The Bachelor: Meet the Parents

Hometown dates.

Seriously my favorite part of the Bachelor every season.

Because it’s the time when all of the drunken, stumbling, neurotic, slutty skeletons come tumbling out of the hopefuls’ closets.

I know they screen the girls very closely, but I’m not so sure they look too deeply into the people behind the girls.

Do they see if the mom is a tarot card reading psycho psychic? 

Do they find out if the step brother is secretly in love with you?

Because you know, that could be awkward.

As was the case for Gia and her wannabe mafia brother.

He sorta, kinda slipped an underhanded threat to Jake, or did no one else hear him say something about breaking Jake’s legs?

And her mom.

Short dress, NY accent, some sort of gypsy sixth sense about people (but don’t send her your cash just yet, if Reality Steve is to be believed her readings are pretty far off).

Things were as boring as usual between Gia and Jake and he was outta there in a NY minute.

And off to see Ali and her Granny ghost in Massachusetts.

I know, I shouldn’t poke fun of the dead, and I’m not.  I swear I’m not.

I’m poking fun of Ali who is still alive and kicking.

But honestly, the whole dead granny bit was kinda creepy.

Why did they even go to the deserted haunted house with the lone mantle photo shrine?

So he could “meet her” and get “accepted into the family”?

Weird, dude.

Seriously weird.

I’m sure Jake thanked her profusely for her personal hometown ghost tour and will be asking Gia’s mom for a cleansing should they meet again.

As for the living members of Ali’s family they all seemed pretty average (aside from his mom admitting that she did a little pre-visit cyber stalking of old Jakey; the act itself isn’t off putting per se since we all do it, it’s the admission that was a little unconventional.).

As for her gut (and her gut feeling about needing to get ready to plan a wedding), she should get her gut in touch with Ali’s employers because I think her boss would say that she might want to hold her wedding planning horses. 

So, after Massachusetts, Jake was off to the set of So You Think You Can Dance see Tenley and her ex.

Wait, he wasn’t there?

Are you sure because E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E was talking about him?

But, despite their obsession with The EX, The Tenley’s were cute (and mostly normal which is a plus).

Dad Tenley is maybe going through male menopause though (is that real?) because he cried and admitted that he actually watches The Bachelor.  I guess twenty some odd years with a house full of women will do that to ya (Supah Daddy better look out!).

This particular hometown date ended on a bit of a strange note: Jake asked for permission to marry Tenley. 

Very honorable and all that, but what about the previous two ladies (or the one after)?

Creative editing?  Lack of interest (in marrying them)?  Or, was it that Gia had a step dad, that Ali had no dad, or that Vienna had a creepy dad?

Curious???

But not as curious as The Backwoods Viennas (tell me you heard that funky music!).

Honestly they weren’t even that bad.

They seemed like normal, everyday kinda people.

Even the part where Daddy Vienna took Jake out to the shed and threatened his life had a man-to-man with him was not overly surprising (you know, it’s a stereotypical dad move) nor was the revelation that The Viennas made about the fact that chicks don’t tend to like her.

Of course they made it sound all positive (she’s really competitive and driven and women can’t handle that), and as a former girl-other-girls-don’t-like let me tell you, sometimes we really are just misunderstood (although based on what I’ve seen of Vienna, she’s coming across loud and clear!).

And then…

At the most dramatic rose ceremony to date…

A decision must be made.

And, an unexpected turn of events causes one girl to make a choice and take herself out of the running for Jake’s heart.

Why?

Basically, because Jake couldn’t guarantee Ali that he was gonna pick her and take care of her for ever and ever on his pilot’s salary, she had to go back to her job because if she didn’t they were gonna kick her to the curb.

You know this economy.

So she stomped into his room with her hair all askew and her baby doll dress and her baby doll voice and pouted and begged him to beg her to stay.

And he did.

Like a dog.  A sweet, nice, handsome-but-still-somehow-not-the-least-bit-attractive-to-me dog.

But since it was all an act for her since he didn’t say screw all the other hookers I want you since ABC loves the lover-wises-up-and-begs-for-another-shot scenario she left anyway.

