Ask Me Monday: Hello 2010

It’s been a long while since I’ve done and Ask Me Monday post.

I’m trying to start this year off right, by sticking to my preconceived-in-my-mind-only-not-shared-with-others-to-prevent-anyone-from-noticing-when-I-deviate-from-it schedule.

Doing this is part of my theme for the year: AWESOMENESS (wait wasn’t that supposed to be my theme last year? I really mean it this time. Get it right…AWE-SOME-NESS).

That means being AWESOME (100%, everyday baby), looking AWESOME (is there something wrong with reflective warm up suits and Looney Tunes t-shirts?), feeling AWESOME (totally bustin’ a cap in this cold’s a**), and, appreciating AWESOME in everything, from people (like the kids, the Hubby, the extended fam, and you guys) to products (What do you get when you cross Oprah’s Favorite Things with Dumb Mom? Awesome stuff normal humans can afford of course!).

So, I figured this would be a perfect way to jump off the new year.

By focusing on me (just as a way of setting a precedent for the remainder of the year).

A little crash course on Dumb Mom and her dumb life (which from time to time requires that I refer to myself in the 3rd person), because I know you all have been dying to get behind enemy lines.

Find out what makes Dumb Mom tick so you can destroy me!

Not sure what’s up with the paranoia (that’s not AWESOME at all).

Maybe it’s because The Dudes have taken to sneaking up on me.

Something about my scared face is apparently very humorous to them.

Whatever, when I soil myself and give them a taste of what their future holds (when I’m an 85 year old diaper wearing ex diva) they will be sorry.

Anyway, moving right along to the reason we are here today…

Inquiring Minds want to know, and as such, I’m obliged to tell:

Question

Many of you (okay, so I use the word many loosely to mean one or two) have asked about how I get free crap and involved with other PR type stuff (like Mighty Media Girls) .

Answer

Well this one is easy.

It’s because I’m AWESOME, duh (didn’t you read the beginning of this post?)!

Actually, some of it (like the MM Girls business) has really just been a case of knowing the right people and being awesome.

I’ve only been blogging for a year, so I’m just starting to get to know a lot of bloggers. And, just like a regular job, blogging is largely about networking and making connections. I know a handful of successful bloggers; no one HUGE, but successful. And they are really good about helping us little people.

But, it does help that I am just so dang nice and sweet and easy to get a long with that people just want me involved in their campaigns.

You know, it’s my face. I think it just oozes marketability and really draws people in.

Yeahright.

It’s really more the case that I’m not clever enough, devious enough, or ambitious enough to outshine any one else, nor am interested in doing so, and, I follow directions like nobody’s business (possibly because I’m generally so brain dead from exhaustion that without directions I’m completely inactive and idealess). All of these things combine to make me the PERFECT marketing campaign candidate.

And, it does help that I really am nice (shut up BFF, I freakin’ am!).

As far as a lot of the free stuff, again it’s about knowing the right people, sorta. I don’t actually know many of them personally, but I’ve joined enough PR marketing groups (like Buzz Cooperative and BSM Media) to get offers that I like and think you will too. And, since I follow through, and don’t make it my personal vendetta to ruin companies whose products I’m not a fan of (I generally refrain from writing about suck products at all because why do you want to hear about crap I DON’T like? I prefer to focus on awesome stuff. You know, just to keep with the theme of things over here) they see me as a “safe bet” when it comes to sending me free products.

Feel free to contact me if you want to get more involved with doing reviews (although I suggest you limit them unless you really do want to do a dedicated review blog, just to keep a nice balance).

Question

How do I become an ifriend?

Answer

Again. This one is all about awesomeness (told you it was my theme for the year!).

I scour the net for cool people who give me awards I enjoy reading. Then I beg them (on virtual hands and knees of course) to do me the honor of guest posting on my blog.

Or.

You can just ask. And since I’m a weakling when it comes to saying no as long as your blog isn’t related to porn, Satan worship, or outer space, chances are you’re in.

ifriend fo’ life!

Incidentally, it’s the only way that your little button will probably ever make it onto my little blog (nothing personal, I just hate seeing all that stuff in my sidebar). ifriends get all the Dumb perks and privileges, including custom written Dumb Mom original poetry and the SO NOT DUMB Official Stamp of Approval (which is really just my button to place on your blog).

Question

What is it like living with all males?

Answer

Loud, unpredictable, smelly, tiring, frustrating, and some times frightening.

But, it’s also energizing, inspiring, challenging (in a good way), exciting, fun, and perfectly (way-to-stick-with-the-theme-of-things) Awesome.

