Cookie Time Tuesday: Gettin’ Biscuit Wit It

Biscuits are a tradition in my family.

My grandma made them, my mom made them (well, technically she still does, just not so much for me), and now I make them (although admittedly, not as often as my grandma, who used to bake them like every weekend and during the week because she was/is a machine).

Everyone loves them.

My grandma also used to serve them with a jar of her homemade, home canned peach preserves.

And that stuff was DA BOMB!

So effing unbelievably delicious you seriously would forgo every other edible oiption in order to have space for additional preserve smeared biscuit-awesomeness.

At least that’s what I did.

So, in an effort to relive my childhood, I have made it a point to perfect the family biscuit recipe.

Not that it wasn’t already perfect, but a few twists have made it more convenient (you know, because I’m just not down for sifting and all that jazz) and more geared to my sugar fiending taste buds (meaning mine are a tad bit sweeter).

Oh, and I’ve kicked the homemade, home canned preserves to the curb.

Too much work for the likes of me.

The store brand type gets the job done.

It’s not the same, but it has to do as I’m not at all interested in spending any time learning to correctly collect, peel, boil, and can fresh peaches for hours on end.

Actually, now that I’ve typed it out and Googled the instructions, it doesn’t really seem that difficult.

And, in an effort to come close to duplicating the taste that is ingrained in my taste buds from childhood, I might actually take a trip down home canning lane next summer.

Maybe.

But, in the meantime, we’ll have to live with the store bought version.

And, due to the nearly-disabling, mouthwatering flavor these bad boys hold, you hardly need the preserves anyway.

They are simply a deliciously added bonus.

I mean look at these things…

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Nice, right?

All flaky, and buttery, and sweet.

Not to mention moist, and golden, and buttery, wait did I say that already?

Wanna make ‘em for yourself?

Well, then you’d better ask your grandmama because I’m not give in up the goods.

As much as I want to rock your world with these things, I can’t do it.

It’s a secret family recipe.

Uh oh, did I forget to mention the secret part before?

My bad.

Oh well, it is. A HUGE family secret.

I’d honestly love to tell you, but if I did, I’d have to kill you, and that would really deplete my readership you know?

So yeah, no dice.

But, if you ask nicely enough I’d probably hook you up with it AND let you live, you know, for a FEE!

Cookie Time Tuesday: I’m Bringing Cookies Back

Only, since I was wholly unsuccessful in my last baking attempt (see when good cakes go bad) I decided to put it in the hands of the youth.

No one is gonna tell some innocent (not always, but this time) preschoolers and a toddler that their cookies suck.

So, I figured we’d have ourselves a little cookie party with Mom of Girls (neighborhood friend we play with constantly and have mentioned on blog previously but can’t find post, so that’s it in a nutshell) and her two little ladies for this week’s Cookie Time Tuesday Showcase.

And these cookies are seriously the easiest, most delicious lovelies you are ever gonna bake.

Here’s what you do.

Crazy Cool Cuttable Cookies

1.  Drop #1 off at school.

2.  Speed to grocery store with a groggy #2 and a pajamed #3 to pick up cutout cookie baking supplies.

3.  Go to first store only to discover that cutout cookie making supplies are unavailable.

4.  Curse quietly under your breath so old lady walking past can’t hear, but just loud enough that #3 CAN hear, and repeat your potty-mouthed-old-lady-offending curse.

5.  Stick your tongue out at old lady after she tsks you (waiting until her back is turned of course; don’t want to have to mollywop an old lady).

6.  Instead of loading children back into car to visit store next door, decide to walk (it looked really close) and enjoy the sun (it’s December, I was wearing a coat, and now, because of the freakishly warm weather I smell like a goat).

7.  Finally arrive at store #2 and purchase the main cutout cookie ingredient: the cookies.  That’s right people, gasp and balk and act all better than me now, but seriously I have a bad track record with rollout cookies and I wasn’t gonna risk screwing them up with 4 five and under cookie-party-anticipating children depending on me. 

