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Friday, January 29, 2010

RanDumb: Rich and Famous

Once again it’s on (doo doo, doo doo, I know, my music references work WAY better in my head).

Anyway, welcome back for another RanDumb week in which Dumb Mom shares an entire week’s worth of moronic news with you just to take the focus off of her own mistakes while simultaneously boosting her self esteem causing her to talk in the third person like other people who have highly inflated egos (ie Karl Malone, please tell me you know who this is.).

And, since the dummies of Tinsel Town have been quite active this week I decided to focus on them a bit.

Really, poking fun of celebrities is like one of my most favoritest past times. Just ‘cause they spend so much time poking fun of me.

Okay, so maybe no celebrity has actually poked fun directly at me exactly. But, I would argue that, wearing all those expensive, fashionable clothes, and looking all gorgeous, and thin, with their perfect hair and their flawless skin and then rubbing it in by having their pictures taken and plastered all over the place is pretty much like the exact same thing.

I know you’re probably thinking I’m overreacting because they don’t do that on purpose and some of them claim that they don’t even enjoy it. Or, because even if they do enjoy it it’s not like it’s personal or intentionally done in order to damage my self-esteem or that of young girls.

But, whatever.

Don’t be trying to poke holes in my theory. My overwheling sense of guilt can’t take it. I can only talk crap about people who deserve it. My good conscious won’t allow me to sleep at night otherwise.

Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m about to start celebrity bashing; you know how I love me some celebrities.

I’m just gonna tell you why some of them are RanDumb.

Why don’t we start with Taylor “The Cuckoo” Swift?

No, silly not cuckoo like crazy, cuckoo like bird.

‘Cause she’s making her newly acquired home into a creepy-Michael-Jackson-inspired-Never land-of-horrors fantasy land.

It will be completely redone to include a moat (you know, for protection), a brass telescope (for looking at the night sky, but not the real night sky, the one PAINTED on her ceiling), and a human sized BIRDCAGE(because every young go-go dancer girl needs a cage of their own)?

Insert spooky music.

Ya see? This is what happens to people who don’t grow up with normal lives. They go bat-crap crazy.

Which is why I’m glad that Hubby and I spend a good chunk of time being broke as a joke. Wouldn’t want our kids to get all, what are they calling it to make it sound less bad than nuts? Oh yeah…quirky.

Yeahright.

I could totally live with quirky kids if I could also live with Justin Timberlake Mariah Carey’s closet, Kim Kardashian’s body, and Oprah’s bank account.

Anyway, Taylor going off the deep end is actually sorta sad because I really love her. I just can’t jump on board her her crazy train if she goes that route.

I’m scared of crazy.

But it is a little funny…

At least when it shows up on my favorite, most RanDumb show of all time: American Idol.

I know these hopefuls are not rich or famous, but they are all 100% convinced that they are gonna be. And that is like pretty much the same thing. Seriously, ask ‘em.

So, who made us LOL this week?

Biggest LOL Worthy Audition of Week 3

Two words: Dexter. Please-stop-winking-before-I-swallow-my-tongue Warren.

Okay, that was maybe a little more than two words, but I’m not sure Dexter would notice so you shouldn’t either.

He may not have strong command of the English language, but dang it, at least he’s got an (arguable if you ask me) amazing smile.

That’s it for Idol Idiots this week. Everyone else was either a decent singer or just so horribly bad that they weren’t even funny, just sad. Very, very sad.

Or actors?

I’m starting really believe that some of the “contestants” are just really great actors because I don’t believe that they can really be as socially awkward, fashion backwards, or hideously tone deaf as they portray.

I mean seriously.

Look at this guy…

Unreal.

Last but not least, let’s discuss the reality TV nightmare of the century: Nadia Suleman.

Yep, the one, the only, Octomom (who should technically be Quattuordecmom, because she actually has like 14 kids, right?).

But, her latest dumb act is attempting to convince me that this is for real:

octomom

Honestly?

How dumb do you think I am?