While I may still be wasting my time pinning after a daughter to call my own, I can honestly say that I can’t imagine our family any differently (except with an added few hundred grand in the bank).

I have to admit that I like being the damsel in distress to be saved by the 3 Musketeers, the bonny lass being rescued by Jack Sparrow (#2), Will Turner (#1), and the monkey (#3), and the Princess Leia to their Luke (#1), Hans(#2), and Chewbacca (#3).

I can’t say that I’m totally over the idea of dressing up a princess of my own, but I can say that, as my friends’ daughters are rapidly approaching tweenhood there are some distinct elements of mother-to-a-daughterhood that I am glad to be missing out on.

At Casa de Dummies the giggling, the screaming, the divatude, and the moodiness are my domain and mine alone. I don’t have to share my PMSing limelight with anyone else and I’m pretty sure I like it that way.

Question

Why did Blog Baby win the last photo contest?

Answer

Because I effing said so.

And, because her photo was awesome.

But, since I’m not one to beat a dead horse (wack, wack, wack) let me just say that I hear ya’ people. You were all pumped and ready to see your crowd favorite walk away with the crown.

After all, this is America.

We like a democracy (even though most of us still don’t quite get that electoral college thingamajig), preferably of the majority rules variety.

We appreciate our right to vote, and expect, no, demand that things are run fairly (except for that one time, in Florida, and maybe a few hundred other times before that).

But, I don’t wanna be George or Jim or any of those other boring-name dudes.

I want to be me.

And, to make up for a few tough years in middle school (and maybe high school), I want you to like me.

So, in an effort to appease the masses, and to make you all feel like your votes mean something (because they do, I swear they do) my next photo contest, which will incidentally be droppin’ it like it’s hot on February 1st, will feature a FAN FAVORITE category that will be based entirely on number of votes received.

As long as it qualifies (meaning you submit it by the deadline and it matches the criteria I set forth) it will be eligible to win.

And I don’t care if you sell your eggs or street walk for votes, if you get the most, you win, no questions asked, no Dumb Mom interference, no ifs, ands, or BUTTS about it!

And, the prize isn’t gonna be some second-rate-thanks-for-playing bull crap. It’s gonna be AWESOME, ‘cause that’s just how I roll.

So, get your minds right, because the next round of rowdy will be here before you know it.

At the moment, the contest theme is TOP SECRET (aka if-I-tell-you-I-have-to-kill-you-confidential), but I’ll give you a hint: no kids involved, it’s all about you and your awesome and it may require you to visit your parents. I know, it may not sound fun, but it will be.

Promise!

Feel free to send in your own questions for Dumb Mom to answer for Ask Me Monday, a monthly feature on parenting BY dummies.*

*Questions submitted do not have to be solely about Dumb Mom and her Dumb Family, they can be on any topic you can think of it so long as you don’t hold Dumb Mom liable should the answer provided prove to be inaccurate, improbable, or flat out false.

Ask Me Monday

It's the first Monday of October (crap, this year is flying by) which only means one thing: It's Ask Me Monday (shouted enthusiastically by a group of children wearing urban attire who are about to bust a move. Tell me you've seen Hip Hop Harry...h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s!).

Now, I know you guys probably think that you have exclusive "ask Dumb Mom" rights, and that like every other worthwhile celebrity, questions must filter through my publicist (aka Mimi, she does all my PR, advertising, and marketing) before they are given to me to evade answering.

So, not true!

I pretty much answer every question every person (via the blog or IRL) asks me every time.

I may sweat a bit, stumble over my words, consider lying, actually go ahead with lying only to be found out because I'm sweating profusely, or attempt to flee, but eventually I answer honestly and completely.

So, when someone (aka Hubby) asked me this weekend, "Were you really scared?", there was only one answer I could honestly give: "Why, yes. Yes I was."

Initially, I was quite surprised by the question. I mean, are we not standing in (or running through, as the case may be) a haunted corn field (the key word here being haunted) lit only by the white light of the full moon?

Did you not just witness me sliding ungracefully to the ground as I stumbled out of a darkened tunnel screaming, "I THINK I PEED A LITTLE, I THINK I PEED A LITTLE!" (hey, postpartum bladders can not be held accountable for what they may or may not let out in an emergency situation).

Am I not holding hands with my also 30-something-year-old-but-crying-like-a-school-girl BFF?

Seriously, dude, do you not smell the raunchy, unmistakable stench of fear?

Obviously, I really am scared.

Sad part is, before I even agreed to be a guest at the local haunted attraction, I knew that I was not a good candidate for scary stuff.

