Seriously my favorite part of the Bachelor every season.
Because it’s the time when all of the
drunken, stumbling, neurotic, slutty skeletons come tumbling out of the hopefuls’ closets.
I know they screen the girls very closely, but I’m not so sure they look too deeply into the people behind the girls.
Do they see if the mom is a tarot card reading
Do they find out if the step brother is secretly in love with you?
Because you know, that could be awkward.
As was the case for Gia and her wannabe mafia brother.
He sorta, kinda slipped an underhanded threat to Jake, or did no one else hear him say something about breaking Jake’s legs?
And her mom.
Short dress, NY accent, some sort of gypsy sixth sense about people (but don’t send her your cash just yet, if Reality Steve is to be believed her readings are pretty far off).
Things were as boring as usual between Gia and Jake and he was outta there in a NY minute.
And off to see Ali and her Granny ghost in Massachusetts.
I know, I shouldn’t poke fun of the dead, and I’m not. I swear I’m not.
I’m poking fun of Ali who is still alive and kicking.
But honestly, the whole dead granny bit was kinda creepy.
Why did they even go to the deserted haunted house with the lone mantle photo shrine?
So he could “meet her” and get “accepted into the family”?
I’m sure Jake thanked her profusely for her personal hometown ghost tour and will be asking Gia’s mom for a cleansing should they meet again.
As for the living members of Ali’s family they all seemed pretty average (aside from his mom admitting that she did a little pre-visit cyber stalking of old Jakey; the act itself isn’t off putting per se since we all do it, it’s the admission that was a little unconventional.).
As for her gut (and her gut feeling about needing to get ready to plan a wedding), she should get her gut in touch with Ali’s employers because I think her boss would say that she might want to hold her wedding planning horses.
So, after Massachusetts, Jake was off to
the set of So You Think You Can Dance see Tenley and her ex.
Wait, he wasn’t there?
Are you sure because E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E was talking about him?
But, despite their obsession with The EX, The Tenley’s were cute (and mostly normal which is a plus).
Dad Tenley is maybe going through male menopause though (is that real?) because he cried and admitted that he actually watches The Bachelor. I guess twenty some odd years with a house full of women will do that to ya (Supah Daddy better look out!).
This particular hometown date ended on a bit of a strange note: Jake asked for permission to marry Tenley.
Very honorable and all that, but what about the previous two ladies (or the one after)?
Creative editing? Lack of interest (in marrying them)? Or, was it that Gia had a step dad, that Ali had no dad, or that Vienna had a creepy dad?
But not as curious as The
Backwoods Viennas (tell me you heard that funky music!).
Honestly they weren’t even that bad.
They seemed like normal, everyday kinda people.
Even the part where Daddy Vienna took Jake out to the shed and
threatened his life had a man-to-man with him was not overly surprising (you know, it’s a stereotypical dad move) nor was the revelation that The Viennas made about the fact that chicks don’t tend to like her.
Of course they made it sound all positive (she’s really competitive and driven and women can’t handle that), and as a former girl-other-girls-don’t-like let me tell you, sometimes we really are just misunderstood (although based on what I’ve seen of Vienna, she’s coming across loud and clear!).
At the most dramatic rose ceremony to date…
A decision must be made.
And, an unexpected turn of events causes one girl to make a choice and take herself out of the running for Jake’s heart.
Basically, because Jake couldn’t guarantee Ali that he was gonna pick her and take care of her for ever and ever on his pilot’s salary, she had to go back to her job because if she didn’t they were gonna kick her to the curb.
You know this economy.
So she stomped into his room with her hair all askew and her baby doll dress and her baby doll voice and pouted and begged him to beg her to stay.
And he did.
Like a dog. A sweet, nice, handsome-but-still-somehow-not-the-least-bit-attractive-to-me dog.
since it was all an act for her since he didn’t say screw all the other hookers I want you since ABC loves the lover-wises-up-and-begs-for-another-shot scenario she left anyway.
It was sorta sad and if Jake were at all attractive to me (don’t get me wrong, the dude looks good, I just could never like him) I would probably care more, but since I don’t…
Gia, Tenley, and Vienna are the leftovers.
Let’s see what happens next week in St. Lucia!