Oh. And button your shirt already.
We get it.
You are swole.
Your muscles are your best quality and we’ve seen them a bazillion times. I’m about to think you are nothing more than a hunky piece of man candy sent here specifically to pleasure me, I mean them, yeah, them with your dazzling smiling pecks, I mean face.
Get some ice water in here for Dumb Mom stat!
The first group date included a photo shoot, a hot tub, and a
conniving, competitive cat?
Vanity Fair totally scored by getting two
Hustler models and an ex-beauty queen for their photo shoot. The only one flubbing it up was Christina (who went straight downhill from there to an eventual elimination).
And, naturally since there was a hot tub involved, the show wasn’t all about Jake disrobe-aliciousness.
The girls were getting’ nearly-nekkid wit it too.
Nowhere near as exciting.
At least not until the hobaggin’ got started.
I mean did someone really wrap her legs around him on the first date?
And she wasn’t even drunk.
But, Christina was.
So very drunk.
And, it wasn’t helping at all with her wet cat look.
Thankfully for her, Rozlyn (did I spell that as incorrectly as she did?) saved her from making a bigger fool of herself by showing up ready to stick her tongue strategically down his throat for an awkward, obviously calculated tongue bath.
And then came the corniest (most shamelessly ridiculous) one-on-one date in ABC Bachelor history.
It’s a little bit sad really because I was all about Ali and her aversion to aviation (which I am frankly quite suspicious about because I’m not afraid to fly, but I am SO not okay with getting into one of those toy airplanes and being hurled all over kingdom come) until the music started.
The On the Wings of Love song started playing.
The Jeffery. Freakin’. Osborne. On the Wings of Love song.
Yep. They really did that (and it’s only the second episode).
Luckily, Ali has a much more authentic personality than anyone in the first group so the shark jumpin’ music didn’t completely ruin it.
But not quite.
The only thing better was the creepy-stalker-psycho-Michelle music.
The music they played every time she got on camera.
Like when she learned she wasn’t on the group date card.
And, when she declared that she is not “ordinary” (or normal) like the other girls.
It’s a good thing she wasn’t on the last date.
She may have chucked one of them off the roller coaster (or drowned them in the bathroom toilet).
But at least she wouldn’t have to watch him kiss someone, because he didn’t (go figure!).
Maybe that is because at least one of them forbade him from doing that (and then teased him with it all night long like the tramp that she was so desperately pretending NOT to be…yeahright two episodes, that’s how long I give her “values”. Two. Nights.).
But, let’s get back to show-stealing-instability-girl, Michelle.
The chick has some definite issues.
The crying. The Hand-that-rocks-the-cradle voice. The mean girl vibe. All wasted because she is not even that tough to look at.
Her antics were not to be overshadowed by the biggest whore story to ever happen in Bachelor history (did I sound like Chris Harrison there?).
Rozlyn (the conniving one from above?) “entered into an inappropriate relationship” with one of the Bachelor staffers (aka she hooked up with the pool boy, or the producer, or whatever, behind the cabana) and was subsequently asked to leave the show.
It was all very emotional.
Chris almost cried when he was outing her.
Jake was surprised, because he thought “she could be the one” (really, Jake? She didn’t seem at al loose to you? Not at all?).
At least he wasn’t mad. He was “disappointed” (and teary eyed?).
As anti-tramp as I am, I’m with Rozlyn (who said she didn’t think her “personal life” was anyone’s business) on this one.
It’s not really a huge deal or a surprise, is it?
Okay, it was brash (and trashy).
But more surprising is the fact that all of these chicks are so defensive and crushed and broken up about it.
I’m not a huge liar myself, but how hard can it be to lie to someone you went out with once? Some people lie to the people they’ve been with (had a significant relationship with; had children with!) for years.
Infidelity sucks, but is it surprising?
After one date can it even be called that?
I know that she betrayed the entire premise of the show; the whole idea of giving love a real chance (which I’m not sure is even possible in this situation) and being genuine (are people genuine before the 5th date?) and open (I’d argue Rozlyn was the most open of all!) and stuff, but why does Jake get to be the only one who gets around?
Is it really fair that he gets 10 girlfriends while they all have to share him?
Rozlyn didn’t think so.
And, I’m not sure I do either, but I’m gonna keep watching anyway just to see if Michelle goes all Carrie White on the girls
Plus, the scenes from the next show are so enticing that I can’t not watch.
It would be a crime even.
So, here’s our Bachelor question of the week: Which girl DIDN’T cry after being eliminated at the rose ceremony? A Bachelor first I think?!