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Friday, July 3, 2009

Double Agent

I'm participating in Flashback Fridays, courtesy of Scary Mommy.

Originally posted 3/5/2009.

I'm pretty sure I am living a secret double life.

I am not who I seem. At least not to my kids anyway. I feel like they don't know me at all b/c the Mommy that they see is not the mean, short tempered, maniacal, bitter woman who is running rampant inside of my head.

Thank goodness. If that broad ever gets out, please shoot her on sight.

They say: "Mommy it's cold in here."

I say: "Wow buddy, you're right. Let's go put a sweater on you."

I think: You are crazy if you think I'm turning the heat up. Did you see our electric bill last month? Allegheny Power is losing their effing minds!

They say: "I don't want to listen to this music, Mommy. This song stinks."

I say: "Sorry kiddos, I'm tired of listening to the Wiggles. Maybe we can take turns. You let Mommy listen to her music now and we'll let you choose a song on the way home."

I think: Yeah, right, sucker. You better be asleep on the way home. Besides, my music is pretty cool. How can you not like Rihanna? And seriously if I have to listen to Fruit Salad one more time I am going to burst my ear drums with my car key.

They say: "Why do we have to take a bath?"

I say: "You don't want to be Mr. Stinky Pants at school tomorrow, do you? Besides, taking a bath is part of being healthy."

I think: Because I said so. Why wouldn't you want to take a bath? You smell like tail, your brother smells like a wet puppy, and the baby smells like vomit. I mean, I can barely stand to be in the same room with you people.

They say: "Ooooh, Mommy, you said a naughty word!"
I say: "You're right buddy, please forgive me! I shouldn't have said that. I was angry (b/c some people really CAN NOT freakin' drive), but I have to think of other things to say when I get upset."
I think: You ain't heard nothing, Chief. I'm pretty sure I was a sailor in my previous life.

They say: "Mommy, that lady smells really bad."
I say: "Sweetie! That is not a nice thing to say, you would hurt her feelings if she heard you say that."
I think: I am seriously going to puke right now. I mean, did you deuce yourself or what? That is offensive, lady, really.

They say: "I don't like this dinner. You always make yucky food."

I say: "Well, you are welcome to not eat it, but I will not be able to make you a snack later."

I think: Are you kidding me right now? Do you think I want to eat edamame and cheese sandwiches for dinner with a side of sweet potato fries (which were actually baked, NOT fried as the name implies) and a glass of milk? Ummm, no. So eat it and shut it, Mister, or you are gonna have to starve.

They say: "He pushed/pulled/slapped/kicked/punched/scratched/bit/pinched me."

I say: "That was not a very nice thing to do. I'm sorry he hurt you. Lets go talk to him about it and see if we can work it out."

I think: In the name of all that is holy if you come in here and tattle one more time I am gonna pull, push, slap, kick, punch, scratch, bite and pinch you too! BTW you really should not lick his face b/c that is nasty and you deserve a swift kick if you're gonna do that.

They say: "I love you Mommy."

I say: "I love you too, Monkey."

I think: I love you too, Monkey. And even that psycho living inside of my exhausted mind has nothing to say about that.

107 comments:

badmommymoments said...

AWESOME post. I'm still laughing.

And the Wiggles are going down.

I HATE the fruit salad song.

I mean, if it's the same one my daughter sings. Of course, it's very likely that she made up her own fruit salad song. In which case, I LOVE it.

Rob said...

Well I would have to say that what you say is much better then what you think. In all honesty I often say what I think! I know it is bad but it just sneaks out... I think you are doing great by saying it nice!

Becca

Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com

Jenny Penny said...

Still laughing at the deucing and the tail comments. Great post.

Just saw the comment you left on my blog, and though I often read (and enjoy) yours over at the MomBlog, I hadn't ever clicked over to your actual blog, where it really lives on the Web. Your boys are so beautiful, it hurts!

Housewife Savant said...

I LOVE this post. That same psycho b*tch lives in MY head too!

Deb said...

This made me laugh out loud!

Shannon said...

This post is O SO TRUE! The only difference for me is... sometimes the psycho in my head (that other personality) does escape and then I feel like a REALLY BAD MOMMY! And then.. they tell me they love me irregardless and I love them, too! After all... everyone has a bad day or moment every now and then!

The Redhead Riter said...

Visitings from SITS...hilarious post!

Jennifer said...

