him run a Baskin Robins live happily ever after. I was so over the John-Edwards-stereotypical-affair story until the whole sex tape scandal broke. Way to change the game for us John!

5. Celebrities+arrested+DUI. It seems no one is immune to this: Heather Locklear, Keifer Sutherland, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Charles Barkley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mischa Barton, Haley Joel no-wonder-he-sees-dead-people-Osment. The list of celebrities picked up for driving under the influence could go on forever. Not sure why they haven’t learned this lesson. They have so many role models to learn from in this particular area. Notable ones even. I know that his recent success has made these days all but disappear, but seriously for most of the 90s this is one of the only shots of Robert Downey Jr. you were likely to see…

He’s like the poster child for when-good-actors-get-addicted-to-crap. He’s been arrested more times than DMX (anyone with an “Arrest-o-Meter page has serious issues) for crying out loud and every time it was drug and/or alcohol related. Carrying an unloaded gun; while drunk. Speeding; while drunk. Breaking into people’s houses because he thinks it’s his house; while, you guessed it, drunk. So much to learn from a guy like this.

Point is, had any of these celebritards taken half a second to do a little research things could have gone much differently.

So, if you find yourself trapped in a life altering blizzard this weekend (like I’m scheduled to be) and you’re bored outta your mind, go ahead and type this into Google: things 90s stars did to ruin their lives.

Hours-o-fun and it’s not even illegal.

And, while we’re on the topic of 90s stuff worth remembering why don’t you go ahead and get your self entered in my 90s inspired photo contest?!

You could win awesome prizes so being laughed at shamelessly a few moments of discomfort is totally worth it!

*RanDumb is a weekly event here at parenting BY dummies during which I share recent (or in this case, retro) events that focus on the dumb in others. It makes me look and feel good, plus it’s funny! Looking for other random fun? Head on over to Mrs. 4444’s blog, Half Past Kissin’ Time and link up to her Friday Fragments post.

RanDumb: Rich and Famous

Once again it’s on (doo doo, doo doo, I know, my music references work WAY better in my head).

Anyway, welcome back for another RanDumb week in which Dumb Mom shares an entire week’s worth of moronic news with you just to take the focus off of her own mistakes while simultaneously boosting her self esteem causing her to talk in the third person like other people who have highly inflated egos (ie Karl Malone, please tell me you know who this is.).

And, since the dummies of Tinsel Town have been quite active this week I decided to focus on them a bit.

Really, poking fun of celebrities is like one of my most favoritest past times. Just ‘cause they spend so much time poking fun of me.

Okay, so maybe no celebrity has actually poked fun directly at me exactly. But, I would argue that, wearing all those expensive, fashionable clothes, and looking all gorgeous, and thin, with their perfect hair and their flawless skin and then rubbing it in by having their pictures taken and plastered all over the place is pretty much like the exact same thing.

I know you’re probably thinking I’m overreacting because they don’t do that on purpose and some of them claim that they don’t even enjoy it. Or, because even if they do enjoy it it’s not like it’s personal or intentionally done in order to damage my self-esteem or that of young girls.

But, whatever.

Don’t be trying to poke holes in my theory. My overwheling sense of guilt can’t take it. I can only talk crap about people who deserve it. My good conscious won’t allow me to sleep at night otherwise.

Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m about to start celebrity bashing; you know how I love me some celebrities.

I’m just gonna tell you why some of them are RanDumb.

Why don’t we start with Taylor “The Cuckoo” Swift?

No, silly not cuckoo like crazy, cuckoo like bird.

‘Cause she’s making her newly acquired home into a creepy-Michael-Jackson-inspired-Never land-of-horrors fantasy land.

It will be completely redone to include a moat (you know, for protection), a brass telescope (for looking at the night sky, but not the real night sky, the one PAINTED on her ceiling), and a human sized BIRDCAGE(because every young go-go dancer girl needs a cage of their own)?

Insert spooky music.

Ya see? This is what happens to people who don’t grow up with normal lives. They go bat-crap crazy.

Which is why I’m glad that Hubby and I spend a good chunk of time being broke as a joke. Wouldn’t want our kids to get all, what are they calling it to make it sound less bad than nuts? Oh yeah…quirky.

Yeahright.

I could totally live with quirky kids if I could also live with Justin Timberlake Mariah Carey’s closet, Kim Kardashian’s body, and Oprah’s bank account.

Anyway, Taylor going off the deep end is actually sorta sad because I really love her. I just can’t jump on board her her crazy train if she goes that route.

I’m scared of crazy.

But it is a little funny…

At least when it shows up on my favorite, most RanDumb show of all time: American Idol.

I know these hopefuls are not rich or famous, but they are all 100% convinced that they are gonna be. And that is like pretty much the same thing. Seriously, ask ‘em.