8.  In addition to the cookies remember to get icing to decorate with.  And, while we’re at it, better get some extra (WTH?!  Why are these dang things so friggin’ expensive?  GRRRR!) sprinkles.  Don’t want a fight to break out over the one sprinkles shaker (which, now that I think about it, is definitively fall themed) we own.

9.  Pay. 

10.  Realize how close it is to party start time.

11.  Walk back to car super fast (non-stroller-using children will probably need to run, maybe even sprint to keep up).

12.  Buckle children in car.

13.  Drive across parking lot and realize that the Christmas themed cookie cutters are still stored in the attic.

14.  Decide that pumpkins are not gonna cut it (get it?  cut it?!) for the cookie party festivities.

15.  Bust a u-turn in the parking lot.

16.  Unbuckle children from the car.

17.  Go into Joanna’s to find ON SALE cookie cutters you saw on Black Friday for $6.99.

18.  Locate cookie cutters and realize they are no longer $6.99, they are instead $13.99.  Also note the holiday sprinkles at Joann’s are only .99 cents.

19.  Curse again.

20.  Admonish #3 for following in your cavewoman like footsteps.

21.  Wait in a ridiculously long line, in a ridiculously hot store, with a ridiculously loud toddler who is now begging for Pop Tarts and announcing to everyone within earshot that he cut a “poopie-fart”.

22.  Purchase cookie cutters.

23.  Buckle children in car.

24.  Race home.

25.  Spend 10 minutes changing the product of aforementioned poopie-farts.

26.  Give self a sponge bath in sink to wash away the stench generated by running across parking lots in blazing hot sun (it was almost 70 degrees…in DECEMBER!) in a parka, a sweat shirt, and a pair of long johns (and no, I do not watch the weather report).

27.  Roll out premade cookie dough 2 minutes before Mom of Girls shows up, which is just enough time to make it look like you are the picture of hosting awesomeness.

28.  Let the kids go to work…

…which includes allowing Mr.-Fastest-Hands-in-the-East to eat two of his cookies in the raw (which is like a delicacy, right, or is that just sushi?).

29.  Enjoy their masterpieces almost as much as they do.

30.  Thank your lucky stars that you decided not to make the damn things from scratch!

Cookie Time Tuesday Goes Cake

Because when someone claims that they have the recipe for the "Best Ever" chocolate cake I simply can't ignore it.

So, I decided to put Better Homes and Gardens to the test and see if it was the truth.

Since this was only my second real attempt at a from scratch cake (first time was in college to impress Hubby who never even tasted it b/c I forgot to put in the eggs which means it was far from being impressive), I decided to forgo help from the dudes on this one but, naturally, there was someone on hand for taste testing purposes.



Best-Ever Chocolate Cake (from BH&G Our Best Recipes Cookbook) with Chocolate-Sour Cream Frosting



I decided that, because I'm lazy I followed the recipe exactly (minus a few unintentional tweaks), instead of typing it here, step by step, I would just link to it this week so that you can check it out if you want to.

Instead, I'm going to tell you what I, the anti-Bakerella-dumb-mom, learned about baking cakes.

1. Don't bother with the from scratch business. The Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe Butter Recipe Fudge Cake Mix is da bomb. There is no reason I can see to spend a whole crap load of time measuring, mixing (which was like a total of 7 minutes straight; serious workout for us flabby armers), and slaving to get the homemade one just right. Besides, the butter recipe one is like super close to the same thing because you have to add your own butter and you bake it in your own oven which is really all "from scratch" is, right?

2. Don't leave a baking cake unattended. Not even for a second. Because before you know it, you're distracted by giving the baby a bath, and then you don't hear the timer all the way downstairs, beeping it's little heart out until your cake is burned well beyond the point of moistness. Cakes are all about the moist factor, people. And, it seriously only takes like minutes to screw the whole thing up. That is, unless you like your cakes tough and chewy.

3. Cover it up. Tightly. Don't just think you can set a little bowl over top of it and leave it 'till morning. The lack of airtightness allows every last shred of moist you may not have already baked out of it to escape. And that, sucks.

