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Friday, August 14, 2009


Things have been in pieces around here a little bit lately.

I guess not really, but I've got a lot of anxiety and paranoia going on right now.

I think that's a side effect of not having any curtains on any windows in the house at all. I feel like everyone is watching me.

So, I've decided to do my first Friday Fragment post, because, hey, why not. Besides, I can't think clear enough to write a full post because I keep getting distracted by random movements outside of my totally exposed windows.

Friday Fragments?

First: The Curtains.

They are gone thanks to the unreliable subcontractor's inability to ensure that he had all the necessary equipment in place on the day of the window install we had scheduled for this past Thursday. Apparently, despite the fact that they had a 6 week warning, they did not secure one of the integral parts of the job: the windows. They are supposed to come in today (Friday), but I'm not convinced since they were supposed to come in on Wednesday, too. So, I've spent every night since Tuesday in a curtainless house creeping (and by creeping I mean crawling on the floor or leaping, lightening fast) past my bedroom window to prevent my neighbors from spying me in my unmentionables. I'm not traditionally the most clandestine individual so I'm sure they have seen way more than they could ever want.

So, shout out to all the teen boys in my hood who have pent up sexual frustration to spare, I know you're watching and I don't care.

Whew! I think admitting it alleviated some of the pressure so I can relax. The paranoia was taking a toll on me.


Second: Peepee Pants.

#2 wet his bed last night. By the way he acted, you woulda thought he'd committed some major crime.

At about 3:25 am, the perp was discovered, screaming angrily in his bed. The assailant attempted to allude authorities by thrashing about wildly. Even after his crime was discovered, the alleged, who has been previously convicted of similar charges, proceeded to deny the allegations shouting, "I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WASN'T ME!", loud enough to arouse innocent bystanders (aka #1 who was attempting to sleep in the top bunk). We believe his ultimate goal was to create a sense of chaos and confusion so that he could escape scrutiny. The authorities were not so easily dissuaded, and were able to work together to take the offender into custody (aka their bed) without further incident. No one was harmed on the scene. Officer Mom, however, has asked for a few days of administrative leave following the incident. At press time, this request had not been granted.

I'm not sure why he acts all crazy when he catches himself wetting the bed at night. It doesn't happen often (like a coupla times a year), and it's not like I beat the crap outta him (maybe like the first time) when he does it either. It generally winds up to be a winning situation for him because, since I'm too lazy to change the bed, I usually just change the kid and shuffle him off to my bed, where he begs to sleep every night anyway.

It's really me who gets the raw end of the deal, because once he's in my bed, the make-out session begins.

He starts the cuddling and the cooing, the caressing and the canoodling. It turns into an inappropriate-I'm-your-mom-back-up-off-me-you-pee-stained-freak session very quickly. And, it happens every time (which is why I don't let him sleep with me in the first place). If I'm able to shake him off at all he usually just cloys onto my back and engulfs me with his sea of love.

Actually, I feel kinda like this...

Not cool.

Third: Nightmares.

When he finally tired of my playing hard to get, he drifted off and so did I. Only to be awoken again (at 4:55am) by the most bloodcurdling scream I've ever witnessed first hand.

He had a nightmare.

Sleeping snug as a bug in a rug smack dab in the middle of me and Hubby the kid had the most powerful and frightening nightmare of his life (at least that I could tell).

Something about being torn to shreds by vultures?

It took him (and me) a full five minutes to stop shaking and get his bearings again, after which point he drifted sweetly into lala land.

I (and Hubby, but who cares about him?) was unable to do so and have therefore been up since the butt crack o'dawn.

Today could be bad for me (I don't function happily with lack of sleep) and he may find himself wishing those vultures finished the job.

Kidding! Even I'm not this scary.

Fourth: An unwelcome visitor.

We met this little biblical villain in our yard yesterday.

As far as creatures I normally hate, he wasn't so bad, probably only because he was tiny.

Kinda cute in a would-totally-avoid-running-him-over-in-my-car-but-don't-get-too-close-I've-got-a-shovel-and-I'm-not-afraid-to-use-it sorta way.

Those little nut jobs I live with actually had the nerve, the audacity, to ask if we could keep it.

Um, no. I don't do wild animals (or the dead, or insects, or outer space, or adult diapers).

As a matter of fact, I really don't do too many of anything that requires care, defies my mandates, or stinks if I didn't carry it in my gut for some amount of time.

Dogs and cats are a possibility for the future when more of the former gut dwellers are able and willing to care for themselves (I doubt any of them will ever follow my mandates or stop stinking).

Fifth (and Final): Weekend plans.

I'm getting another mini date with my female friends (and by friends I mean Mimi and Bff) to go see the Time Traveler's Wife. Hooray! So excited because I LOVED the book, and I like the actors in the film so I'm hoping it's good.

