First ever Mom Tip Tuesday so I thought I’d do it right and officially introduce you to Dumb Mom!
I used to write a blog/column/random gathering of meaningless words on the site of my local newspaper. It was called Maybe Mommy’s a Dummy (detect a theme yet?).
Part of that column was Dumb Mom’s Guide to the Universe.
Dumb Mom is an expert on nothing who knows pretty much everything.
She is outsmarted by her kids on a daily basis (hence the name) but she does it in cute shoes, with a friendly smile, and a ridiculously awesome handbag.
She may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she’s the best dressed.
Which is wasted by being inside of a shed.
She knows what she’s talking about for the most part so listen up and you will survive.
Motherhood never looked so easy, or cute, or fashionable.
You are welcome.
In light of upcoming events I’ve decided to make this week’s tip about birthdays for children.
Specifically, birthdays for a whole butt load of
rowdy, hard to manage children who are not quite or just barely five.
Dumb Mom’s Guide to Planning a Preschool Birthday Party
1. Face the facts. Fact one: you don’t really like other people’s kids. Fact two: even if you did like other people’s kids, you don’t like other people’s kids all at the same time. Fact three: you are crazy. It’s difficult to like children in groups because all of their unlikeable attributes are magnified. They are louder, and meaner, and more energetic than when you are with them alone. Plus, for whatever reason, when groups of kids get together some parents take that as the perfect opportunity to ignore their own
horribly behaved difficult to be around even in small doses child. It’s like they assume the know it all mom whoever is in charge of the party is also in charge of their child. Get your mind right. It will suck, but you are crazy so in the end it will be worth it.
2. Buy booze. And drink it. Definitely before, if possible during, and immediately after the party. Just be sure to drink vodka or something else that won’t make you smell like a winery. You know how moms like to talk and before you know it you will be the Ms. Hannigan of the preschool.*
3. Bribery. Always works. Every situation. Believe me when I say this: money talks. Even louder than kids hopped up on sugar and life. This means that there are people who make their living hosting parties for hard to manage groups of children just like the one you have in mind. You can go to their special designed, brightly colored, kid-friendly place and they will make magic. You don’t have to make magic all alone. If you have cash you can hire people to make it for you. This is why I
sell myself to anyone interested in buying work, for the necessities in life that people just shouldn’t be asked to live without.
4. Invite the whole class. I used to get all annoyed at this mandate some schools have in place. Before I had kids in school I was a huge get-used-to-exclusion-and-rejection-it’s-a-part-of-life kinda girl. But one of my children had the unfortunate experience of not being invited to the birthday party of his alleged best friend and then, he had to sit and listen while the confirmed best friends discussed the party in his presence. He was crushed. He had questions. And the only answer I could come up with was, “Well, Dude, some people suck and the fact that they do just makes us look more awesome.” Okay, I didn’t actually say that, but I totally wanted to. I still don’t think this is a necessary requirement for school aged children, but for preschoolers, in a classroom with only 10 children (only 4 of which were boys) would it have been so horrible to invite them all? Possibly I would have declined
because the site of his mother made me ill, but still, my little dude would have been able to say that he was invited and couldn’t go because his mommy mysteriously came down with the shingles (or some other sudden, random, and completely faked ailment), as opposed to thinking, and feeling, and having everyone believe that he wasn’t invited because he wasn’t cool. Invite them all, the ones whose mommies are jerkwads probably won’t come anyway.
5. Say thanks. I know I skipped right over the actual party element, but that’s because I covered that in the first three tips: realize it’s hopeless, show up drunk, and pay some perky high school chick to do all the hard stuff. All that’s covered. It’s after the party that people tend to forget. You know, once you’re home and sobered up, and your hangover has worn off, and your kid has broken 65% of all of his new stuff. That’s the time that repeatedly gets neglected. And, I’d like to argue that next to having a banging cake, this is the most important element: the THANK YOU CARDS. Yes, your child needs to send them (or watch you send them) so that he understands that having a party and getting gifts is not compulsory. It is a
benefit of mommy bribing people and having nosy friends who want to talk about her inability to make quality goody bags privilege. Every child doesn’t get them. Every person that came didn’t have to. And bringing gifts is optional (although just good etiquette). Learn to be thankful and people will love you, or at least pretend to.
Now, wish me luck at #2’s Super Sweet 5 Birthday Party we are hosting on Thursday (his actual birthday is tomorrow which explains the St. Patty's Day inspired header) Bounce-a-roo center in my hood. Should be a blast.
*Due to the bum kidneys I'm not a huge lush myself. I have my moments (which some of you have been lucky enough to witness first hand), but I'm not gonna be at the Oscars with my flask George Clooney style. The suggestion to drink is for those of you who turn to booze as an answer to your problems...you know who you are. Don't worry I don't judge.
Link up your favorite Mom Tip below and I’ll stop by for a look; I need all the tips I can get!