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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thank Me Later Thursday: Inaugural Edition


It’s here.

The very first soon-to-be-famous edition of Thank Me Later Thursday, hosted by the probably-more-likely-to-be-infamous blog parenting BY dummies.

Since it’s our first time, I’ll take it slow and start with explaining exactly how this little naughty is supposed to work.


I write a post about something that happened in which the other person/place/thing involved behaved in an annoying, embarrassing, or otherwise unfavorable way and then had the gall, the audacity, the galldacity to demonstrate inadequate amounts of gratitude towards me for not sweeping the leg, punching them in the throat, and/or putting them in a headlock.


I just give you some much needed advice that you can internalize or share with people in your life who really need it.

Easy, right?

Well, let’s jump right in then.

Since I am feeling in a particularly benevolent mood today, I’m gonna hook you up with some advice (which you can go ahead and feel free to use as the answer to one of Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompts for the week. You know, the one about advice from someone who knows stuff? I’ll be that someone for you.).

Now, I know that I’m not exactly an "expert", per se on any of these issues, but I do feel that I have tons of years of training in all of these departments.

I mean, I’ve been a mom for over 8 years now. I’ve been preggers three times. I’ve been married for 7 years (oops, guess that skeleton just fell outta the closet!). I’m a trained educator (among other largely useless things).

Plus, I consider myself an expert on nothing who knows pretty much everything. Maybe not ‘cause I’m super smart, but because I’ve had more fail days than most people in similar situations and, while I may not be savvy enough to avoid the recurrence of such days, I am smart enough to at least take notes.

So, please enjoy Dumb Mom’s Basic (ever growing) Guide to Life*.

And, um, you can THANK ME LATER!

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Dating

  1. Don’t hook up with guys who live in your apartment building. Unless you are rich (in which case hook up with whoever you want). Otherwise they are likely to have similar earning capabilities as you and will therefore not be able to support you should you require that after you get fired for stealing paper from the printer at work.
  2. Don’t spend countless years looking for a perfect 10. Find yourself a 7 when you are young and make him a 10. Man remodeling is one of my favorite past times. It’s hard work, but it’s so rewarding. Be aware though, that no matter where he started, they all turn out to be 4s once the baby shows up.

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Marriage

  1. Develop a celebrity crush. This is to ensure that there is someone to focus on (other than the guy who empties your trash at work) when hubby acts like a caveman. You’d be surprised to learn how awesome the trash dude can look when Hubby’s antics have you in a tizzy.
  2. Spend time doing things you love. Not together, silly. SEPARATELY. This will allow you to enjoy your awesome pre-married life without having to get all wrapped up in his totally-unawesome-gaming-addicted-sports-aholic-pre-married life that you married him in spite of, not because of.
  3. Communicate better. Meaning, give him a list (handwritten and taped to the refrigerator so he can’t lose it) of actual words to use (like frustrated, lonely, proud, etc) that a responsible human with a brain (aka you) will respond to. This should eliminate the grunts, head nods, and it-was-goods that he automatically resorts to during conversation. Details people. It’s all about DETAILS.
  4. Use tears. They work.

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Pregnancy

  1. Eat whatever you want. It is the only time in your life that it will be okay for you to be fat.
  2. Get new friends. Like pregnant ones. Because you will be a huge drag to all of your never-been-there buddies who really just want you to shut up about your back, and your feet, and your vag. I mean don’t get me wrong, you can still kick it with them from time to time, just try to find a pregnant friend or one that has a baby too so you don’t make yourself the fat-annoying-whiny-seriously-with-the-effing-baby-crap buzz kill friend. I mean already you can’t drink anymore, you can’t dance on the bar anymore, and despite the halfhearted mumblings to the contrary, you really don’t look that cute in the fitted jeans anymore. And, none of these things are gonna change too much once baby is born. Well, actually, I lied. It will change, because it’ll be even worse.
  3. Buy your soon-to-be-born kid cute clothes. Because it is fun.

Dumb Mom’s Guide to Motherhood

  1. Don’t be nervous. You honestly are not expected to know what to do. Being anxious and exhausted all the time is like part of your divine punishment for having so much fun creating the little crumb snatchers. When you’ve worked off your had-too-much-fun-time-to-pay debt to the universe, things will mellow out a bit and your kid will start acting like a human, as opposed to an alien sent to Earth specifically to torture you.
  2. Don’t compare your kids. Not to other kids, and not to each other. All it does is make you and them think they suck. Nobody likes to think they suck.
  3. Don’t bother learning to cook. Pretty much everything they are gonna eat without puking can be made in a toaster oven or a microwave. Instead spend your time coming up with creative way to punish evil creatures that are small. This is an effective use of your time that will undoubtedly come in handy.
  4. Don’t waste money buying 100s of dollars in fancy picture books. Chances are good that they are only gonna let you read the one, most annoying title in the house over and over and over again. You know, the repetitive one, with the bad illustrations? Yeah, that one. Plan to memorize it ‘cause your kid will and if you can recite it without actually having to look at it you may be able to sneak a few peeks at Ellen while you “read”.
  5. Don’t encourage them to love music. They will just become little ipod Nazis and make you want to run your car into a ditch by screaming that you, “PAY DA BAYARGIGANS AGAIN MOMMY!” repeatedly. Or, if they are particularly evil, they’ll learn the words to inappropriate songs like Birthday Sex and I Kissed a Girl and sing them in public just to embarrass you. It’s sorta cute at home, but not so much at Mommy and Me class.
  6. Find a good hiding place. Have one built if necessary. It’s the only way you’ll ever have a moment alone with an ice cream sandwich again.
  7. Don’t require them to socialize with each other. Actually, the less time you allow them to spend with each other the better. It limits the time they have to concoct hair brained activities that are devised to inflict suffering up on you. And, it decreases the rate at which your littler, not-yet-ruined children learn to torment you.
  8. Don’t use the word no around them when they are babies. They will learn it and immediately use it against you.
  9. Don’t try to keep them from farting/burping/etc. At least not if they are boys. Being in full control of their bodily functions is extremely important as at some point in their lives they will be involved in fart wars, burping contests, or peeing matches. You want your kid to rock these as they are an important test of manhood. Not being able to perform well at these events is almost as damaging as “throwing like a girl” or “screaming like a bi*#@”. Besides, everybody needs to be good at something and being able to fart the National Anthem without deucing himself could be your boy’s one and only claim to fame. Don’t take that away from him.
  10. Don’t sweat it if they say they hate you. They probably really do (or at least think they do). But really, who even cares?