It was sorta sad and if Jake were at all attractive to me (don’t get me wrong, the dude looks good, I just could never like him) I would probably care more, but since I don’t…

Gia, Tenley, and Vienna are the leftovers.

  

Let’s see what happens next week in St. Lucia!

Hitting the Road with a…

Holy mobile home Batman!

Now instead of just acting like they fell out of a trailer they actually can!

Time’s a wastin’ so let’s jump right in and wrap our legs around this one!

What? Is it inappropriate to wrap your legs around someone (and make them carry you through a vineyard) on your first date?

Well, whatever, if Gia, queen of the most annoying laugh known to man, can do it, then I’m doing it to.

First Individual Date: The Vineyard

New York city girl, Gia was the lucky winner of this date, which was perfect because she’d “always wanted to go to a vineyard”.

Really?

She proclaimed early in the date that she used to be a huge, brutally bullied nerd.

So badly powned by her classmates that her parents took her outta school over it.

Guess that explains the enhancements.

Too bad there wasn’t something they could do about the whole baby talk thing…unless perhaps that’s part of her charm?

Anyway, she did some giggling, some hair tossing, and some kissing and bada bing, he gave her the rose.

Jake is so freakin’ easy I swear I could probably win him over.

Yeahright.

He doesn’t seem like he’d be into big, black, blogging, babes with belly bags, but maybe?!

Group Date: Pismo Beach

Dune buggies, Tenley being tossed down a cliff and eating a face full of sand sand surfing, Corrie and Jake chucking themselves awkwardly offa the dunes in a strange and awkward attempt to bond that really looked more painful than anything, followed by a nice fancy, get-the-sand-outta-your-ears-and-wear-a-tight-dress dinner.

Since there was so much cuckoo going on during it, let me just give you the highlights:

1. Ashleigh is NOT desperate. Never mind all the groping and rubbing and unreciprocated cuddling, she is NOT desperate, because she would never be “THAT girl”.

2. Ali is a biotch. I thought she was nice and sweet and cool at the beginning, but um, not so much. I’m surprised because I’m usually such a good judge of character. Like with Brittnie and her whole celibacy pact thingy, and Bill Clinton and his “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”, and Milli Vanilli. What? Don’t lie, you believed all that crap too. Especially the Brittnie thing. I mean JT is SO easy to resist and she doesn’t look like a whore at all.

3. Tenley is growing on me. Even though she is way TOO nice for my tastes, at least it seems real. She seems like a genuine person who is just inexperienced and naive. That’s forgivable. It’s stupid and naive that bugs the crap outta me.

4. Vienna is not even trying. I’m convinced that having the girls hate her was part of her make-him-feel-sorry-for-me strategy. Too bad it backfired tonight as Jake sat her down and gave her a talking to in which he blamed her for being hated. You know, because it’s her fault.

5. Jake likes Tenley more than Corrie. Obviously because he gave her the freakin’ rose, idiot. Get over, at least you didn’t get sent home.

Two-on-One Date: Big Sur

In the red (or was that coat magenta?) corner we have single mom, hairstylist, already had a one-on-one-with-her-kid-as-a-sidekick date with Jake, Ella.

And, in the black corner (why didn’t they take their coats off at the dinner table?) we have, wait what was her name? The chick he doesn’t pay attention to at all? Oh yeah, Karen? No, KATHryn.

And, who came out the victor?

NEITHER!

That’s right people, in an unexpected twist (that I’m sure ABC loved) our fly boy sent both of the chicks packing.

I’m not surprised (because he probably didn’t want to be an instant dad to Ella’s kid and or Kathryn’s whipping boy since she basically jumped down his throat about being ignored), but both of them were.

Did he have to actually burn the rose, though?

That was a little too I’m-gonna-get-you-sucka creepy for me.

The Rose Party/Ceremony

Another action packed event for the Bachelor and his harem the girls.

I learned so much:

1. Don’t use air quotes. It is dumb and it makes you look dumb when you use them.

2. Don’t waste your one-on-one time with Jake dissing other chicks. It is dumb and it makes you look dumb when you don’t get a rose and they do.

