Make New (i)friends Monday: Never True Tales

Some people lie,
and some people don't
Some people try,
and others just won't

Well Amy don't lie,
but she likes to tell stories.
about chocolate and pie
and what makes her horny.

Okay, that's not right.
She's the one with the boys
who get into fights
with their lunches for joy.

She's the one who shares
about pit stops for kids,
because she cares
where your kid takes a whiz.

So thank Amy with
a visit or two
or I will get miffed
and drop kick you fool!

Spend a few moments with my girl Amy, and then, when you're all done, you can watch the video to see who was crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the first ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

And, I know whow ya'll like to get outta watching the videos, but you have to watch it if you wanna know who won; or you have to count up all 103 votes on your own.

I'm evil, aren't I?!

So today, I’ve been invited to be parenting By dummies’ ifriend, and don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be here, but I’m a bit intimidated, too. If you hadn’t noticed, PBD is one cool chick. Like, first-girl-in-junior-high-to-
not-only-get-a-bra-but-learn-that-Flashdance-trick-of-removing-it-through-her-ripped-tee-sleeves cool. And as you’ll learn, I’m…not. Just never came naturally to me, you know? Like hats. I could never wear hats, but my sister could. Effortlessly. She even pulled off those big bowed headband numbers.

I digress, but yeah, being an ifriend here at PBD is pretty much like getting invited to Jennifer Cascas’ 8th grade boy-girl party all over again. That time, I ended up standing in the corner repeatedly flipping through a back issue of Redbook Jennifer’s mom had left on the end table of the couch so I’d look all preoccupied and busy and not at all awkward, and it’s true: I learned loads about summer-time smoothies that make a splash, but this time, I’m determined to do better. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So this is me, front and center. Doing awkward things. (Imagine Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, but not as successful. Or as funny. Or on TV. Or fictional. What the what?) My point is, I’m going to be proactive. In the event you click over to Never-True Tales and take a look around, I want to make sure you and I are properly acquainted. To that end, I’ve compiled a short list of FAQs.

1. So Amy, who the heck are you, anyway? Where ya from? What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

How nice of you to ask. Most days, I don’t really know who I am, to be honest, which makes me just about like everybody else. I’m a wife, for starters, and I begin with that because for me, marriage came before most everything else worth mentioning: before the career, before the kids, before the blogging and the writing. Yep, I married young. It’s part of who I am. I’m the mother of three pretty awesome boys. I love having boys; I’m the first to admit I’d have no idea what to do with a girl…or her hair. Just thinking about all those clips and bands and scrunchies (do they still make scrunchies?) causes me to break out in a sweat.

Right now, I have about four jobs, none of which I’m paid for (much). I’m a savvy businesswoman that way. I’m deeply involved in a lifelong love affair with the outdoors; I’m a Search and Rescue volunteer, I’m a wilderness EMT, I’m a skier, I’m a runner. I’m an editor, or at least I was, pre-kids. Oh, and I’m from Oregon. It’s beautiful here. You’d love it.

Lastly: Coldstone Creamery’s cake batter ice cream with dark chocolate shavings and fresh blackberries. That’s the best flavor of ice cream ever invented (by me, God‘s truth).

2. Speaking of which, what’s up with writing about things that are ‘never true’?

The Never-True Tales are in fact, always true. The name of the blog was inspired by my youngest son Toby, who used to tell long, impossibly nonsensical stories in which he was always super-something: super strong, super smart, super speedy, super-more-amazing-than-his-brothers. In hindsight, he may have had an inferiority complex of some sort.

3. So, what do you have on offer over at NTT? Contests? Free stuff? What? Gimme.

Erm, not much in the freebie department, sadly. Ditto on lots of ads and promos. I figure I’ll sell out when I’m good and ready (like when someone wants to send my family to Disney World), but in the meantime, I only host giveaways when there’s something too tempting for me to pass up. Like cookies. Every Friday, I host Won’t You Be My Neighbor, for which I have awesome guests like PBD. Every so often, I revive a series called Open Letter To…Tuesday, in which I write an open letter of complaint or apology to the subject of my choosing. It all began when Toby beat up a Subway sandwich under the bleachers of a ball game. But day-in, and day-out, it’s pretty much WYSIWYG (shout out to all you design-types out there). What you see is what you get: (hopefully solid) writing. Memoir. Anecdotes to which I hope you can relate. Lots of questions. Very few answers.

