Double Agent

I'm participating in Flashback Fridays, courtesy of Scary Mommy.

Originally posted 3/5/2009.

I'm pretty sure I am living a secret double life.

I am not who I seem. At least not to my kids anyway. I feel like they don't know me at all b/c the Mommy that they see is not the mean, short tempered, maniacal, bitter woman who is running rampant inside of my head.

Thank goodness. If that broad ever gets out, please shoot her on sight.

They say: "Mommy it's cold in here."

I say: "Wow buddy, you're right. Let's go put a sweater on you."

I think: You are crazy if you think I'm turning the heat up. Did you see our electric bill last month? Allegheny Power is losing their effing minds!

They say: "I don't want to listen to this music, Mommy. This song stinks."

I say: "Sorry kiddos, I'm tired of listening to the Wiggles. Maybe we can take turns. You let Mommy listen to her music now and we'll let you choose a song on the way home."

I think: Yeah, right, sucker. You better be asleep on the way home. Besides, my music is pretty cool. How can you not like Rihanna? And seriously if I have to listen to Fruit Salad one more time I am going to burst my ear drums with my car key.

They say: "Why do we have to take a bath?"

I say: "You don't want to be Mr. Stinky Pants at school tomorrow, do you? Besides, taking a bath is part of being healthy."

I think: Because I said so. Why wouldn't you want to take a bath? You smell like tail, your brother smells like a wet puppy, and the baby smells like vomit. I mean, I can barely stand to be in the same room with you people.

They say: "Ooooh, Mommy, you said a naughty word!"
I say: "You're right buddy, please forgive me! I shouldn't have said that. I was angry (b/c some people really CAN NOT freakin' drive), but I have to think of other things to say when I get upset."
I think: You ain't heard nothing, Chief. I'm pretty sure I was a sailor in my previous life.

They say: "Mommy, that lady smells really bad."
I say: "Sweetie! That is not a nice thing to say, you would hurt her feelings if she heard you say that."
I think: I am seriously going to puke right now. I mean, did you deuce yourself or what? That is offensive, lady, really.

They say: "I don't like this dinner. You always make yucky food."

I say: "Well, you are welcome to not eat it, but I will not be able to make you a snack later."

I think: Are you kidding me right now? Do you think I want to eat edamame and cheese sandwiches for dinner with a side of sweet potato fries (which were actually baked, NOT fried as the name implies) and a glass of milk? Ummm, no. So eat it and shut it, Mister, or you are gonna have to starve.

They say: "He pushed/pulled/slapped/kicked/punched/scratched/bit/pinched me."

I say: "That was not a very nice thing to do. I'm sorry he hurt you. Lets go talk to him about it and see if we can work it out."

I think: In the name of all that is holy if you come in here and tattle one more time I am gonna pull, push, slap, kick, punch, scratch, bite and pinch you too! BTW you really should not lick his face b/c that is nasty and you deserve a swift kick if you're gonna do that.

They say: "I love you Mommy."

I say: "I love you too, Monkey."

I think: I love you too, Monkey. And even that psycho living inside of my exhausted mind has nothing to say about that.