In New Moon other news. If you were a psycho-Twilight-saga-obsessed-chunky-butt-mom-of-3-with-stalker-tendencies you may, instead, go see Vanessa Hudgen's new film, Bandslam because they are premiering a New Moon trailer at it.

I mean, Lisa Kudrow is in it too and I really like her so it's not like it would be a complete waste...


Kathy B! said...

I think you know how I feel about snakes. I'll just leave it at that.

Looking forward to your review of Time Traveler's Wife. Your reviews are the best :)

Mira is triplet crown said...

Nice, i look forward to the triple bedwetting situation. I might take a page from your playbook and throw them into bed with me instead of changing their sheets. Since I have had a barfmatic kid already I have worn out my patience with sheet changing long ago.

confused homemaker said...

My second once actually blamed Mamacita for a mystery bed wetting that happened in his bed. As if she sneaked in & did it in the middle of the night--then again she is pretty sneaky.

Lisa Anne said...

Whenever my son would pee the bed, I'd be like why did you pee the bed. his response "I don't know I was sleeping"

The other night he watched a scary movie, the uninvited. Bad idea because in the middle of the night I heard him scream. He said he heard a noise. He wasn't lying I was hearing it to. Freaked out I slowly walked into the spare bedroom. It was the shades slamming against the window that was one on a windy night.

I guess horror movies are not for either of us.

My son also had a nightmare when he was little. He said bones were petting him. Strange as Voltures!

Great post!!

Courtney D said...

But just think... At least it's Friday. The weekend's bound to bring a reprieve (and also a New Moon Trailer!) And what could be wrong with that :)

♥georgie♥ said...

wonderful FF

I was LMAO@So, shout out to all the teen boys in my hood who have pent up sexual frustration to spare, I know you're watching and I don't care.

Amethyst Moon said...

Wow! I remember pee pee days and nights. Just think someday they'll stop doing it, or at least they'll be big enough to change their own sheets if they do.

BTW: I added your badge to my site because I just love your posts!

Caution Flag said...

I hope you weren't too gracious to that yard visitor! Yikes. LOVE your blog! And the name? Fantastic.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you had a rough night - can't wait to hear your reveiw on Time Traveler's Wife.....

Jennifer said...

Snakes... ewww. I'm shuddering.

My Baby Girl sleeps with us every night. (Big Sigh) AND she has nightmares. AND she talks in her sleep. AND she does that clingy thing you are talking about that drives me totally insane. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept like a normal person in the last five years.

Anonymous said...

What's up with you and outer space?
Snakes suck. So do kids in the bed.
I totally can't wait for New Moon; I'm going to hang out with my girls in Cali for it. Yeah!

melissa said...

i'm done with the bedwetting phase, thank god. but last night i had a nightmare and in it, i kid you not, i was about to pee in my bed. and that woke me up!! of course, i ran to the bathroom. the bed was safe. yay! thank goodness i'm potty trained, eh?

Sara Elizabeth Bonds said...

I actually really love snakes. I had two pet snakes a long time. I know, I am weird. LOL.

I cannot WAIT for New Moon to come out!

Happy FF! Mine is up too. :o)

shopannies said...

this is quite a post a bit scary to me as well LOL

ck said...

I love that you called that snake a "biblical villain." Any clever names for the awful, skin-crawling lady bugs I can't handle dealing with? Perhaps if you renamed them something for me I'd snicker when I saw them instead of screaming.

Mrs4444 said...

Wow-You have a very energetic writing style, and I like it alot. My favorite fragment (in the running this week for Favorite Favorite :) is the crime scene investigation--very funny :)

Welcome to FF. I hope you had fun :) Have a great weekend!

Orange Juice said...

EW! Thanks for the creepy photos!

PS I am totally paranoid about exposed windows too

Orange Juice said...

I can't even do sheer window treatments

Anonymous said...

very cool..

but that snake gave me creeps..

Deb said...

Nightmares are the worst! And I probably would not be nearly as calm about any kind of snake.

Enjoy your movie this weekend!

And Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest. :)

TheKitchenWitch said...

I am laughing so hard at the "I DIDN'T DO IT!" part of the story! Kids are so goofy.

Enjoy the Time Traveller's Wife. Anxious to see what you think.

Anonymous said...

I've just been reading down through your blog and just wanted to say that I love the way you write - it's intelligent, witty, punchy and just plain fun. I'm definitely putting you in my Google Reader so, basically, thanks so much for visiting me earlier today...otherwise I might not have found you!

Anonymous said...

awesome post!

Mrs4444 said...

BTW, your late-night bed-wetting story got Honorable Mention in my Friday Fragments for tomorrow :)

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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