I don't mess with the dead, I don't participate in seances, or summonings, or awakenings, or whatever-the-hell-crazy-town-high-school bull crap people do.

I don't listen to scary stories.

I don't watch scary movies.

And, I don't go to haunted houses (or woods, or cornfields, or anywhere supposedly frequented by wandering spirits of those who have passed on).

But, stupid, never-learn-your-lesson-are-you-really-this-dumb silly me thought it would be fun. Make a night of it. Go with Hubby and BFF and her "date"*. Grab dinner, then head out for some good 'ole fashioned Halloween inspired fun.

Yeah, not fun.

Know why?

Because being snuck up on, grabbed around the ankles, and otherwise mentally assaulted is not my idea of fun.

Neither is running full speed following a huge meal, without stretching first, having not run (or jogged, or even hurry-up stepped) anywhere in at least half a year.

Needless to say, after doing the feets-don't-fail-me-now dance last night, I am feeling it today.

Maybe...maybe I should go back there every night for the next week and a half, get the piss scared outta me, and run like the wind so I can lose a coupla pounds before my big trip?!

And now for your questions...

Jennifer from Momma Made it Look Easy asked, "What is the best thing about moving from CA to DC?".

Hmmmm.. the best thing about moving here from there would have to be that I get to spend the rest of my life planning a way to get back; I LOVE to plan.

Kidding! I actually have to say that, while I am still a Cali. girl through and through, I have adjusted to being in this area.

I like that here is less expensive than there, here has a lot of history to be experienced by the dudes, and here allows Hubby to have a decent job.

But, my favorite part about here is that here is where Mimi (and Papa, and Uncle) are, which is the primary reason I (we) came here in the first place.

Kathy B., from The World According to Me, asked some corn ball question about how she can get people to love her the way I do.

Duh, easy, I will tell them too: Everybody love Kathy B. because she is smokin' hot, she is funny as spit, and her writing is da bomb. Plus, the way Mimi talks about her, I'm pretty sure she reads her blog before she reads mine everyday.

See, Kathy?! You have to do better for next month my friend:).

Simply Valorie from On the Pursuit... (who I totally love b/c she gave me an award which makes her the bestes) wants to know the best thing about raising boys.

I guess it's that they're not girls!

If you know me (read: if you read my blog) then you know that I want wanted a daughter.

But, I'm happy that I have boys and, mostly, I'm happy that they have each other. I guess the best thing is that I get to watch them become friends in a way that they couldn't if one of them was a girl.

Plus, I'm glad I don't have to deal with PMS from anyone other than myself.

So, that's it for this month**!

Make sure you enter my Happily (un)Haunted Halloween Photo Contest. At the moment it looks like Angie from 7 Clown Circus is gonna be the unopposed champ.

Oh, and faemom, I'm disappointed in your performance this month. Let's step it up a notch for next time.

*BFF's "date is Hubby's BFF who comes in handy for things like this since Hubby is a tad bit antisocial and doesn't like to make new friends.

**If you want me to answer your question for next month be sure to leave it in the commments

Ask Me Monday

You asked so I'm answering.

From: Tania@Larger Family Life (she was unable to come up with another question to ask me)

Question: Am I that unimaginative?

Answer: Do you even have time for an imagination? You have 8 kids! I'm sure you spend all of your time imagining what a quiet room or a good night's sleep is like.


From: Kathy B.

Question: Can I lose 10 lbs without exercising?

Answer: Nope. If you weighed, say about 200 lbs more than I know you do, I'd say yes. For whatever scientific reason, if you weighed more like 350 pounds as opposed to 120 pounds (which is probably a gross over estimation which I hope you forgive me for since we haven't met in person yet) I'd say certainly. Just skip a couple of Twinkies, or Philly Cheese Steaks, or whatever it is that makes you 300 pounds overweight and drink a few glasses of water and you'd wake up in the morning 10 pounds lighter. Or, if you were a man (since it's SO easy for them). But, since you aren't (300lbs or a man) then you can't (lose weight w/o exercising) so stop it now and go for a run already. Or, have an ice cream.


From: Rita/Fighting off Frumpy

Question: Do I wish I had a daughter?

Answer: Um, yeah, can't you tell by this?




Princess crowns and pink panties.

But, I'm pretty sure I want one in addition to, not instead of, my boys. Since that ship has sailed (in the form of a scalpel and a steel table) I guess I'll have to settle for dressing my boys like little ladies from time to time.


From: Angie

Question: Did I inherit my humor or was I born this way?

Answer: Neither. I developed this odd state of being as a defense against my largely humorless family. Kidding! They are funny, just no where near as hilarious as me!