3. Don’t be yourself (instead you should pretend to be nice like Ali does). It is dumb and you look dumb when you do it.

4. Don’t wear an ill fitting off the shoulder black dress. Refer to number one above for a clear explanation as to why.

5. Don’t be Ashleigh or Jessie.

Yep, instead of sending just one girl home, in the most emotional rose ceremony to date (sounded just like Chris, right), Jake stopped the rose ceremony to consult with Mister-I’m-more-than-just-a-host-I-make-the-rules-in-this-biotch-Chris Harrison and wound up kicking two of the ladies to the curb.

They showed their intense, righteous indignation in classic dissed and pissed Bachelor fashion, reminding me that in spite of the corny clichés and over exaggerated twists I really do love this freakin’ show.

Join us next week as Jake parties in San Fran with Gia (The Ex-Nerd Turned Swimsuit Model), Vienna (The Out of the Closet Biotch), Corrie (The Lucky She Didn’t Pull a Hammy or Break a Wrist on the Dunes Hopeful), Tenley (The Virtual Virgin), and Ali (The Closet Biotch).

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On the Wings of Nice Guys Finish Last

Seriously, if I hear that phrase one more time this season I’m gonna board a commercial jet and slap a pilot in the name of Jake.

Oh. And button your shirt already.

We get it.

You are swole.

Your muscles are your best quality and we’ve seen them a bazillion times. I’m about to think you are nothing more than a hunky piece of man candy sent here specifically to pleasure me, I mean them, yeah, them with your dazzling smiling pecks, I mean face.

Okay.

Get some ice water in here for Dumb Mom stat!

The first group date included a photo shoot, a hot tub, and a conniving, competitive cat?

Vanity Fair totally scored by getting two Hustler models and an ex-beauty queen for their photo shoot. The only one flubbing it up was Christina (who went straight downhill from there to an eventual elimination).

And, naturally since there was a hot tub involved, the show wasn’t all about Jake disrobe-aliciousness.

The girls were getting’ nearly-nekkid wit it too.

Nowhere near as exciting.

At least not until the hobaggin’ got started.

I mean did someone really wrap her legs around him on the first date?

And she wasn’t even drunk.

But, Christina was.

So very drunk.

And, it wasn’t helping at all with her wet cat look.

Thankfully for her, Rozlyn (did I spell that as incorrectly as she did?) saved her from making a bigger fool of herself by showing up ready to stick her tongue strategically down his throat for an awkward, obviously calculated tongue bath.

And then came the corniest (most shamelessly ridiculous) one-on-one date in ABC Bachelor history.

It’s a little bit sad really because I was all about Ali and her aversion to aviation (which I am frankly quite suspicious about because I’m not afraid to fly, but I am SO not okay with getting into one of those toy airplanes and being hurled all over kingdom come) until the music started.

The On the Wings of Love song started playing.

The Jeffery. Freakin’. Osborne. On the Wings of Love song.

Yep. They really did that (and it’s only the second episode).

Luckily, Ali has a much more authentic personality than anyone in the first group so the shark jumpin’ music didn’t completely ruin it.

Almost.

But not quite.

Jeffery Osborne?

Chicago?

The only thing better was the creepy-stalker-psycho-Michelle music.

The music they played every time she got on camera.

Like when she learned she wasn’t on the group date card.

And, when she declared that she is not “ordinary” (or normal) like the other girls.

It’s a good thing she wasn’t on the last date.

She may have chucked one of them off the roller coaster (or drowned them in the bathroom toilet).

But at least she wouldn’t have to watch him kiss someone, because he didn’t (go figure!).

Maybe that is because at least one of them forbade him from doing that (and then teased him with it all night long like the tramp that she was so desperately pretending NOT to be…yeahright two episodes, that’s how long I give her “values”. Two. Nights.).

But, let’s get back to show-stealing-instability-girl, Michelle.

The chick has some definite issues.

The crying. The Hand-that-rocks-the-cradle voice. The mean girl vibe. All wasted because she is not even that tough to look at.