Wonderful! I love it. I think we all have one of those psycho mommies living inside of us. Unfortunately mine pops out more often than it should. I'm just so glad I'm not alone in my thoughts. LOL

Ms Cupcake said...

Morning! Now following your blog.

Have a great weekend!

Ms. Cupcake
Zen Cupcake

bluecottonmemory said...

I try to tell my students when they're writing stories that there's more conversation going on than the dialogue between two people. They need to include the conversation going on in their head, too. That's where all the exciting stuff is being said. Of course, it makes a good explanation of "this is me" when I strive to say the right thing and this is me when I don't! LOL I'm very impressed with your verbal answers! Those are the most important!

Mira is triplet crown said...

Oh I know my internal bad mommy is gonna break out one of these days. Especially when three tantrums at once happens. Oh good lord.

Nanny Dee said...

Hi -- stopping by from the MBC's under 100 group, but you are way past that! Congratulations!

I can understand why -- you have a great sense of humor and writing style. Wow, many of us moms (and even nannies) have that same inner monologue running in the background -- you were brave enough to admit it to hundreds of witnesses! :D

Dee
http://newenglandnanny.blogspot.com/

faemom said...

Thank you for reposting that because I missed it the first time!
And that bitch lives my head and she's always a pessimist

Scary Mommy said...

I love, love, LOVE this post. I get through tantrums sometimes by singing "shut the fuck up" in my head. It helps. Really. :)

Patti said...

Great post, life as we know it! (And the STFU song beats anything Wiggles!)

Lauren said...

Love it... just make sure your thoughts don't accidently slip out like mine do sometimes. :)

~SITS~

Jaime said...

Now I have the Fruit salad song stuck in my head.

a_healthier_me said...

I have only had my ears abused with about 30 seconds of the Wiggles. Thank goodness my son was too old for that when they came out, or I would have gone completely INSANE! What is this world coming to!!

Atlanta said...

Great Post! I wish I had that restraint. Mine is more the opposite(hence my Joan crawford post), I hear myself saying the psyco mommy stuff while thinking of all the nice things I should be saying... huh..wonder how that happened?

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

See, why can't I contain that crazy lady that lives in my head?! I wish I could respond so appropriately all the time. But someone let the witch out and I am having a hard time getting her to fly back in! =)

MrsM said...

We have so much in common! I totally do the same thing. I figure by the time our kids realize that I'm TOTALLY B*TCHY they'll be adults and they'll be able to hack it.

she's so blog. said...

thanks for the laughs this morning. you rock it!

Moms Fighting Fat said...

HAHAHAHAHA....I'm dyin' here! All of them were things I've thought in my head but the tattling scenario is something that still happens with my 11yo dd and 14yo ds...usually it's the 14yo ds doing the tattling.

Of course, it has nothing to do with hitting, theirs are political battles. My dd is an animal loving, "I hate war", wishes for a world like John Lennon's "Imagine", "Save the Earth" kind of gal and our son is a Fiscal Conservative, let's blow all the 'bad guys' off the face of the earth' kind of guy. :-)

Tammy Howard said...

What a wonderful post! I think there's a little of that in all of us!

Helen McGinn said...

*L* Loving your posts. That lady lives in me too. And at least my kids love Rihanna (even if they sound like strangled kittens singing Umbrella, god bless their wee cotton socks). xx

Elizabeth said...

Good for you for keeping that lady in your head - she often manages to take over my mouth in my household!

Yaya said...

Cute!
And why do kids always put up a fight about taking a bath and then once they get in they love it?

Melissa said...

Love it! I think we all have that psycho living in our heads! And sometimes she's not that easy to ignore!

Susan said...

lol - I think we all have those moments, you just put yours so much better than I could ever :)

Queenie Jeannie said...

Thank you for admitting what we ALL know to be true!!!!

Mountain Mama said...

Is it bad for me to hope even the perfect moms have the evil mom in their head? It would make me feel so much better about myself.

Ungirdled Passion said...

Funny and sweet post. Wait until their 16. I hate to tell you, but forewarned is forearmed. You'll really need to keep up your spirits - and by spirits, I mean vodka, gin and rum - to to your lips! Happy SITS!

Creative Junkie said...

I think your inner psycho mommy is the long lost sister of my inner psycho mommy.

Cher said...

awww..love it. Happy SITS day!!

Jen said...