From: Lisa Anne

Question: Ideas for free summer fun.

Answer: Well, since summer is over, can I be off the hook for this one? I'm working on some ideas for the fall, though so I'll keep you posted:)!

From: I'm just sayin'-Kerri

Question: What is my ethnicity?

Answer: This is an easy one...I'm black. But, to explain the endless curls sprinkling off my dudes' heads, Hubby is Mexican (but actually, they get the curls from me anyway, so that doesn't really explain anything).

From: Blog Baby

Question: Why didn't I grant Blog Baby an interview?

Answer: Well, there is an extensive screening process from prospective interviewers and there is an extremely long waiting list and I have just been overwhelmed by requests for appearances and sound bites and the paparazzi are really just getting outta control. But, I'll have my people call your people and set something up.

From: Faemom (this evil genius had a plethora of questions to ask me; lucky me)

Question: What is an open id error? Does blogger hate me? What's up with the lame ass word recognition? If I get pissed off at blogger, should I take it out on my laptop?

Answer: Open id error? Not sure. Can I use a lifeline? No? Okay, then I'm gonna say it's when a bouncer gets duped by a fake id. Yep, that's what it is. Does Blogger hate you? Probably, because Blogger hates everyone, right? The word recognition is lame, and I hate it, and that is why you won't find any of that business around these parts. And, finally, I wouldn't recommend beating up any of your own stuff, unless you have figured out some way to prove Blogger liable (or is it culpable, or is it both?) and, if that is the case, please, do tell!

From: Nanny Goats in Panties

Question: Stranded on a desert island with one book, one iPod, and one TV, who would you sleep with?

Answer: Okay, um, Robert Pattinson, Justin Timbrlake, and T.I. Wait those weren't the choices? Oh well, whatever, that is my final answer.

From: Aubrey

Question: What is my favorite type of ice cream?

Answer: All flavors are my favorite. It only has to call itself ice cream and I am in love.

From: Teresha & Dan

Question: What kind of camera do I use?

Answer: I have two cameras, both of them are made by Canon. One of them is a Rebel XTi and one is a D40. But, of course, the gorgeousness of my photographs can be entirely attributed to my great skill and trained eye. Sike! It's the camera for sure:).

Want to ask something for next month? Be my guest, I'm all ears!

Ask Me Monday

People are naturally, at times uncontrollably, nosy curious.

I'm sure you can relate, but people have a tendency to ask me numerous strange questions, online and IRL (in real life for you Internet speak novices!).

So, in an effort to not ignore them any longer, I'm going to answer them, because why not?

If I really want to put my "life" out there in the world and let millions (okay maybe more like hundreds, or possibly a hundred? Maybe?) of people read this everyday occasionally, I might as well be honest and open bookish.

Accept for the name thing. Kinda like being all mysterious about that one, at least as far as the dudes are concerned.

Maybe one day I'll tell. I'll have a guess #1's name contest or something (contest will be closed to family members and friends, of course). But, not yet. For now the number aliases work great.

But, other questions I'm willing to answer.

Even the personal ones I get from IRL strangers, like, "When are you due?".

Despite the fact that this is an extremely embarrassing question to be asked 18 months postpartum when you are as sterile as an operating room table, I generally smile and politely inform them that, "I am not pregnant at all, just a Homer Simpson-esque, beer bellied, fatty. But, thanks for noticing!".

So have a burning question you have to know the answer to?

Leave it in the comments, or shoot me an email (parentingbydummies[at]gmail[dot]com) if you are gonna ask a real doozy and don't want the world to know how sick your mind is (don't worry, I won't tell!).

And, it doesn't have to be about me. You can ask about anything, about the dudes, the Hubby, my "expert" advice on a parenting issue, what shoes you should wear to the prom (oh, too old for prom? I'm still a 17 year old in my mind and sometimes it gets the best of me, like when I watch Twilight repeatedly all weekend), anything, I'm game!

Only off limits question is: When are you due? Because, I'm so over that one, plus I just answered it here, so no more pregnancy questions, kay?!

I'll try to answer all of them next month in my "Ask Me Monday" post. And, don't worry if you don't have any, I already have plenty saved up ones from IRL and online, so I'll share anyway (I always do, don't I?)!

Just in case you are sitting at home thinking, why would I want to ask Dumb Mom a question? Where is Smart Mom when you need her? I've included a photo of the day for you to enjoy instead, so feel free to ignore the above part, while you enjoy another shot of #2 enjoying this place we call home.



Off to do some crunches, or to eat ice cream, because neither one of them will be helpful anyway:)!