Anything else you need to know about?

Seriously, I could go on for days.

But I won’t.

I’ll get to the part you really care about and let you go ahead and add your own links to Thank Me Later Thursday.

Please feel free to add my brand new, hand crafted, was-it-custom-designed-by-a-bloody-two-year-old? button to your post if you’re participating (or to your sidebar if you’re not, but you love me anyway).

(It's over there, on the left, down a little, under the other, above the rest.)

And, don't forget to head on over to visit Kmama at The Daily Dribbles and link up to her Thank You Very Much link as well.

The Daily Dribbles

*PBD's If You Die Disclaimer*- Should you or anyone around you suffer fatal or irreparable injuries, including, but not limited to accidental loss of limb and fiery death (two of my biggest concerns), while carrying out any of the aformentioned jewels of advice don't look over here. I am ans UNofficial knower of stuff and as such can not be held accountable when my UNofficial advice causes your husband to leave you, your friends to desert you, or social services to make unscheduled visits to your house. If questioned I will deny. Wholeheartedly.


Shell said...

Not nice to make me laugh so hard that I almost woke up a child. That's a big no-no.

I love your child advice the most. Especially about having a hiding place built if necessary.

Unknown Mami said...

Love the button.

Alicia said...

oh my gosh you crack me up....alone time with an ice cream sandwich??? that's why i love you.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

priceless advice!

Michele said...

I will thank you now for making hot tea come out my nose tonight!!
I think that has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read ~ NOT EVEN KIDDING!

I popped over from KMama, and am so excited that I found you. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but your writing and humour is brilliant! Looking forward to following along!

My cheeks hurt after reading the guide to motherhood stuff! Holy crap that was funny.

Love the button. Grabbing the button. Posting the button on my "Cool site of the Day" today!

I must hear "I hate you" at least 3 times a day! I must be doing something right ;)

singedwingangel said...

lmbo you are too funny and sadly enough brutally honest.. putting your button on my page. Just cause I like ya so much

SupahMommy said...

find a good hiding place.. lmao...

and tape "words"

LOVE it.

parentingBYdummies said...

Okay, I know I'm a dummy but I think I fixed the button. You know, if you still wanna help:)

BJ_Mama said...

You had me CRACK.ING. UP!

angie said...

This is so awesome that I'm going to add a link back here to my advice post.

I loved seeing that skeleton fall out of the closet.

You never fail to amaze, inspire and make me almost pee my pants.

Shana said...

Love, love, love your advice!

Mama Zen said...

This is hilarious!

Mira said...

I think I used the tears thing on husband too much in the 6 years we've been together. No longer works. Oh well. The rest all makes sense which is scary since mine are only 2. I can sense it's coming at me. 3 boys PLUS a girl. I guess I still might make it...

Buckeroomama said...

LOL! Great advice, dealt with a side dish of humor. :)

Penney said...

Oh my God, this is hilarious. I love it. Laughing out loud at work. (No, I don't read blogs at work, why would you think that?)

Jennifer said...

Great advice. Even though it took me like two hours to read it because I'm so frickin' swamped. Two more days.... two more days....

Rachel said...

I am dying about the man remodeling, and what it takes to sneak an ice cream sandwich. (Not that that ever happens around here).

Thanks for the empathy! :)

Tracie said...

Love your advice! You should teach a webinar.

Audrey said...

New reading your blog and you are so funny that I will keep coming back for more!

Kekibird said...

Ok so where were you, like, 7 years ago when I *didn't* sleep with my roommate. Could have used your dating advice then...

Oh and thanks!

Rudy Rukus said...

K you are FUNNY!! Thanks for the tips too bad I didn't read this like 10 years ago haha.

CaJoh said...

Hooking up with someone in a rich apartment reminds me of the movie "How to marry a millionaire" in which the women have a penthouse to which they lure millionaires even though they don't have enough money to pay the rent though the entire year.

What wonderful words of advice, thanks for sharing.

Working Mommy said...

Oh, I am with on the eating all you really is the only time you have an excuse!!


Kmama said...

I'm laughing so hard at the "don't bother to cook" one. IT"S SO TRUE! And also the one about finding new friends when you get pregnant. LOL

Thanks for the blurb and for linking up with me.

This was awesome!! I'm sure you'll have a lot of people linking up next week!

Anonymous said...

Can I just say "DITTO"! Love it!

Kelly said...

So cute and funny...thank you!!

Crayon Wrangler said...

OK so I had this little babe a mere month ago (in addition to the 4yo and 2 yo running around) and see...well, my bladder is, for good.

Now (after reading your brilliant post) my chair that I was sitting in is, for good.

PBD + faulty bladder = ruined chair.

Dude, you owe me like $50 for upholstery cleaning.

Now following you to keep up.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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