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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Bachelor: Meet the Parents

Hometown dates.

Seriously my favorite part of the Bachelor every season.

Because it’s the time when all of the drunken, stumbling, neurotic, slutty skeletons come tumbling out of the hopefuls’ closets.

I know they screen the girls very closely, but I’m not so sure they look too deeply into the people behind the girls.

Do they see if the mom is a tarot card reading psycho psychic? 

Do they find out if the step brother is secretly in love with you?

Because you know, that could be awkward.

As was the case for Gia and her wannabe mafia brother.

He sorta, kinda slipped an underhanded threat to Jake, or did no one else hear him say something about breaking Jake’s legs?

And her mom.

Short dress, NY accent, some sort of gypsy sixth sense about people (but don’t send her your cash just yet, if Reality Steve is to be believed her readings are pretty far off).

Things were as boring as usual between Gia and Jake and he was outta there in a NY minute.

And off to see Ali and her Granny ghost in Massachusetts.

I know, I shouldn’t poke fun of the dead, and I’m not.  I swear I’m not.

I’m poking fun of Ali who is still alive and kicking.

But honestly, the whole dead granny bit was kinda creepy.

Why did they even go to the deserted haunted house with the lone mantle photo shrine?

So he could “meet her” and get “accepted into the family”?

Weird, dude.

Seriously weird.

I’m sure Jake thanked her profusely for her personal hometown ghost tour and will be asking Gia’s mom for a cleansing should they meet again.

As for the living members of Ali’s family they all seemed pretty average (aside from his mom admitting that she did a little pre-visit cyber stalking of old Jakey; the act itself isn’t off putting per se since we all do it, it’s the admission that was a little unconventional.).

As for her gut (and her gut feeling about needing to get ready to plan a wedding), she should get her gut in touch with Ali’s employers because I think her boss would say that she might want to hold her wedding planning horses. 

So, after Massachusetts, Jake was off to the set of So You Think You Can Dance see Tenley and her ex.

Wait, he wasn’t there?

Are you sure because E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E was talking about him?

But, despite their obsession with The EX, The Tenley’s were cute (and mostly normal which is a plus).

Dad Tenley is maybe going through male menopause though (is that real?) because he cried and admitted that he actually watches The Bachelor.  I guess twenty some odd years with a house full of women will do that to ya (Supah Daddy better look out!).

This particular hometown date ended on a bit of a strange note: Jake asked for permission to marry Tenley. 

Very honorable and all that, but what about the previous two ladies (or the one after)?

Creative editing?  Lack of interest (in marrying them)?  Or, was it that Gia had a step dad, that Ali had no dad, or that Vienna had a creepy dad?


But not as curious as The Backwoods Viennas (tell me you heard that funky music!).

Honestly they weren’t even that bad.

They seemed like normal, everyday kinda people.

Even the part where Daddy Vienna took Jake out to the shed and threatened his life had a man-to-man with him was not overly surprising (you know, it’s a stereotypical dad move) nor was the revelation that The Viennas made about the fact that chicks don’t tend to like her.

Of course they made it sound all positive (she’s really competitive and driven and women can’t handle that), and as a former girl-other-girls-don’t-like let me tell you, sometimes we really are just misunderstood (although based on what I’ve seen of Vienna, she’s coming across loud and clear!).

And then…

At the most dramatic rose ceremony to date…

A decision must be made.

And, an unexpected turn of events causes one girl to make a choice and take herself out of the running for Jake’s heart.


Basically, because Jake couldn’t guarantee Ali that he was gonna pick her and take care of her for ever and ever on his pilot’s salary, she had to go back to her job because if she didn’t they were gonna kick her to the curb.

You know this economy.

So she stomped into his room with her hair all askew and her baby doll dress and her baby doll voice and pouted and begged him to beg her to stay.

And he did.

Like a dog.  A sweet, nice, handsome-but-still-somehow-not-the-least-bit-attractive-to-me dog.

But since it was all an act for her since he didn’t say screw all the other hookers I want you since ABC loves the lover-wises-up-and-begs-for-another-shot scenario she left anyway.

It was sorta sad and if Jake were at all attractive to me (don’t get me wrong, the dude looks good, I just could never like him) I would probably care more, but since I don’t…

Gia, Tenley, and Vienna are the leftovers.