But…

BUT…

Her antics were not to be overshadowed by the biggest whore story to ever happen in Bachelor history (did I sound like Chris Harrison there?).

Rozlyn (the conniving one from above?) “entered into an inappropriate relationship” with one of the Bachelor staffers (aka she hooked up with the pool boy, or the producer, or whatever, behind the cabana) and was subsequently asked to leave the show.

It was all very emotional.

Chris almost cried when he was outing her.

Jake was surprised, because he thought “she could be the one” (really, Jake? She didn’t seem at al loose to you? Not at all?).

At least he wasn’t mad. He was “disappointed” (and teary eyed?).

As anti-tramp as I am, I’m with Rozlyn (who said she didn’t think her “personal life” was anyone’s business) on this one.

It’s not really a huge deal or a surprise, is it?

Okay, it was brash (and trashy).

But more surprising is the fact that all of these chicks are so defensive and crushed and broken up about it.

I’m not a huge liar myself, but how hard can it be to lie to someone you went out with once? Some people lie to the people they’ve been with (had a significant relationship with; had children with!) for years.

Infidelity sucks, but is it surprising?

After one date can it even be called that?

I know that she betrayed the entire premise of the show; the whole idea of giving love a real chance (which I’m not sure is even possible in this situation) and being genuine (are people genuine before the 5th date?) and open (I’d argue Rozlyn was the most open of all!) and stuff, but why does Jake get to be the only one who gets around?

Is it really fair that he gets 10 girlfriends while they all have to share him?

Rozlyn didn’t think so.

And, I’m not sure I do either, but I’m gonna keep watching anyway just to see if Michelle goes all Carrie White on the girls

Plus, the scenes from the next show are so enticing that I can’t not watch.

It would be a crime even.

So, here’s our Bachelor question of the week: Which girl DIDN’T cry after being eliminated at the rose ceremony? A Bachelor first I think?!

Make. It. Stop.

So... it started with five fools.

It ended with eight.

Let's back up, though, before I jump into the outrage.

It started with Reid, who honestly, I don't even remember because of all the drama that followed. We'll call him Joe Normal since there was no drama, no ugly, no crazy, no nothing. Just a regular, everyday dude, with a couple of parents. But, since he is putting up with all the crap, something must be wrong with him. Fool #1.

Then came Michael. And, were I not married, I would really go to wherever he and his identically cute brother live and jump their 25 year old bones. There. I said it. I'm totally for this guy because he's funny, and cute, and silly, and sweet, and maybe he is not for Jillian, but he is so totally for me. With much sadness, I call him Fool #2 (but, in my heart, I will call him Mine).

After that, she flew out to Sexyton, er, I mean Kipyton. He is Mr. Hot and Steamy. Complete opposite of Michael. And, since I am all about Michael, Kipyton is not my type, but he is obviously hers.

But, what was up with his mom? She was frightening. As was that awful singing crap that Jillian had to be a party to. If my parents behaved that way the first time they were meeting a guy that was still on the fence about me, I'd be very, very skeptical about my chances. He was okay, bu and his blues singing family earned him the title, Fool #3.

Jesse was next on the list. I've been rooting for him for a while. I think it's the standoffish-really-not-that-into-you-super-hot thing he's got going on. You know, he's the guy you know is not good for you, but you totally want him to be.

Into him, but, his brother was gross. Literally, he made me dry heave a little. I can't put my finger on it, but there was something about him that just geeked me out (guess she felt the same). And, to top it all off, he was so against Jesse getting married and having kids and stuff (no need to worry, Creepy Bro). Make that 4; Fool #4.

Then it started to get good.

She flew off to Nashville to visit with D-bag (aka Wes, aka Fool #5).

All I can say is that I'm like 98% convinced that Jillian is an idiot. Not to be mean, but seriously, how gullible can you be? I know he's all hot and swaggered up, but come. On.

Wes is OBVIOUSLY just not that into her.

Let me rephrase that. Wes is OBVIOUSLY not into her at all.

Pretty sure, if he thought it would advance his career, he would date me.

I mean, the guy introduced her to his band before he introduced her to his family.