4. Pour evenly. Otherwise you wind up with Hideous Gangster Lean Cake...



which doesn't affect the taste at all, but definitely takes away from the cute factor of the thing. And, let's face it, when it comes to cakes (and puppies, and other people's kids you have to babysit) cute is one of the most important factors. I mean, really. Which of the following would you rather eat, based on looks alone?

Cake A (from cowizm.com)?



Or, Cake B (from cakewrecks.blogspot.com)?



I rest my case.

5. Skip the cake, but not the frosting. The chocolate-sour cream frosting that goes along with this cake is AWE-SOME. If the cake does not come out badly burned and hideous to look at, the frosting alone is enough to help it claim the Best-Ever Chocolate Cake title. De. Li. Cious.

Wanna share your Best Ever Chocolate Cake recipe? I'm obviously in the market for one!

Don't forget to enter HERE to win the Cheerios and Books, and HERE to learn how to submit you fugly photos for my Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest, you know, so you can be mocked mercilessly on my blog!

Cookie Time Tuesday

I know, due to recent events, the last thing I should be thinking about is cookies.

But, also due to recent events, it should come as no surprise that I am.

I mean, really, what else do you think someone who gained 9lbs in 3 months thinks about?

But, just to make the cookies less appealing to my cookie-loving-bubble-belly I decided to go with oatmeal raisin cookies.

Because, there are few things in this world I hate more than a raisin.

Don't ask me why, but the shriveled little creatures make me want to barf just looking at them.

So, dumb genius that I am, thought the perfect solution to keeping myself away from the cookie jar, is to fill it with something I loathe.

And, it totally worked for about 5 minutes at which point I realized that I couldn't, in good conscious, post about a recipe for a cookie I didn't even sample.

So, I picked out the only thing keeping these cookies remotely healthy (and, please don't leave a comment about how all of the nutritional value of the raisin is essentially baked out in the oven, because I need something to make these okay) and had a taste.

Lemme tell you, picking raisins outta cookies is WAY easier than it looks.

Wanna try it for yourself?

Dumb Mom's Fatten You Up Good Oatmeal-Raisin Cookies (with #3 on sous chef duty)



3/4 cup butter flavored shortening (regular works too, but I kinda like the butter type)*
1 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. salt
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups rolled oats

1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. In large bowl, beat shortening on high speed for 30 seconds. Add sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Beat until combined.
3. Beat in eggs and vanilla until combined.
4. Beat in flour.
5. Stir in oats and raisins if you don't find them repulsive.
6. Drop dough onto ungreased sheets.
7. Bake 8-10 minutes or until edges look golden.
8. Let cool on sheet about 1 minute before removing.

And, bada bing...



A note about the shortening.

I know it's bad.

I know it clogs your arteries and makes you all fat and goopy.

I.

Know.

but. And, I hate adding a but in favor of artery clogging goopiness especially because I'm all eating healthy mom these days (except for when it comes to cookies, and myself apparently).

BUT. There are three good reasons to go with the shortening.

1. It allows the cookies to stay soft. For days. I'm a chewy cookie girl myself and I hate it when the cookies come outta the oven all soft and moist and perfect and then turn into little cookie flavored potato chips the next day. Use shortening, won't happen.

2. It's only like 3 times per year. I mean, how many times does one require the presence of the perfectly baked, homemade, oatmeal cookie? This is my first batch of oatmeals this year (you know b/c of the raunchy raisins, oh and the fact that I'm pretty heavy into choc. chip). I've heard it's all about moderation, something I am wholly unfamiliar with, but if you have it, a few shortening baked oatmeal cookies a year probably won't kill you.

3. Does it even matter? The three baking options (shortening, butter, and margarine) are all just different shades of the same trans fat evil (this explains it some). Plus, now that Crisco has been reimagined to include NO TRANS FATS its fat content is not much different from that of butter. Just sayin'. If you wanna use it like twice a year to make some funky fresh cookies, don't go beating yourself up about it. Just don't lock yourself in your pantry and eat them all alone in the dark, either. Take it from me, that's not a pretty thing for the kiddies to walk in on.