4. You talk a lot about query letters and outlines and word counts. Are you a published author or something?

No, I’m not, but thanks for bringing it up. That smarts. Seriously, I do publish poetry on occasion, and I also write fiction (short stories and novels). I’m constantly in a latest edit of one thing or another, and so yeah, you’ll occasionally hear me sobbing quietly to myself about a particularly stubborn paragraph or the latest rejection. I try to keep it down.

5. Don’t you have another blog, too? I swear I’ve seen pictures of these same kids on travel forums while I was endlessly researching spring break fares.

Why yes, thanks for asking. I have a travel site called Pitstops For Kids. I’m quite fond of it, actually. Its purpose is to provide parent reviews of places to stop and play (or stay) along major interstates and in airports while traveling as a family…you know, to alleviate the horror of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Now? NOW?” I hope you’ll stop by!

6. Your blog is ok, I guess, but can you recommend others? What makes for a good blog? Any deal-breakers?

There are as many good blogs as there are tastes in blogs.There are many I love, all for different reasons. Some inspire me with the written language, some teach me how to bake cinnamon rolls. Others just make me laugh. Generally, you'll find my favorites on my blog roll (which I frequently swap out to keep the list manageable). My personal deal-breakers are few: if you have something worth saying, I'll listen. That said, if you can't remember when to use there/they're/their, or routinely use its/it's interchangeably, I will move on. Call me a snob, but it can't be helped.

7. Wow, the more I get to know you, the more intellectual and literary and generally amazing you seem to be! (Haha) Surely you have some vices?

Well, I bite my nails. And really have a hard time watching my mouth. My kids throw up on the living room rug and talk back and mortally embarrass me at church just like yours do. Probably worse. Luckily for you, I spill all about it. I follow certain TV series like some people follow baseball or NASCAR…which is to say, obsessively. And I have my guilty pleasures: coughTwilightcough. You don’t fall farther from grace than that. (Especially if you hold an English Lit degree.) You won’t catch me talking about it at Never-True Tales, though, unless I’m recounting my run-in with the elderly over a paperback copy in Goodwill (and I do mean run-in) or writing a letter of complaint to Summit Entertainment. Sometimes I get overly worked up over the environment, but I have a column for that, so you’re usually safe. In short, I tend to find causes or series or ideas to get excited about from time to time, but I work very hard to contain that excitement, like a puppy trying not to piddle all over the carpet. It can be a struggle.



And wow, I’m going to leave you with that image. Told you this would be awkward. Anyway, many thanks to Amanda for having me here! I’d be honored to be her friend any day!

And here is the moment you all (aka the 8 entrants and the people they forced to vote for them) have been waiting for.

Only, I have to warn you about something...

The soundtrack is pretty ADULT ONLY (so don't play it while your kids are in the room!).

There are a coupla F-bomb in their that I somehow forgot about. Seriously, I noticed cursing in songs in the 90s about as often as I noticed the pain on the walls.

You've been officially warned so please don't leave in comments about how morally corrupt I am. Never said I wasn't:)

P.S. Wanna win and EXTRA ENTRY in my current giveaway? Watch the video & leave a comment congratulating the winner!

Blog Dawg 2010

Is ready to be chosen.

The fan favorite winner will be gifted a copy of Corel Digital Studio 2010, the awesome photo editing and movie making software, and the Dumb Mom fave will get to select a low value because I bought it with my own cheese gift card option from a number of lovely places that will make their hearts flutter with excitement (or with the over abundance of caffeine).

Here’s how it works…

First watch the video because it is funny!*

If you are a contestant…

…be sure to blog and tweet all about your entry so that people who love you in spite of your Fugly Face Photo will know to come vote for you. And call or text or send all of your friends a page (remember when people used to say, “hit me on the hip”? Were you one of those people?) and tell them you will end them if they don’t to come vote for you.

…don’t bother voting for yourself, you can vote for others or keep noticeably silent through the process. I feel like it’s safe to assume that you would pretty much pick yourself to win all of the awesome prizes so no need to remind me.

…prepare your acceptance speech; the winner will be Monday’s ifriend and I doon’t want no kinda bullcrap acceptance post. This is a big deal, people, not everyone can claim a prestigious title like Blog Dawg of the year.

If you are a voter…

…Make sure you don’t try to vote anonymously. I will know that you are simply Jen @ Momma Made it Look Easy someone voting for herself repeatedly.