At this point, I don't even care whether or not he likes her. I'm begging her to give the guy the boot just so we don't have to hear that wack ass song ever again.

And. And. Even if she couldn't put two and two together alone, and figure out that Wes is a creep, Jake piloted himself to wherever they were at and told her: WES HAS A GIRLFRIEND. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. WAKE UP, DUMMY!

But, alas, she was not trying to hear that. Ergo, Fool #6 (Jake for wasting his time) and Fool #7 (Jillian, for making a career outta getting played).

In all honesty, you really can't blame Wes, she makes it so very easy. What is that saying? Don't hate the player, hate the game. Never knew exactly the context of such a saying. Pretty sure this is it.

Plus, he really can't help being a douche since he comes from a family of similarly ill formed individuals. What was up with all that, "Guys are so jealous of you. Everyone wants to be you. Show me the money," bull crap his overly-made-up-please-be-my-pimp groupies sisters were talking?

Give me a break. He is not that fly.

And, just when I thought, "This must be over, Jillian can't possibly be tricked, duped, played, or bamboozled anymore. Enough is enough. It's not even funny anymore, it's a little bit sad. Wait, why are there like 30 minutes left?", in walks Ed?

Remember him? The guy who made me think there really are normal OMG-I'm-not-getting-fired-read-my-lips-b*t@#-it's-an-effing-recession people that accidentally on purpose find themselves on this show, come to their senses, and go back to their real lives. There goes that theory; Fool #8.

Is there really that huge of a shortage of hot chicks out there that you have to quit your job and come back to the one dating like 6 other dudes? The one who may or may not even give you a chance because she is to busy being played like a guitar (pun intended) by the constantly auditioning rock star?

Let me tell you, I know a girl (cough, BFF) who is pretty, funny, smart, and single, who is not seriously dating any guys so, if you know anyone (Michael, hint, hint, although I think Jesse is probably more her type)...

I'm thinking he wound up getting the ax at work anyway, and figured, "Eh, what else do I have to do? Might as well see if I can get that dumb chick to take me back."

And, surprise, surprise, it worked!

Maybe I'm just cynical because I don't believe that you are at all likely to realistically find true love in a situation so contrived as this.

Or, maybe I'm just pissed that she kicked off the two guys that I would totally, um... go to the movies with;).

Either way, I'm not really thinking this is going to turn out any better than Jillian's last encounter with Chris Harrison.

That dude is bad luck.

As always, anxiously awaiting next week:).

Photo of the Day & Those Darn Bachelors

We spent our weekend at the end of season soccer tournaments for #1 & #2.

This was the the best pic from the event.

Someone really had to go potty.

Just happy that this one time, it wasn't my kid announcing intimate details regarding body waste removal to the world.

'Cause honestly, this season, I spent as much time at the Slum Dog Millionaire outhouses as I did on the pitch.

And the Bachelors...

First, I am so in love w/that cute breakdancing-is-awesome-but-totally-not-a-real-job guy.

He's not for her; he would not make a good fiance for her (or anyone, at this point in his 25 year old life).

But, he's so cute and hilarious, and not just because I'm a horny, desperate housewife, cougar. Because I'm not.

Second, Jillian (as I've mentioned before) does not mind swappin' spit with the dudes. I'm pretty sure that, if you don't get slobbed down on your first one-on-one time with her, then you are NOT gonna get a rose. It's as simple as that.

Not saying she's a little freak or anything, but she definitely enjoys a little tongue.

Third, Jesse is hot.

Fourth, what was up w/that rose ceremony? It's crap like that that makes me think the show is a joke. When, in real life, is it ever cool to have a friend (aka Chris Harrison) stand there and grill your boyfriend (or boyfriendS) about other women?

Guys would not be okay with that.

Or, when is it ever even remotely okay to bring up a guy's official "status" on the like second date?

And, is it EVER okay to cry and get all emotional and snarky like that with the dude you are casually dating?

Real life, guy would "lose" your number, and tell his friends you are psycho.

Bachelorette life, they like you even more. What-Ever.