No one is dumb enough to believe that you can go from this…

octomom preg

AHHH! Sorry, scared me!

to this

octomom bikini

without any kind of enhancements, intervention, or pain (that’s what she told the magazine at least).

No. Effing. Way.

That stretch mark erasing cream doesn’t work that well (or even at all really).

And, where’d all the post-abdomen-stretched-to-the-ends-of-the-earth leftover belly skin get to?

I mean, not that I’m a great example or anything, but after carrying 3 kids, on 3 separate occasions, I’ve got a belly pouch up front like a kanga-friggin-roo.

It would be so helpful if it had a slit in the top, maybe a fleece lining? Then I could carry the toddler around in it during the winter.

Or, like what if it had a zipper, or a Velcro flap on top? Then I could put spare change in it, maybe the cell phone and car keys?

Would totally replace those nightmare fanny pack thingys that somehow got taken as an acceptable fashion item in the late 80’s. Those godforsaken freaks of fashion nature that should have burned like a 1690s witch in Salem, but somehow still manage to find their way into people’s drawers these days.

We could call it a Belly Bag, or a Tummy Tote, or, um… an Abdo-purse.

That has a very nice ring. Abdo-purse. Don’t let all that flabby belly skin go to waste, have it turned into and Abdo-purse!

Anyway, what’s your take on it?

Do you think she worked it off (being a single parent with no help and a butt load of kids is hard work; not that she would know), got it cut off, or had it airbrushed into oblivion?

Want to enjoy more random flavored fun?

Head on over to Mrs.4444’s and check out her Friday Fragment post. You can link up or just hang out and enjoy the fun.

<a href="http://mrs4444awards.blogspot.com/2009/03/friday-fragments.html" target="_blank"><img alt="Mommy's Idea" src="http://i520.photobucket.com/albums/w323/CarbaraB/Blog%20Graphics/scan00022-1.jpg"/></a>

But don’t go until after you tell me how you think Octomommy accomplished the surgery-free-non-invasive tummy tuck. I’m in wicked need of one of those.

11 comments:

4 Lettre Words said...

I actually have moat on my list for our next house!

Maggie S said...

Is it Friday already? Crap.

I had one of those tummy thingys when I was 18 and weighed 100 pounds. No amount of exercise and diet...

Karl Malone played in the NBA and his nickname was The Admiral. I know you didn't ask. It's a condition...

Kmama said...

LMAO at the idea of an abdo-purse. I just read that part to the hubs and i couldn't stop laughing. You crack me up.

Evonne said...

I really should watch American Idol. At least the auditions for a laugh. I think Octomom is full of crap. I know some women lose all pregnancy weight asap, but she was carrying 8. Something's fishy!

Shell said...

I hadn't read about Taylor's house.Crazy. I love her music, though if I hear you belong to meeeeeeeeeeeeee one more times, my ears might start to bleed.

I saw the octomom cover, too. Um, yeah, total b.s.

Shana said...

She's full of poop is what she is!

Michele said...

The abdo-purse ~ classic.

Sign me up for one of those.
That was a great post.

Thanks for the morning chuckle ;)

BlogBaby said...

So much that could be commented on regarding this post, so much in fact that I struggle to narrow it down therefore I will save my comment for Maggie S's comment and say this:

"Girl, you's got your facts all wrong! Karl Malone is "The Mailman" because "the Mailman always delivers", "The Admiral" is David Robinson formerly of the San Antonio Spurs." Seriously, you best get that condition checked out...;)

Jennifer said...

Totally cute off. HAD to have been. I saw that in line at walmart the other day and laughed out loud in the checkout lane. For real. Not likely.

TheCrunchyWife said...

oh my gosh...I hadn't seen the pictures of octo-mom. yikes.

I'm following you from MBC! If you get a chance, please stop by my blog :) www.thecrunchywife.blogspot.com

Jenny :)

angie said...

I saw those pictures and thought the same thing. How stupid do they think we are? I've had 2 at once and know the havoc it wreaks. She's had 8 at once and a bunch of others besides? AND, I 've never, ever, ever seen stretchmarks disappear. And that she doesn't have any loose skin, give me a break.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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