…come back and vote every day. Every person can place one vote per day (unless you have several accounts, and then, by all means, feel free to log in numerous times and vote multiple times per day; I will honestly never figure you out because I am too dumb to notice and too lazy too care. Plus, if you work that hard to cheat your blog buddy deserves to win!).

---have fun and kick yourself for not entering. And then, promise yourself that you will remember to check back here at the beginning of May to be sure that you don’t miss the next one!

Now here they are.

Blog Dawg Contestants of the year…

Appearing from left to right, top to bottom in random order..

1. Kmama from The Daily Dribbles

2. Mary Mac from Pajamas and Coffee

3. Sunday from WYSIWYG

4. Mama Jules from All You Need is Love

5. Jennifer from Chaos Wrapped in Chocolate-Covered Grins

6. Angel from Angel Believes

7. Jennifer from Momma Made it Look Easy

8. Supah Mommy from Adventures of a Wannabe Supah Mommy

Now, make ‘em proud.

Choose your favorite most fugliest photo, leave the number of your choice in the comments section, repeat Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and then come back on Monday to congratulate the fugly winner!

Be instrumental in helping your fugly friend win the multimedia suite of their dreams and she just might edit your photos for you!

P.S. In case you missed it today is Bruncle's birthday which is why he earned an honorable place in the Blog Dawg Year Book. How's that for an awesome gift?! Being my lil brother does have it's perks!

*What's even more funny than the photos are all of my spelling errors since I made it in such a sleep deprived stupor I'm surprised it even works!

Thank Me Later Thursday: Miley Edition

Welcome back to another week of Thank Me Later Thursday, where you get to join me in telling people why they should be thanking me for the awesomeness I've allowed them to experience.

Seriously, you should join me; it's FUN!

And, for extra points ('cause I'm totally keeping score), I also try to make sure that all of my Thank Me Later Thursday posts fit nicely with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts (which for this week is: A song you can’t escape).

It's sort of a competition I have going on with her.

A secret one.

That she doesn't know about.

Shhhh! I'm totally winning!

So, who is this week's lucky recipient of the Thank Me Later honor at Casa de Dummies?

#3!

Because as I have aged, my music preferences have mysteriously decided not to. My way of staying youthful, keeping in touch with the younger generation, forcing the fact that I'm hip, I'm cool down my children's throats?

Possibly.

Point is, if you have a teenage daughter at home chances are good the two of us are listening to the same stuff.

For example, should you go to the section on my ipod that says, "Recently Played" you will discover tracks such as "Kiss Me Through the Phone", by Souljaboy Tell 'Em (yes, after years in the music biz this mental giant decided to expand his name to include a verb and an abbreviated pronoun; explanation not provided), "One Time", by Justin Beiber (a song which prompted Dumb Dad to inquire about my infatuation with young boys. Don't peg me pervy, it's not any young boys! Only best selling artists and manly muscled teen wolfs.), and one that baffles even me, "Party in the U.S.A." by none other than Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus (which is also my current cellphone ringtone. I know, it sounds horrible, but I seriously did it months ago just to bug Hubby and haven't ever changed it. You'd be surprised how people look at me in the grocery store when it rings!).

Anyway, point is that since #3 and I spend an exorbitant amount of our time together in the car and at home (where he has been deemed the ipod Nazi as he requires music that he selects to be playing AT ALL TIMES), we have developed a similar taste in music (although I have to admit that he is essentially ruining "Fireflies" by Owl City for me by requesting it, a word I use to mean screaming, "FIREFWIES! NOT DAT SONG, MOMMY! PWAY FIREFWIES!", repeatedly).

Take a moment to view the evidence:



Not bad for a just-turned-2-year-old, right? And, did you see the part where he was droppin' it like it's hot? Yeah, I taught him that!

So, here you have it, #3s special Miley-inspired-Thank-Me-Later:

Hey, #3, don't worry about it, you can Thank Me Later. You know, for turning you into a pop-songcessed child with the music taste of a tween girl. You may become the laughing stalk of your high school class if this continues (can you imagine him singing this in the locker room while he dresses for football?!), but the hours we've spent dancing and singing together in the kitchen will be priceless memories that you will be able to cherish for a lifetime. And, just in case you forget, there are hours of videotaped evidence (see above) that I won't hesitate to pull out (in front of skanky fast little hookers in training girls) to remind you of our happy times. So did you want to go ahead and thank me now or wait until your Super Sweet 16 birthday party to do it (and yes, MTV original shows have become quite a good friend to me as well)? Either way works for me. XOXO, Your-golly-aren't-you-lucky Dumb Mom

Wanna play along?