So, who made us LOL this week?

Biggest LOL Worthy Audition of Week 3

Two words: Dexter. Please-stop-winking-before-I-swallow-my-tongue Warren.

Okay, that was maybe a little more than two words, but I’m not sure Dexter would notice so you shouldn’t either.

He may not have strong command of the English language, but dang it, at least he’s got an (arguable if you ask me) amazing smile.

That’s it for Idol Idiots this week. Everyone else was either a decent singer or just so horribly bad that they weren’t even funny, just sad. Very, very sad.

Or actors?

I’m starting really believe that some of the “contestants” are just really great actors because I don’t believe that they can really be as socially awkward, fashion backwards, or hideously tone deaf as they portray.

I mean seriously.

Look at this guy…

Unreal.

Last but not least, let’s discuss the reality TV nightmare of the century: Nadia Suleman.

Yep, the one, the only, Octomom (who should technically be Quattuordecmom, because she actually has like 14 kids, right?).

But, her latest dumb act is attempting to convince me that this is for real:

Honestly?

How dumb do you think I am?

No one is dumb enough to believe that you can go from this…

AHHH! Sorry, scared me!

to this…

without any kind of enhancements, intervention, or pain (that’s what she told the magazine at least).

No. Effing. Way.

That stretch mark erasing cream doesn’t work that well (or even at all really).

And, where’d all the post-abdomen-stretched-to-the-ends-of-the-earth leftover belly skin get to?

I mean, not that I’m a great example or anything, but after carrying 3 kids, on 3 separate occasions, I’ve got a belly pouch up front like a kanga-friggin-roo.

It would be so helpful if it had a slit in the top, maybe a fleece lining? Then I could carry the toddler around in it during the winter.

Or, like what if it had a zipper, or a Velcro flap on top? Then I could put spare change in it, maybe the cell phone and car keys?

Would totally replace those nightmare fanny pack thingys that somehow got taken as an acceptable fashion item in the late 80’s. Those godforsaken freaks of fashion nature that should have burned like a 1690s witch in Salem, but somehow still manage to find their way into people’s drawers these days.

We could call it a Belly Bag, or a Tummy Tote, or, um… an Abdo-purse.

That has a very nice ring. Abdo-purse. Don’t let all that flabby belly skin go to waste, have it turned into and Abdo-purse!

Anyway, what’s your take on it?

Do you think she worked it off (being a single parent with no help and a butt load of kids is hard work; not that she would know), got it cut off, or had it airbrushed into oblivion?

Want to enjoy more random flavored fun?

Head on over to Mrs.4444’s and check out her Friday Fragment post. You can link up or just hang out and enjoy the fun.

<a href="http://mrs4444awards.blogspot.com/2009/03/friday-fragments.html" target="_blank"><img alt="Mommy's Idea" src="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w323/CarbaraB/Blog%20Graphics/scan00022-1.jpg"/></a>

But don’t go until after you tell me how you think Octomommy accomplished the surgery-free-non-invasive tummy tuck. I’m in wicked need of one of those.

RanDumb, Really?

Tons of things confuse me.

Obviously there are the standard ones like, algorithms, how to convert metric units into something normal like inches or cups, and outer space.

But there’s a butt load of other crap that boggles my mind as well. 

For example, when Hubby calls me from the medicine aisle at Target and asks me if he should get the grape medicine or the cherry medicine for the dudes, and I tell him cherry because they HATE grape (and by HATE I mean it makes them gag), but then for some reason that I can not for the life of me determine he comes home with a bag filled with the grape ones anyway?!

I always just wonder why he bothered to call me and ask if he wasn't gonna listen.

I can’t imagine he’s doing it just to tick me off.  Even Dumb Dad’s not that dumb.

Or, when Hubby (obviously there are tons of things he does that I find to be mindblowingly confusing) asks me what movie I want to see.  I say, “Why don’t you get Julie and Julia or The Proposal?” and he comes back with District 9.

Really?! 

WTH?!  What kind of mind game are you playing at, Sir?! 

WHY?!

I’m sure in his mind asking me is like his way of appearing interested in what I say and eager to please me.  In my mind (aka reality) it is just annoying.

Anyway.  This week on RanDumb I’m going to explore a number of topics that I find confusing (aka Dumb).

Through extensive research (which is an advanced way of saying I Googled it), I have discovered that some of them actually do have answers.

Sadly the more tricky ones remain unexplained. 

Feel free to offer your own explanations, but don’t be surprised if I contradict you.  I may not know what the answers are, but I’m pretty sure I know what they aren’t.

5 RanDumb Things that Made Dumb Mom Say Really?

1.  That guys don’t like surprises. 

Really? 

Why the Hell not?  What’s wrong with surprises? 