LOVED this post. Maybe cause its to familiar to me but I don't have as much restraint and often say the stuff that should just stay in my head.

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

This. was. fabulous. I loved it!!!

Happy SITS Day!!! :)

John Deere Mom said...

You are hysterical! I love it! And have SO been there!

Smitten by Britain said...

That's so funny and oh so true!

CoffeewithZooly said...

Some great stuff. Wonderful insights too!

La Belle Mere UK said...

Haaaaaaa!!! Very very funny. I'm glad I'm not the only mummy with a psycho bitch mummy in my head!!

Happy FB day.

B x

Life of a Stepmama said...

AWESOME POST!! I love it, could not stop laughing!!! You are hilarious....I had to forward this post on to friends and my BF....thanks for the great laugh!

The Redhead Riter said...

I'm happy to know that you hear voices too.

The Redhead Riter said...

I'm happy to know that you hear voices too.

Scrappy Girl said...

LOL...I have had some of those same thoughts! Especially over the music! You are such a funny girl...I have enjoyed my visit and I'll be back!

Reluctant Housewife said...

Yeah. I can relate.

My kids never get to listen to kid music. I hate it! HATE! They like the stuff Hubs and I like now. Yay!

Mommys Online Garage Sale said...

Great Post....I have a Psycho living inside my head too!

Joy said...

Good stuff here. Why aren't you writing for a parenting magazine?

Congrats once again on your SITS day!

Kelly said...

Awesome post....Even though I didn't know that anyone other than me could hear my thoughts!
The Wiggles have been BANNED in my house!

Mighty M said...

This is great (and I am thinking the same thing!). ;-)

Laura said...

Happy SITS Day!

B.o.B. said...

Great post! If only we knew what our moms were thinking when we were small!

Happy SITS Day.

Lolli said...

Isn't it so true, though? We are all leading double lives. I always wonder how I appear to my kids. :)

Michelle said...

You forgot this one (and I'm glad I'm not the only one):

Why are turning this way/driving so slow/stopping at the stop sign?

Because we are going to Walmart/the speed limit is 15/it says stop.

BECAUSE we have to...just like when we came this way and yesterday and the day before that and...do you really have to ask me that every single time we come to town? (Actually my thoughts are a lot harsher than that, but I probably shouldn't say what I'm really thinking.)

Tonya said...

Love your site! Hilarious!!

Rbarakat said...

Oh My gosh! You totally crack me up! Especially towards the bottom of the post! Kids can drive you crazy and I do exactly the same thing!LOL!!!

Brandy said...

LOVE the tattling one. It's so darn annoying when they do that!

{leah} said...

Love it!!! I'm totally impressed that you are able to keep your thoughts in you head.


Happy SITS day!!

Amy said...

A.ma.zing! How did you get inside my head?

Susan said...

Loving this post! You so had me LOL...Have a great SITS day!

Krafty Kristy said...

I love this post that has to be the best way to describe a day in a mommies life.

D2the4thPower said...

OMG, I think your crazy lady was inside MY head yesterday. Because I'm pretty sure I had to hold her back from ringing my children's necks...AND lashing out at everyone because I was in a terrible mood!

LOVE your blog! Happy SITS Day!!

Robin said...

You might be a dummy....you might be a psycho mommy......but after reading through your blog today, I think you are a wonderful mommy who is a lot smarter than she plays. :-)

BlogBaby said...

How did I miss this post the first time around??

Having children does force our inner psycho to retreat inward for awhile, it's just not good manners to raise a child while in psycho mode but some days I tell ya I just want to set her free and give these little whiners a piece of my mind.

But I don't 'cuz I'm a good mommy. Right?? Right??

BlogBaby's BabyMama

supah ~d said...

lurve it

I feel normal again.
Sits.
Not right.

d

carma said...

Great one. Haven't we all pulled the yeah, on the way home we'll do blah blah blah knowing that the kid will be asleep by then card- it's a survival mechanism!

Jessica said...

I LOVE this. It's so true! I have no idea how I manage to stifle that fearsome woman inside of me, either, but I do! And I'm downright proud of myself. You should be, too.

*Hi-5*

Susan said...

I'm trying to make my "split" voice stop being the one that everyone hears. It's amazing how much restraint it takes not to use the "f" word.

Kris said...

:-D Happy SITS day!

Ashley said...

HAPPY SITS DAY!!!

Visiting and loving your posts... have a wonderful Thursday!

Pricilla said...