It's easy!

Just grab a button from my sidebar (you don't have to, but you will make me happy, and that is optimal for both of us. 'Cause I know people. Important people. Just sayin'.), put it on your blog, link back to me, and add your link to the hand dandy Mr. Linky box (which I paid $10 for so make it worth it, people!).

How easy is that?

So very.

And then, once you've shared your fantastic story about why you're awesome while people around you are busy causing you to questions the rules against forced sterilization, you can send me you 90's inspired photo so that you have a chance to be crowned parenting BY dummies Blog Dawg of the year.

Not because you're particularly proud of the fact that you spent half of your adolescence hiding in the bathroom from mean girls, but because now that you are a happily for today, not sure about next week married, successful laid off and getting fat corporate diva, or a blissful accidental, and waiting 'til they're 18 mother, you can turn around to all of those high school haters and say, "In yo face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place."

Seriously, how fun is that?

So. Very.

Round the Way Girl: A Contest!

Today is an exciting day here at parenting BY dummies.

But, in an effort to stick to traditions and keep myself on a schedule, I’ve decided not to forgo Ask Me Monday (I know how much ya’ll love it!).

But, as I am, the creative director around this piece I have decided to change it up a wee little bit.

Not much, I swear, you’ll barely even notice.

But, instead of answering your direct questions, I’m going to answer the underlying one that has at some time crossed each and every one of your minds:

Who is Dumb Mom really?

Not my birth name or my married name. Those things are trivial (and not gonna be divulged unless you hunt me down which is a metaphor for GO TO THE SITS BLOGGY BOOT CAMP IN BALTIMORE WHERE I WILL BE NEXT MONTH).

What you want to know (don’t ask me how I know this, I just do) is who is the woman behind the pretty face? Who is the real Dumb Mom? What makes her tick and where did she come from anyway?

And, as poetry is sorta my thing nowadays, I’ve decided to answer your query with a poem of sorts (borrowed from a sexy star and reimagined, aka stolen mercilessly, to apply to me)…

I was a girl, no extensions just long hair,

wanted bamboo earrings, at least two pair.

A Fendi bag and a bad attitude,

was not my thing, I didn’t like to be rude.

I could walk with a switch, but I lacked in street slang.

Not quite a woman but I still did my thing.

Never at a bus stop, but loved me some lollipops

Once I got jumping* was hard to make this hottie stop.

I liked to dance to the rap jams.

I was sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams.

Honey coated complexion,

What the hell is Camay?

Let’s hear it for me ya’ll I’m from around the way.

Please tell me you recognize this little ditty.

Ladies Love Cool Jay?

Mama Said Knock You Out, circa 1990?

Hottest effing hip hop star to ever walk this earth (okay, tied for hottest with T.I. and only not second to JT because, well, JT is not really a hip hop artist even though he pretends to be from time to time)…

View Full Album

Is he even human?

Okay, if you are confused right now because you are some strange freak of nature whose 1990s music collection did not include LL Cool J just bear with me. There is a method to this madness.

As hot as Mr. Smith (that’s his boring real name) is, it is not his sexy that I’m meaning to call attention to in this post, but his significance to a time period that I can not forget: 1990 .

It was an awesome year. It jumped off an entire decade of unforgettable music, fashion styles, movies and television shows.

So many lovely things got their start in the 90s.

Great movies: Austin “Danger” Powers, Dumb and Dumber, Happy Gilmore, Steel Magnolias, Sleepless in Seattle, Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Boyz in da Hood, The Matrix, Jurassic-freakin’-Park. I mean I could go on for days about just the movies.

But there were tons of other cool things too!

Television shows sorta made names for themselves in the 90s. I know that’s when I became the serious television connoisseur that I am today.

I was hooked on stuff like Beverly Hills 90210 (the real one), Melrose Place (the one worth watching), Friends, Seinfeld (which I honestly didn’t start watching until I was in college and it started the reruns every night), The X-Files (which I only watched because I wanted to seem all deep and smart for Hubby who loved the stupid show), and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (back when Will Smith was funny).