They are exciting, and fun, and…surprising.  I love surprises.  I rarely ever get them since I am in charge of developing, organizing, and carrying out every single idea that this household comes up with, but I’d love to be surprised (with something I’ve preapproved, of course) from time to time.  I mean, really, there’s no such thing as a bad surprise because bad surprises are called mistakes. 

Hubby, on the other hand HATES surprises.  I gave him a surprise birthday party like 8 years ago and I’ve never seen anyone have a less happy face at a party.  He was miserable.  He acted nice enough about it, but later he informed that he really, truly, honestly, no lie just doesn’t like being surprised.

Really?

Naturally, I assumed he was lying.  Or that, if he was telling the truth, he was some sort of heartless freak o’ nature because EVERYONE likes surprises.

Well, apparently, he’s neither because according to this guy, who I am totally in love with because he is singlehandedly saving my marriage with his witty insight John DeVore, who writes on The Frisky agrees that “Dudes Do Not Dig Surprises”.  He even gives some believably (although irrational) reasons as to why.

Go.  Figure.

2.  Americans are sensitive. 

About race.  About nudity.  About everything. 

This has baffled me for years.  I used to live in Europe.  For like 4 years.  The first week I was there my brother and I were watching a cartoon on television and right before our new-to-the-county-eyes the character dropped his shorts and took a dump in a stream, bearing is animated, naked booty to the world. 

We were taken aback. 

But that experience was nothing compared to the first time I visited a schwimmbad (German word for swimming pool) and discovered that tops were optional.  And the only ones gaping at the naked knockers were us Americans (and by us I mean every American but me because I was so embarrassed I nearly drowned myself in the wave pool).  No one there woulda thought to fine, or boycott, or make a stink about Janet’s wardrobe malfunction that has caused us to suffer through many years of sucky post-Janet Superbowl halftime “talent”. 

I mean, really?

Are Janet’s pierced nipples that offensive?

I’d love to be able to wake up to those everyday (because they were attached to my own chest, not because I was in bed with Miss-Jackson-if-you’re-nasty, although now that I think about it…).

And it’s not just nudity that gets all of our panties in a twist.

I mean look at all the trouble this Folgers commercial has caused.

Apparently, it’s sexist?

Really? 

Is anyone else who doesn’t have countless hours to dissect every single little element of every single little everything offended by it?

I’m probably dumb and insensitive but I just don’t get it.

It could be worse.  I mean look at this…

It totally perpetuates the stereotype that Chinese people can fly.

Even I know that’s not true.

Or what about this one…

You expect me to believe that one little box of chicken would be enough to shut all those people up? 

Yeahright.

3.  Animals have tons to do with boobs. 

Really?

Well, that’s what PETA is trying to convince me of anyway (DON’T GO TO THE LINK UNLESS YOU ARE 100% OKAY WITH SEEING A PAIR OF VERY COSTLY BIJONGAS).

I don’t know.

Personally, I could’ve done without the stripper.  I mean the sad images and the creepy-mad-rock-inspired accompaniment were convincing enough on their own.  The naked chick was just distracting because I couldn’t quit looking at her tigolbitties long enough to listen to her message.

4.  Some people are just effing crazy. 

A fact repeatedly proven by reality TV.

I mean did you see this dude on American Idol this week?

Come on.

Really?

Is there any way that dude is not tone deaf?

Doubt it.

And, what about this guy…

He’s lucky the only thing he “done ripped” were his pants.

5.  My children are spoiled.

Really? 

Because they don’t really act like it.

But, maybe the sweet gem of a woman who left the comment on my “Birthday Doughnut” post from a coupla days ago knows them better than I do.

Or.  Maybe I really am just to dumb to notice.

Either way, I’m thinking I should look into this claim and see if there is any validity to it, maybe I’ll take a poll or something, because the last thing I need is a spoiled kid hanging around here.

Loud, energetic, outgoing, overzealous, and showing daredevil like tendencies are hard enough to deal with!

Got a RanDumb video or news story to share with Dumb Mom?  Point the way because I can’t get enough of this stuff.

Have a random (or a RanDumb) post to share?  Head over to Mrs.. 4444 and her Friday Fragments to link up.

RanDumb Reality

Reality TV: my only real pointless-relaxing-pressure-free hobby. Back when I actually had more time to watch TV (aka before I added #3 to my client services list) I was into tons of reality shows.

Just to give you an idea of how serious I was about them, here is a condensed list of what I used to watch: Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, True Life, The Bachelor, Flavor of Love, Made, Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew, America’s Next Top Model, Hell’s Kitchen, The Apprentice, Last Comic Standing, The Simple Life, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and probably at least 5 others I’m forgetting.

And, these are just the shows that I tuned into for more than one season. This doesn’t include all of the ones that were like one season/episode watchers, like Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (which I loved trash-TV-aholic that I am).

