Santa Claus is Coming

But, before he does there is a whole butt load of crap to do.

I, for one, still need to shove all the Halloween/Fall decor in a box and lug it up to the attic.

Santa needs to be written to, menus and guest lists must be made, Christmas decorations have to be attended to.

But, before all that I have to consider the dreaded Christmas cards.

The time of year when I dress my kids up, smash them all in front of the fireplace, and then bark at them for an hour to sit still, look at the camera, stop hitting your brother, don't blink, don't scratch, don't pick, don't breath, and in the name of all that is holy, LEAVE THE EFFING HAT ON OR SO HELP ME!

I wind up with a series of these...

The STOP-IT-BRUVER-I-CAN'T-BEAVE shot.


The hey-you-a-cutie-oop-dat's-me-in-dat-mirror shot.


The BANG!-BANG!-BANG!-I-wuv-Hanny-Manny shot.


The sugar-makes-me-drunk shot.


The Mommy!-Mommy!-Mommy!-I-can't-stop-talking-for-two-seconds shot.



Eventually one of two things tends to happen:

1) I get three perfect (except for #3's; but, I'm not mad at him because I think this is the best he can do), separate pictures that I can fashion into a presentable greeting card.



or, 2) I get three separate pictures that are horrifying enough to be funny enough to be mailed, as a joke, to all of our friends and family...



Because separately, they are generally okay.

But together.

Bloody. Nightmares.

So, in an effort to not feel like the most sucktastic mom ever, instead of celebrating your successes, this holiday photo contest is gonna feature your worst holiday card attempts to date.

I don't care about the perfect-everyone's-looking-no-stink-eyes-involved shots that feature a gorgeous tree, perfect lighting, three smiling children and a well behaved dog.

Those do nothing for my self esteem.

I want the baby's-crying-kids-are-fighting-tree-is-tilting-is-your-dog-humping-your-leg? shots that you usually delete.

That's what PBD's Merry Effing Christmas Photo Contest is all about.

It's about the true Hollywood story behind the photo.

The gritty, the ugly, the I'm-pretty-sure-I-hate-you-people shots that make you wonder why you even bother.

Those are what winners, at least for this backasswards (Mimi's favorite made-up word) photo contest, are made of.

Here's how to enter:

1. Email your best worst Christmas photo/card to Dumb Mom at parentingbydummies{at}gmail{dot}com.

2. Include your blog link (if you have one) and your, "Hey Dumb Mom, you can have your way with my photo," disclaimer that allows me to use it on my blog.

3. Follow parenting BY dummies here or on Twitter (@thenagainphoto).

4. Do all this by midnight on December 11, 2009.

Then...

Tell all your friends to come over and vote for your photo so that you can make it into Dumb Mom's Merry Effing Christmas Hall of Shame where you will have a 1 in 5 chance at winning the Ultimate Bomb Diggity Gift Giving Guide prize pack featuring gifts from all of Dumb Mom's Saturday Swagurday posts, plus more!

Prize pack valued at over $200 includes:

1. One Deglingo from Haute Lava.



2. One Ze Super Hero from All New Materials (please consider becoming a fan on Facebook)



3. One hand made coin purse from Julia Sherry Designs.



4. One Cuisinox cocktail shaker from Allbarstools.com



5. One copy of That's not my frog... from Usborne Books.



6. One Zhu Zhu Pet. That's right baby, I've got one and you are welcome to sell it on eBay if you want!



7. One Green Toys Eco-Friendly Cookware and Dining Set from Oompa



8. One copy of #2's all time most favoritest, nonanimated feature film, School of Rock, starring Jack Black.



See, told you this would be better than Black Friday!

If you win this, you won't even need to bother shopping!

And, there's even a runner-up prize that I think it pretty sa-weet to, but I'm not telling what it is yet. You'll have to wait and see!

So...Are you ready?

On your mark!

Get set!

GO, take fugly pictures of your misbehaved children and pets, be proud of your hard work even though they effed it up with their stink eyes and their leg humping addictions, and send them to me where they well be appreciated (aka cracked on mercilessly) and possibly awarded a pretty nice prize.