Let’s see what happens next week in St. Lucia!


DysFUNctional Mom said...

Ya know, I liked Ali. She was bitchy, but I identify with that. Now I'm Team Tenley, but I still think he picks Vienna. And I think he'll regret it when his daddy throws her in the swamp with the gators!

TubOfLard said...

I really felt bad for Ali last night. Jake, no. "I want you to stay but I can't promise you anything." What did he expect her to do?

Gia = yawn.

Tenley = Even I was getting uncomfortable with all the mentioning of the ex. (Jake's elevator eyes were pretty funny during the so you think you can dance segment though.)

Vienna = annoying and immature. Have they ever had a real conversation? It's weird. The prom pictures on her dresser were a nice touch. Wonder if Jake felt like he was back in high school. Maybe he's into that.

(And yes, male menopause is called andropause.)

SMJ said...

OK, but what I want to know is if they get to make up their own name for the show? Gia, normal pretty girl name. Tenly? What? Is her twin sister Elevenly? And, sausage?
Thanks for giving me a place to get this off my chest. ;)

Kmama said...

I don't watch the show, but I LOVE reading your recaps. It keeps me in the loop!!

Maggie S said...

Did that scene with the hair and the whiney pouting just go on and on?

Maggie S said...

--the Vienna family lives in a smaller house so they can pay for her lip wax bill.
--Vienna is no catch. How'd they pick her.
--Vienna's dad, if you recall has bought her five cars. Priorities? Is this preparation for real life? But as Mr. S says,"Little Jake is the one making the decisions."

Maggie S said...

I am SO sorry.

I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

oh my gosh I heard the banjo music when they showed Vienna in the swamp too!

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

Here are my thoughts:

Jennifer said...

I'm guessing Tenly, but I have no idea why because I have never, ever watched this show.

But last night was the season finale of Heroes. I'm so sad, but absolute best line of the night was by Sylar, "because I'm a hero." Ahhh. It was sweet.

Kerry said...

Ur take on this week's episode is hilarious but ur takes are always hilarious.

I'm SOOOO team Tenley. I felt pretty bad for Ali though because I really think that the ending of this season would've been a great show down with Tenley vs Ali since they were the only 2 who got the "hand in marriage" question from Jake.

I've finally figured out that Vienna is still around because she strokes Jake's ego SOOOOO much and he mentioned that last night. Not the ego part, the "her making me feel good" part.

Can't wait for next week. Stop by my place if you wanna read my take on it.

Miss Dot said...

You know, with all the fun that seems to go on on this show, you've ALMOST got me to the point that I want to watch it. Almost. Meh, I think I'll just read about it here :)

Shelle said...

Thanks for visitng my blog and letting me know you are going to bootcamp!! I am excited to meet new people!
I watched the Bachelor last night, and I enjoyed reliving it through your post!! The tarot reading and dead granny were really strange. Watching Tenley's dance was kinda awkward. I mean it was sweet and a nice idea, but kind of strange for her hometown date.

Amber said...

Oh but didn't you see the previews for next week? Ali calls! I have hope for her yet. btw her employers are retarted, I means seriously she'd be gone what 2 more weeks ish.

Vienna is sooo annoying I can't stand her!

Gia, well Gia is little too High Maintenance for Jake plus I don't like her all that much.

If I have to choose between the 3 now I'd have to say Tenley because they seem to work well together

debi9kids said...

Ok, I heard the music and so did my daughters and we were laughing at how twangy and silly it was.
My daughters both were screaming at the TV when Ali had to leave (because they want jake to get rid of Vienna. LOL)

I actually like Gia, although I think her family might've ruined it for her.

sheila said...

lol, I am not watching that show but I did watch when Jake was on the Bachelorret (why am I spelling that wrong??) Anyhow, I wish he would have won that one, but oh well. That girl was a ditzy one anyhow.

Anonymous said...

Why watch when I have you?

Mrs4444 said...

"Like a dog. A sweet, nice, handsome-but-still-somehow-not-the-least-bit-attractive-to-me dog." You're so funny!

Well, then, he and Vienna are a great couple, because she is a dog (the muttly kind.)

Thanks so much for the recap; I missed the show this week. I agree with everything you said. He is too much of a wimp to be attractive.

I'm sure he's going to pick Vienna, and they're going to break up, so it's really just entertainment.

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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