In my defense, it’s important to understand that these shows weren’t all on at the same time so it’s not like I was just sitting in front of the television for hours on end each night. Okay, it was sorta like that. But, I always made it a point to get stuff done while watching, like folding laundry or finishing up a project (I used to scrapbook before I realized that I kinda sucked at it).

Now that I don’t have time to watch TV (and when I do it’s a waste of time because people are constantly interrupting and/or screaming so loudly I can’t concentrate) I also don’t have time for folding the laundry. Totally not my fault.

Anyway, I feel that my extensive background in reality television arts gives me the credibility to accurately critique reality TV appearances. That being said let me introduce you to two of the DUMBest most ridiculous examples of all time…

Norberto Guerrero (whose appearance is made even more hilarious by the comments of Simon Cowell; what will this world do without him on American Idol?)…

and, The General (who can thank the deterioration of modern hip hop music for making him into an Internet sensation)…

Reality Steve: the man behind the blog that has all the inside scoop on The Bachelor.

This guy is possibly the most well informed reality TV scoop dude on the planet.

He has predicted, I mean given FACTS (that’s what he says they are anyway) about the way the remainder of the season will shake out.

I am sincerely hoping that he is just predicting based on “a source close to the show” because if what he says happens actually happens I really will be telling Jake and ABC to take their wings and their love and shove it.

I’m not gonna give you any of his beyond-DUMB-better-not-be-true spoilers here. You have to follow this link and check them out for yourself if you wanna know.

Reality checks: something I avoid with a vengeance. Which is why, instead of eating more sensibly and exercising frequently, I have been attempting to Just Dance my a$& off.

Thanks to House Party (have you heard of them? They let you host super cool parties to tell all your friends about fun and awesome new products. So. Neat.) and Ubisoft, and Jell-O Mousse Temptations I got the Wii Just Dance game along with Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy (you know, it’s the one with the camera that scans your body with it's high techyness and then puts a duplicate of you, and your fat belly, on the screen so you can workout with Jenny).

The DUMB part about this whole thing is that while I devoured the mousse (it’s very tasty if you’re into chocolate, aka human) and I am all about the Just Dance game (see video below and try not to hate on my Britney skills) I haven’t gotten into the Your Shape game (the one actually designed to help me lose the thunder thighs jiggling to the beat of Womanizer in the video) like I need to.

I’ve avoided it mostly because I’m unmotivated (read lazy, tired, obsessed with chocolaty goodness, and hiding behind all the winter clothing I can find).

But, my inability to get my act together isn’t my only deterrent. The fact that Skinny Jenny is dancing around with me on the screen making me look like an even bigger lardy is a little annoying too. As petty as it sounds, I enjoyed working out with my Biggest Loser DVDs more because I knew that even though I look fat and uncoordinated and totally uncomfortable, they did too so it made me feel okay.

And, I-swear-I-used-to-be-fat Jenny isn’t the only thing keeping Your Shape in the box at Casa de Dummies. There is also the game’s exercise Nazi bleating on and on about how my arms aren’t in the correct position to contend with.

As I’m huffing and puffing and blowing myself down trying to keep up I’m also busy screaming at the television.

From what I recall I said something along the lines of, “HOLY CRAP YOU IDIOT STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MY BLOODY ARMS! DON’T YOU GET IT? I’M FAT! I’M DOING MY BEST! MY ARMS ARE ABOUT TO FALL OFFA MY BODY! SHUT UP ABOUT THE ARMS! GRRR! I’M DONE.”

I know that exercising with Jenny will probably help me to actually lose some weight (if I could get my stupid arms to cooperate), and I swear (totally pinky swear I’m gonna do it, I really am) that I’m gonna give her a real try starting next week, but in the meantime, this is just so much more fun…

(plain old) Reality: which sucks. Big time.

Not for me, and maybe not for you.

But, definitely for the people suffering in Haiti right now.

I’m almost too embarrassed to admit how DUMB I am for avoiding all of the coverage.

I have my reasons, but basically it’s because I guess I’m kinda selfish (and emotionally ill equipped to deal with the images on the Internet and TV).

While I can’t say that I’ve gotten much more involved (because if I did I would sit here and spend my entire day crying and feeling helpless), I have made my (minor, but hopefully helpful) text donation (you can make one too by texting “haiti” to 90999 so your $10 gets to the Red Cross for relief efforts).

And, I’ve found a blog to share with you guys if you’re interested in following this horrible reality.

Check it out here if you are: Rollings in Haiti

And then, go in the other room and kiss your kid and forgive your husband for forgetting to get THE ONE THING you sent him to the store for. At least that’s what I’m gonna do.

*Have some randumbness or some fragments you'd like to share? Visit Mrs. 444 and her Friday Fragments to link up!