Happy SITS day.

heh heh. this goat spit her coffee out on her keyboard. Not good. Not good at all.

greedygrace said...

I love the smelly lady comment! I often think that way myself!

Kristin said...

You have an awesome sense of humor that just jumps out of your writing and makes you laugh out loud!! Thank you!! :)

Robbie S. Redmon, LPC said...

happy SITS DAY!

Girly Do's said...

Sweet- You got 'em all right on the head, but I think you got an extra 100 points for the swearing one--- especially for me. I don't swear often, but sometimes I feel like I must have been a sailor too in a past life.

Marrdy said...

It's always nice to know that others have a crazy woman living inside of them!

Brandy said...

i love it! you are such a great out loud mommy!

Playground for Parents said...

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.

There has never been, and never will be, Fruit Salad or any other nutty kids' song playing in my car. I would feel like I was trapped in a torture chamber. I figure if I have to do the driving, I could at the very least enjoy my own adult music. I just hope they don't understand the lyrics. B/c that would be bad.

shortmama said...

Weird...the same person is living in my head too

Jessica said...

Awesome post! Im glad Im not the only one!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

You're so awesome! I love your blog!

I totally have trouble silencing that inner voice sometimes, though. Restraint is not my strong suit. :)

Kekibird said...

Wow...how did you get in my head? Scary...

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

Hee hee "sailor in another life" made me chuckle!

Becky @ Our Sweet Peas said...

OK you are hysterical and I can relate to EVERY post I've read. I must follow :)

Jen said...

At least you can control your psycho and keep her from escaping. I let my inner psycho out and let my son have it. The other 2 are safe from the psycho, but the closer my son gets to being a teenager the more my inner psycho gets the better of me.

Aubrey said...

I was just over here yesterday!!! How fun!

Congrats on your FB day!

Sarah Brown said...

You are hysterical

Mel said...

Oh boy....your posts are so down to earth and just so real. I love it! I have a hard time not saying what I think, but I'm really trying here....that just got me tickled....:) Good to know I'm not the only one who has a psycho inside, raging to get out. LOL

Lexy said...

Fruit salad, Yummy, yummy...
okay where's the key..i am going to pop my eardrum. LOVE IT!!

Debbie said...

Excellent! But, just how did you get in my head so well?

Gigi said...

Oh my gosh.
Were you following me around and getting into MY head?!

Norine said...

Aren't you glad you have a blog in which to speak your inner dialogue? That's some impressive self-control you've got the rest of the time.

Congrats on being featured on SITS! I really enjoy your writing, I'm going to add you to my blogroll. Come on over and check me out sometime, I'd appreciate it!

Norine
Don't Put Lizards In Your Ears

Kristen said...

Really...you are friggin hilarious. Can you talent rub off on me...just a little?

Rachael said...

Great post!

Mama Mel said...

LOL! You are so funny! I think most of us can relate to all of this! :)

TR Hughes said...

You are seriously one funny lady! - No sh*t~!

Cindi @ Moomette's Magnificents said...

Wonderful - It's nice to know I have a twin sister!

Happy SITS day

Become a follower of your blog!

Little Miss Baker said...

I adore this. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Thank you :)

C. Beth said...

Awesome. :)

Michelle (hometc) said...

oooh, if we could only hear what our kids are really thinking back at us!

CCW said...

Beyond awesome...I have the same voice in my head. THANK GOD that along with giving my nieces & nephews Coke & M&Ms, she was also the one who remembered to give ME BCPs. :-)

Sarah said...

So funny. I've been guilty of thinking like that with kids too. And I don't even have my own kids yet! I'm doomed.

theselfloveproject said...

you are so funny..

i think i am hooked..

Debbie in Nashville said...

You are so funny! Great post.

Marketing Mama said...

I love it - you are very funny!

Peyton said...

I could write a post like this with conversations with my therapy clients and my fiance... maybe I will!

piecemeal people said...

Cute! Though I must say, I admire you for saying something OTHER than what you're thinking. For me, the "thinking" version comes out of my mouth a leetle too often.

Maureen said...

Too funny! I actually have this double agent stuff happen more when dealing with extended family. Like yesterday when my mom started in how I'm "big-boned". I said, "hmmmmm", but thought, "I'd sure like to rip your throat out right now."

Giving away two copies of the movie Extract starring Jason Bateman and Ben Affleck. Contest ends 4/2/10.
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