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Thursday, February 11, 2010

What NOT To Do: An Expert's Guide

parenting BY dummies is “a guide to parenting by someone who has tried everything you DON’T want to do”.

Knowing what NOT to do is sorta my thing.

I guess you could say I specialize in Don’ts.

I’m something of an expert in identifying the common pitfalls of parenthood.

I find the don’ts and do them anyway so you don’t have to.

It’s sorta my public service to struggling mothers everywhere.

So, when my girl Mama Kat said, “Hey Dumb Mom,” (and she may not have actually said those words aloud, but when she designed this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts she definitely had me in mind) she said, “you are rockin’ momhood, lookin’ all good, doin’ your damn thang, why don’t you go ahead and come up with a list of Do’s and Don’ts for the rest of us?”

And, even though there was no money involved, I decided to go for it, because you know what, with out me and my constant failures to be your guide where would you all be?

But, in an effort to stay on her good side, I decided to do one better.

I’m not even gonna deal with the Dos, because, frankly, they aren’t important.

I mean, I in case you hadn’t noticed don’t even know what to do (if I did this blog would be called parenting FOR dummies); but I don’t need to.

They key to survival is avoidance.

Knowing what NOT to do is what’s gonna save your life on a day-to-day basis.

The dos are for those smart moms to talk about.

The Don’ts are for the rest of us.

And, in an effort to give you something even more useful, I’ve compiled a list of Don't’ for your kids, because really they are the ones that need it right?

Think about it, if they knew more about what not to do your life would be at least like 75% easier (at the very least it would eliminate your need to come up with creative forms of punishment).

So print this off, give it your little people, and make ‘em read it (or read it to them if they are still card carrying members of the illiteracy club).

YOU CAN THANK ME LATER!

DON’TS for Kids: A Dumb Mom’s Guide to Keeping You Out of Trouble

  1. DON’T wake your mom up by tapping on her head and saying any of the following: I puked on your floor, I peed in my bed, I found a snake, or I think the car is gone.
  2. DON’T decide to “help out” by mopping the floor, cleaning the fish tank, or watering the plants. Water is fun for you but Mommy pretty much hates it.
  3. DON’T attempt to use any of the following household appliances: the phone (even if it is to call the police on your brother), the microwave (I know it’s “easy” because you only have to press one button, but since you can’t read pressing p-o-t-a-t-o instead of p-o-p-c-o-r-n can lead to catastrophic results), the garage door opener (just because you have no business even being in the garage), the washing machine (see above tip regarding water usage), the dryer (because you fold like your father), and the iron (don’t worry, you’ll never see this one laying around our house anyway).
  4. DON’T give unsolicited advice; the lady across the street could do with out your yard care recommendations.
  5. DON’T beg for things at the store. Such behavior is embarrassing to your mother and it gives her money in the bank, so to speak, when it comes to future opportunities to chaperone your high school dances. You will be sorry. This mamma knows how to jerk and she ain’t afraid to use it!
  6. DON’T use any of the words your mommy uses while she’s driving. That means douche, d-bag, crap face, and ignoramus are all off limits.
  7. DON’T heckle other drivers. Mommy’s got that covered.
  8. DON’T store things in the toilet. Your effort to put things away is greatly appreciated, but please refer again to #2 above to fully understand our stance on water based activities.
  9. DON’T throw food while at the table. This is particularly important if that table is located in the middle of a restaurant (which is unlikely because no one ever wants to take you anywhere ever, but still).
  10. DON’T disrobe without receiving permission in advance (and “in advance” does NOT mean while Mommy is distracted with talking to your soccer coach at the supermarket).
  11. DON’T disrobe in public regardless of advanced permissions you may or may not have received.
  12. DON’T ask to accompany Mommy to Target (because that’s her leisure time), the bathroom (because that’s private), or Wal-Mart (because that’s just crazy).
  13. DON’T put your shoes on the counter (even if they’re “clean”).
  14. DON’T be a poor sport. Even if Daddy is moping on the corner of the field or kicking the ground, you say good game, give a hi-five, and head for the car. Let Mommy deal with Daddy.
  15. DON’T fight dirty with your brothers. Fighting dirty would include any of the following maneuvers: eye gauges, nostril pulling, butt hole assaults, attempted ear drum rupturing, and hitting in the “nuts”.
  16. DON’T use the word nuts.
  17. DON’T poop your pants at school and then lie when asked about it. Seriously, Dude, people could smell it out in the hallway, it’s time to fess up.
  18. DON’T scream for Mommy when she gets ready to go out for her one girl’s night of the quarter. When she’s home you don’t want her so give it a rest. Besides, you should know that once you can rely on your own feet for transportation the affect of your tears has pretty much worn of entirely.
  19. DON’T get up before Mommy has her coffee the sun.
  20. DON’T grow up. Based on your father other men, growing up is a losing situation for Mommy. Gone will be all of your sweet innocence, your pudgy cheeks, and your unconditional love, but you keep all of the pickiness, the stubbornness, and the inflexibility; traits that move from being tolerable to downright annoying.