And then there was the music, and the fashion, and O.J. (I’m talking about The Juice, not the juice), and the Internet, to which we owe our lives.

But perhaps the most significant creation of the 90s was me!

Now, I’m not young enough to claim that my momma actually squeezed me out during the 90s, but I can say that since I completed some of middle school, all of high school, and most of college during the 90s, my social persona, awkward though it may be, was largely formed during this time.

Sadly, this is the foundation upon which it was built…

Yes, friends, that is your beloved Dumb Mom circa 1992.

Hair feathered with a ridiculous amount of hint of frizz, Al B. Sure unibrow, bad dental work (I think I’m actually missing a tooth!), crazy shirt, all tied together with a tarnished, but arguably stylish gold chain.

Shameful.

I coulda used a stern talking to (which I distinctly remember getting) re:my senseless disregard of approved grooming practices and fashion dos.

It’s a wonder that I turned out to be the looker I am today (actually, I’m not much improved but at least my parents caved on got the braces. Changed. My. Life.).

As Bruncle used to say, I was a “hot mess”.

But, I’m okay with that. And, do you want to know why?

Why I am willing, even eager, to share this hideous depiction of the girl formerly known as Bulldog (ask BFF, I kid you not, they called me that in high school and anytime you are compared to a dog of any sort you can pretty much imagine that things ain’t going your way in the dating department)?

Because I’m pretty certain that many of you looked similarly bad and you’re gonna prove it!

Because today is the launch of parenting BY dummies First Ever FUGLY FACE PHOTO CONTEST!

That’s right people. A vintage photo contest celebrating the fact that we all weren’t candidates to be cast in Clueless (another awesome 90s hit) unless we wanted to play Tai (RIP Brittany Murphy).

Some of us were physically awkward with personalities to match.

But lucky for us, we’ve all grown up to be moderately productive, somewhat well-rounded, reluctantly responsible members of society.

So, wanna join me in celebrating the awkward years?

Want to be crowned the PBD’s 1990s Inspired BLOG DAWG of the Year?!

All you have to do to get involved is email me (parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot]com) a wicked bad photo of yourself from the 90s. You know what I’m talking about. You in 3 pairs of slouchy socks and LA Gear to match, mile high bangs, tight rolled jeans, Hammer pants (come on they were comfy, you know you had a pair), head gear adorned braces, Proactive worthy acne, those glasses that make your eyes look all small. That kinda stuff. And say I’m allowed to have my way with it (aka post it on my blog and make fun of it).

Then you wait until February 12th, when the last qualified entry hits my inbox, and you start campaigning (on your blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, by sending me cash bribes in discreetly marked envelopes).

Because what you want is votes.

Votes that say you really are owner of the Fugliest Face from the 90s so that you, as fan favorite Blog Dawg, can win a copy of Corel's Digital Studio 2010 (a photo editing and movie making software program).

How awesome is that?

So very, if you ask me!

More info to come throughout the week, but get those entries dug out and sent in because there will also be daily prizes** awarded to Tweeters (people who Tweet about the contest even if they don’t actually enter will be eligible for daily prizes too) and entrants also!

And, just because I am a huge control freak, there will also be a Dumb Mom Favorite awarded too for Fugly Photo that Made Me Pee a Little (aka laughed-so-hard-I-messed-myself photo, aka should-be-punished-in-a-court-of-law photo).

Now, chop, chop people.

Time’s awastin’ and you know you wanna be crowned Blog Dawg of the Year in the First Ever Fugly Face Photo Contest.

Even if you are convinced, as I am, that you were your high school’s version of Kelly/Cher/other super cool high school heroine, there is at least one photo to claim other wise. We all have them. For some they will be the class picture that showed up in the yearbook (see above). But for others, they may be a fluke or a one-time deal snapped by your mom with your dorky little brother ruining it like always (see below). Either way they’re out there.

And, even if you had Poison airbrushed on your backside (which would indicate that you really did think you were all that and a bag of chips) I encourage you to enter them, they are just as more funny now than they were then. Trust me.

Prestigious title (being named official Blog Dawg of 2010)+awesome prize (your own copy of Corel Digital Studio)=worth the embarrassment.

*not sure what this sentence actually meant, so I changed it to “jumping”, as in rope. It was 1990 for crying out loud, I was 12!

**daily prizes are funded by moi which means they are mediocre. But, they are free so no reason not to participate. We both know you’ll do just about anything for some free junk!