What NOT To Do: An Expert's Guide

parenting BY dummies is “a guide to parenting by someone who has tried everything you DON’T want to do”.

Knowing what NOT to do is sorta my thing.

I guess you could say I specialize in Don’ts.

I’m something of an expert in identifying the common pitfalls of parenthood.

I find the don’ts and do them anyway so you don’t have to.

It’s sorta my public service to struggling mothers everywhere.

So, when my girl Mama Kat said, “Hey Dumb Mom,” (and she may not have actually said those words aloud, but when she designed this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts she definitely had me in mind) she said, “you are rockin’ momhood, lookin’ all good, doin’ your damn thang, why don’t you go ahead and come up with a list of Do’s and Don’ts for the rest of us?”

And, even though there was no money involved, I decided to go for it, because you know what, with out me and my constant failures to be your guide where would you all be?

But, in an effort to stay on her good side, I decided to do one better.

I’m not even gonna deal with the Dos, because, frankly, they aren’t important.

I mean, I in case you hadn’t noticed don’t even know what to do (if I did this blog would be called parenting FOR dummies); but I don’t need to.

They key to survival is avoidance.

Knowing what NOT to do is what’s gonna save your life on a day-to-day basis.

The dos are for those smart moms to talk about.

The Don’ts are for the rest of us.

And, in an effort to give you something even more useful, I’ve compiled a list of Don't’ for your kids, because really they are the ones that need it right?

Think about it, if they knew more about what not to do your life would be at least like 75% easier (at the very least it would eliminate your need to come up with creative forms of punishment).

So print this off, give it your little people, and make ‘em read it (or read it to them if they are still card carrying members of the illiteracy club).

YOU CAN THANK ME LATER!

DON’TS for Kids: A Dumb Mom’s Guide to Keeping You Out of Trouble

1. DON’T wake your mom up by tapping on her head and saying any of the following: I puked on your floor, I peed in my bed, I found a snake, or I think the car is gone.
2. DON’T decide to “help out” by mopping the floor, cleaning the fish tank, or watering the plants. Water is fun for you but Mommy pretty much hates it.
3. DON’T attempt to use any of the following household appliances: the phone (even if it is to call the police on your brother), the microwave (I know it’s “easy” because you only have to press one button, but since you can’t read pressing p-o-t-a-t-o instead of p-o-p-c-o-r-n can lead to catastrophic results), the garage door opener (just because you have no business even being in the garage), the washing machine (see above tip regarding water usage), the dryer (because you fold like your father), and the iron (don’t worry, you’ll never see this one laying around our house anyway).
4. DON’T give unsolicited advice; the lady across the street could do with out your yard care recommendations.
5. DON’T beg for things at the store. Such behavior is embarrassing to your mother and it gives her money in the bank, so to speak, when it comes to future opportunities to chaperone your high school dances. You will be sorry. This mamma knows how to jerk and she ain’t afraid to use it!
6. DON’T use any of the words your mommy uses while she’s driving. That means douche, d-bag, crap face, and ignoramus are all off limits.
7. DON’T heckle other drivers. Mommy’s got that covered.
8. DON’T store things in the toilet. Your effort to put things away is greatly appreciated, but please refer again to #2 above to fully understand our stance on water based activities.
9. DON’T throw food while at the table. This is particularly important if that table is located in the middle of a restaurant (which is unlikely because no one ever wants to take you anywhere ever, but still).
10. DON’T disrobe without receiving permission in advance (and “in advance” does NOT mean while Mommy is distracted with talking to your soccer coach at the supermarket).
11. DON’T disrobe in public regardless of advanced permissions you may or may not have received.
12. DON’T ask to accompany Mommy to Target (because that’s her leisure time), the bathroom (because that’s private), or Wal-Mart (because that’s just crazy).
13. DON’T put your shoes on the counter (even if they’re “clean”).
14. DON’T be a poor sport. Even if Daddy is moping on the corner of the field or kicking the ground, you say good game, give a hi-five, and head for the car. Let Mommy deal with Daddy.
15. DON’T fight dirty with your brothers. Fighting dirty would include any of the following maneuvers: eye gauges, nostril pulling, butt hole assaults, attempted ear drum rupturing, and hitting in the “nuts”.
16. DON’T use the word nuts.
17. DON’T poop your pants at school and then lie when asked about it. Seriously, Dude, people could smell it out in the hallway, it’s time to fess up.
18. DON’T scream for Mommy when she gets ready to go out for her one girl’s night of the quarter. When she’s home you don’t want her so give it a rest. Besides, you should know that once you can rely on your own feet for transportation the affect of your tears has pretty much worn of entirely.
19. DON’T get up before Mommy has her coffee the sun.
20. DON’T grow up. Based on your father other men, growing up is a losing situation for Mommy. Gone will be all of your sweet innocence, your pudgy cheeks, and your unconditional love, but you keep all of the pickiness, the stubbornness, and the inflexibility; traits that move from being tolerable to downright annoying.

Now, since I know you are here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday, go ahead and add your Linky down there so we can read all about it.*

*If you aren’t here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday or to enter your picture in my Fugly Face Photo Contest (which ends tomorrow by the way!) or to leave me a comment saying you love me and you hope the snow magically disappears then you aren’t allowed to use my list of DON'Ts to make your kids better people.

And yes, I really am that petty.

Just Give 'Em a Chance

Only 14 hours (give or take) left to secure the fate of your favorite fugly photo in the Merry Effin Christmas Photo Contest Hall of Shame.

It is only from this position that will they have any chance (a 1 in 5 chance really) of being selected as the fugliest photo of all.

Because, while I'd like to consider the opinion of all of you obviously bribed, coerced, and/or threatened, and therefore totally compromised and discredited dedicated readers, the ultimate choice will be mine (insert evil laugh...Mwhahaha) and my skilled panel of judges.

After all, it is my effing contest in the first effing place so I can pick whoever the eff I want to win the effing thing, and if you don't effing like it you can go eff yourself, it's only fair that I get to select since you know, my witty captions, my Photoshop skilldizzles (except for those few overachievers *cough* Supah, who did their own cards), my contest, MY BLOG!

So...hurry up and vote for your faves.

To make it easier, I've ranked them here, as they stand at this very moment, so you can change the course of history (you know, by voting for the underdog), or just let the chips fall as they may (or whatever that saying is).

Looks like there is a pretty heated battle for the fifth spot!

May the force be with you!

1. #29
2. #11
3. #6
4. #1
5. #18
6. #16 and #22 tied with 10 each and only outta the top 5 by 5 votes!)
5. #15
6. #14
7. #27 & #3
8. #19
9. #23 & #28
10. #26
11. #8, 10, 13, 24
12. #2, 9, 20, 21, 25, 5
13. #4, 7, 12, 17

Good luck contestants, and please note, there is already another photo contest in the works so should you get stomped mercilessly not be victorious in this one, you will get another chance!