Now, since I know you are here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday, go ahead and add your Linky down there so we can read all about it.*

*If you aren’t here to participate in Thank Me Later Thursday or to enter your picture in my Fugly Face Photo Contest (which ends tomorrow by the way!) or to leave me a comment saying you love me and you hope the snow magically disappears then you aren’t allowed to use my list of DON'Ts to make your kids better people.

And yes, I really am that petty.



22 comments:

Erin said...

OMG That is an AWESOME list, I was laughing the whole way and think I am going to print it out for when my boys get bigger and can read it themselves!

SMJ said...

You are a GENIUS!
"....don't use the toilet to store things...." - I. Die.
I'm pretty sure this list cannot be topped!

ShellSpann said...

I love this list and I just might make it the bedtime story for tonight! :)

The Gman said...

great list! and yes, number 20 is so true. Im living proof...

(stopped by from mama kat)

cheers!

Shana said...

This is the master list. I love it.

Brandi said...

LOL! I think my boys have done everything on your DON'T list... some of them repeatedly. ;)

Amy B. said...

Oh PLEASE post a video of you jerking. Please.

Jennifer said...

I'm crying laughter tears. For real. I think this is the funniest post you've ever written. I can't even pick out a favorite don't because they are all so awesome.

Adoption of Jane said...

LOL!!

qandlequeen said...

With 2 already out of the house and a 12 yr old son, this list is too late (because all men are 12 year old boys on the inside - fart and prove my theory)

parentingBYdummies said...

qandlequeen-You are correct! This list is much more effective for use on boys who have not reached adulthood. Once they hit age 12 and have reached their full mental capacity there is little left to do:)

Kmama said...

That is freaking hilarious, especially the part about fighting dirty. I almost choked when I got to "butthole assaults." LMAO!

Shell said...

Oh, Dumb Mom, I just love you. I can't wait to get to meet you next month. From the sounds of it, my three boys pull the same crap yours do. Maybe we can come up ith more survival tactics?

faemom said...

Is it already Thurday! And you reminded me, I mean us, yesterday. God, I suck.

And I LOVE the list! I'm so printing it up. You're a genius, and we need to get you a book deal.

Michele said...

Omg.... those were incredibly funny!!! I sooo needed to read that today!

I'm going to be laughing for days!
Pure Genius....
Gonna print this off for future reference LOL

God, I "heart" you!!!

I'm NOT a VOLCANO! said...

LOL. I seriously laughed out loud and SNORTED when I read that. I nodded the whole time because it's all TRUE! (Especially all the ones to do with WATER. Unfortunately, my husband encourages water play. I say OUTSIDE!!!) I am SO printing it off. If ONLY so that Brandon (the hubs) will knock off trying to get my kids to DO some of that stuff.

Babe_chilla said...

AHAHAHAHAHAH good list. I'll share it with my daughter on delivery day :D

By the way, can you send the snow up to Vancouver? We kind of need some.

kittenpie said...

Hi! A belated thanks for popping by Life of 'pie and I am agreed - we all need medals!

And? Those are some cute boys, lady.

Life with Kaishon said...

Your list is HILARIOUS! I am going to read about your contest and see if I have an ugly face to enter : )

SupahMommy said...

WHOOOOO POOPED THEIR PANTS????
WAS IT YOU? IN 1990? I HOPE YOU POST A PIC OF THAT.

XOXO
SUPAH

Holly Homemaker said...

Oh you better believe I agreed with each and every bit of advice in your post - My kids better educate themselves! Hahaha :)

Happy SITS Sharefest Mama!

cheekymama said...

Hilarious list tho bizarrely number 20 made me tear up a little - just the thought of my lovely squeezy boys becoming men one day. Aaaargh! ;-)

Thanks for sharing and I must find out more about this McLinky thing!

Uju aka cheekymama

http://babesabouttown.com

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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