Fifth, what was up with Dave? He was seriously like some kinda ridiculously inappropriate, drunk, trucker (wait he really is a trucker, right) who enjoyed the taste of shoe leather because he spent SOOOO much time with his big, stupid steel toed boot in his mouth. And, normally I'm kinda into that (the inappropriate part; you know how I feel about swagger), but he was way beyond the normal, sexy amount of swagger, to the full blown wife beating, bare-foot-and-pregnant amount of swagger.

Not cool.

Finally. Juan was a bonafide d-bag. Can. Not. Take. That dude. He really is the exact opposite of Dave. So glad I won't have to put up with his simpy attitude anymore.

Can't wait till next week.

Predict she will cry at least 4 times.

A Knock on the Door...

And it's shoes!

Shoes in the mail. Yeah for me!

I didn't even have to leave the comfort of my couch to obtain this lovely treat.

They arrived in their green adorned, Piperlime box courtesy of one special lady known around here as Mimi.

My mommy sent me shoes!!!!

Moms know you best no matter how old you get (remember that boys, no woman will ever know you the way I do).

And, look, aren't they cute?!

The card inside informed me that people might be envious of my excellent fashion sense and obvious good taste, so I'm prepared for what you are thinking.

I'd show you how they look on, but I'm in desperate need of a pedicure as it appears a very large dog has chewed on the end of my foot.

But, #3 with his never ending selflessness has agreed to model them for me.

He says they are quite comfy, and they taste good too!


TOPIC CHANGE ALERT!
Even though this has nothing to do with shoes, I have to say a few words about the Bachelorette (of course I watch!) since it is in its 3rd week and I have yet to discuss it with you (and by discuss I mean give you an in depth essay about why they are idiots).

First, Jillian will kiss anything with lips!

I know all the Bachelors do it, but honestly, it's kinda gross with them too.

The fact that they are kissing is not particularly what grosses me out, it's the fact that I have to watch them kissing. I'm just starting to get geeked out by all the tongue swabbing going on.

And the guys...

Some of them are serious numbskull's.

Like, Bachelor David. WTH is up with that dude? I swear he was roid raging last night. And, don't even get me started on the stumbling, drunken stupor he accepted his rose in. I must admit I enjoyed his swagger (appropriate use of word here) initially, but he's gotten a bit outta hand as of late.

Not that I don't understand because Bachelor Juan is a freakin' woman.

Something about that dude totally irks me (and it's not his 35 year old baby face, 'cause I normally go for that look). Maybe it's my penchant to immediately root against the "nice" guy (bad boys rule!), but I really don't think so. I think it's more the fact that his is a simp (see Urban Dictionary for definition).

Moving right along to another annoying presence, Bachelor-put-that-guitar-down-or-so-help-me-Wes. I seriously wanted to gouge my eardrums out last night because he was beating that song like a dead horse. Seriously dude, you are not that awesome and the he-sings-for-me-how-sweet boat sailed on like the first episode. So, shut it already!

Right now, my favorite (not to win, just for entertainment purposes) is Bachelor Tanner P. I'll admit that the foot fetish deal is a bit creepy, but at least that dude is good for a laugh. And, as a completely unskilled human who excels at nothing in particular, I can appreciate the lack of talent this man exhibits. So what if you can't break dance, speak a foreign language, or sing the same mediocre song exactly the same way repeatedly? Besides, I feel like he is misrepresenting himself because I bet he has a pretty amazing foot lick technique, and some girls (not me, because I find feet repulsive) are probably in to that.

Glad she got rid of Sasha, thought he looked like Beast from that TV series on in the late '80s.

Right now I'm pulling for Ed, Jake, or Robby. Yeah, I think I like Robby. He's cute in a normal, everyday kinda way. He's nice in a real guy, not loser girly-man kinda way. Just wish he had a real job. 'Cause unless he owns the bar, bartender may not have too many opportunities for growth.

The rest of them are generally forgettable, space fillers at this point, but maybe we'll uncover some hidden talents or before unnoticed hotness as she filters through them on future episodes.

I know this shoulda been two posts, but I'm unfocused like that:)