Baby P.I.M.P Status Update.

TA-DA!

The party is over!

Sort of.

#3 has mastered potty training.

A little.

After two strong days of full blown rebellion, he decided that I was in it to win it and his best course of action would be to cooperate.

Partially.

And that’s why I friggin’ love this kid so much.

He really has been my most pleasant toddler (so far; fingers crossed).

I know some of you will probably get all morally outraged because you think I’m saying that I like him better than the others.

But, that’s not true at all.

I only like him better than the others sometimes.

Now is one of those times.

Because he’s just SO smart.

And well mannered. And cooperative. And helpful.

All things that make you likable.

I’ve already discussed how advanced he is in terms of his speaking and reasoning and stuff.

But, in addition to being able to count to 12 1000 and identify the planets, he also says ‘thank you’, and ‘please’, and ‘bless you’, and ‘let me get that’ like a real life gentleman.

And, he does exactly what you ask him to do.

Mostly.

In addition to starting his potty training journey recently, he also moved from a crib to a toddler bed.

Do you know that Mr.. Man hasn’t gotten out of his bed alone even one time?

I said, “Night, night booger. Make sure you stay in your bed and call mommy when you are ready to get up because if you get up alone you could hurt yourself. Okay?”

He said, “Kay, Mommy. I call you get me up?”

I said, “You betcha bud.”

He said, “Kay, Mommy. Wuv you.”

I said, “Love you too, kiddo.”

And that was that.

When he wakes up he yells, “Mommy, I back!” Which I’m guessing is his way of saying he’s done sleeping and ready to entertain me again.

Naturally I put one of those have-to-be-a-contortionist-to-open-it child proofing door knob thingys on his door, and I put the baby gate in front of his door when I go to bed, since his room opens at the top of the stairs, just to be safe.

But, so far so good!

Two weeks he’s been sleeping in there without incident.

Wanna know what #2 did when he got freed from his baby sleeping cage (aka the crib)?

He tore his bedroom a new one.

Every single day for a full week.

Ripped stuff off the walls, emptied the drawers, even tried to “pet” the fish.*

When asked about it he would claim, unyieldingly, that “a monster did it”.

Yeah it was a freakin’ monster all right.

Only we were not in agreement on who the monster was exactly.

I said it was him. He denied such accusations vehemently.

This situation only ceased when someone gave me a video camera baby monitor at my baby shower for #3.

I promptly installed the surveillance item in #2’s room.

I warned him, of course (I’m not into illegal taping) and, he was savvy enough to appreciate the new addition to his room and never let that monster in again.

Point is, he’s never been big on cooperating.

Still isn’t.

But, #3, he rocks at cooperation.

And at being helpful.

Like put-your-coat-and-shoes-away-without-being-reminded helpful.

But potty training.

That pretty much kicked my a$% there at the beginning.

He was so uncooperative I’d even say he was downright noncompliant.

But the worst part is sorta over.

Because it’s been days since he had a daytime accident (even holding it through his nap).

We do have one little problem though…

The kid will not willingly drop a deuce!

The only time he will is when his sphincter, after days of torture, gives in to the pressure and lets the last 2 or 3 days worth of rotten booty stuffing come tumbling out.

It comes at somewhat of a surprise to him.

He screams in horror, as do I.

And, it is rotten.

Like involuntary-gag-response-kicks-in rotten.

Like road-kill-in-mid-July rotten.

Like, you get the picture.

So I have to have a difficult conversation** with the kid’s gastro-intestinal system.

Because this has got to stop.

Or start.

And, while I’m sure that #3 would be horrified if he knew what I was planning for his inside’s, I’m certain that come next week he’ll appreciate my efforts when he weighs 3lbs less and can walk upright again.

Thank me later, kiddo, I know you’ll want to!

Dear Baby P.I.M.P’s GI System,

First, let me congratulate you on making it this far. I am so happy to be able to say that I am the proud parent to a largely potty trained just-turned-two year old little dude. So give yourself a pat on the duodenum for a job well done! But. Before you go getting all happy and start celebrating with a bottle of Mylanta, we need to discuss the matter of “making poopies”, as the brain behind the booty likes to call it. I know you get a little stage fright when it comes time to put on a “show”, but you have to realize that this holding-it-till-it-rots initiative you are working on can only end badly. I mean let’s look at what’s happened so far already: things have gotten so far backed up in there you must be feeling it up in the esophageal area, when you do finally let a little bit out it is so large and cumbersome as to cause injury, and the kid is starting to get a major psychological hang up about doing “the do”. Not. Cool. We want this whole experience to be positive, relieving, and easy. I’m not sure what you’ve done to the laxative I’ve spiked his food with and I’m not sure how the juice, dried fruit, and bran muffins have not kicked in, but seriously, you are asking for it. Do you want an enema? Does that sound like your idea of a good time? Because it sounds really invasive and disgusting to me. But I’ll go there if you make me. I can’t have this kid crying uncle every time one hits the chamber. So, get on board, buddy, or be prepared to take it in the pooper!

*Fish petting resulted in the loss of about 65% of the water in the tank and a stressed to death fish.

**Mama Kat suggested we have a difficult conversation this week for Writer’s Workshop, and since I was just about to have myself one anyway…

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